The Debarted, Part 4 of 4 - All the Rest

Dan's taking this drama major thing seriously.  He appears to currently be working on a project with a 70's porn star/lumberjack focus. 

There's a "wood" joke in there somewhere, but I'm too bored by Dan to work it out.

Hi, Nate.  Hangin' out in the Village again, even though you go to school in Morningside Heights?  'K...just checking.  Like the grey jeans, btw.

Ugh, really?  Do I have to analyze this?  I so don't want to.  They look crazy.  Disheveled.  Oh wait...is this what fashion editors mean by "bohemian"?

I have nothing good to say about this bag.  You can't make me like it!

What the hell is with this top?  Why does this fresh-faced girl think it's stylish to dress like an Amish cocktail waitress? 

Look, even V agrees with me!

I need a break from all this dorm madness.  Let's escape to some penthouse madness, shall we? 

May I just say that I love the contrast of Lily's bold bib necklace and her simple sweater.  Vanessa (and Gabriela), take note: this is how you wear jewelry.

I wonder how many Hermes bags Lily owns.  A lot?  Enough to tote around all her dark secrets?

Unlike her daughter, here Lily looks less like a perfume ad and more like a patient at a really fancy psych ward.  Baubles!

Doesn't Rufus van der Humphrey seem sort of ball-less?  I don't get it...has his daily routine changed significantly since leaving Brooklyn?  Then again, I suppose he doesn't have the gallery any longer, thus he and his pullover sweaters are sent to co-op board meetings.

But this?  This is not a co-op meeting.  This is perhaps a committee meeting for the Influenza Ball, or maybe even the Wednesday Ladies Who Lunch group, but it is not a co-op meeting.  They look far too happy.  I will say that I adore their preppy princess outfits.

Lily's building strikes me as the sort of place where there might reside a few elderly society doyennes who perhaps saw the two Cougars on the left and said in their best you're-brown-so-obviously-you-don't-speak-English-therefore-I'm-going-to-shout-so-you-can-understand-me voice: "EXCUSE ME.  THE SERVANTS' ELEVATOR IS DOWN.  THE.  HALL."  I wonder how many months these poor Cougars had to endure that ("Christ on a cracker...Mrs. Heppleworth is out in the hall. I'm staying put.")

Ooh, things are looking up at 500 East 55th*.  Old lady Heppleworth moved out and the lead singer from Lincoln Hawk moved in.  Rawr!

*If we are to believe the address written on The Letter...the van der Humphreys live practically in the East River?  I think not.

Treasure of Serena Madre 3 of 3: All the Rest (Jenny, Lily, Cece, Vanessa, Gabriela)

People do not lounge around their homes in high heeled boots.  They just don’t, even if the boots are fabulous and elevate an already cute outfit.  Believability FAIL.

::Pause.  Blink, blink:: 

No.  Just, no.

Lily is quickly becoming my GG wardrobe crush. Classic style with a modern twist.

It’s like one of those “Who wore it better?” features.  I vote Team Lily.  Maureen looks lost, as though the jacket is wearing her.

Oh Lily, can you do no wrong?  You are the very picture of an Upper East Side hostesses.  Perhaps one who ditches her guests and hides in the den drinking scotch, but let’s not split hairs.

Here’s a shot of Cece on video chat.  She looks like a librarian.  A librarian whose heart “pumps gin and secrets” (thank you, Dan) but a librarian nevertheless.

Ah, this is better.  Polished, poised, and a bit poisonous.

I have mixed feelings about this coat.  On the one hand, it’s colorful and funky.  On the other hand, it looks like a peacock threw up.  Let’s take a closer look....

I’m going with regurgitation du peacock.

Help me understand something.  Vanessa was sitting around at home in this outfit, had a fight with her mom, and rushed over to Dan’s in this outfit, and is now baking in this outfit?  Outside of that preposterousness, I will say that the purple is lovely on Vanessa, and even the gargantuan necklace isn’t so bad.  That skirt, though...best take it off before flour gets all over it.  Or my retinas explode.  Whichever comes first.

Ya know...I don’t hate this!  It could do without the coin medallion and with some smaller earrings, but overall it’s in keeping with Vanessa style without being too offensive.

Somewhere, there’s a photo of me on the floor at about 18 months, with my mother’s costume jewelry strewn all about.  I am wearing approximately four necklaces and two bracelets.  I grew out of that stage.  Gabriela did not.

Well, this isn’t so bad.  It’s sort of festive, and is a bit less fortune teller-ish...

No, nevermind.  She’s still giving Miss Cleo a run for her money.

They Shoot Humphreys, Don't They? 2 of 4 - Dan, Olivia, Vanessa, Lily, and Rufus

Dan in a plaid shirt.  Quelle surprise.  Olivia with an attention-grabbing necklace.  Again, quelle surprise.

Vanessa finds a way to jazz up a traditional cardigan with a bold color.  And later she'll find a way to jazz up a typical night out...

In a decidedly more tame atmosphere, Lily's impeccable breeding is rather apparent.  I love the pleating at the top of the dress.

And here's those crazy newlyweds at the Ball.  Rufus looks so dapper!  And that necklace is gorgeous on Lily!

How to Succeed in Bassness, 2 of 4 - Jenny, Lily, and Olivia

Jenny's back!  I don't know where she's been, maybe she's had to stay home and figure out ways to evade the dress code?  This would make sense since this in no way resembles the Constance uniform.  Her jacket is awesome though! Maybe I could borrow it some time??  It's tough but also feminine because with the ruffle-like lapel. 

T

She is definitely not wearing the Constance plaid skirt...looks like shorts? And fishnets? And silver heels? Hmmm....I guess high school girls in NYC wear much different clothes to school than Midwest girls. 

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...it does.  Jenny looks like some hobo begging for money (or drugs, I suppose) on the Met steps.  And if not a hobo, then definitely on the worst walk of shame I've ever seen.  Oversize t-shirt because she threw up on herself, skirt looks a little ripped and disheveled because she just rolled out of some dude's bed, and hair stringy and messy.  Yeah, that's it for sure.

Lily.  You've just been dressing beautifully.  Epitome of the Upper East Side mother.  Enough said.

I'm not a huge fan of this suit.  The jacket is a little boxy (I really like the neckline of it) though, but overall pretty clean and simple.  I still can't say anthing bad. 

I'm still adjusting to Hilary Duff on the show now, even more so adjusting to the fact that her and Dan are dating.  It just seems weird.  I guess I still see her as Lizzie McGuire...she was great on that, and I think I like her tween-teen wardrobe on that show than her character Olivia's wardrobe here.  The shirt/cardigan, whatever it is, is too buttoned up, literally.  If it was open over a tank, I would like it better.  The color isn't very flattering on her skin tone either.  And paired with that blah colored handbag, no wonder Dan rather wanted to watch her in that vampire movie!

Enough About Eve, 3 of 3 - Everyone Else

And now it’s time for those who didn’t get screentime this week. Before we begin, a moment of silence for the character of Eric. Rendered so inconsequential and useless that he doesn’t even get to make a cameo for breakfast. Olivia may have stolen his chair at the van der Humphrey table, but he has forever stolen our hearts. Or something.

Moving on.

Jenny! Who gets less lines/screentime than the new minions do.

Awww…her bad self is so adorable. You know how she’s all tough and alternative? Because you can see her bra strap.

Oh yeah. Badness. You see, good girls don’t show their bra straps, but Jenny isn’t a good girl. She’s punk. So punk she has waffles at home with the fam on a Sunday morning.

Rock on Jenny, rock on.  And while you’re at it, maybe sew an extra inch on your skirt. Or maybe pick a top that isn’t the colour of the leftover milk from a bowl of Lucky Charms. Just a thought. You are supposed to be the fashion designer of the family.

And that’s all airtime Li’l J got. Better luck next week, kiddo.

On the other hand, we did get to see a bit of Lily. Actress Kelly Rutherford spent the episode making every woman who has ever had a baby feel bad about herself. Baby? What three month old baby?

And that’s her outfit for waffles! Personally, I don’t do satin when I’m eating waffles. I hate trying to explain to my dry cleaner that I got syrup on my top. 

For meeting Vanessa’s mom, also a breakfast date, Lily once again looks stunning.

She also makes a face that says, “Haha. This joke where you wear Vanessa’s clothes to fool me is a funny one.” Of course, that leads to an awkward moment where she realizes that no, these are Gabriela’s own clothes and this woman actually got up this morning and said, “this flowy skirt in the completely different pattern from the flowy top is the perfect outfit for today. Let me just add ten bracelets, two rings and a couple of necklaces. Perfect.” 

I’m sorry to say, but this is what happens when you marry washed up rockers from Brooklyn, Lily.  What also happens is that this guy starts moving his “Welcome Back Kotter” mugs (how delightfully kooky!) and records into your apartment:

Now that is true love. Because that guy in the plaid is moving in to live with this woman:

And she’s totally okay with the fact that he will always look that dorky and schlubby.

My guess is that in public Lily probably acts all modest and says things like, “oh, this old thing? I just threw it on”. But when she’s alone in front of her mirror? Dollars to donuts she says things like, “nailed it yet again Lily van der Woodsen WhateverKlaus’namewas Bass Humphrey. You are a vision.”  And who are we to argue? Except, since that’s sort of the point of this blog, I will say that she could have picked a better bra to go with this dress.

I know. It’s a stretch. But satin isn’t forgiving and she should know better. Next time Lily, I don’t want to see the outline of your bra.

As for the little people on the show, well, here they are.

Carter looks unhappy. Possibly because he’s had to wear the same outfit for the entire third season and the frigging CW couldn’t spring for stupid belt.

Or maybe he’s cranky that he has to go do manual labour in Texas. But my money is on the fact that he didn’t once get to wear a belt.

Minions!

They have names!

Amalia is kind of a lesser Penelope, but with the same fashion sense. Which is why she wore a pink polka dotted hairband with a high necked blue ruffled blouse and a floral print skirt.

Memo to Blair: if you’re going to take over the school, take your minions shopping first. Because while Amalia’s was just kind of sad, Minion number 2 (Sophie) is actually wearing one of your sundresses from the summer:

Not cool Blair. Not cool. 

And Minion Amalia could also use some work on her formal wear. The puckering satin isn’t going to do her hips any favours.

I couldn’t get a good shot of the full dress, but Minion Sophie is about two ruffles short of a Miss J gimmick on ANTM: