The Return of the Ring - Part 2 of 2 - Plotless

Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?

Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.

For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.

There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.

Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...

This debonair bastard is your competition.

By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.

I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."

Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.

Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.

He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.

 Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:

Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.

Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:

You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.

And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.

And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.

We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.

Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.

As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?

I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.

I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:

Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.

OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.

It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.

Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.

Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.

Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?

Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.

The Fugitives - Part 1 of 2 - How to save a Bart

Things this episode was big on? Hair (Dan), schemes, misunderstandings and soapiness. All the things we love about GG (well, minus Dan's hair). Totally Not Dead Bart was hit by a car, but he was in hiding from an evil blackmailer. Even though his TOTALLY NOT DEAD father was a total d-bag his entire life, Chuck is determined to save his life (anyone else looking forward to the reunion with Lily?) and recruits Blair to help. Blair's solution? Entrap the evil blackmailer with Lola and Chivy pretending to be twin prostitutes. Meanwhile, Nate almost blows the whole scheme because his knickers are in a twist about Diana/India and her lies. He really needs to learn to trust Chuck and his plans. Dan wants Blair to go to Rome with him, but still has some serious trust issues to work through. And Serena, bless her heart, is Blair's best friend and worst enemy: she helps secure Dan's spot in Rome by pretending to be B, but is going to cause some heartbreak because she's leaked B's diary to GG.

In an ominous looking country manor, all is revealed to us about the mysterious not actually a death of Bart Bass.

If you were going to have a prostitute party and then reveal Secrets to you son, this really is the place to do it. A hotel room wouldn't do at all. Mostly because not enough hotels, especially not the ones you own, have majestic looking wood pannelling and a good tea service.

Of course, for the revealing of Secrets, it's best to dress in smart, somber business attire - like Bart's conservative grey suit. Nothing too flashy for the first time you chill out with you son since you totally didn't die (I know. This newly alive Bart is still a miracle to me).

When learning the goods on how your dad faked his death, It's best to go with a pinstriped three piece suit. Don't get too flashy with your colours either.

You know, stick to your signature purple for shirt, tie and pocket square. Let the patterns do the talking for you.

Mostly because you'll probably spend most of your day dumbfounded that your dad is totally not dead.

For the fellows who are double crossing you/just messing things up because that's what they do best, colour coordinating your shirt and tie is the way to roll. However, here's some how-tos:

Don't make like the PI and match your tie to your shirt. At least not that close in colour.

Instead, make like Nate and get into the some colour family, but without geting all matchy.

Nate may have smoked too much for his developing mind, but he does eventually get what's going to happen and works with the plot.

For those ladies in the know, saving Bart isn't about being conservative: it's about colour and lots of it.

The bright green sheath is fantastic on our Bart-saving Madame. And the detailing is a nice touch. A bit of a departure from her usual just skin tight dress.

A yellow coat is also the way to go, especially when you pair it with a bright, autumnal print dress and some giant pearls. It says, "I'm schemey AND fun!". It'll look trop classy as you show some girls how to entrap a man with nothing but your feminine wiles.

More Peter Som...

Well, that and some slinky negligees.

And a pair of handcuffs.

Oh that B Waldorf! She really is all class.

For the ladies who play the part of prostitutes in schemes? Well, that calls for a completely different kind of outfit.

Not the best ever, but I do love those boots. For a poor girl from Florida, Lola must be learning to work with her newly acquired trust fund. Now if only she'd use it to buy more than jeans and a dozen or so new jackets and coats like her half-sister Serena. 

The pinch hitter for the role of fake twin doesn't much look like Lola, but she's looking pretty good with the white leather and sparkles. Looking like a million bucks that you don't have any more.

When trying to convince a man he's with twins and you don't really look like your fake twin at all, it's important to dress the same. That's how he knows you're twins.

And if you wear the same dress in different colours? Well, he'll think you really are identical and that he needs different dresses to tell you apart. Genius plan! What could possibly go wrong? Other than almost everything since the PI is a double agent.

Interestingly enough, for an episode where no one bothered to do much in the way of outfit changes, I really have to hand it to Chuck and Totally Not Dead Bart: they swapped up their suits just in time for eposing the PI to the police (who happen to be hiding in the next room).

For Bart, the outfit change must be the sensible suit. Nothing too flashy. Probably because he still has to hide from the evil blackmailer.

For Chuck, a job well done means a brighter shade of pocket square.

I love his constant use of the pocket square. I hope it's making the whole pocket square a think among young men these days. His dad must be so proud of his sense of style as well as his ability to jail break him from a restaurant. Proud enough to go for the super awkward hug.

But through it all, I must say I do miss Young, Flamboyant Chuck.

His patterns always put folks to shame. As did his wild antics. I know Totally Not Dead Bart frowned upon Li'l Chuck's antics, but Chuck was so much more fun back then.

Raiders of the Lost Art - Part 2 of 2 - Les Hommes

Chuck has a whole handful of issues--trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, Blair issues. . .

. . .but at least we can consistently count on him for not having any sartorial issues.



What a gorgeous paisley robe.  Blair, I hope you are taking notes.

And of course, when you show up to ask a lady a favor, you always look your best.  



Like this wonderful gray overcoat.

Or this gorgeous navy pinstriped three-piece suit. 



The pop of color in his lavender pocketsquare and the periwinkle tie is just perfect.  Nobody wears a suit like Chuck Bass does.

Can you really blame Dan for not trying, then?

At least he's wearing a color that isn't blue or gray.  Still sporting that ridiculous hair-mop though.



Minus 50 points for not tucking said shirt in.  Seriously Dan, you are not in high school anymore.

Unbelievably, Nate might be able to give his buddy Dan some pointers.



The slim-cut suit was really designed for a build like Nate's.  Chuck couldn't wear these because he's a bit stockier, but they are sex-on-a-stick for Nate.  Can you really fault Lola for turning her back on a lifetime of UES-hatred for a chance to get into those snug pants?  I don't think so.



I see, though, that Nate has returned to his favorite place -- Island Blue.  That's okay, I'm prepared to be rather indulgent because of how good he looks.

Uncle (Dad?) Jack would feel right at home on the Hairspray set.  He's sporting a serious control freak hairdo.



As if he didn't already look slimy enough.



That is one thing that Bart and Chuck always had in common:  they could wear the hell out of a suit.  Jack just looks sloppy and careless, as if it doesn't matter what's on his body.

As for Mr. Bass himself, he looks fairly good considering that he's spent the last few years in a coffin.

OH WAIT. . .



Still dapper as ever.  Love the blues and grays in his tie, and how his suit picks up the miniscule pinstripes in his shirt.  For sheer genius at complementary matching, Bart needs to be Chuck's dad, dead or alive.

Despicable B - Part 2 of 2 - The Used

It's odd to think of Serena as a victim, when, as Gossip Girl, she has more power than just about anyone. Or so the show would like you to believe. Frankly, she's gotten kind of hang-doggish and pathetic, lately.

There's no better way to cheer yourself up than by donning a truly spectacular scarf.



There are no words for how much I covet this.  In fact, Serena has seemingly left trashy chic behind for mere chic.  Losing Dan to Blair has only improved her sartorial success rate.

Her ombre coat is divine on her and forces the question:  "why doesn't Serena wear green more often?"  It really suits her.



And no stilettos or ridiculous platform boots!  Nevermind that Serena's macaron is, for once, appropriately covered in this awesome ensemble.

Of course, such progress was certain to be temporary.  Serena, forced into attending a happy Rhodes family dinner (an oxymoron, to be sure), she drags out the tightest dress she can find.



Her favorite accessories are being crushed and contained in this ridiculously tight bandage dress.



I'm not certain how she even sat in this.  From her expression, even Serena isn't sure.

But yet again, Serena unleashes the full force of an awesome scarf.



That blue leopard print is to die for.

As for her dear sister (half-sister, Serena reminds us), Lola is still lost.



It's a fact that Lola is a beautiful girl.  Why then does she hide it all away in that ugly brown smock and schlumpy blue sweater?  Would it kill her to wear something fitted and attractive?



The answer to that is, yes.  Because unfortunately the direction Lola's headed is distinctly bohemian, and we've already seen the train wreck that is bohemian fashion on this show.  Vanessa's costume jewelry closet, anyone?

The coat isn't a bad color, I guess, but with the olive green fringed bag and that odd navajo print hanging out of it, it just looks sad.  As a blond, doesn't she realize that the brown blouse is doing her no favors?

At the Rhodes dinner, we get confirmation from more than one source that Lola and Serena are related.

Carol and William confirm it, of course, but then Lola also breaks out the sequins.



It's the beginning of a good idea.  Still, even the old gold shade suits her better than the brown and persimmon of earlier, it's still just an ugly dress.  And after weeks of seeing gold party dresses on her, it's time to try another color.

Hey, remember when we though this girl was a Rhodes? Ivy, imposter extroardinaire, has really let herself go.



Good hair, decent makeup, but my god, was her robe the only coat she had left to her name?  Lily is ruthless, apparently.

Speaking of ruthless, it's taken him three seasons, but Rufus has finally realized he's a kept man.



Bless.  He tucks in his plaid shirts now!  That's overriding evidence that he's become a trophy husband.

The good (okay, more like better) news is that he's discovered the existence of barbers in Brooklyn!



This is a discovery he should share with his son, STAT.



Dan's hair is halfway to becoming a full-time regular on the show.  Also, Blair tried telling us that she picked out this outfit.  Do we look that gullible to you?

I didn't think so.



Pretty typical Dan Humphrey semi-formal attire, although it fit right in with the crowd at the literary party. He was wearing a variation of this back when he was with Serena.  Hopefully now there's at least a designer label inside that sport coat.

Designer labels are something as natural to Chuck Bass as Scotch or Asian hookers.  Sorry.  Asian flight attendants.



This windowpane plaid coat makes everything in the world better.  Chuck's pattern mixing, from the stripes in his shirt to the polkadots in his tie to the paisley in his pocketsquare, might single-handedly bring about world peace.

Worst victim of this episode, hands down, is Carol.

Not only is she exposed as that woman who slept with her sister's husband and got pregnant, but she totally wore this black dress to not only prove she was rolling in the dough now, but to entice William back to the fold.  Ew.  Gross.



She's definitely showing the goods that God gave her.



That necklace screams "I'm cheap, and need the police to cart me away now."

The sum value of her wardrobe in this scene is easily quadruple what it was for the entire rest of her appearance combined.  Whatever kind of person Carol is, she definitely knows how to go out with a bang.

Salon of The Dead - Part 2 of 2 - The Party Crashers

We only had one suit from Chuck this week, but it was fabulous as always. Only Chuck Bass could pull off stripes, polka dots and paisley. #winning.

Maybe he can teach Serena how to accessorize. I can't even begin to understand Serena's mesh and lace top (dress?), nor do I understand how she isn't unbalanced from the weight of those necklaces.

But, I am loving how effortlessly put-together her hair is. It's not the sad rat's nest it's sometimes become, and it's not overly polished, either. I'm buying the rich bohemian vibe she's got going on.

And the cream coat! The oversized collar! The bag! Serena's leaving her Paris pants and beaded lamp covers behind for sunnier pastures. Next step: covering her macaron.

Oh, and this coat? Love. Love the color, the very on-trend cape silhouette, and the toggle fastening. Another plus: it's longer than most of Serena's dresses.

Like everyone else, I absolutely adored this black beaded Temperley dress on Serena. The beads add interest and enough sparkle, and the low back is perfect for S. I mean, the dress is covering her van der Boobsens and her macaron - it's a miracle!

Close-up of the gorge detail on S' dress.

Diana: "Nate, do you remember that time you--"
Nate (smirk): "Yes, yes I do."
Diana: "--wore a something that was mildly interesting?"

Forgive me if I'm wrong (I have exams, and studying has taken up space in my brain typically reserved for GG trivia), but Nate hasn't worn stripes in...ever? I feel like the stripes and the pinstripe/stripe combo is groundbreaking for dear ol' Nate.

BTW, continuity error. One minute, he's wearing that yummy purple coat, the next second, it's hanging off his arm. Go back and watch. I'll wait.

I totally agree that Diana needs to walk away from the bandage dresses. But I will admit they do look fab on her. It must be the Spanx. And the color? Splendid.

But when you add giant shoulder pads to said bandage dresses? Run, don't walk away, D.

While Diana has commited sins against shoulders, Lola needs a color lesson. I absolutely despise the brown plaid - it looks like something Rufus would wear camping. And are those giant cuffs on her shirt, or giant bracelets?

Again. Lola. Pay attention. These colors are not your friend. Also, is anyone else eerily reminded of Little J (pre-racoon, of course) by this picture? She's got the same, eager look in her eyes. Or maybe it's just the blonde hair.

I will, however, award points for the beaded neckline. That's adorable.

Oh, now we're getting places! This J. Mendel dress was perfect on Lola - the cut, the fit, the color, and I especially love the mesh inset.

She may have bombed the audition before it began, but I give a hearty brava! for both the dress and this asymmetrical navy coat. Lola, I think you've found your signature color! Plus the bag is a great complement.

No, no! Go back to the indigo! Varying shades of brown does not a good outfit make. And that bag is fug.

Sigh. We've gone from bad to worse. This Philosophy knitted dress is feminine and pretty and all, but paired with her skintone and hair, it just washes her out.

Like much of her wardrobe, come to think of it.