Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.

Carnal Knowledge - Part 1 of 3 - The Warring Factions

Episode Synopsis:  Rachel, Corn Queen and Teacher Nemesis Extroardinaire, takes her war with Blair to another level with her newest idea--no cell phones in school.  Blair and the Constance Minions fire back with a salvo that might destroy all the Queen B holds dear.  Chuck wakes up from his own Eyes Wide Shut experience and enlists the not-so-helpful Nate and Vanessa to assist him in tracking down the masked woman he cavorted with the night before.

We open with Blair finishing her community service picking up trash in Central Park, and I'm reminded of convicts who do similar work on the side of the highways. Only, instead of a bright orange jumpsuit, Blair dons this orange double-breasted coat with a very flattering empire waist.

 

And I love the extra buckle detail on the back.

Underneath, Blair naturally has on one of her fabulous school "uniforms".



Or rather, it's fabulous from the waist up.  Blair's cream cardigan complete with navy blue bow-tie is charming, but the bulky, ill-fitting blue brocade skirt isn't.

Blair wears some really beautifully vibrant colors this episode.  I don't like the overt shininess of this top, but the color is sumptuous...much like her "I'm not a convict" orange coat.

And then what does she do? She hits it out of the park by pairing it with this gorgeous deep teal coat.

Even her devastation over losing Yale to Nelly Yuki doesn't stop Blair from scheming or from looking her best.



You can only figure out just how depressed she is by the droopiness of her brunette waves, but as usual she does no wrong with her cream and navy embellished shell and cardigan set.

Blair's adversary, the sickly sweet Rachel Carr, actually dresses somewhat similiar to the Queen B, except that she lacks Blair's knack for color and details.

This simple ivory blouse with gold buttons isn't so bad, except when Rachel pairs it with this bland khaki skirt straight from some Midwest mall:

You'd think adding some color would help the situation, but...no. The one color she boasts all episode is this violet sweater with oversized sleeves, but even then it's not quite the jewel tone she's looking for. The fit is just unfortunate, making her flat where she should be curvy, and vice versa.

But, maybe this is just conservative daytime wear? You might assume that she dresses up a bit more at night, right?

You know what they say about assuming. When the sun goes down Rachel gets out the bland argyle.

Harold is his usual dapper self, rocking the argyle in a way Miss Carr can't. It's perfection with a blue and gray sweater, complete with plaid pants.

In fact, Harold seems to greatly enjoy plaid pants, as he chooses another pair for the Constance-St. Jude teacher's meeting.



Love the mixed patterns here--you can definitely see why Blair digs Chuck's wardrobe, considering what she's used to at home.  

The Mean Girls have taken a page out of the book of their namesakes, except instead of wearing pink on Wednesdays, I bet you the Constance girls have a conference call every morning to decide their uniform for the day.

Today's theme?



Brightly colored coats.  I especially love Nelly Yuki's sunny yellow with the exaggerated frog closures.  And how gorgeous does Penelope look in that shade of purple?

After their cell phones are confiscated by Miss Carr, the Mean Girls are more than on board with Blair's plan of Shock and Awe.


 
It's too bad that what's really shocking here is Isabel's hideous orange ruffled sweater.  On the other hand, Penelope and Nelly deport themselves admirably, opting for simple clean lines and more bright colors.  The Mean Girls, Isabel especially, need to favor a more streamlined approach. Perhaps they can take a cue from Nelly, with her simple navy tie and subtly detailed gold cardigan.  Topped off with some gold cat-eye glasses, she's purrr-fection. (Sorry, can't resist a good fashion pun.)

You've Got Yale - Part 1 of 3 - Wait Listed

Episode Synopsis: Yale early acceptances come around in a twist of timeline which baffles viewers and causes Blair’s hair to curl from sheer rage at not getting one. Instead, Serena gets in, amazing those of us who were still unsure if she could write her own name. Dan has will they/won’t they tension with Corn Queen Miss Carr in the hope of breaking yet another taboo this show hasn’t tried yet. Elsewhere, it appears Chuck has given up on both education and multiple facial expressions and is instead focusing on bringing down Jack with the help of Girl Scouts and anthrax. Lily surprisingly assists; Rufus is unsurprisingly ignorant.

When I applied to university, I got a balloon. Blair gets this, with the size of each letter denoting each person’s interest in her: Dorota wants what Blair wants, Harold wants his daughter at his alma mater, and Roman just wanted to organise a brunch and wear appallingly fitted jeans.

Blair-Bear looks wonderful in pink, white and grey, perfectly tailored to conceal her drab skirt. Her ascot and fluted collar add a touch of uptightness – I’m going to have to give up mentioning the white tights. She’s not giving them up, and I’m not giving up hating them. Kind of like an evil stepchild.

The only redeeming quality of the aforementioned Hose from Hell is that they match a glorious white winter coat with heavy black patterning and large buttons. Gorgeous.

Nelly swipes not only Blair’s spot at Yale but also the award for best outfit this episode. This pale salmon coloured confection of a coat is adorable, with particular pulling power in the puffed frills running along the collar and button fastening. Being a Power Puff girl is way cooler than a Queen B.

Miss Carr is this episode’s teenage mutant ninja cougar. She's sweet looking, but a boring navy cardigan and olivey-grey top do absolutely nothing for her.

And speaking of cats, meow. Check out the minions’ death glares.

They emulate their leader with pale, neutral shades and accessories in pink and purple, just like Blair’s blazer. Hazel resembles a gingerbread man, but Penelope’s fuchsia is fierce and Iz’s pared down look is elegant and a little frightening.

Did I mention the minions are all wearing animal prints? You get the cat metaphor now?

Strangely, it’s Blair who loses her way this episode sartorially.

This is her greatest faux pas; the sugar plum fairy dress has a tutu skirt and shimmery bodice which are striking but out of character. Her headband confuses me. It's a pale blue braid that doesn't even match her purse.

Blair regrets hazing Miss Carr (a mild atrocity involving fake reservations) and goes to make amends. To do so, she dons a bed jacket – either that, or an overgrown tulip is eating Blair alive. All these bizarrely vibrant colours makes me wonder if Eric Daman was on an acid trip that day.

Unstyled and possibly unbrushed hair, grey wool coat over who knows what…Rachel, why don’t you go stir a pot of something for needy children rather than trying to stir things up on the UES?

Instead of visiting your students at the weekend in a shirt with straining buttons? You know, if you’re not hoping to be arrested for paedophilia?

Blair’s gone mad.

I’m not kidding.

Is it a dress? Is it a blouse and a skirt? Either way, it appears the Plaid Monster has vomited tartan the same shade as her hair all over her. She pulls it off only because Leighton Meester is clearly trying so hard to make it work. She literally looks like she’s about to pop a blood vessel for this outfit’s duration.

Even Queller, desperately trying to pretend she’s the same actress from two episodes ago, thinks Blair looks hilarious. While dressed like Mr Darcy.

A plaid overdose is this ensemble’s surprise saviour: this coat has clear lines and a brighter colour which livens Blair up, though I’m still none the wiser as to why she’s dressed as a rug.

And neither is Dorota.

Gone With the Will - Part 3 of 3 - The Ugly

Honestly, could Dan try any less?



He can't even be bothered to tuck in his damn shirt.

What a drab combo--brown plaid shirt with gray cardigan.  I'm tempted to curl into the fetal position if I stare too long at him.





The other Humphrey child isn't doing much better. It's hard to know what to make of this outfit of Little J's.



It might have been halfway decent without the black turtleneck, but even then, I think the strange pleating and colorblocking would have been enough to pass on this.  Plus, her hair is just weird here.

Lily must really be feeling blue over her son's disappearance because her outfits this episode are a character-low.



A plethora of brass buttons do not a stylish tunic make.

And this is just plain shapeless and gray and ugly.  On the plus side, I do like seeing her hair down--except it's kind of limp and greasy.

Maybe Lily's problem is that she's spending too much time around the style vaccum that is Rufus Humphrey.



Tan corderoy shirt and that brown blazer? Just sad.

And here - much like his son - he's just not trying at all.  A little effort, please?





Back to the kids.

"On Thursdays we take stereotypes to their most extreme."

If you looked up "upper class brunch attire" in the dictionary, you might find pieces parts of all these outfits: brocade, bows, pearls, tweed.  Unfortunately they took this direction and layered them all on until it's just plain overwhelming.  Best of the bunch is probably Penelope's biscuit Chanel-style suit.  Without that ridiculous pink bow headband, she might have managed a somewhat sophisticated look. (And is that a dumbphone that Penelope is holding? Doing these retro recaps is such fun sometimes.)

Hazel, a slender girl, packs on the pounds in her jacket and skirt combination not helped at all by those sloppy strands of pearls.  

Do not even get me started on the clown bow that Iz choose. This is where I lose my patience and say goodnight.

In the Realm of the Basses - Part 2 of 2 - We are (Actual) Family

Confused? That’s exactly how Dan feels. Why is Serena tangoing with all these old Argentines when she’s meant to be on vaycay with Aaron Rose?

Either way, that’s almost a tea dress, very tasteful for Serena and very pretty. She glows in the nude colour, and the floral pattern is young and sweet.

Apparently Aaron really was a shag rug in disguise, so S decided to dump him for downer Dan. The layers of her white tee and chunky woollen waistcoat look wonderfully snug, but why is she flashing so much – albeit tight covered – leg? Wouldn’t she be freezing after all that time in the Southern hemisphere?

Yes, it’s a dull brown coat. Yes, Dan may as well dress in burlap sacks for all the fashion fun he gives me. At least he’s warm, though, and I can’t see his macaron.

The fact that he turned up the collar gives him an extra bingo, and another one since he completely skates over his issues with Serena and lays one on her right in the middle of the hallway. Now that’s what I call romance.

Mr Rogers and his pet raccoon are a similarly dynamic duo – Jenny’s tulle is fun but her grey tights kill its brightness, and Eric is rocking leather gloves against a tragic plaid backpack. I didn’t even know you could buy those.

Maybe a store grows in Brooklyn.

Jenny gets rinsed by the mean girls for trying to save Nelly from their clutches, and I have to say I’d do the same. Dark blue and dark green clash, sweetie, didn’t your parents raise you right?

Nelly herself is a bit of a Yoko No-no in all white, though I do like the way she’s matched the navy stitching on her gloves to her tie and popped the colour more in her glasses frames.

Hello, vanilla puddings. Are you lost? Their shared cobalt accents are lovely, but ivory ruffles are blowing Hazel out and Penelope looks like a Kardashian crossed with a polar bear. Iz’s coat is acceptable, and the studs on her hat are just plain awesome.

Channelling some rockabilly couture is Serena, in a fleece lined leather jacket with woollen accents. Finally, some concession to the cold! I would prefer a warmer shade, brown or tan would work better with her hair.

But colour can be so easily overdone. Green and magenta? Strike one for Hazel. Magenta and purple? Strike two for Penelope. Purple and blue…oh, Iz. Matching their purses is way too much, they look like a girl band gone wrong. Even their black coats are similar.

No wonder they make Nelly skivvy for them, this is a girl who knows no colour! Pattern! Hair accessories! And please, only Blair should wear an ascot. And possibly Chuck.

Different coats for the minions this time, and some fab mulberry coloured gloves from Penelope. Hazel is rather meh, but Iz looks like Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. The scene where she spanks the guy…then snaps his neck. Va-va-voom.

The Good, the Bad, and the Nondescript – Nelly is aware of pattern! She looks so pulled together in her hound’s-tooth coat with complimentary brown gloves and gold clutch. Jenny dazzles the eye like a disco ball, is she wearing coloured Bacofoil? Eric just looks like a cater waiter.

Dan is an equally poor showing, since he wears a Henley seventy five percent of the time and that same blazer to every party ever given. Why is Serena interested in him?

Note, Jenny: this is how you do sparkles. The idea of this dress is brilliant, but the draping makes Serena look a little poochy, and the under layer is too tight and gives the oh so attractive illusion of uniboob. I approve of the glitter, though, and her sexily tousled hair.

But there’ll be no nookie for Serena when she finds out she and Dan share a sibling, and none for Blair either when Chuck discovers what exactly happened on New Years; and so the plot thickens.  Just like Jenny’s poorly tended hair.