Con Heir - Part 1 of 2 - The Good

Chuck invites Jack to town to thank him for saving his life, but finds the trip doesn't go exactly as planned (does anything ever go as planned on the UES?). Blair and Dan attempt to consummate their new relationship - but unexpected roadblocks get in their (oh-so-young-and-sexy) way. Meanwhile, Chivy finds an unlikely ally in William van der Baldwin in her quest to be accepted on the Upper East Side, and Nate (who yet again has a terribly boring storyline) is hopeful a new investor will save his newspaper.

Ok gossip boys and girls, time to draw a line in the sand. We've drawn it before and it must be done again.

What line is that you speak of?

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

What side did our Gossip Girl characters end up on? Let's start with the good...

Here is Blair is a Studio54/Georgina Sparks inspired bronze raincoat. That raincoat is so fabulous, that rain just doesn't fall and splash on it - it DANCES on her. She literally has thousands of rain drops doing the Hustle on her raincoat. Game. Set. Fabulous.

Wowsers! While I could dedicate an entire post to this one outfit, I'm going to focus on the smaller things, like the black lace on Blair's hips - very Immaculate Collection Madonna and loving it.

Her outfit is getting Dan so hot under the collar, that his plaid shirt's about to catch fire (which, to be honest, is something our staff room would often like to do - burn Dan's wardrobe and start from scratch). We just went from Lonely Boy to Horny Boy!

Instantly, Dan's attire improves with his newfound confidence.

That blazer and unbottoned dress shirt says, "Have you seen Blair? Yeah, she's mine. Bam! Take that Chair fans!"

Drunk!Blair, sporting a classy black top, is also brimming with lingerie-confidence.

They say opposites attract. Apparently so do 20-something UES hormones.

Chuck always gives such great face! Almost as good as La Ricci.

This falls under the "Good" column due to the matching purple tie and handkerchief. His committment to purple never falters and we salute him for it. 

Dorota's apartment!

Loving the bowl of green apples on her table, very motherly. But what's up with that interesting looking vase and wall-print? Is Darota's apartment the unknown final secret resting place of King-Tut? He was, afterall, born in Arizona and then moved to Babylonia (aka, the UES).

Can Lily seriously ever do wrong?

I think if she wore a potato sack, you would see it in Saks Fifth Avenue the very next day. And loving her three-piece necklace and sequined gown. Too bad it clases with the exposed brick chic of the Brooklyn loft. Also, dig the ring that's almost the size of the kettle.

And for extra points in our "Good" column, Lily does the near impossible - making the dull and boring color that is grey and turning it into a classy and chic top.

I think we found the original inspiration for the racy novel, "50 Shades of Grey." If Dan ever decides to go back to his monochrome grey days, he should talk to Lily first.

And now that you've seen the good, it's time for the bad and ugly...

Crazy, Cupid, Love Part 1 of 2: Love, Prenups, No Pants

I think Cupid is drunk. Maybe I'm suffering from Valentine's Day candy overload, but is anyone else having a hard time following the bizarre love triangles on the UES? 

Blair returns from her faux-honeymoon just in time to play matchmaker (and annoy her new royal social secretary, who evidently has a crush on the horrible Prince). Even though she obviously has feelings for Dan, Blair decides to set up Dan and Serena.  Sounds simple right? Nope. After Georgina gets involved, the evening ends with an angry Serena, a hurt Chuck, and Blair and Dan kissing at the world's most ridiculous party (it involves jello shots and plaid skirts).

Nate tries to pursue Lola by throwing a party and hiring her as a waiter. Here's a tip Nate: paying a girl to hang out with you isn't a promising start. The only exciting part of this plot is that Lola and Chivy run into each other and get reacquainted. Will the real Charlotte Rhodes please stand up? Chivster makes a quick getaway back to CeCe's house in the Hamptons, and Lola learns the truth about her doppelganger from Nate. 

I was really worried about Blair and her evil husband, so I am glad that she is back on U.S. soil. Apparently all of her clothing was confiscated by the Border Patrol or the Monegasque police. They stole her couture and left her with this bizarre sweater vest dress. It's just cruel. Blair is already sacrificing to save her family's financial future, why does she have to wear schizophrenic knitwear?

Let's take a closer look with better lighting.

This is even worse than I thought! The bias cut fabric is mauve. Even the adorable pintuck pleating at the collar can't save this situation. 

I would like to take a moment to discuss this "Royal Minder" Estee. Does anyone else think that she looks like Katie Holmes circa Dawson's Creek? J'adore her hunter green wool sheath dress and chic hair.

Why does she look so lovely while B is stuck wearing the remnants of a knitting machine explosion? Not fair Eric Damon. Not fair at all.

Look! Rufus is casually buying Cartier jewelry from his living room. Must be nice. I'll take a Tank Americaine and one of those Love Bracelets. He has really settled in as a wealthy house husband. The fab hair and deep aubergine cashmere zip collar sweater... Yum.  

My favorite part about this scene is not Rufus's laissez-faire attitude or delish wardrobe. I love that the jeweler asked Dan if he was interested in purchasing something. Dan's response was that he didn't have a Valentine for whom to buy jewelry. That's it? I wasn't aware that writing paid that well. Clearly I need to get the number for Dan's book agent. 

I hate that Chuck is so miserable and sad on a holiday celebrating love. I think that he needs to stop focusing on Blair and start thinking about Monkey, his tiny furry Valentine. Happiness is a warm puppy.

This isn't news, but misery looks good on Mr. Bass. He must have an off-sight storage closet filled with wool topcoats, because he is wearing another beautiful one. I love that he paired the classic camel hair coat with leather gloves and a beautiful shirt and tie. Bravo!

Oh Serena. I think that I have an idea why you are in Singlesville this February 14th. Have you ever heard that adage: "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" Perhaps the tight plaid sweater tunic and tights are not the best choice. While the ensemble doesn't look horrible from this angle, we're about to get real in a minute. Ready? 

Is Opening Ceremony doing a hooker collection? This tunic would work much better if paired with some skinny opaque black cigarette pants and fabulous flats. If Blair is serious about getting Serena and Dan back together, Blair should loan her something a little less revealing.

Or maybe Blair could just set an iPhone reminder for Serena. I think a daily alarm that says "Wear Pants" could be very effective.

Nate is trying to be "bold and charming" by asking Lola out for a V-Day date. I'd say that calling a girl on Valentine's Day morning and asking her out for a last minute date that evening isn't the most "charming" move.

I do appreciate the pale blue and white dress shirt with the straight point collar- all business. But what is with the skinny grey tie? Nate should have gone with a wider tie and a double windsor knot if he wanted to hit is out of the park.

Lola must have read He's Just Not That In To You, because she turned Nate down and hung up on him. I'm with you, girl. Last-minute invites are poor form.

Now let's dissect this outerwear catastrophe. Lola is wearing a double breasted grey wool VEST. Yes, you read that right. Who would mutilate a peacoat by cutting the arms off?

Nate should just date his assistant. She gets better dressed each week.I love this work appropriate floral shift. It is just stunning and really needs to make an appearance in my wardrobe.

Although I love Assistant's outfit, I dislike her taste in parties. Thanks to her tie in with Gossip Girl, she pitched Nate the worst party idea EVER. Her "Come As You Were" party does not seem like my idea of Valentine's Day fun. First of all, who still has their high school uniform laying around? Secondly, explain to me how a pretend high school party is great publicity for The Spectator. The only redeeming factors are that jello shots and spin the bottle are involved.

I love Georgina, but I adore her when she is scheming and pretending to be Gossip Girl.

The hair. The neckline. The chunky gold necklace. Perfection.

Just when I was starting to think that life with Rufus and Lily was getting stale, Charlie showed back up. She always looks so upset and stressed. Girlfriend needs a yoga class. I don't understand what exactly she is doing there or why she wants to talk to Lily, but regardless, her interaction with Rufus yielded my favorite line of the episode- " love and prenups are complicated." True that.

It ain't easy being green. Charlie exemplifies that with an ill fitting wool peacoat mixed with a beautiful bright patterned green scarf.

The fit problems continue once the coat comes off to expose this shiny cream tunic.

Not a good look, unless the goal is to look like a sack of potatoes.

In a twist of fate (Blair's doing), Serena and Dan both ended up in the same romantic restaurant at lunch time. Their eyes met across the room and Dan made the move over to Serena's table (she was still wearing the plaid tunic, so my guess is that he thought he might score a noon time quicky). Blair really laid it on thick by sending over champagne and dessert and planting fake high school sweethearts at the neighboring table.

Sadly, the spark just isn't there. Perhaps Serena needs to cover up her business and Dan needs to release his flowing chest hair? That might alter the balance of power and positively affect the relationship (Yes, I have been watching Dr. Phil).

I adore this photo. Seriously, it just makes me laugh hysterically. My favorite part is that Blair is using opera glasses to spy. 

I really love Chuck. I know that I routinely declare my affection for him but I can't help it. He is one of the best dressed men that I have ever seen.

 

This charcoal suit is perfection when paired with the fuschia and white shirt, blue patterned tie, and magenta pocket square. I heart you Chuck Bass.

Speaking of sexy... Blair is back! I am captivated by the pumpkin colored silk Natori chemise and wrap. Blair's makeup and hair are beautiful. She really looks amazing and dewy.

See that gold thing in her hand? I think it is some kind of magical Princess dust or special Creme De La Mer product that commoners can't purchase.

G.G., Part 1 of 3: The Blushing Bridal Party

The day we've all been waiting for ... ish ... is finally here. The gang's all ready, but Blair has made one terrible miscalculation: she didn't invite Georgina. Instead, Georgina decides to crash the party, seduce Louis, and ruin the wedding - you know, as one does. She fails to seduce Louis, but does manage to record Blair telling Chuck she still loves him. This tape ends up on Gossip Girl just as Blair is standing at the altar. It looks like the wedding's off, but after groveling to Louis, they actually tie the knot. Unfortunately for Blair, he hasn't forgiven her - he's just decided to grow a personality, and that personality is basically a very cold, cruel jerk. Realizing she's trapped in a loveless marriage - and that Dan wrote Louis' vows - Blair flees before the honeymoon, with Dan driving the getaway car.

Most importantly, though: Gossip Girl is revealed!

For once, Blair gets to enjoy someone else's dream sequence.

Serena's subconscious is kind of enough to give Blair flattering makeup and nice hair. Essentially, this is the best Blair has lookd in ages.

For contrast, here's how Blair's been running around town on her wedding day:

In her bathrobe.

Okay, I realize that it's actually a very expensive coat, but the belt and the wide lapels give it a distinct "bathrobe" vibe. And, of course, she's opted to accent the look with yet another tiny hat. Now that she's a runaway bride, can she go back to the headbands? I yearn for her power headbands.

Part of the problem with tiny hats is that they make your head look gigantic, particularly if you have a very round face to begin with. All season, Leighton's face has looked off to me, and I think a big part of the problem has been these stupid tiny hats (as well as the flat hair).

And the makeup. Oh god, the makeup. Remember back when Blair had perfect, dewy makeup? I miss those days. How much eye makeup does she really need? I think Blair needs a refresher course on daytime makeup, because the excessive eye shadow, the obvious blush, and the bright lip are not doing her any favors. It looks like she's a 14 year old girl who's finally been allowed to play with makeup.

Okay, I'm including this cap for two reasons:

1) Is Princess Blair doing her own makeup? I realize that the Dutchess did her own makeup (supposedly) for the wedding, but after the prior cap, how did Eleanor not intervene and demand hair and makeup for Blair?

2) Can anyone ID that shade of Chanel lip gloss? I absolutely love it. It's not right for Blair's wedding day, but I'm not attending royal weddings any time soon.

Look, I love Blair. She is my favorite character, hands down. In the early seasons, her hair and makeup were absolutely stunning. Remember how lush her hair used to be? Those bouncy curls, the shininess? It was enough to put the girls of Rosewood to shame.

But oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Blair. You are marrying a prince. Spring for a trim. Your hair is one bottle of peroxide away from fourth-season Jenny. Look at those ends! You might have been going for beachy waves, but you wound up with Spring Break hangover hair. Where is the volume? The shine?

Seriously, how is it that Eleanor only realized on Blair's wedding day that Louis isn't right for her? All Eleanor had to do was look at Blair's hair. It's a cry for help.

Okay, I had to include this cap to give credit where credit is due:

Once the veil is on, the makeup looks much less harsh. Of course, she's spending the rest of the wedding with the veil off, but for the few seconds when she walks down the aisle, she really does look beautiful.

And of course, the Vera Wang wedding dress, in all its glory:

I know this is a random thing to focus on, but I love the scalloped hem. It has such an old-world feel. The line of the skirt with the veil is so perfectly classic - a nice reminder that Vera Wang, even with all the hype, does create gorgeous silhouettes.

The only thing I'm not crazy about with the dress is the bodice:

A random tulle bow and a fairly plain bodice are all very "meh" to me. I wish there had been more of a drape to the bodice. As it stands now, the bow hides her tiny waist (a remnant of when she was trying to hide her pregnancy, I'm guessing). If there had been a shape to the top of the bodice and more detailing to the rest of it, the dress could have been slightly more flattering. But hey, we'll leave that for the next wedding.

Also, am I the only person bummed that Dorota was not in the wedding party? Then again, if she'd been a bridesmaid, we would have missed out on her weird, matronly dress with what appears to be a "Best in Show" ribbon.

For the record: if you are making that face on your wedding day, and the three most important women in your life don't immediately stop and offer to sneak you out the bathroom window, Rachel Green-style ... that's a bad sign.

Aw, the Blairents! It's nice to see the return of Harold, looking sharp as always. I also kind of love that he and Eleanor are color-coordinated.

I'm happy to see Eleanor in rich colors for a change, but wish she'd opted for a more open neckline with that jacket. It had a lot of business going on down the lapels, and the tie-neck blouse makes the whole thing just seem overdone and claustrophobic.

I have such a hard time believing that a woman who designs such cute, vintage-inspired dresses can opt for such a dowdy, unflattering dress:

Eleanor, we need to talk. Stretchy satin is a friend to no woman, particularly when it's as poorly cut as it is on this dress. It's giving you a baby bump. A baby bump. And it's creating weird folds around your macaron. Do you really have no one in your life to tell you these things?

I'm guessing Cyrus is a bit too tactful to say "Honey, that dress makes you look like a pregnant moose," but have you no girlfriends who will be blunt, then pull eight other dresses that are far more flattering? Because I know I speak for all of us here at YKYLF when I say: we're here for you. Call us next time your daughter marries a Prince.

I mean, really. Who lets a dress drape like this? What is happening here?

Points for the cape, though. That's really the perfect outerwear for a rogue mission to ask your daughter's ex to crash the wedding.

The Age of Dissonance - Part 2 of 3 - In the Wings

Apparently, Elle is the most beautiful woman Chuck’s ever seen. Personally, I think Blair beats this Beauty and the Geek reject any day.

I also think Blair would know not to crowd such a small neckline with heavy jewellery.

Chuck is as radiant as a man can be in his purple pinstriped suit, lilac shirt and lavender paisley tie – the variation in shades creates a gorgeous contrast. His double-breasted overcoat is wonderful too, and the black leather gloves are Bogart to a T.

He even has classy robes. While cross-robing suits some people (i.e. Chuck in Blair’s robe is a total turn on), Elle is bedraggled and unspectacular.

The base tones of this suit are deep navy and beige, but the burgundy accents in the plaid and in the tie make it look less austere. The pale lavender of Chuck's shirt pops, as does his pink pocket square.

The leather gloves return! They’re accompanied this time by an incredible wool coat, made of patchwork grey, blue and cream. Who could turn down that coat face?

But Elle turns down Chuck and a life with him in South America (bitch). She successfully clashes shades of blue and purple in her scarf, gloves and purse, and but that lovely well cut cream coat is a little too bulky to flatter her shape.

Speaking of turning down Chuck, it’s Bart Bass!

Or not.

Chuck calls on an old family friend to find out more about his Eyes Wide Shut experience. Are we to assume the Basses have a Gordon Gecko-esque dress code? The Wall Streeter white collared blue shirt, the gold tie with blue and white accents, the smarmy grin…

I rest my case with Carter Baizen: high on charm, short on ability to wear anything but grey, white and blue. Carter sends Elle packing and pokes Chuck’s heart in a more suitable direction –

Dorota.

Just kidding. Still, Dorota is a safer option for a life partner. You’d never be left out in the cold with that snuggly pink robe up for grabs.

I rest my case with the delicious specimen that is Carter Baizen: high on charm, short on ability to wear anything but grey shirts and white and blue shirts. Carter sends Elle packing and pokes Chuck’s heart in a more suitable direction –

You've Got Yale - Part 1 of 3 - Wait Listed

Episode Synopsis: Yale early acceptances come around in a twist of timeline which baffles viewers and causes Blair’s hair to curl from sheer rage at not getting one. Instead, Serena gets in, amazing those of us who were still unsure if she could write her own name. Dan has will they/won’t they tension with Corn Queen Miss Carr in the hope of breaking yet another taboo this show hasn’t tried yet. Elsewhere, it appears Chuck has given up on both education and multiple facial expressions and is instead focusing on bringing down Jack with the help of Girl Scouts and anthrax. Lily surprisingly assists; Rufus is unsurprisingly ignorant.

When I applied to university, I got a balloon. Blair gets this, with the size of each letter denoting each person’s interest in her: Dorota wants what Blair wants, Harold wants his daughter at his alma mater, and Roman just wanted to organise a brunch and wear appallingly fitted jeans.

Blair-Bear looks wonderful in pink, white and grey, perfectly tailored to conceal her drab skirt. Her ascot and fluted collar add a touch of uptightness – I’m going to have to give up mentioning the white tights. She’s not giving them up, and I’m not giving up hating them. Kind of like an evil stepchild.

The only redeeming quality of the aforementioned Hose from Hell is that they match a glorious white winter coat with heavy black patterning and large buttons. Gorgeous.

Nelly swipes not only Blair’s spot at Yale but also the award for best outfit this episode. This pale salmon coloured confection of a coat is adorable, with particular pulling power in the puffed frills running along the collar and button fastening. Being a Power Puff girl is way cooler than a Queen B.

Miss Carr is this episode’s teenage mutant ninja cougar. She's sweet looking, but a boring navy cardigan and olivey-grey top do absolutely nothing for her.

And speaking of cats, meow. Check out the minions’ death glares.

They emulate their leader with pale, neutral shades and accessories in pink and purple, just like Blair’s blazer. Hazel resembles a gingerbread man, but Penelope’s fuchsia is fierce and Iz’s pared down look is elegant and a little frightening.

Did I mention the minions are all wearing animal prints? You get the cat metaphor now?

Strangely, it’s Blair who loses her way this episode sartorially.

This is her greatest faux pas; the sugar plum fairy dress has a tutu skirt and shimmery bodice which are striking but out of character. Her headband confuses me. It's a pale blue braid that doesn't even match her purse.

Blair regrets hazing Miss Carr (a mild atrocity involving fake reservations) and goes to make amends. To do so, she dons a bed jacket – either that, or an overgrown tulip is eating Blair alive. All these bizarrely vibrant colours makes me wonder if Eric Daman was on an acid trip that day.

Unstyled and possibly unbrushed hair, grey wool coat over who knows what…Rachel, why don’t you go stir a pot of something for needy children rather than trying to stir things up on the UES?

Instead of visiting your students at the weekend in a shirt with straining buttons? You know, if you’re not hoping to be arrested for paedophilia?

Blair’s gone mad.

I’m not kidding.

Is it a dress? Is it a blouse and a skirt? Either way, it appears the Plaid Monster has vomited tartan the same shade as her hair all over her. She pulls it off only because Leighton Meester is clearly trying so hard to make it work. She literally looks like she’s about to pop a blood vessel for this outfit’s duration.

Even Queller, desperately trying to pretend she’s the same actress from two episodes ago, thinks Blair looks hilarious. While dressed like Mr Darcy.

A plaid overdose is this ensemble’s surprise saviour: this coat has clear lines and a brighter colour which livens Blair up, though I’m still none the wiser as to why she’s dressed as a rug.

And neither is Dorota.