The Wrath of Con - Part 1 of 2 - The Takedown

Reformed Wicked Witch Georginia is back in town (with Chuck in tow), ready to spread the good news--and help take down Poppy and Gabriel and their nefarious scheme. Chuck and Nate continue to pee on Blair, hoping that eventually it will stick and she'll pick one of them. Meanwhile, Lily's developed enough affection for plaid shirts that Rufus decides to propose, but he finds something that gives him pause.

Bella has already analyzed and found Blair's green and gold wallpaper sack to be excrutiatingly unappealing.  It's a good thing, then, that she dons this bright yellow empire-waisted coat to hide it.



If only those buttons ran the full length of the coat and we didn't have to see any of the montrosity below.

Wallpaper dress aside, B's outerwear continues to be stellar this episode.



Her double-breasted cream coat is so luxurious and I love the touches of baby blue and teal she adds with the scarf and patent leather bag.  Golf claps for the nice departure from her usual primary colors.

What's underneath? Why, more pastels!



The blouse is floral and romantic, though the strand of pearls is a bit much, as is the bow atop her pink pencil skirt.  The entire outfit is a few shades past the twee-line.  All in all, she could give Michelle Williams a run for her money.

But Blair knows that pastels aren't right for every occasion. When it's time for the takedown, she's back to saturated colors with this gorgeous clingy black dress, with lace inserts at the collar.

Can I also add that her hair is beyond stunning?

The one wrinkle in Blair's sartorial perfection is pairing her black dress with this blue coat.



The coat itself is typical Blair outerwear perfection, but I'm not certain it works all that well with the black dress.  Something more dramatic and less school-girl might have been better suited.

Chuck rocks the multi-pattern suit and shirt with a purple tie accent.  Gabriel could take a few lessons from Chuck's style--but then so could the rest of the Gossip Girl men.

His camel greatcoat is amazing.  I love how it swirls around him as he stalks towards his prey Blair.

Just as Blair falls back on her standards for the Poppy/Gabriel takedown, Chuck pulls out the most potent weapon in his arsenal:  the purple suit.



On anyone else, this would look like Willy Wonka on Celebrity Apprentice, but Chuck can work this like nobody's busines.

His rival, Nate Archibald, just can't do what Chuck does so effortlessly:  dress well.



Case in point:  this super bland navy and gray sweater.  Is he hot?  Undoubtedly.  He's just not that interesting.



And I'll admit, he can pop a collar like a pro, but the blue phase still has its hooks in him.

Speaking of blue, Serena sure loves her an oversized scarf, shown here in peacock.  It's not quite equal to her love of sequins, but it's close.

But just like her buddy B, what's underneath her coat is not nearly as attractive.  Maybe if she'd left that ugly wrinkled grayish cardigan and kept to the blush t-shirt and dark jeans, she would have been fine.  I do like the pop of color with the necklace.





The necklace isn't the only jewelry that Serena's rocking, though--Lily gifts S with an insane diamond bracelet passed down from her great-grandmother.



New plan: blind Gabriel and Poppy with bling!

But as we all know, diamonds are as natural to Serena's as breathing.  Diamonds and sequins, bien sur.



Only Serena would wear a fully-sequinned jacket during the day, and with a plain striped t-shirt no less.

So then is it any surprise that she also wears a sequinned mini-dress to the takedown?  Of course not.  But I will add that I love the openworked gold sequins that cover it--it brings to mind chainmail, almost.  Does this mean that Serena is our modern-day Joan of Arc?



And very smart of her, Serena makes sure to keep her macaron under wraps with a pair of black tights.

Georgina arrives back in New York in a Jesus Camp t-shirt and girlish braids.  Blair works her magic, though, and turns her into a naive, but rich heiress new to New York and eager to "help" Poppy with her investment.

You can't judge this outfit based on the usual fashion tenets.  After all, it's a clever costume designed to be a ruse for Poppy--and on that level it succeeds beautifully.  Would I ever applaud anyone for wearing this ridiculously twee purple shift dress with that ugly gold chain detailing?  Not on your life.  But for what it's meant for, it works.  The ugly black tights and the crowning headband round out the deception.

Poppy and Gabriel, the terrible twosome, are surprisingly less chic than you would expect for con artists located on the Upper East Side.



I do love Poppy's choppy bob haircut.  It's wonderfully flattering for the lines of her face, and the gold accents she's wearing bring out the brown tones of her eyes and the shade of her hair.  But that blouse is pure fail.  It looks like a dingy flour sack.

Question:  is the actress playing Poppy suddenly pregnant?  Because she's hiding a Lily van der Woodsen-size baby bump under that bright blue tunic.





As for Gabriel, he continues his boring Brooks Brothers routine.  At least he's willing to commit to shades other than robin's egg blue.  Otherwise, Nate might have a new frenemy on the block.

Ohhh, you know what? I think I know the reason he's embezzling all this money. It's to pay for the most important thing of all: tailoring.

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes - Part 1 of 2 - The Con Man Cometh

On the Upper East Side, if everyone’s happy, you know something’s up. Blair and Nate 2.0 are planning to move in together (if Chuck doesn’t get in the way first), while Serena is head over heels for Southern sweetheart Gabriel (if only she could pin him down for five minutes already). Rufus wants to propose to Lily and may have a miraculous method of paying Dan’s way into Yale, but here’s the thing – if something looks too good to be true, it probably is. Things are about to take a turn for the dastardly…let’s roll on with the show!

Love makes you look better, it's a simple matter of fact; for Serena, it's an incentive to seek out a hairbrush and a dress in that glorious deep blue that suits her so well. The nude leather jacket really lightens up the outfit, and I love her layered gold necklace. Snaps for Serena straight off the bat!

A thousand miles away from Sartorial City, I've decided to stop ridiculing Rufus' plaid obsession and focus on his facial expressions. Today: pensively shopping for an engagement ring.

Pensively trying to sell the gallery in a round neck tee.

Pensively gazing into the distance while wearing a brown coat with a cinnamon coloured scarf and some actually admissible leather gloves. Anyway...

I hope Gabriel knitted this cardigan himself, because there is nothing hotter than a man who knows how to purl. On the other hand, there are several things hotter than a man who covers a perfectly good pinstripe shirt with my granfather's favourite mandigan.

Lily seems slightly surprised by my snark. I'm slightly surprised that her bump has been so artfully concealed beneath a blanket, which also hides half a very busy blouse. I'll allow it since the floral pattern looks lovely on her, but Copacabana called. They want that jewellery back.

Gabriel has been invited to that gayest of all galas, a co-op meeting: this means Serena must shop!

She wears the central Vena Cava dress, which would be my choice too. Sure, it's tighter than a rubber band, but better than the other slumpy, slouchy choices.

Invited or not, Gabriel is constantly vamoosing from his lady's side, so they have a business meeting to discuss it. If not, Serena has simply decided to wear yuppie business meeting clothing in the middle of the day, though it's actually nice to see her in something structured and not so revealing.

For those of you watching season five, I think this hair was what Serena was going for at Blair's wedding.

Didn't quite work out, did it?

Gabriel does indeed attend the co-op meeting, dressed for a funeral! Yay! I love me a man in a suit, but a two piece in charcoal with a charcoal tie and a dove grey shirt do not a hunk make.

Whereas Lily attends the meeting dressed as a pregnant dominatrix.

Rufus is there, of course, pensively gazing at Gabriel in a blah hued shirt.

Once you co-op, you just can't stop - or else Chuck and Blair have been scheming behind Serena's back and summoned Poppy after seeing her kissing Gabriel. He spins a story about her using him as a boy toy in return for her investment contacts and declares his undying love for Serena. Everyone raises their eyebrows, even Poppy, seen here in what looks like a workout shirt stretched into a dress.

There is a necklace. It is unremarkable.

Rufus - having pensively invested all Dan's tuition money in Shady Southerner Gabriel - reflects on a shirt well chosen. It isn't plaid. This is a big step for Rufus.

Serena - having not-so-wisely invested her (ahem) time in Gabriel - finds out he didn't actually meet her that night at Butter and may not be who he says he is. Chin up, S, that's a very pretty bra. The ribbon detail is gorgeous.

"'Dis my 'oh shit' face wen I findz out ma boyfren dun wrooong!"

You're still stylin', S. Big gold buttons class up any walk of shame, while leather gloves hide even the worst sins. That blue scarf adds just the right pop of colour to this catastrophe.

As for Gabriel, he's officially turned into Con Man Ken. That hair, that jaw, those eyes...that only slightly questionable shirt and sweater combo...but wait, who's his Barbie?

Dun dun DUUUUUN!

Poppy and Gabriel are in cahoots, Serena isn't his dream girl, and that printed blouse is boho enough for me to love it. The toilet chain necklace, I'm not so big on, nor on Poppy's plan to play the victim and hang around to screw with Serena.

"'Dis my 'oh shit' face wen I findz out ma boyfren dun wrooong to his ex-girlfriend who was my friend who's now claiming he ran off with her money too! Also, why am I wearing a striped yellow and white shirt with grey, am I crazy?"

Yes, Victimised Barbie Serena. And things are about to get a whole lot crazier.

Seder Anything - Part 3 of 3 - An Unfortunate Annulment

Cyrus and Eleanor are hosting their first Seder, complete with Cyrus' "Shmutz Happens" apron.

It's hard to believe he's a highly successful lawyer, but he's the man Serena seeks out to help get her marriage annulled.



The olive gray of his jacket, coupled with ivory shirt and periwinkle tie, suits him down to the ground.

Eleanor breaks out the shiny, unflattering fabrics again, but at least this time it isn't a neutral.



I do love her pearl necklaces, and her gray slacks are very flattering.

And thank you God, she finally found an outfit that isn't shiny! Eleanor truly looks like a million bucks.  Or maybe a billion Waldorf bucks.



Love the black sheath, with the fitted black jacket.  It is a bit shiny, but the shine is understated enough that I will give her a free pass.  In addition, the rock crystal necklace is a stunning, attention-getting piece that screams "look at me!"

Onto another stylish mother, we have Lily, who is still trying to hide her pregnancy.  Or rather, Kelly Rutherford's pregnancy.  Tell Rufus--it'll make dressing a lot easier.

Gorgeous, luxurious gray cashmere.  Lily looks stunning in this color.  Love the extra pop of the amethyst jewelry and the purple bag.

That is a lot of necklace.  Like Eleanor loves her shiny seperates, Lily can't stay away from the overblown jewelry.  



There's a germ of a good idea inside of the necklace, but it's just too much--too much size on the pendant, too many strands, too many jewels.  But j'adore her chunky topaz earrings.

Rufus, as usual, goes the opposite direction of his lady love.



That horrible parchment-colored, wrinkly shirt is just plain ugly.  And that brown coat does not help his case.

Serena, the wife of the hour, returns from Spain sans husband Gabriel, eager to obtain an annulment.



This outfit of Serena's is the cream of what she does best--a simple pair of skinny jeans, a cute tunic, with a cropped leather jacket.  Even her hair is just the right shade of bedhead.

Even better, I love what she wears to lawyer up.



Sequins are Serena's best friend, so not a surprise, she dons them in cardigan form, like armor.  Plus, her black tunic patterned with feathers.  And she even found time to brush her hair!  Sort of.  It's no season one coif, but at this point we'll take what we can get.

The best part of this outfit though, is the awesome blue trench she wears as a topper.

Serena's husband Gabriel reappears on the UES, and he brings his golden boy good looks. Why does she want to divorce him?



Oh, right. Because he doesn't have a tailor.  That suit jacket just hangs on him, and the color palette is just plain boring.

The best part of this outfit is the plaid scarf, with its blues, blacks and just the pop of green.





Dan, the erstwhile rival for Serena's affections, unfortunately spends 10% of the episode in the same hideous brown coat I begged Eric Daman to replace a few weeks ago.

And the rest of the episode, he wears a cater-waiter uniform, with more flair than he wears a lot of his clothes.

Let's review: Dan looks better in a uniform that in clothes he's chosen of his own volition. Ouch.

Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.