The Return of the Ring - Part 2 of 2 - Plotless

Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?

Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.

For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.

There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.

Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...

This debonair bastard is your competition.

By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.

I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."

Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.

Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.

He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.

 Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:

Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.

Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:

You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.

And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.

And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.

We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.

Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.

As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?

I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.

I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:

Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.

OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.

It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.

Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.

Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.

Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?

Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.

The Fugitives - Part 2 of 2 - When in Rome

Lately, things have been all about fabulous robes  (or hideous, depending on your taste) and doing a parent trap style switcheroo. Like Blair channeling Diana or the “twins” ChIvy and Lola.

But let’s start with the robes. Particularly Blair’s. Because she kind of tried this week.

It’s not amazeballs or anything, but it was a clear step in the right direction from what she’s been wearing lately. Maybe she brings the good robe to Brooklyn to make sure they know who’s the fairest of the Burroughs. It’s too bad she didn’t bring a better robe for Dan.

Surprise! Dan is wearing grey! Now, I think it's time we address something: Dan's ever growing head of hair. While I've explained it away to others as "because he's a writer", I think that excuse is wearing thin. And while, for the record, I'm okay with Dan/Blair romance (I know. I'm in the minority), my biggest beef with it is this: there's no way she'd let that hair go on for this long. Not for reals. Especially not with the gel he's been using lately.

The gelled hair? The purple plaid wool? Please. Although, I will say this: Dan without gel harkens back to a time when I did actually like Dan with that much hair.

But that is hair for a teenage boy. Not the boyfriend of Blair Waldorf. Longish is okay, but Dan? This is getting out of control. Especially if you're planning on keeping this girl around.

When Blair looks tidy, tailored, well accessorized and not with limp flat hair, I like her best. That is a fantastic look for Blair. Scheming and planning elaborate desserts really do wonders for her.

Even if those ornate dessert spreads baffle the questionable plot element of Roman writing school alumnus.

But random Rome guy was necessary to bring us this:

Whaaaaaaa? Still no comb, but Serena looking lovely? How is this possible? Well friends, it's possible because she's in costume. What Serena wears when Blair isn't picking her outfit? It's this.

I don't even understand what's happening there. I appreciate her attempts to cover the macaron and wear semi-sensible shoes, but it's like she escaped from a stylish production of Annie. I mean look at these girls:

Now look at Serena:

Seriously. It's leftovers from Miss Hannigan's goodwill donations.

But Serena as Blair? Love it. Love it a lot.

The coat has colour! It pops! Even the headband is super adorbs and full of colour. Much better than the drab outerwear that went with her drab orphan clothes.

The scarf has a nice pop of colour, but girlfriend needs to lay off the beige. Go for something more like this:

And really Dan, you too. Lay off the neutrals and take a page from the Style Bible of Blair W. Colour is your friend. Just look at your ex-girlfriend who shares your fondness for bad hair!

That sheath dress is all kinds of fantastic. The goods are covered, yet it's flattering. The accessories are just right. Golf claps S, golf claps. Although, I'd probably make the same face Eleanor made when she saw you.

I mean, she's comes back from Paris expecting you to flaunt what you've got and instead finds you dressed tastefully? Weird. Although, I'd make the face right back at her, because I'm not sure why Eleanor is wearing the giant wool sack of a cape. Did Paris suddenly turn one of our former regular characters into a person who knows how to dress for chilly weather? Bizarre.

But for all your tasteful dressing S and saving B's plans to head to Rome with her fella, you've dug yourself in deep with your latest shining example of how you're actually kind of a sucky friend.

S, it's what you do, not what you say. Because you can say, "I love you B" until the cows come home

Raiders of the Lost Art - Part 2 of 2 - Les Hommes

Chuck has a whole handful of issues--trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, Blair issues. . .

. . .but at least we can consistently count on him for not having any sartorial issues.



What a gorgeous paisley robe.  Blair, I hope you are taking notes.

And of course, when you show up to ask a lady a favor, you always look your best.  



Like this wonderful gray overcoat.

Or this gorgeous navy pinstriped three-piece suit. 



The pop of color in his lavender pocketsquare and the periwinkle tie is just perfect.  Nobody wears a suit like Chuck Bass does.

Can you really blame Dan for not trying, then?

At least he's wearing a color that isn't blue or gray.  Still sporting that ridiculous hair-mop though.



Minus 50 points for not tucking said shirt in.  Seriously Dan, you are not in high school anymore.

Unbelievably, Nate might be able to give his buddy Dan some pointers.



The slim-cut suit was really designed for a build like Nate's.  Chuck couldn't wear these because he's a bit stockier, but they are sex-on-a-stick for Nate.  Can you really fault Lola for turning her back on a lifetime of UES-hatred for a chance to get into those snug pants?  I don't think so.



I see, though, that Nate has returned to his favorite place -- Island Blue.  That's okay, I'm prepared to be rather indulgent because of how good he looks.

Uncle (Dad?) Jack would feel right at home on the Hairspray set.  He's sporting a serious control freak hairdo.



As if he didn't already look slimy enough.



That is one thing that Bart and Chuck always had in common:  they could wear the hell out of a suit.  Jack just looks sloppy and careless, as if it doesn't matter what's on his body.

As for Mr. Bass himself, he looks fairly good considering that he's spent the last few years in a coffin.

OH WAIT. . .



Still dapper as ever.  Love the blues and grays in his tie, and how his suit picks up the miniscule pinstripes in his shirt.  For sheer genius at complementary matching, Bart needs to be Chuck's dad, dead or alive.

Despicable B - Part 2 of 2 - The Used

It's odd to think of Serena as a victim, when, as Gossip Girl, she has more power than just about anyone. Or so the show would like you to believe. Frankly, she's gotten kind of hang-doggish and pathetic, lately.

There's no better way to cheer yourself up than by donning a truly spectacular scarf.



There are no words for how much I covet this.  In fact, Serena has seemingly left trashy chic behind for mere chic.  Losing Dan to Blair has only improved her sartorial success rate.

Her ombre coat is divine on her and forces the question:  "why doesn't Serena wear green more often?"  It really suits her.



And no stilettos or ridiculous platform boots!  Nevermind that Serena's macaron is, for once, appropriately covered in this awesome ensemble.

Of course, such progress was certain to be temporary.  Serena, forced into attending a happy Rhodes family dinner (an oxymoron, to be sure), she drags out the tightest dress she can find.



Her favorite accessories are being crushed and contained in this ridiculously tight bandage dress.



I'm not certain how she even sat in this.  From her expression, even Serena isn't sure.

But yet again, Serena unleashes the full force of an awesome scarf.



That blue leopard print is to die for.

As for her dear sister (half-sister, Serena reminds us), Lola is still lost.



It's a fact that Lola is a beautiful girl.  Why then does she hide it all away in that ugly brown smock and schlumpy blue sweater?  Would it kill her to wear something fitted and attractive?



The answer to that is, yes.  Because unfortunately the direction Lola's headed is distinctly bohemian, and we've already seen the train wreck that is bohemian fashion on this show.  Vanessa's costume jewelry closet, anyone?

The coat isn't a bad color, I guess, but with the olive green fringed bag and that odd navajo print hanging out of it, it just looks sad.  As a blond, doesn't she realize that the brown blouse is doing her no favors?

At the Rhodes dinner, we get confirmation from more than one source that Lola and Serena are related.

Carol and William confirm it, of course, but then Lola also breaks out the sequins.



It's the beginning of a good idea.  Still, even the old gold shade suits her better than the brown and persimmon of earlier, it's still just an ugly dress.  And after weeks of seeing gold party dresses on her, it's time to try another color.

Hey, remember when we though this girl was a Rhodes? Ivy, imposter extroardinaire, has really let herself go.



Good hair, decent makeup, but my god, was her robe the only coat she had left to her name?  Lily is ruthless, apparently.

Speaking of ruthless, it's taken him three seasons, but Rufus has finally realized he's a kept man.



Bless.  He tucks in his plaid shirts now!  That's overriding evidence that he's become a trophy husband.

The good (okay, more like better) news is that he's discovered the existence of barbers in Brooklyn!



This is a discovery he should share with his son, STAT.



Dan's hair is halfway to becoming a full-time regular on the show.  Also, Blair tried telling us that she picked out this outfit.  Do we look that gullible to you?

I didn't think so.



Pretty typical Dan Humphrey semi-formal attire, although it fit right in with the crowd at the literary party. He was wearing a variation of this back when he was with Serena.  Hopefully now there's at least a designer label inside that sport coat.

Designer labels are something as natural to Chuck Bass as Scotch or Asian hookers.  Sorry.  Asian flight attendants.



This windowpane plaid coat makes everything in the world better.  Chuck's pattern mixing, from the stripes in his shirt to the polkadots in his tie to the paisley in his pocketsquare, might single-handedly bring about world peace.

Worst victim of this episode, hands down, is Carol.

Not only is she exposed as that woman who slept with her sister's husband and got pregnant, but she totally wore this black dress to not only prove she was rolling in the dough now, but to entice William back to the fold.  Ew.  Gross.



She's definitely showing the goods that God gave her.



That necklace screams "I'm cheap, and need the police to cart me away now."

The sum value of her wardrobe in this scene is easily quadruple what it was for the entire rest of her appearance combined.  Whatever kind of person Carol is, she definitely knows how to go out with a bang.

Salon of The Dead - Part 1 of 2 - Over The Bridge and Through The UES

Dan and Blair decide to "come out" as a couple, throwing a British-themed salon in Dan's abode. Of course, it's not the Party du Jour without a few crashers - namely, Serena, Lola, Nate, and Chuck. S isn't so keen on giving up her It-Girl crown, and uses her Gossip Girl powers to ruin Lola's audition. Because Lola is a Rhodes, she sets her sights on bringing down GG/Serena. Except instead of ousting her cousin as GG, Lola accidentally outs Diana as... CHUCK'S MOTHER. OMG indeed. As for the elder UES/Brooklyn couple, Rufus finally realizes he's become a trophy husband, and Lily finds out Rufus has been putting Chivy up at the Soho Grand. At least Blair and Dan have a guide for what not to do when dating someone from across the bridge.

I want to love this, I really do. It's lovely, it's demure and ladylike... but it also looks like something a politician's wife would wear, especially coupled with that hair. Someone needs to remind Blair that a) she's twenty, not thirty-five and b) she used to abhor setting foot in Brooklyn let alone throwing a party there.

Someone also needs to tell Dan that his plaid is clashing with the Waldorfs' apartment.

I was hoping Blair would introduce Dan to Savile Row... or a tailor at the very least. Alas, no.

Blair's coat is a little too much like my mother's curtains for my liking, but her expression? I can almost see the old Queen B. As for Dan, is he trying to emulate Chuck wth the lavender button-up?

This dress is definitely an upgrade from Blair's earlier frock, but it pales in comparison to the rest of what I know is hanging in her closet. I do like the almost sailor-esque neckline, and the bit of sparkle. As for her man, Lonelyboy's pairing of a plaid shirt and blazer is a horrible idea in theory, but a smart way to blend the UES and Brooklyn.

Rufus in a tool belt. Now there's a sight we never thought we'd see. It's like Lily in sweats!

I know, Lily. The weight of all that jewellery (or the thought of you in sweats) would give me a headache, too.

Another lesson in Best Dressed Mother from Lily. If only she weren't competing for Best Vanessa Inspired Accessorizing as well.

Back in Brooklyn, we meet Dan and Blair in 10 years! Julian's even in need of a haircut. Maybe he and Dan could go off together and discuss their respective relationships/pretentious literary tendencies?

In all seriousness, I did enjoy Jenna's coral and floral ensemble. And Julian? He just looks like Dan.

It's too bad Julian and Jenna were unimpressed by Blair and Dan. I was hoping they'd stick around. I quite liked Jenna's embroidered dress, and Julian's lavender button-up looks scarily familiar...

Let's end with a song, and Rufus, strumming away in a plaid shirt.

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see us crystal clear
You with your Moët and me with my beer

Sniff. It's a tale as old as time.