The Return of the Ring - Part 1 of 2 - Plotted

Everyone is making bad life choices this episode. After not apologizing to Blair about stealing her diary (her excuse: "I didn't think Gossip Girl would get access to the diary pages I uploaded to her website!"), Serena decides to hook up with Dan at the Shepherd's divorce party and record it, because that's what you do when you're a sane person and a good friend. The episode ends with Serena friendless: Blair has kicked her out and Dan never wants to see her again, so Serena turns to her old friends cocaine and anonymous hookups. Lily annuls her marriage to Rufus, despite my hoping that she'd divorce both and take over the title of badass matriarch that Cece has left vacant. And finally, Blair's up to her own bad decisions by choosing Chuck over Dan, culminating in her following him to Monte Carlo (!?!) and going literally "all-in" at a blackjack table.

Let's start this recap off Rhodes-style, shall we?

There. That's better.

From the minute she walked on screen, I knew Blair was going back to Chuck.

Actually, I take that back: when I saw her, my first thoughts were that her coat was super cute, and her legs looked ridiculously long in that miniskirt. Then I got distracted by the hideous flower pin on her collar, because it took me a while to realize she was not wearing a bolero.

More Brian Atwood...

Then I saw her hair and makeup and thought, "Dammit, she's leaving Dan for Chuck."

Blair's hair is back to being dull and greasy. Her makeup is overdone and washes her out. No good comes of this.

Worse, look at this hairstyle:

It's side-braided along the bottom to push all the hair over her shoulder, and the side-braid is this tiny, weak fishtail thing and WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR BLAIR BEAR AND HER BEAUTIFUL BLAIR HAIR? I'm sorry, you guys, I can't do this anymore. Remember when this was her hair?

Now I'm just grateful when her hair is up so I don't have to be reminded of what could have been.

Blair's dress is cute, but something about it just doesn't pop for me. Maybe it's the necklace? Or possibly the lack of color? I don't know, but I would expect more out of Blair.

Particularly in a scene when her mom is handing over the reigns of Waldorf Designs (!!!), you'd think they'd style Blair to the nines.

Now that she's a businesswoman, Blair needs to invest in a good tailor for this jacket. It has potential, but it needs to be taken in all over.

Blair, Penelope's metallic coat puts yours to shame. That alone should be reason to either run to a tailor ASAP or burn this jacket.

I wish we had seen a full shot of this dress. It had so much potential.

I love the colors and the button detailing. So perfect for a summer vacation and business trip in Paris.

And finally, Blair decides to jet off to some European seaside resort town with gambling ... somewhere like Monte Carlo, but it couldn't possibly be Monte Carlo, right?

Because Monte Carlo is in Monaco, and there's no way that Blair would dare go anywhere near Monaco, right?

 ... right?

Unfortunately, the episode doesn't end with Blair and Chuck being arrested by the royal guards. Instead, she bets big on Chuck, abandoning all semblance of character development and reminding us all that nothing from this season actually matters, because Blair is in Monaco with no mention of her ex-husband, and she might as well still be using herself to barter for hotels.

Basically, this is the face I was making throughout the last scene of the episode:

For the record, that is my "Really, Gossip Girl?" face.

Serena spends the episode running around trying to blow up everything in her path. There were several times when I was worried we'd end up seeing Serena's macaron in this skirt. Case in point: this screencap.

I do love the yellow shoes, but seriously, Serena, you need to stop shopping at Streetwalker Kids and start buying your clothes from a grownup store. That's the only explanation I have for why her hemline is that short.

What's black, yellow, and crazy as beehive?

This girl.

Serena's blue dress of shame doesn't warrant mention here, because I am too mad at her for going all Shepherd Wedding on yet another of Blair's boyfriends. Instead, we'll just skip ahead to the part where Dan tells her he never wants to see her again.

This is one of the rare times that I actually really like a Serena outfit, even though it so totally Serena-ish.

Too bad it's going to get pawed at by a drug dealer for the next few hours.

Look, Serena, I might be mad at you and sick of your crazy, but even I think you're better than this. Get off the train, hop on a plane to Sedona, and spend the next few weeks doing yoga in the desert. Way better for your skin than being drooled on by a dude in a leather and denim jacket.

Minions, assemble!

Love the bright colors, love the purses, hate the clothes.

You may go now ... unless you have something better to offer, like some truly stellar outerwear.

Well-played, Penelope. Well-played.

Let's check in and see if Lily's sobered up yet after her morning tea.

Are those pleat-front pants? Nope. Still drunk.

 By the time Lily sobers up, she's dressed in her finest Dynasty-wear.

Only Lily Rhodes could pull this off. If Rufus were anywhere near her in this dress, it would instantly look ridiculous.

To hand over the annulment papers to Rufus, Lily opts for what I've dubbed her Freedom Dress. Unfortunately, she throws on a few too many strands of Liberty Beads.

I don't love the dress, but I do like that this is what Lily wears to serve her soon-to-be-ex husband with papers. Lily Rhodes, never change. And if you do change, please keep going on your descent into darkness. You do ice-cold bitch like only Cece's daughter can.

Despicable B - Part 1 of 2 - The Users

Lily goes increasingly rogue as she finally triumphs over Ivy, but when she finds out the Rhodes family is perceived badly by the public, she throws a family dinner to prove everything is fine. Serena catches William in a lie and then discovers an even deeper secret involving Carol and Lola. Meanwhile, Blair finds out that New York Magazine thinks she's low brow for having a marriage shorter than Kim Kardashian's, while Dan is both high brow and an up-and-coming author who's nominated for a debut author prize. Finally, Nate can't leave well enough alone when it comes to his favorite cougar and decides to snoop into Diana's past to find out what else she's hiding, and an even more dangerous secret finally emerges that causes Chuck to question everything he knows about himself.

Lily's always been a bit of a ball-buster, but she usually hid the lengths she'd go to in order to get her way. After enduring Ivy taking her beloved UES penthouse though, the gloves are definitely off, and nothing showcases this better than her style this episode.



Her dark coat and purse hide her inner fabulousness, but not for long.  After all, you can't keep a bad girl down.



Eric Daman doesn't always go the obvious route, but when he does, it usually works.  Lily's leopard print dress tells us that she's lean, she's mean, and she's ready to be single again.  This whole look is just killer.



Love her jeweled cuff!

For the Rhodes family dinner, Lily needs to clean up her act, and acts as innocent as the day she was born, sporting this gorgeous black and white sundress.



The stained glass pattern is lovely, and I spy another glorious bracelet, but that necklace looks like just a lot of luggage tags strung together. It ruins the crisp, clean lines of the dress by marring the neckline. Here are some better options for you:

More Marni...

Her ex-husband, William Van der Woodson, is usually up to no good, and doesn't dress much better.



Is it just me, or do his clothes typically look cheap and tacky?  Although, this is a vast improvement over his standard attire.  Not much variation between the jacket and shirt tone, but they're fairly complementary and it doesn't look like he's going to go take out an informant, so snaps all around.



Oh boy.  It would be nice to get a William Van der Woodson appearance without his patented "I just fried my brain on those fake cancer drugs" expression.  It'd also be nice to see an appearance with his clothes pressed.  That collar is so limp and draggy.

Nate typically floats along, going with whatever scheme's up in the air.  Very rarely (okay, never) does he ever head up a scheme himself.  This new scheming Nate is also sporting an awesome, almost Chuck-like suit.



Seriously, if you can rock those low, tight pants, then by all means do so, Mr. Archibald.  The skinny purple tie is a great departure from the gray, and really completes his look.

But as much as I liked that suit, I have to admit I vastly prefer it this way:



Half off, baby.

Of course, Nate is also being used by Diana, but then, who can really blame her?

No, the only thing we can really blame her for is a lack of imagination.



Yep, it's skin tight and two-toned.  When Nate was browsing through her closet, we saw a lot more interesting selections.  Maybe he should have focused on those instead of on her underwear.

Our Queen B has gone to hell and back the last few seasons.  So it's not really her fault that her hair is so limp and her wardrobe so uninspired.  This episode she tries to find her mojo.



Remember the Old Blair's amazing pajama sets, dripping with lace and sex?  Yeah, this isn't muddy green roses, but snagging a circus tent to use as a robe isn't the right way to go either.

This sundress is a step in the right direction, though.  I love the brightly flowered pattern, and the cute A-line of the skirt.  As for the white pleats, they just don't sit right, but I'll tolerate their presence.

Unfortunately, short marriages aren't the only area where she goes low-brow.



A few weeks ago, I pleaded with Blair to try more youthful looks.  She obviously took my plea and ran with it, forgetting the back of her dress in the process.

It was difficult to figure out exactly what "despicable high brow" was, but Blair's desired label seemingly involved her crashing Dan's big moment and then donating money to literacy.

Hrm.  Okay.

But really, in this Elie Saab, Blair could do just about anything, and I'd be all smiles.



Finally, a gown that isn't baggy and ill-fitted, but shows off her fabulous figure.  I'll even take the black, and that shade of lip color is flawless against her skin. Even her hair doesn't look all that bedraggled.



Let's face it, Blair hasn't looked this fabulous since Season 4.

Salon of The Dead - Part 1 of 2 - Over The Bridge and Through The UES

Dan and Blair decide to "come out" as a couple, throwing a British-themed salon in Dan's abode. Of course, it's not the Party du Jour without a few crashers - namely, Serena, Lola, Nate, and Chuck. S isn't so keen on giving up her It-Girl crown, and uses her Gossip Girl powers to ruin Lola's audition. Because Lola is a Rhodes, she sets her sights on bringing down GG/Serena. Except instead of ousting her cousin as GG, Lola accidentally outs Diana as... CHUCK'S MOTHER. OMG indeed. As for the elder UES/Brooklyn couple, Rufus finally realizes he's become a trophy husband, and Lily finds out Rufus has been putting Chivy up at the Soho Grand. At least Blair and Dan have a guide for what not to do when dating someone from across the bridge.

I want to love this, I really do. It's lovely, it's demure and ladylike... but it also looks like something a politician's wife would wear, especially coupled with that hair. Someone needs to remind Blair that a) she's twenty, not thirty-five and b) she used to abhor setting foot in Brooklyn let alone throwing a party there.

Someone also needs to tell Dan that his plaid is clashing with the Waldorfs' apartment.

I was hoping Blair would introduce Dan to Savile Row... or a tailor at the very least. Alas, no.

Blair's coat is a little too much like my mother's curtains for my liking, but her expression? I can almost see the old Queen B. As for Dan, is he trying to emulate Chuck wth the lavender button-up?

This dress is definitely an upgrade from Blair's earlier frock, but it pales in comparison to the rest of what I know is hanging in her closet. I do like the almost sailor-esque neckline, and the bit of sparkle. As for her man, Lonelyboy's pairing of a plaid shirt and blazer is a horrible idea in theory, but a smart way to blend the UES and Brooklyn.

Rufus in a tool belt. Now there's a sight we never thought we'd see. It's like Lily in sweats!

I know, Lily. The weight of all that jewellery (or the thought of you in sweats) would give me a headache, too.

Another lesson in Best Dressed Mother from Lily. If only she weren't competing for Best Vanessa Inspired Accessorizing as well.

Back in Brooklyn, we meet Dan and Blair in 10 years! Julian's even in need of a haircut. Maybe he and Dan could go off together and discuss their respective relationships/pretentious literary tendencies?

In all seriousness, I did enjoy Jenna's coral and floral ensemble. And Julian? He just looks like Dan.

It's too bad Julian and Jenna were unimpressed by Blair and Dan. I was hoping they'd stick around. I quite liked Jenna's embroidered dress, and Julian's lavender button-up looks scarily familiar...

Let's end with a song, and Rufus, strumming away in a plaid shirt.

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see us crystal clear
You with your Moët and me with my beer

Sniff. It's a tale as old as time.

It Girl, Interrupted - Part 1 of 2 - From Brooklyn, With Love

Serena's spent her first week as Gossip Girl hitting the delete key in an attempt to bury the dirt about herself, but an impatient GG warns Serena she's about to lose her privileges. So, S sets up Lola as the next UES It-Girl to deflect attention off herself. Lola fits perfectly into Serena's trap as she gets jealous over the newly-back Diana and agrees to model at a lingerie fashion show. Meanwhile, Nate is having his own power struggles with Diana over the Spectactor, and Chuck is torn between looking for Elizabeth and letting her go. Blair's so sad about not being a princess anymore that she snaps Chuck's head off and tells him that they can't be friends. Of course, that's when Dan drops the bomb that Chuck paid for her dowry. After much soul-searching, Blair thanks Chuck, and leaves him to play out her fantasies one last time as a Princess on the Met Steps. On the Ivy vs Lily front, Lily lures Ivy out of the apartment with a fake cashier's check, and then steels the much-desired pad out from under her. Rufus is appalled that Lily's acted like Lily, and refuses to return to the UES with her. Haven't we been through this before?

Blair, recipient of her freshly printed divorce papers, celebrates with Dorota in this puke-green coloured robe.



It doesn't matter if its printed with roses if they look like died and putrified on the fabric.

The costume department's been dressing Blair about twenty years too old all season, and at first glance, this pink and purple printed dress is a wonderful change to a younger, lighter Blair.



Of course, she's still set on making herself look matronly with the hair and the makeup.

But really, this is a really cute, summery look.  I love the patterned flowers and the full skirt.



Even that pink trench is adorable.

Blair should really stick to color.  Black dresses shaped like sacks are not her friend.



It doesn't matter if they're sequined.  They still look terrible.

Even worse is her pathetic hair.  I find it hard to believe that Dorota would ever let Blair out of the penthouse sporting this sad braided updo.

That's the kind of sad, messy braid Serena would try to pull off at a formal event, not Queen B.

As for Princess Blair Waldorf Grimaldi's finale, she wears an appropriately ruffled pink dress.



I'm not sure I understand the coat on top of it.  After all, Serena goes waltzing around Manhattan in barely-there skirts and nearly-invisible blouses and the cold never seems to get to her.  Maybe this is confirmation of her Upper East Side android status.

All snarking about her cupcake dress aside, Blair really does look beautiful here.




Cubic zirconia and all, she's a total princess.

As for her Lonely Boy, I keep hoping that his change of mates will mean a change of style.



Apparently not.

Confession:  Dan's hair is reaching terrifying levels.  When it has reached the point of falling in locks over his forehead unless its slicked greasily back, that means it needs to be cut.  End of story.



Ah, plaid.  The Humphrey standard.  If Blair lets Dan have his way, she'll end up with 800 count Egyptian cotton plaid sheets on their bed and a plaid gown for events.

The very least Blair can do, if she is going to take a side trip to Brooklyn, is make sure Dan's suits are adequately fitted.  This is just hanging on him, and sacre bleu, his shirt is not even tucked in.  He's Nate circa St. Jude's!



Now is it really fair to compare Dan to the other side of this isosceles triangle?

Probably not.  Chuck has a lot of money to spend on looking his best.

That fact alone begs the question . . .why would he wear this?



Good god.  He looks like a cross between the Gerber baby and a lobster.

Is it any improved from a back viewing?

Emphatically no.

I think I might need lasik after this episode.

Luckily, Chuck remembers he's a businessman, not a punchline, and changes into one of his dapper suits.



That muted purple paisley tie is so sumptuous looking, with the faint sheen.  And it's perfectly matched (of course) to Chuck's gray pin-striped suit.



Chuck stays true to his favorite shade for the lingerie party, feeling right at home in a lilac-striped shirt with a complementing purple tie.  It's not terribly imaginative, but it sure is effective.

As for Lily and Rufus, rusticating in Brooklyn, their current location clearly favors one over the other.

I'll give you two guesses who and one doesn't count.



I supposed if you're going to wear a medallion the size of a breast plate, you'd best pair it with a solid neutral blouse.  Unfortunately Lily also goes for one with beading on the bottom.

She's clearly starving for Upper East Side luxury and this is her cry for help. Rufus!  Help put an end to her suffering!



Unfortunately Rufus doesn't see that anything's wrong.  In fact, he's dug out some of the clothes Lily wouldn't let him bring to her luxurious penthouse apartment.  He's happy as a clam in one of his ugly plaid shirts that just came out of a dusty cardboard box.

Is it any surprise, then, that Lily returns to her fabulous apartment? Or that she would look glamorous doing so?



Love your bag, darling!  And that winter white sweater is flawless with your skin.

Rufus, on the other hand, has never seemed more stuck in Brooklyn.

There'd be at least one tear shed in sympathy, except for that godawful suitcase/backpack that should never again see the light of day.

Con Heir - Part 1 of 2 - The Good

Chuck invites Jack to town to thank him for saving his life, but finds the trip doesn't go exactly as planned (does anything ever go as planned on the UES?). Blair and Dan attempt to consummate their new relationship - but unexpected roadblocks get in their (oh-so-young-and-sexy) way. Meanwhile, Chivy finds an unlikely ally in William van der Baldwin in her quest to be accepted on the Upper East Side, and Nate (who yet again has a terribly boring storyline) is hopeful a new investor will save his newspaper.

Ok gossip boys and girls, time to draw a line in the sand. We've drawn it before and it must be done again.

What line is that you speak of?

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

What side did our Gossip Girl characters end up on? Let's start with the good...

Here is Blair is a Studio54/Georgina Sparks inspired bronze raincoat. That raincoat is so fabulous, that rain just doesn't fall and splash on it - it DANCES on her. She literally has thousands of rain drops doing the Hustle on her raincoat. Game. Set. Fabulous.

Wowsers! While I could dedicate an entire post to this one outfit, I'm going to focus on the smaller things, like the black lace on Blair's hips - very Immaculate Collection Madonna and loving it.

Her outfit is getting Dan so hot under the collar, that his plaid shirt's about to catch fire (which, to be honest, is something our staff room would often like to do - burn Dan's wardrobe and start from scratch). We just went from Lonely Boy to Horny Boy!

Instantly, Dan's attire improves with his newfound confidence.

That blazer and unbottoned dress shirt says, "Have you seen Blair? Yeah, she's mine. Bam! Take that Chair fans!"

Drunk!Blair, sporting a classy black top, is also brimming with lingerie-confidence.

They say opposites attract. Apparently so do 20-something UES hormones.

Chuck always gives such great face! Almost as good as La Ricci.

This falls under the "Good" column due to the matching purple tie and handkerchief. His committment to purple never falters and we salute him for it. 

Dorota's apartment!

Loving the bowl of green apples on her table, very motherly. But what's up with that interesting looking vase and wall-print? Is Darota's apartment the unknown final secret resting place of King-Tut? He was, afterall, born in Arizona and then moved to Babylonia (aka, the UES).

Can Lily seriously ever do wrong?

I think if she wore a potato sack, you would see it in Saks Fifth Avenue the very next day. And loving her three-piece necklace and sequined gown. Too bad it clases with the exposed brick chic of the Brooklyn loft. Also, dig the ring that's almost the size of the kettle.

And for extra points in our "Good" column, Lily does the near impossible - making the dull and boring color that is grey and turning it into a classy and chic top.

I think we found the original inspiration for the racy novel, "50 Shades of Grey." If Dan ever decides to go back to his monochrome grey days, he should talk to Lily first.

And now that you've seen the good, it's time for the bad and ugly...