Yes, Then Zero - Part 1 of 2 - East Coast

Episode Recap: Serena is still in LA pretending to be a lowely production assistant. Despite buying pot for the now-sober male lead of the movie, Serena somehow lands a promotion, so she might be staying west of the Hudson for a while. Nate, Chuck, and their yacht are also in LA. Chuck spends the episode being manically reckless, while Nate ends up bedding a much older woman (Elizabeth Hurley). Pretty standard for those two. Back on the UES, Blair is fighting a losing battle with Princess Sophie for control of the wedding. Louis won't stand up to his mother, because that would cause conflict and he's far too boring for that. This sends Blair into crazy-must-destroy-everything mode, and she nearly calls off the engagement to run away with Dan (who has learned that his book is going to be published, complete with top-secret Blair information). But the most important thing is that our suspicions from last spring were confirmed...our little Blair Bear is with cub.

Poor Blair has finally realized why the only mothers in fairy tales are wicked stepmothers.  

My favorite thing about this scene is Leighton's posture: she's totally hunched over, Jenny Humphrey-style. She's frustrated and a little petulant, and also totally defeated. She is, however, wearing a really cute dress. I love the cut of the dress on her, and I don't even mind the random hip handkerchief. I can't figure out the pattern, though. Are those flags? Is she that excited to go to the UN? And seriously, why is she so excited to go to the UN? The girl grew up on the UES, I have a hunch she's been around a few dignitaries before.

Also, B, skirt's a little short for a future princess. If you're trying to keep your pregnancy a secret, you might want to go with a hemline that falls below your uterus. Just saying.

Blair might be all about committed relationships, but I have a theory that her hair hates monogamy.

Whenever she's in a relationship, her hair becomes dull and lifeless.

  

Look at that hair. It is sad hair. Remember how, in Free Willy, Willy's bent dorsal fin was a sign that he was depressed? It's just like that, only replace "bent dorsal fin" with "dry, overprocessed and flat hair."

Of course, as soon as she starts to consider breaking up with Louis, her hair springs to life again. It's like the follicular version of Barney Stinson.

Her wardrobe, however, remains unsullied (for now). This dress was, hands-down, my favorite dress of the episode.  

I love the flower print and the structured bodice, and the full skirt is a classic retro-Blair shape. I will say, though, her clothes are awfully tight for a woman who's six weeks pregnant. 

Oh, the UN dress. I'm so conflicted on this one. On the one hand, her hair and makeup are absolutely gorgeous. She is wearing sassy pink shoes. I will be dreaming about her necklace for years. She looks like a princess. Green is a great color on Leighton, and she doesn't get to wear it often enough.

 

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that the pattern on the dress was inspired by the wallpaper in a Tiki bar. This is a sticking point for me - every time I start to think "Well, the dress does do a nice job of being full without fluffy," another voice chimes in with, "But seriously, what's up with the palm fronds?" Then I'm just left feeling confused and scared. 

I was really expecting Sophie's wedding dress to be awful, but I have to say ... if you're going to be sentenced to wearing royal hand-me-downs, you could do a lot worse than this dress.

It's way more modern than most of the standard puffy wedding dresses out there. Although, this dress will not be near as forgiving when she's five months pregnant at the wedding. Given Princess Sophie's insistence that Blair carry carnations because it's "tradition," I can't wait to see how she reacts to a royal shotgun wedding.

Mother of the bride Eleanor has finally stopped dressing like she's the mother of the bride.  

Gone are the shiny grey tops, replaced by boardroom-appropriate button downs and slacks. It's still not what you'd expect out of a world-rewnowned fashion designer, but at least it's a step up. The top is nothing special, but I do love how it pairs with her chunky chain link necklace.

Again, nothing special, but at least Eleanor's wearing colors. The yellow top has potential, and if it weren't so ill-fitting I'd be raving about it. But, as fellow YKYLF staffer Lesley-Anne would say, golf claps for wearing a yellow top.

Hey, look guys, it's Louasfdlkja;sdfkjs;fadiwaer

Sorry, just the sight of Louis puts me to sleep. If the Humphrey men have boring wardrobes, Louis's wardrobe is the equivalent of watching paint dry. A light, neutral button down, possibly with a checkered print? Yup. Khakis or stiff, never-been-worn jeans? Yup. About as much character development as a Disney prince? Yup. The only reason to include him was because I can't get over how poorly his clothes are tailored.

Louis is really going crazy with this powder blue sportcoat. All I have to say is, it's a good thing that Chuck's on the other coast at the moment, because Chuck's neckerchief would put Louis's Dad jeans to shame.  

Really,  Louis? You're a freaking prince. Buy a tux that fits. That poor jacket is being drawn and quartered. It's just cruel. And press your pants. Forget the fact that you're a prince - you're engaged to Blair Waldorf. That alone is reason enough to press your pants and hire a competent tailor. 

No. Bad Princess. Bad. No greys. 

And finally, the Humphrey men. I'm grouping them together because ... well, Rufus and Dan are beginning to dress even more alike.

I have to say, Rufus is looking pretty trim. Lily's house arrest has been good for him, apparently. And Dan's t-shirt might not be anything special, but he looks good. Different.  At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but then ...

 

DAN WAXED HIS CHEST. There is no shag carpetting creeping out of his buttondown. I don't have anything against chest hair, but it was getting to be a bit much. And again, loving the yellow. The button-up style works on Dan - for starters, the shirt fits him. Then again, he's not a prince, so maybe he's allowed to wear oxfords that fit.

Bonfire of the Vanity - Part 2 of 3 - The Lawyer, the Bitch & the Waldorf

Queen B is turning eighteen, and she plans for a sophisticated soiree dressed in black and pink. I have no idea if that’s a shirt or a dress, but the streak of bright colour across the front brightens up an otherwise pretty basic garment. Hair perfect, as always.

The minions return in fine form – I love Isabel’s draped metallic ensemble, especially her turban headband.

Nelly Yuki gets top marks for being wonderfully understated: her Mondrian print top could do without those bizarre buttons, but that wonderful fawn coloured cardigan is my favourite. The over-stitched yellow detailing on the sleeves is gorgeous.

Penelope is definitely trying too hard. Her gold headband and bracelet clash with the big stoned yoke around her neck, not to mention her diamond earrings. Her purple shirt/dress – another one of those, I hate table shots – has a pretty print, though.

Hazel is tres season one Blair, very Betty Draper: the silver turban headband, the fifties style metallic taupe dress and heavy string of beads. I can’t understand why she would add a gold bracelet to all those cool colours, but she looks very classy, if not at all relaxed.

I love all the details on this dress – the ties at the sleeves, the tie at the neck daintily pinned with a brooch, the black polka dots and matching belt. She thinks Cyrus will be Cary Grant, and she’s dressed to match. Her hair is parfait, a ripple of Marie Antoinette curls, though it could do with a little more volume at the crown.

My top tip? Always wear bright lipstick with a drab dress. Look how well it works on Blair.

Eleanor goes for her usual combo of tie-neck blouse and pencil skirt. The shades of blue and grey are very pretty against her skin, and her necklace matches, but there’s nothing that wows me about this outfit, unlike many of Lily’s. The mothers echo the daughters: Serena is casual and Blair buttoned up, and Lily and Eleanor are just the same.

Oooh, giant cocktail ring. Too bad you didn’t get a nice manicure to match that, Eleanor.

This episode introduces Elenor's divorce lawyer/short stack squeeze Cyrus Rose, aka Wallace Shawn, aka Vizzini, aka ‘inconceivable!’ Welcome to the father fold, Cyrus. Harold and Roman will be glad to have you, especially with that nicely turned suit.

Since she has a gnome instead of a movie star for a stepfather, Blair goes black ops, which means a beret and a businesslike ascot. She covers as much of her skin as possible, as if she’s under attack. When things go wrong, she layers up, and this red is bright and aggressive and just screams ‘takedown’. Such a boring purse, though, hunter green. Something in cream or another bright would be better.

Did I say black ops? A butter-wouldn’t-melt smile, pretty floral halter-neck and a flowing ponytail are the polar opposite of Blair’s angry red. Does this look like the face of a girl who would sabotage you?

Echoing Blair again, Eleanor wears this lavender silk shirt with a petal pattern. It’s too loose and fits awkwardly, but the range of purple, grey and ivory tones in the fabric are lovely.

...just as Cyrus’ mock turtleneck isn’t. Ick.

Hunter green again, and unfortunately sans pattern. The cut of this shirt is very pretty, with a cowl neckline, and it fits well, but what is so wrong with a nicely tailored pair of trousers? Enough with the pencil skirts already, Eleanor, you’re meant to be a fashion designer!

Blair picks up her mother’s slack in this absolutely fantastic pink and black hound’s-tooth block print. They’re aggressive colours again, since Blair’s on a mission to expose Cyrus’ secrets. Her makeup is subtle, with neat and sweet cat eyeliner. Lord knows it takes me at least three tries to get a straight line.

Cyrus knows what colours suit him. Pale blue eyes = pale blue shirt. Men everywhere, take heed.

Dark eyes, dark negligee and robe set – Blair too knows what suits her, and it proves just how committed she is to looking perfect that she’s coordinated even in sleepwear. Blair Waldorf’s pyjama wardrobe makes me drool with envy, it’s almost better than her daywear.

While Blair knows how to make the most of her figure, Eleanor...does not. A thick band delineating the empire line of her dress adds extra flesh to her waist and causes the material to pooch, though the heavy sleeves do make her arms look very slim. The warm brown of her necklace matches her hair and livens up her skintone.

Cyrus matches! Dressed in a violet blue tie with white polka dots and white shirt with violet pinstripes, Cyrus’ party clothes are very dapper. The way to a woman’s heart is successfully mixing spots and stripes.

The way to mine, anyhow.

As for Blair’s party clothes...wow. Elizabeth I, you live and reign on the Upper East Side.

This ivory ruffled blouse is absolutely fantastic, overblown and overdone and paired with a basic black miniskirt which focuses all the attention back on Blair’s blouse and intricate hairstyle. My one problem with this blouse: picture number one. It has no way of staying still, and there’s very nearly a wardrobe malfunction.

Everything other than Blair’s hair and blouse is subtle, simple and pretty. This ensemble has a lovely mix of textures.

Black and white a la the Hiltons seems to be de rigeur at Blair’s party, and the minions do not impress.

Hazel mixes boho in her headband, punky in her jewellery and classic in her lace tights and it really doesn’t work. Penelope’s LBD is unadorned and boring, and by contrast Isabel has gone overboard. The frosted bodice of her dress is lovely, but a sequinned beret is not eveningwear.

An interesting addition is Cyndi Lauper, who turns up as the voice of Blair’s conscience, prompting our favourite bitch to run after Cyrus and reunite him and Eleanor over a secret she herself spilled. Cyndi, I can’t say a word against you, even though I loathe leopard print usually. Girls just wanna have fun, you know?

So Blair shuts down her sabotage circus, and dresses in a wonderful skirt. It’s lime and cream and brown, which you wouldn’t think would go together with black, but Blair must be the only woman in the world who has a black and lime belt to pull all her colours together and make her look cool and composed.

That composure doesn’t last long (oooh, maroon pleats!)

Cyrus has moved in (awesome fuzzy robe).

Blair is not amused.

Pret-a-Poor-J – Part 2 of 3 – Employees, Eye Candy & Eleanor

Some might call Eleanor Waldorf dumb for leaving a fifteen year old in charge of her company, but I say she’s smart. Any teenager who can successfully mix pink tulle with blue knee high fishnets, shoe-boots and more jewellery than Vanessa at a Forever 21 sale is clearly capable of anything.

I wish my job came with those kind of perks. Pecs. Perks.

New colleagues include Agnes McCrazy, a model on a mission. No way do I believe Eleanor designed this jumpsuit, for all it’s lovely and stripy. I’m guessing Eleanor disapproves of clothes which are combined when they ought to be separate.

Nate pops in to be hot in uniform, which I have decided to obscure with Jenny’s look book (since I much prefer him half-naked). Sue me.

And Eleanor herself is less than overwhelming in this tie-neck textured blouse. It’s not cream or black, which is a big step for her, and the deep blue compliments her skin, but her figure is lost beneath all that fabric and her pencil skirt is far too tight as a consequence.

If Eleanor is Jenny’s guiding light, then Agnes is a moral blackout. She may look sassy and smooth in her crochet vest topping a black tee and assorted necklaces, but that bowler hat just screams Artful Dodger. Looks at those shifty eyes...

And this is Creepy Max, a photographer in a stereotypical checked shirt, peacocking scarf and baseball cap. Oh, Max. Why don't you go back to 2007 where you belong?

But a night with the Big Bad takes its toll. Jenny looks like Hell the morning after, rocking too much eyeliner and some orange blusher which clashes horribly with her hair. She’s wearing Agnes’ clothes, and they don’t look half as good in them as the deceptively fresh-faced Agnes. The leather jacket looks like a last minute addition; it's far too Courtney Love to be classy.

Eleanor, verbatim: ‘you look like Hell’.  Sadly, a bit of rock ‘n’ roll would do Eleanor a world of good – anything but rock ‘n’ drool. She’s back in silky black with her hair scraped back and her collar as high as it will go. How in the world did she raise Blair Waldorf?

Agnes swings by EW Designs to work some hangover chic: a blazer over skinny grey tee and pleather leggings. I love that no matter how drug-addled she is, she always keeps the makeup minimal and her hair in loose, cute curls.

Jenny leaves Eleanor’s to return to her plaid swaddled existence. Her layered teddy bear necklaces just border kitsch, what with that dog collar necklace. I do have big love for her deep blue beret, however, I’m almost sad she takes it off. Also...did she steal Dan’s satchel?

On the advice of Creepy Max, Agnes and Jenny decide to shake it in the buff – almost. I have to say, I far prefer Blair’s lingerie collection. These girls go for block colours with no frills, no bows, no nothing! How can one hope to attract a Upper East Side billionaire with nothing but a few neutrals and a lace back?

Luckily, here comes just a specimen! Nate is a knight in shining Armani in this shirt, dark blue with deep red stripes. His man bangs are glowing with concern, his jeans are too loose but I’m still dreaming about the abs of earlier. Beauty over brains, every time.

New Haven Can Wait - Part 3 of 3 - The Devil Wears Waldorf

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Jenny Humphrey didn’t look like a strung out raccoon. She wore patterned dresses with kitsch lace accents, and it was kind of okay to see her bra because the dress was chiffony rather than because it had huge holes cut in it simply for the purpose (*cough* Unblairable Lightness of Being *cough*).

Vanessa Abrams has always looked like a cross between a bag lady and an extra from Hair: psychedelia all around. This epi, she tries to persuade Rufus of the joys of child labour by use of an enormous yellow bangle, shirt of many colours and scarily bedazzled cleavage. Has she been taking lessons from Serena?

Rufus espouses peace and freedom, i.e. his daughter not working in a sweatshop, in this plaid shirt we’ve definitely seen before. You live in Brooklyn, Rufus, not the Adirondacks.

He’s going head-to-head with Eleanor Waldorf for Little J’s soul, who is as ever wearing a shiny blouse. This one comes in quite a gorgeous embossed purple pattern with an assorted bead necklace that’s almost cute for Eleanor.

However, the hottest mama on the UES is unashamedly Lily van der Woodsen, who fits into this slinky little number destined for her daughter. The body of the dress is short and tight, and the cape-like sleeves drape nicely around Lily’s shapely shoulders and gravity defying cleavage. Definitely a Serena dress, but Lil has definitely still got it.

No wonder Rufus’ eyes just about fall out when he sees her.

Jenny re-emerges from the depths of Eleanor Waldorf Designs in a blue contrast tee with almost glam upswept hair at breakfast time. She looks lovely in muted colours for once.

Vanessa’s inappropriate cleavage once against reappears over waffles and juice. Other than the deep V-neck, her floral top is actually quite tasteful, and the yellow and purple shades go wonderfully with her skin. My problem? She’s wearing that necklace from earlier again, which looks like one chain has got tangled up and she’s trying to work it.

It’s not working.

They may be states apart, but both Humphrey men are on the same page. Dung coloured plaid from Rufus rounds off an episode in which his son has actually 'got some' in the guise of Nate – meaning Dan was boring, Nate whipped up a storm, and little Jenny Humphrey worked like a Victorian chimney sweep because Vera Wang once did too.

Thank God Chuck and Blair make up most of the plot this season, because bowties and headbands are the only bright spot in my plaid wilderness right now. Help!

The Serena Also Rises - Part 1 of 2 - Fashionistas

Episode Synopsis:  It's an episode of trademark moves for our tortured characters. On the eve of her mother's fashion show, Blair's jealousy of Serena has reached dangerous levels involving vanishing models, stolen dresses and sacre bleu, a hijacked seating chart. Serena retaliates and we're suddenly in the midst of a Serena and Blair Friendship Meltdown™. It's amazing these two ladies haven't managed to cause World War III yet. The ammunition's all there. Meanwhile, Chuck is perfecting his Skulking In Corners With A Glass of Scotch™ play, showing Dan the wonders of being Chuck Bass. In addition to visiting seedy bars with hookers, we learn about Chuck's crappy childhood with a father who enjoys protecting his family, but not actually seeing them. We also discuss Lily's Wild Past™ including that time she posed for a nude portrait (and no, Rufus was not the artist).

Blair is all aflame with life lessons learned from Nate, Chuck and Lord Marcus. She's decided to hie herself to a nunnery.



At least, that's the only explanation I can come up with after seeing this drab, prim ensemble. The pleats in the skirt are cute enough, but it needs a few inches removed and while the white blouse is decent, it's a little too tied up (literally).



On a more positive note, her hair is stunning. Serena should take note of Blair's hairbrush-wielding skills and give her own mane some similiar attention.


Season two marks the expansion of the Queen B's already expansive headband collection--and also of Eric Daman's determination Blair will wear a headband with every outfit even if he kills himself trying. Here, he almost succeeds. In fact, that acid green crown perched on her head is really the only false note in this otherwise lovely sartorial symphony. Love the prim cream cardigan trimmed in navy ribbon, and the light yellow and blue scarf.

Don't let the prim outfits fool you though--Blair's still got it in spades, and she proves it in this adorable yet sexy black ruffled romper. If only it had been Chuck surprising her and not Serena...

At Eleanor's show, Eric Daman strikes again--with an ill-advised headband choice. The dress itself is light and fresh, with its airy white and blue pattern, the royal blue empire waist showcasing Blair's figure to its best advantage. But the headband appears to be an afterthought plunked on her head.

Serena has none of Blair's nun-like habits--she's fierce and sassy and proud of it.

Is that skirt even long enough to be worn to school? Of course, we've long contended that there is no actual uniform policy at Constance Billard. After all, I don't think that this particular vest would ever be sold as part of a uniform collection.



Is it awesome? Undoubtedly. Is it a bit much even for Serena? Unabashedly.

Serena continues her spree of inappropriate and highly festive ensembles to visit Blair, obstinately to extend an invitation, but in reailty to merely patronize her some more.



I think it's safe to say that because of Biology class in high school, we're all aware there are such things as hips on the human body.  Serena feels unsure, however, and must remind us at all opportunities that not only does she have hips, but that hers are insanely curvy.

I might also add that while there is no Vanessa in this episode, this is a shirt that she'd love to own, since it's practically an accessory, as well as being a garment.

Serena, Pochatontas called and she'd like her dress back ASAP. Oh, and don't forget the trendy leather cuff that looks like it came out of the Old West, but is actually brand new and fantastically overpriced.


It's beginning to sound a lot like a broken record, but here we go again...or rather, here go Serena's favorite assets again, working their magnetism for every ounce of attention they can get. Also, it appears that Serena and Blair's Brush never became friends, either.

Sometimes it feels like Eleanor is making some real progress at looking like a beautiful middle-aged fashion designer. She comes so close (yet so far) in this fantastically ruffled purple blouse. If purple could be neon, it would be this shade of purple.



I have to applaud Eleanor embracing color so wonderfully, but then I have to stop applauding, because she's borrowed a pair of Serena's too-tight pants.

But really, the purple blouse was a huge step forward, and then what do we get for the biggest night of Eleanor's year? Freaking black and ruffled cream again. This woman is a one color wonder. And that necklace is way too heavy for the outfit she's wearing.

Laurel, usually a bastion of fabulosity, even when Eleanor's drab black-and-cream threatens to overwhelm the universe, looks pretty bad this episode.  She sticks with basic black, even though it does her no favors.

That little green belt is just pathetic.  You work for one of the biggest fashion designers in the world, Laurel, please for the love of all that's holy, wear something interesting!

It's ironic that it's neither Serena nor Blair that's the best dressed the episode. Instead, it's Jennifer Humphrey.

A classy yet hip version of the Constance uniform. I especially love the white blouse--it's a little edgy without being skanky.

Plus, how amazing does her hair and makeup look? I want to freeze Jenny right now and not let her go down the rabbit hole in later seasons.

This is a bit more of a misstep. Apparently Jenny feels the need to relate to the Amish.

It's hard to say if this dress Jenny wears to Eleanor's show is an "in" or an "out." The pink floral is not awful, and I don't even hate the striped trim, which looks it might have been ripped from one of Nate's sweatsuits.



However, it's the fit that really kills it for me.  It looks as if Little J shrunk it in the dryer accidentally before throwing it on.  Adding that rock candy necklace doesn't really help either.  The dress is too small, and her accessories too large, but it still doesn't quite balance out in the end.

Rufus brings it this episode by donning his spectacular red roses western shirt.  He's worn this before, and everytime I see it, my sartorial organ literally shrieks, but not with delight.



With pain. Debilitating, excrutiating pain. It's hard to believe Jenny is really such a fashionista when she lets her father leave the loft looking like this.