The Backup Dan - Part 1 of 1 - Post-Apocalyptic Chic

After discovering that her marriage to Prince Louis is a fairytale in theory but a nightmare in reality, Blair goes full-on Runaway Bride and flees her own reception with Dan riding shotgun.  Serena and Chuck begin to search for her, as do Princess Sophie and the nefarious, heartless Louis.  Blair's first stop on the getaway train is JFK--she intends to make like Elizabeth Taylor and petition for divorce in Santa Domingo.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sophie puts the thumbscrews on Eleanor and threatens to re-activate the dowry that was initially waived in the prenup.  There must be a pretty steep price on Blair's head, because even Eleanor goes a little white when she hears this new development.  Georgina has also entered the hunt for Blair, locking up Dorota (but with snacks!), and she follows Chuck and Serena to the airport hotel where Blair and Dan are camping out.  Blair accuses Serena of ruining her life (again) and Georgina has just enough time to snap an incriminating picture (again) before Princess Sophie turns up and demands Blair leave with her.  To everyone's dismay, Blair agrees and pulls her own Kim Kardashian, posing for pictures with Louis as they leave on their loveless honeymoon.  Nate changes his mind about his date with Lola, who then changes her mind about him.  Would these two just get on with it already?  We all know that Nate can't resist any blonde within a fifty mile radius and Lola, while claiming otherwise, can't deny her DNA was specifically created to date Nate Archibalds.

While running around like chickens with their heads cut off, every single character apparently forgot they were supposed to get at least two costume changes per episode.  A shocking breach of contract, I know, but we'll do what we can to break down the outerwear disasters and of course, dear Princess Blair's foray into airport gift shops.

Poor Blair.  Not only was she sporting beachy waves that were more Jersey Shore than Palm Springs at her wedding, she's forced into tourist castoffs from an airport mini mall.



And dare I remind her that leggings are not pants?

Dan, her partner in crime, hardly looks any better, and he's still wearing most of the pieces he had on at the wedding.

Someone must have missed their costume fitting because this is just hanging on Dan like a sack.  It's called tailoring, people.  Get with the program.

I was also particularly gratified to hear Blair finally say something about the atrocious mop head that is growing on Dan's head.  Get that dead animal cut, ASAP.

Serena's lace trench was a little hot mess, but just chic enough for her to pull off.  If she wasn't sporting young Bridgitte Bardot hair and makeup, she might not have been able to manage, but thankfully she thought ahead and packed plenty of bump-its.

Chuck, as always, looks dapper in his tan greatcoat.  Not quite dapper enough to win back the Princess for himself, but we give him high marks for the attempt.



The pocket square is just right distraction from his angsty expression.

Lily returns from the wedding complaining about how much her feet hurt.  Really?  She is born and bred Trophy Wife material.  Didn't she learn to run a marathon in heels?



Those genes must be temporarily missing, along with the brain cells that would have told her this woven coat was an idea best left to a departed Vanessa Abrams.  Give it back, dear, Vanessa will probably need it in the wilds of Spain.

As for her niece, the mysterious Lola Rhodes--she's got the genes in spades.



She waited tables in those heels--Lily needs to take a lesson from her.  Plus, she wears her cater-waiter uniform with such chic flair.  Remember how shabby Dan looked in his cater-waiter uniform?

Lola even outshines Princess Sophie, who's in serious need of both an attitude and an outerwear adjustment.



Pairing this wine satin tuxedo jacket with her olive green gown is not right.  We're not at a Tuscan farm, ready to partake in a tasting.  The dress in itself was bad enough, but that's just throwing fuel on the fire.

As for his son, he's ready for his honeymoon (enemymoon?), and dons just the right ensemble.

His pompadour hair, the open collar, the pinstriping on his shirt and the used car salesman vest?  Louis is showing his true colors now, folks.  What a tool.

As for his lost wife, Princess Blair finally agrees to continue with the nightmarish marriage.  After all, what can be more of a nightmare than having to wear your honeymoon clothes that were fitted while you were pregnant, after you've lost your child?



There is no other explanation for why this is so ill-fitted on her.  It's a pretty enough dress, with the sculptural sleeves and the lovely dove gray color, but it hangs on her like a bag.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this hat phase.  If headpieces of any kind are royal, why couldn't Blair just stick to headbands? 

This navy blue sequinned montrosity looks cheap and tacky and she's too good for it. Kind of like that loser on her arm.

Remains of the J - Part 3 of 3 - Pimp My Ride

This section is so-called because these guys really need to pull their socks up sartorially.

Poor Kelly Rutherford. Instead of sitting her down or hiding her behind interesting pieces of sculpture, her bump is swathed in unflattering sacks which fail to hide its existence.

And Rufus is in plaid.

And plaid again.

This is how pregnancy should be concealed, with posture and gentle draping. These silk pyjamas are very elegent, and Kelly’s glow sets off the pale colours beautifully. There are some pros to having a bun in the oven while on TV.

This detailed black coat with puffed sleeves also uses a warm skin tone to keep Lily from being washed out, although her face is a different shade to her hands. A little lighter on the foundation next time.

Same coat, different purse. Fabulous. Same Rufus, different brown clothing. Drabulous.

But the opposite of drab is over the top, which Vanessa never fails to be. I like her updo and earrings, but the heavy gold and coral cuff and turquoise necklace clash with the clean lines and silver buttons of her military coat.

I can’t see her blouse, but it sure as hell looks busy.

Nate’s grey beanie is adorable, but there’s his boring navy pea coat over his boring uniform again.

He doesn’t even bother to dress up to dump Vanessa, except perhaps like Grandpa in a cream cardigan. No comment on the baby blue shirt – yes, it makes his eyes pop, and yet no, that amount of blue is not permissible.

Nate’s not even smart enough to realise Blair’s on the seduce, something we could see from a mile off. Here comes the basic black suit and what may even be the same shirt as before; the pattern certainly seems similar.

Skanktastic!

And what could be skankier than this?

Maybe over-accessorising? Vanessa’s ruffled purple dress is pretty, but a neckline that high shouldn’t be crowded with two necklaces as well as huge hoop earrings, and the shiny pink cuff in the above picture is tacky.

Let’s face it, what about this storyline isn’t tacky?

To sum up: Lily is rich, Rufus is poor, Vanessa is morally poor, Chuck is morally bankrupt, Blair keeps throwing it but no one is going to pick it up. Nate seems clueless as to the ways of women, which is probably why he and Little J never went anywhere and she’s crashing her own parties. And Dan…oh, Dan. All I can say is that your hair is so much better here than it is this season.

As is the plot, frankly.

G.G., Part 2 of 3: Macarons and Dayplayers

I always imagined that Serena's dreams are like going inside John Malkovich's brain, where everyone looks like him and only says "Malkovich."

Apparently, though, the inside of Serena's brain is much, much worse.

It involves musical numbers.

So what do you think? How does Blake compare to the real Marilyn?

 

Serena's dress definitely could have used those black accents to offset the gigantic bow in the back. Compared with Blair's most recent dream sequence outing as Sabrina, S definitely falls short.

Coming off such a terrible nightmare - singing! dancing! losing a guy to Blair! - Serena decides to go casual for the first time in her life. The girl wears a Black Halo cutout dress to a Yale admissions dinner, but she opts for a maternity top and sweater for her best friend's pre-wedding breakfast.

Personally, if I were wearing a tunic with a hem cut like that, I would not be hanging out on the stairs. The only macarons Blair wants to see on her wedding day are from Ladurée.

Apparently, Dorota agrees.

As does Dan. This face should have tipped Serena off to the fact that Dan's just not that into her.

This face, on the other hand ...

It seems that Louis is the only person that's more than happy to talk with Serena today. I wonder why?

When compared with the bridesmaid dresses, Serena's Maid of Honor dress is definitely less offensive. It's not particularly flattering (and the skirt kind of reminds me of her awful bridesmaid dress from when Lily married Bart), but at least it doesn't look like a peony. 

Also, I'm not that familiar with men's tuxes, but do the legs always look like bell bottoms? Or is that a special-for-Brooklyn modification?

Not content to be the tall, statuesque blonde at the altar, Serena decided to go with a little volume for Blair's wedding day.

Of course, always one for the unconventional, Serena decided to just let rodents nest in a tower of Bump-Its. Honestly, that's all I can say about this hair, because it's so deeply horrifying.

It's official: Blair hates her minions.

That's the only explanation for dresses this unflattering - especially when paired with sheer black tights.

 So, amidst all this madness, what is Chuck doing?

Chillaxin' in a paisley robe with a pocket square, natch.

He's also giving Father Creepy a wicked case of Bassezuma's Revenge.

This really is the perfect face to make as you sabotage an evil priest who has no discernable motive beyond job security.

Father Creepy should know better than to mess with a man who coordinates this many different patterns.

Never mind the fact that he's wearing a boutonniere and a pocket square. If it were any man other than Chuck Bass, this would verge on male Vanessa Abrams-levels of over accessorizing. With Chuck, it just looks dapper.

I'm not that big of a Chuck/Blair shipper, but when you see him lounging casually in a suit of perfectly-coordinated blue-greys, complete with adorable stray dog, how can you marry the very boring Prince Louis?

I mean, come on! His socks match his shirt!

As for the man at the center of Gossip Girl's newest love triangle, I will say this: he looks pretty decent in a dream sequence tux.

Unfortunately, his major hair issues continue, but I can look past that. How Blair can look past that, I'm not sure. No joke, I had a dream after watching this episode that Blair, after running away with Dan, gave him a full makeover. It was magical.

Credit where credit is due ... at least he's branching out from plaids. In this case, he branched into what may or may not be a chambray shirt with green polka dots, but hey, at least he's trying.

Although, is it just me or are those sleeves way too big on him? I'm talking Seinfeld Puffy Shirt too big.

It should shock absolutely no one that Nate's robe is blue.

It's nice to know that some things never change: Nate will always wear blue, and he will always look a little confused when trying to read.

He gets some major points for this pea coat - it's hard to tell in this picture, but it's actually pin-striped.

It's a great cut on him. And I love that gorgeous charcoal cashmere crew-neck he's wearing under it (plaid shirt? What plaid shirt? I see no plaid shirt).

Lily and Rufus make their requisite 5-second appearance at the wedding. Just long enough to spot Georgina, let her know they're onto her, and then leave the room without making sure she leaves the church. Haven't they learned anything from horror movies? Unless you've decapitated the monster, never assume it's dead. Likewise, unless you watch her physically leave the building, possibly by police escort, don't assume she's going to do anything other than wreak havoc.

Rufus cleans up quite well in his tux, but Lily's dress is too casual for a black tie wedding. One of the rare times she actually misses the mark - even her hat isn't particularly exciting. I was hoping for a tasteful but fun fascinator; instead she just added some ribbon to a danish and stuck it on her head.

As for Lola, our rogue Rhodes, there's definitely no question that she's related to Lily and Serena. For starters, that shearling coat is pure Season 1 Serena, and those killer heels are totally Season 5.

And I think it's safe to say that only Rhodes women know how to give themselves updos this elaborate.

She couldn't have learned it from Cece, since they've been estranged for years, and I highly doubt that Carol has passed on the art. This leads me to think it's a genetic trait - maybe Rhodes women have hair that will naturally updo itself? If that's the case, Serena's gross hair missteps over the years bring up an interesting question: could it be that maybe, just maybe, Serena isn't a Rhodes? Or worse, that she and Lola were switched at birth, and Serena is actually the daughter of wildly unkempt Carol?

I'm calling it now: Season 8, we find out that Carol is a grifter who kidnapped the real Carol, then pulled a baby-swap on Lily. Carol's not the real Carol, Serena's not actually a Rhodes, and suddenly her hairbrush-allergy makes total sense.

Father And The Bride - Part 2 of 2 - S By S = Cancelled

I thought that his new post at The Spectator would force Nate to be a touch more fashion forward. I guess I was wrong. This grey long sleeved shirt is leaving me cold. It is just so basic and Nate. Sigh. When will he learn? 

Perhaps he is just distracted by his conversation with the infamous Gossip Girl. She seems to have unnerved him by telling him that he was the intended target of the crash and not Chuck and Blair. That sneaky little blogger is dangling info in front of him in exchange for giving Serena's column the boot. Doesn't seem like much of a problem to me. Serena can't even remember to wear pants ... I am confident that she will forgive and forget quickly. 

Speaking of the clothing challenged Serena, here she is with Dan. The two of them are still engaged in their faux relationship. Can fake boyfriends tell their fake girlfriends that they look like a high end bag lady? If so, Dan needs to get right on that. 

Serena is decked in head to toe designer duds but still manages to look like a disaster. I'm sure no one at Valentino will be reading this, but if so: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THAT PURSE? At least the Haute Hippie people were on target with their skirt. The floral mini does in fact look like something a hippie would wear. Go team!

Speaking of hippies and bad clothes- I miss Vanessa. I must be hallucinating because at first glance I thought that Nate's assistant was Vanessa with a makeover. Nope. She is just a nice brunette who is appropriately dressed for work. If she were my assistant, that burgundy knit dress and striped tights combo would earn her a promotion.

Look! Work Nate made a debut. He looks sharp in this charcoal coat and pale blue shirt. I am a little underwhelmed by the tie. I think he needs to use his connections to find a personal shopper in the men's furnishings department. He could use a bold tie and some lovely cuff links. 

Nate is obviously too preoccupied to think about accessories or closing his email. After toiling over the decision, Nate decided to take down Serena's column. I am sure that this was a blow to the journalistic community in New York and possibly the world.

Ready to support Serena's big debut, Rufus and Lily gathered outside of The Spectator to wait for one of the "S By S" cabs to drive past. Both of the proud parents were decked out in attractive classically tailored garments. I think that Rufus might be learning some of Lily's tricks. They look perfectly perfect in every way.

Hey Gossip Girl writers, Sarah Jessica Parker called and she wants her Sex and the City plot line back. At least when SJP's column was being featured on NY transit, she got on the side of a bus. 

Poor Serena was ready for her closeup but sadly her iPad only displayed a broken link. While this seems embarrassing, I still assert that carrying around that floral purse was far more upsetting.

Once Serena discovered that her literary masterpiece had been removed from the interweb, she went in to The Spectator to investigate. Thanks to Nate's open email and his less than strict assistant, Serena discovered that Nate was in cahoots with Gossip Girl! 

Meanwhile, I discovered that I actually like her earrings and her sequined Marc Jacobs sweater. 

Why did she have to go and ruin a perfectly good look with that horrid mini and the brown leggings? At least her cha cha isn't exposed. I try to take pleasure in the little things. 

Speaking of literary genius, Dan and Agent Lady had an appointment with Dan's publisher. I actually have to compliment Dan. He really has cleaned up well and is even keeping his chest hair under wraps. He looks good. Too crisp and clean to be dating Serena. 

I am undecided on the Agent's ensemble. Her coat, purse, and slacks look a bit dowdy- which is exactly how I would imagine a literary agent might dress. Sooooo...bravo, costume department?

I'm glad Serena and Nate were able to deduce that cousin Tripp was responsible for the horrible accident. Especially because Tripp will end up in jail, and an orange jumpsuit or prison stripes will be a welcome change from this blah suit and tie combination. 

Uninteresting garments must be a Vanderbilt thing. Despite his fiery temperament and familial antics, Grandfather looks equally blah in his ensemble. Maybe Nate will share his stylist? 

Dan looks like he has himself together. He is actually buttoning his henley shirts and working on this writing. I'm afraid that he might crack if he is forced to date Serena any longer. Mark my words, a few more weeks of this and he'll be sprouting chest hair and lurking in hipstery coffee shops. 

Oh Serena. Can't you just wear one appropriate outfit? How is this sheer Sam & Lavi floral blouse a good look for day? Don't get me wrong, I love the top. But it might be a touch more appropriate for a night on the town with the faux beau. 

Looks like Dan really has been in a literary mood. He wrote the vows for Louis's upcoming wedding to Blair. The only reason why this is a little alarming is that B thought the author had gazed into her soul. I don't think this can end well. 

The Grandfather - Part 1 of 3 - Off the Rails

Blair's been rejected by both Yale and Chuck, and so, dives into a big pool of Carter Baizen, mid-day scotch, and shoplifting. Serena is concerned, as there needs to be at least one in their fabulous twosome with some form of self-control. She and Chuck chase off Baizen with a few hints of Santorini, and hie off to rescue their friend, only to see Blair begging embarassed Sarah Lawrence deans for college admission. The trio then descends on the Van der Bilt compound so Blair can further set her pristine reputation on fire.  Nate forgives the Grandfather for previous trespasses, after he sends him a particlarly natty looking blazer complete with family crest.  Meanwhile, Lily insists that she and Rufus share their "lists."  Even Serena thinks it's a bad idea, but Lily pushes on.  Apparently Van der Woodsen genes come with a profusion of blond hair and a serious lack of common sense.

Bex, Lily's art dealer, is a beautiful woman.  So beautiful that even she has been on a date or two.

Even one with Rufus Humphrey.

Hey, I never said she had standards.



After all, she's been digging into Vanessa's costume jewelry stash--never a good thing.  However, I do like the red silk blouse on her, and her sleek side-swipe bangs are flattering.

On the other hand, Lily looks lovely (albeit a bit paranoid) in her sequinned eggshell tank.  The earrings especially are gorgeous and add just the right bit of UES Trophy Wife sparkle to her ensemble.

It's genuinely hard to believe that this ethereal top was worn underneath a coat fashioned from repurposed burlap sacks, complete with clashing gray scarf.

If her outerwear is to be believed, Lily rushed over so quickly to Rufus' gallery that she didn't even have time to pick out an appropriately matching ensemble.  It really must be love.

Who knows why.  It certainly isn't Rufus' style.



When you can't tell if he's wearing this henley inside-out or not. . . that's a problem.

A little improved is this rock star denim shirt.



It's got some nice detailing and you have to realize that it's legitimately retro because Rufus has probably owned it since the early '90s.