Valley Girls - Part 2 of 2 - Back to the Future

The Humphreys have a pow-wow about Rufus getting married, then he arrives and it's awkward.

Thanks to Beth for pointing out this no-colour dark shirt is seersucker. I now feel obliged to say that I see it, and it sucks.

Jenny is in her usual taupe tank, but there are pearls mixed in with her chains today and not too much panda makeup obscuring her vision. She looks pretty, if a little washed out.

Vanessa makes one appearance this episode (good, because I always want to yell, 'she doesn't even go here!' in Constance Billiard scenes) and is not dressed too appallingly! Her embroidered duck egg blue blouse is something I'd wear myself, ditto the brown waistcoat on top.

Even her jewellery isn't too heavy or nasty looking. It's a prom night miracle!

Speaking of prom night, Chuck is sooo not recreating your girlfriend's childhood fantasy by sabotaging everything you plan, Nathaniel. Look at his outfit's innocent pallette and attempt to mix with the proles in that plaid shirt.

Nate is confused. I would be too if I went out wearing my nana's raincoat over my pyjamas.

The only dream of Serena's that Dan can fulfil is her release from jail. Like Chuck, he is attempting to appear inconspicuous. That t-shirt has a definite sense of 'wall' or 'sidewalk' about it.

Serena may not have been worked over with the phonebook, but she's not looking her best. I swear she wasn't arrested wearing that coat...

Blair isn't dressed too well either, so I cunningly used the arrival of a bespoke Marchesa prom dress from Paris to cover up her shapeless black sack dress.

Eric has a five second cameo, neither taking part in any eighties montages nor going to prom. His blue plaid shirt is acceptable, if only because the nice colour takes my mind off the pattern.

Fast forward to prom night, where Dan too is underwhelming. I praised his combination of purple and black once, and now I see it everywhere. He couldn't have spiced it up a bit?

Like this?!

Purple. Black. A mixture of colours in the bowtie, shot through with cream to match the bouttoniere.

Chuck's wardrobe is the one you have a long and happy life with. Dan's is the one you look back on and shudder.

Tonight of all nights, the minions look particularly lacklustre. There are things I do like - the pleated, sea shell shaped bodice of Hazel's dress, Penelope's bedazzled hair flower, Nelly Yuki's coral gown - and things that I loathe - everything Iz is wearing, purple accessories with pink dresses, pink accessories with purple dresses and so on.

Serena is, by contrast, a delight in nudes and sparkles - although now I come to think of it, it does seem she's suddenly gone down a cup size and the bodice is saggy. Never mind. Swishy, shimmering skirts and tumbling hair are perfect for a princess...

If not for a queen.

As I mentioned, this glorious black and gold peacock feather effect gown was made for the show by Marchesa and unfortunately never produced commercially. Blair compliments it with metallic fingernails and an incredible oversize citrine or topaz ring and necklace that bring out the deeper tones of the gold. Her dazzling flowered tiara is the ultimate finishing touch.

And I nearly forgot to mention how handsome Nate was in his flawless tux, although that bouttoniere is worringly similar to the one Chuck wore at Bart and Lily's wedding.

"Turns out fairytales end when they do for a reason," says Blair sagely.

I'd really like to remind the current characters of this moment - the girl who was over fairytales married a prince, her best friend kept pinging back to the guy with the bad hair, Nate continued to be confused and Chuck selflessly organised a prom and now selflessly cares for a dog, selflessly leaves the love of his life alone and selflessly has no good storylines.

What a difference a few seasons can make.

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes - Part 2 of 2 - How Much Wood Would Nate Archibald Chuck If Chuck Bass Could Chuck Blair?

Blair does love triangles like some people do manicures: often and well.

Our Queen B is not so big on taking the Lex Express to see Nate at Columbia, so she grumps about in a beautiful black and white woven coat and hunter green purse before grumbling to Serena in a mustard coloured blouse, whose cut is pretty enough to excuse the colour.

The tribal print on her skirt is very chic and calms down all that mustard. Brava.

Nate accompanies her in - what a surprise - a dark blue peacoat, henley, and what look suspiciously like bell bottoms. Dear Lord, NO.

Before we go any further, hear my confession: I lumped all Dan's outfits together because they're so boring this episode. Between brown and grey, his cater waiter uniform turns out to be the most fashion forward. Le Petit Oeuf catering service has it going on.

Speaking of 'on', Chuck appears to be making a play for Blair by dressing as Hugh Hefner. Velour is inexcusable, but a pink popped collar and a baby blue ascot are definite winners.

What does shooting hoops with his homie mean to Nate? Blue. Grey. A Natefused expression.

Jenny's dressing worryingly like both Nate and Dan this week. First we have a brown on brown combo, then a leather and plaid combo, then blue and black and torn jeans. Little J, you're not Katniss Everdeen, you don't need to camouflage yourself to survive.

Nice to see a young lady with a selection of coats, though.

Unlike Nate who has just the one coat, and knows no hue but blue.

Back to Hefner's homeboy Chuck, who has loosened his tie for a date on a street corner.

Of course it's with Blair, this isn't True Blood. That belt really does wonders to showcase her tiny waist, which was lost in the woven confection of earlier. Chuck informs us that we know Blair is spying because she's wearing her beret.

Of course she has a designated espionage accessory.

Vanessa, however, couldn't organise accessories if her life depended on it. The warm yellow of her cardigan, green and peach of her vest and green stones of her necklace are all lovely against her skin...but said necklace is chunky and awkward, and she didn't need to add another chain.

The path to righteousness is paved with good accessoring, which Blair has down. A simple headband matches the pretty black and pink print of her dress (love how the colour contrast continues even in the bow belt).

It's such a shame she later wears foundation instead of lipstick and chooses to dress in what I can only describe as a mint green and gold curtain. It's sacky and I hate it.

Everyone attends Serena's building's co-op meeting for no apparent reason, and Blair is forced to choose between pizza and wings with the white knight, or possible limo shenanigans with the dark prince. What do you think she picked?

But alas! It was all cooked up by Chuck, a man who wears a pink shirt and a patterned cerulean bowtie with no fear. In his double-breasted coat, he certainly appears devious enough to lure Blair out to Dagobah in the hope of finding their evil Yoda to strike back against Darth Gabriel.

"Let Jesus take the wheel, I have!"

Oh, Georgina. I see past your OMJ t-shirt and meadow blue scarf. I see past your skinny jeans and bad hair. My focus is your leather gloves and those buckled fastenings on your jacket.

You can't keep a bad girl down.

The mention of Blair - see what I mean about Blair attracting love triangles? Even born again Christians want a piece of the action! - brings Georgie back to Manhattan, conveniently the place where Nate is waiting for B to hurry up and pick him already.

He even wore several shades of blue for the occasion.

Seder Anything - Part 2 of 3 - Bolshoi Part Deux

While Blair goes behind Nate's back to secure her socialite status and a position on the Whitney junior committee, Chuck reverts to his old ballet dancer-ways.

This time, it's a ballerina from the Bolshoi, and it's past history in more ways than one.



That skirt is ridiculously short, but then if I had legs like that, I too might be tempted to show them off to Chuck Bass.

Her gold sequinned tank is a bit flashy, but I suppose the Russians are into that heavy-handed gilded look. Snaps to the wardrobe crew for keeping things character-appropriate.

Chuck isn't just back to ballerinas, he's rocking the blue silk paisley robe and matching pajamas again.





Love this view of a delightfully mussed Chuck.  As much as I love him all buttoned up and eminently fashionable, I'll take this version any day.

He rarely shows his vulnerable side, but here, you can see the events of the last year creeping up on him.



And it's in this pose that he utters the quote I believe completely sums up the point of Gossip Girl:  "It's stupid of you to want her to be anything other than she is."  Once in awhile our dear Bass says something so blazingly profound, you wish he wouldn't keep it buried with ballerinas or booze.

Jenny is on the prowl again, but this time, she has her sights set on her project partner Wes.  His mother owns a catering company (wait a tick...do you think his mother could be Gossip Girl?) and gets Dan a job to help him earn money for Yale.  Jenny thanks him by inviting him into the lap of luxury, aka Lily's penthouse.

She must have changed, because instead of deploying the cutest outfit she could to impress Wes, she chooses not to comb her hair.



At the very least, she isn't wearing that hideous raccoon makeup.

Later, for their "Monopoly date," she doesn't even bother changing her outfit, keeping on the same blah gray tank and black jeans combo she wore earlier.

As for Wes himself, maybe Jen realizes he is completely clueless when it comes to fashion.



But ugly clothes and terrible hair aside, he does know how to sport plaid.  Plaid and a Humphrey--it must be love!

Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.

The Age of Dissonance - Part 3 of 3 - Audience & Onlookers

Miss Carr is looking rather swish this week – dropped paedophilia charges tend to do that. Her wine coloured shirt is lovely, and as for that cut length pencil skirt…A+ for Cougar Carr.

Though her seduction outfit of a cowl neck purple dress paired with limp hair loses her marks.

But Rachel hits it out of the trailer park with this taste-free outfit. In the absence of that dull grey cardi, the transparent white tee and short skirt are too slutty for a teacher, even an off duty teacher.

See the similarity? Dark colours, grey…inappropriate for the situation…

Jenny’s multi-strand pearl necklace is darling, as is her hair, which I like better up; it hides the bizarre length and frizz. Her pinafore thing has always fitted badly, and always will until Taylor Momsen’s chest mysteriously expands in season three.

Like now, what is this hair? A Shaggy Dog Story?

Plus some wonderful shades of grey and brown, skilfully woven into hideous wool and plaid. She even has matching bruise effect eye makeup.

Don’t worry, Little J – if my hair were that bad, I’d be banging my head on tables too.

More plaid, more puke colours killing pretty hair and jewellery. There’s a price to pay for compliments in a YKYLF recap, Jenny.

We should’ve known a girl like you couldn’t afford it.

The Humphrey clan really give me nothing to go on, and Rufus is particularly bad this episode. I approve of leather jackets as a whole, but since it’s brown on brown on one of those awful t-shirts men wear to eliminate their version of a panty line...no.

What need is there to have an open shirt over a t-shirt? Pick one and wear that. Papa Humphrey has suddenly developed a bouffant in this picture. I like the Elvis swirl he’s got going.

But here is a surprising star: Vanessa sticks with one bright item in pretty pink and blue stripes, and covers up her profusion of gold jewellery with an elegant plaid coat and black jeans. Let’s ignore the puce coloured boots. Please.

And a miracle is about to occur: Vanessa wears something I would wear too!

This dress' large heather and cream print seems almost functional, but the sweetheart neckline makes it sexy, and her messy French pleat is fantastic. Stockists for her necklace would be appreciated. That’s how much I love the way it brings other colours in with the purple.

You KNOW it’s bad when Vanessa’s the one to pull it out the bag, which happens to be a marvellously gauche purse in a too bright colour I would normally disapprove of –

Not this week.

The clothes are getting that bad.