The Princess Dowry - Part 2 of 2 - The Frenemies

I loved how the happy old couple "unhappy, friendless, young couple who stays inside blogging about other people's lives" decided to go all matchy-matchy and wear gray sweaters with big collars.

 It was almost as though they loved each other for a fraction of a second and Georgina wasn't in it for his money. But no, he really is rich and stupid and she knows it. 

Because look who's headed to Cece's Secret Wake looking better than anyone else (except for Lily).

 Party crashers are always the ones who look the best.

 I was halfway between smiling and crying when I saw this. I can't actually tell whether I like it or not. It's very original, and it somehow suits Georgina in a weird way...I guess if you're going to crash the party with evil gossip plans, you may as well dress like a fabulous Bond villian.

Awwwww this makes me so happy! And Lola just looks so good in his pjs...

This makes me too happy.

 Ahhh!! It's like a fall/winter lookbook!  Lola's coat is stunning, and she matches it perfectly in autumn colors with her high-helled boots, scarf, and leather gloves. Let's not forget her leather bag. As usual, Nate by himself would be boring, but paired with Lola? They are phenomena and pretty together!

I am a little confused with Blair's fashion choice here...

 Her shirt is... interesting, but it should be worn by someone much older. The top contrasted with fishnets is an odd choice and throwing a knee-length skirt over it did not solve a thing. Her effort in shoes and jewelry is appreciated though.

Also working the black lace for Cece's Secret wake...

 Charlie (I still call her that...) dyed her hair! I guess she figured that because she was no longer a VDW, blonde hair was not required. A reddish tone fits her nicely, but blonde was equally nice! Her dress is gorgeous from the waist up in the front and back, but something weird happens around the knee area where it goes out in an odd way. Other than that, 100% on this outift!

I wanted to love Chuck this episode, but I was disappointed.

 He was weak, and it seemed as though Dan knew Blair better - *gasp*. He does look dapper in his suit though, and I adore the pocket square. My only problem: stripes and polka dots? A little much, even for Chuck.

Since she's the royal guard for a principality that seems to exist only to be stylish, is not surprising that Estee looked quite good.

 Even though her coat and dress were a bit plain, her bag was a pop of texture.

Now that Blair is at Dan's feet, the plaid has disappears and he's going all Men in Black on us.

 This new Dan seems to be more spontaneous, drinks scotch, and keeps the poodle on his head tamed. Maybe he's taking example from Chuck, which is never a bad thing.

 

 Alright -- time to take a second to breathe. Between Chuck, Dan, and Dan's chest hair, I would pick Chuck. Maybe that's just me... The seemingly reformed Dan is going back to his crazy summer days, in which his chest hair was his main accessory. WHY DOES HE THINK THIS IS OK?

After Dan's Chest Hair: The Comeback, we have to endure seeing Blair kiss Dan. This saddened me greatly, especially because Blair's wedding ring is in full view the entire time.

Crazy, Cupid, Love Part 1 of 2: Love, Prenups, No Pants

I think Cupid is drunk. Maybe I'm suffering from Valentine's Day candy overload, but is anyone else having a hard time following the bizarre love triangles on the UES? 

Blair returns from her faux-honeymoon just in time to play matchmaker (and annoy her new royal social secretary, who evidently has a crush on the horrible Prince). Even though she obviously has feelings for Dan, Blair decides to set up Dan and Serena.  Sounds simple right? Nope. After Georgina gets involved, the evening ends with an angry Serena, a hurt Chuck, and Blair and Dan kissing at the world's most ridiculous party (it involves jello shots and plaid skirts).

Nate tries to pursue Lola by throwing a party and hiring her as a waiter. Here's a tip Nate: paying a girl to hang out with you isn't a promising start. The only exciting part of this plot is that Lola and Chivy run into each other and get reacquainted. Will the real Charlotte Rhodes please stand up? Chivster makes a quick getaway back to CeCe's house in the Hamptons, and Lola learns the truth about her doppelganger from Nate. 

I was really worried about Blair and her evil husband, so I am glad that she is back on U.S. soil. Apparently all of her clothing was confiscated by the Border Patrol or the Monegasque police. They stole her couture and left her with this bizarre sweater vest dress. It's just cruel. Blair is already sacrificing to save her family's financial future, why does she have to wear schizophrenic knitwear?

Let's take a closer look with better lighting.

This is even worse than I thought! The bias cut fabric is mauve. Even the adorable pintuck pleating at the collar can't save this situation. 

I would like to take a moment to discuss this "Royal Minder" Estee. Does anyone else think that she looks like Katie Holmes circa Dawson's Creek? J'adore her hunter green wool sheath dress and chic hair.

Why does she look so lovely while B is stuck wearing the remnants of a knitting machine explosion? Not fair Eric Damon. Not fair at all.

Look! Rufus is casually buying Cartier jewelry from his living room. Must be nice. I'll take a Tank Americaine and one of those Love Bracelets. He has really settled in as a wealthy house husband. The fab hair and deep aubergine cashmere zip collar sweater... Yum.  

My favorite part about this scene is not Rufus's laissez-faire attitude or delish wardrobe. I love that the jeweler asked Dan if he was interested in purchasing something. Dan's response was that he didn't have a Valentine for whom to buy jewelry. That's it? I wasn't aware that writing paid that well. Clearly I need to get the number for Dan's book agent. 

I hate that Chuck is so miserable and sad on a holiday celebrating love. I think that he needs to stop focusing on Blair and start thinking about Monkey, his tiny furry Valentine. Happiness is a warm puppy.

This isn't news, but misery looks good on Mr. Bass. He must have an off-sight storage closet filled with wool topcoats, because he is wearing another beautiful one. I love that he paired the classic camel hair coat with leather gloves and a beautiful shirt and tie. Bravo!

Oh Serena. I think that I have an idea why you are in Singlesville this February 14th. Have you ever heard that adage: "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" Perhaps the tight plaid sweater tunic and tights are not the best choice. While the ensemble doesn't look horrible from this angle, we're about to get real in a minute. Ready? 

Is Opening Ceremony doing a hooker collection? This tunic would work much better if paired with some skinny opaque black cigarette pants and fabulous flats. If Blair is serious about getting Serena and Dan back together, Blair should loan her something a little less revealing.

Or maybe Blair could just set an iPhone reminder for Serena. I think a daily alarm that says "Wear Pants" could be very effective.

Nate is trying to be "bold and charming" by asking Lola out for a V-Day date. I'd say that calling a girl on Valentine's Day morning and asking her out for a last minute date that evening isn't the most "charming" move.

I do appreciate the pale blue and white dress shirt with the straight point collar- all business. But what is with the skinny grey tie? Nate should have gone with a wider tie and a double windsor knot if he wanted to hit is out of the park.

Lola must have read He's Just Not That In To You, because she turned Nate down and hung up on him. I'm with you, girl. Last-minute invites are poor form.

Now let's dissect this outerwear catastrophe. Lola is wearing a double breasted grey wool VEST. Yes, you read that right. Who would mutilate a peacoat by cutting the arms off?

Nate should just date his assistant. She gets better dressed each week.I love this work appropriate floral shift. It is just stunning and really needs to make an appearance in my wardrobe.

Although I love Assistant's outfit, I dislike her taste in parties. Thanks to her tie in with Gossip Girl, she pitched Nate the worst party idea EVER. Her "Come As You Were" party does not seem like my idea of Valentine's Day fun. First of all, who still has their high school uniform laying around? Secondly, explain to me how a pretend high school party is great publicity for The Spectator. The only redeeming factors are that jello shots and spin the bottle are involved.

I love Georgina, but I adore her when she is scheming and pretending to be Gossip Girl.

The hair. The neckline. The chunky gold necklace. Perfection.

Just when I was starting to think that life with Rufus and Lily was getting stale, Charlie showed back up. She always looks so upset and stressed. Girlfriend needs a yoga class. I don't understand what exactly she is doing there or why she wants to talk to Lily, but regardless, her interaction with Rufus yielded my favorite line of the episode- " love and prenups are complicated." True that.

It ain't easy being green. Charlie exemplifies that with an ill fitting wool peacoat mixed with a beautiful bright patterned green scarf.

The fit problems continue once the coat comes off to expose this shiny cream tunic.

Not a good look, unless the goal is to look like a sack of potatoes.

In a twist of fate (Blair's doing), Serena and Dan both ended up in the same romantic restaurant at lunch time. Their eyes met across the room and Dan made the move over to Serena's table (she was still wearing the plaid tunic, so my guess is that he thought he might score a noon time quicky). Blair really laid it on thick by sending over champagne and dessert and planting fake high school sweethearts at the neighboring table.

Sadly, the spark just isn't there. Perhaps Serena needs to cover up her business and Dan needs to release his flowing chest hair? That might alter the balance of power and positively affect the relationship (Yes, I have been watching Dr. Phil).

I adore this photo. Seriously, it just makes me laugh hysterically. My favorite part is that Blair is using opera glasses to spy. 

I really love Chuck. I know that I routinely declare my affection for him but I can't help it. He is one of the best dressed men that I have ever seen.

 

This charcoal suit is perfection when paired with the fuschia and white shirt, blue patterned tie, and magenta pocket square. I heart you Chuck Bass.

Speaking of sexy... Blair is back! I am captivated by the pumpkin colored silk Natori chemise and wrap. Blair's makeup and hair are beautiful. She really looks amazing and dewy.

See that gold thing in her hand? I think it is some kind of magical Princess dust or special Creme De La Mer product that commoners can't purchase.

Riding in Town Cars with Boys: Part 1 of 3 - The Bedazzled

Episode Synopsis: Everyone on the UES is searching for happiness this week. Dan is searching for meaning in his young life as he struggles to write an afterword to his recently published book. The choice comes down to making Blair happy or telling her how she can make him happy. Blair's happiness rests on the choice between the bland (but princely) father of her child and the far more sexytimes and exciting Chuck. Like Dan, Chuck's happiness rests on whether he can make Blair happy. Serena navel gazes over old Gossip Girl blasts and suddenly decides her happiness is in Dan. Nate's on the road to Kennedy Jr-style happiness if he's willing to follow Grandfather Vanderbilt. And Chivy? Well, she needs to decide who she really is before she gets to be happy. Max will be happy if someone just writes him a really fat cheque.

 

If being happy means being bedecked in bedazzled finery, then the ladies of the Rhodes Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey household are very happy indeed.

At least that's what they'd have you believe. Because you've got to wonder about a woman who dresses up that much for a family brunch and drinks before her first coffee. Having said that, Lily, as always, looks impeccable. She's pretty much everything I want to be when I grow up: classy, wealthy, well dressed, well coiffed and married five times.

The only one at the table who can really rival Lily's sparkle is Serena.

Who needs a comb when you've got that much glitter and a glass of champagne? Not this girl. Hell, who needs family-appropriate clothing? You know, the kind that don't show off your new bra to all and sundry.

Not this girl. It's probably why Dan day drinks. Seeing a (step-) sister's bra at breakfast probably gives him flashbacks to when Jenny was living at home and pouting about being fabulously wealthy.

Less sparkly, but keeping the sparkle in Lily's eyes is Househusband Rufus and his waffles.

That's pretty much why he exists these days. To wear expensive knits and occasionally give the hired cooks a day off so he can make waffles in his diamond encrusted gold waffle maker (a wedding present from a fancy friend, I'm sure).

Then again, why bother doing anything else when you've got a wife like this who throws lavish parties because it's a Tuesday? Who clearly has her hair done professionally first thing in the day, because there's no one who can make their hair into an effing bow on their own?

Not Rufus. He's just going to keep on keeping on in those sweaters and occasionally dish out advice to Dan and then cockblock him by mentioning he gave out said advice to Serena. Good work Rufus. Good work. You should never trust a girl who dresses like this for brunch.

Is she even wearing pants? Is she forgoing all modesty for patterened, lacy tights?

Let's see what happens when she stands up:

OH NO SHE DIDN'T.

OH YES. SHE DID. LEATHER EFFING SHORTS.

Will wonders never cease. On the one hand, I'm thankful she's covering up all her girly bits. On the other hand, I'm completely thrown off by her decision to wear leather shorts with a sheer glitter blouse and suede booties. Honestly, I can't even wrap my head around it. Quick, fetch my smelling salts.

Or let's look at something else instead.

Okay, so I don't hate it. And it's refreshing to see someone of the Rhodes family not in full glitter to go to work. Or to see someone in the Rhodes family at least pretending to work. But there's something mildly, dare I say, Vanessa-ish happening? No, I know she isn't wearing five different patterns. But the necklaces. Add three more and five bangles and she's in Vanessaland. Overaccessorizing is a dangerous game my friends. There's a fine line between awesome and "why did you put on everything you own?" and, like Vanessa, Chivy isn't a natural Upper East Sider. She's bound to slip up one of these days. That is, if the writers don't send her to the Island of Misfit Minor Characters over the holidays.

She does clean up well though.

The coat isn't quite right, but it's sexy without giving it all away and it's well accessorized.

Remember when they took her to a gala and she got all single white female on Serena? Yeah....good times. She's come a long way. At least she's a bit more subtle with that plan. Anyone else creeped out when she says, "they're MY FAMILY now" to Max?

She's probably easing off some of the SWF vibes because she's started to figure out that dressing like Serena "my presence is my present" Van der Woodsen isn't for amateurs.

She has literally wrapped her boobs up like a Christmas present.

Sometimes I wonder what Lily must think of it all. I guess she hopes it's a phase and that Serena will learn to be a classy UES lady like herself.

Amanda was right. The gold sheath is pretty much perfect. Although, maybe she's overdoing it with the chunky jewelry these days. It looks like it's choking her.

Or maybe that's the face she made when she realized Serena paired a banana yellow clutch (that looks something like the waterproof camera cases one might take canoeing) with her purple and sparkle present dress.

I wonder how often Rufus needs to talk Lily down off the ledge of "You're not wearing that are you? No daughter of mine goes out with her boobs on display for every man, woman and child" tantrums. If Serena didn't live with Blair, it'd probably be a daily thing.

Rhodes to Perdition - Part 1 of 2 - Let's Talk It Out

Episode Synposis: ChIvy gets blackmailed (and gets a nickname...you'll see), Grandpa Vanderbilt meddles, Grandma CeCe passes out, Serena dresses like a James Bond villain, and Chuck does for green socks what Carrie Bradshaw and the Girls did for cosmos.

We open with Blair writing - or attempting to write - Thank You cards. Shockingly, gratitude isn’t one of Mees Blair’s best suits. “Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl that makes margaritas?”

No Blair, you do not. What you do look like is someone who's slowly being strangled. All that volumnous fabric (plus a turtleneck, plus an oppressive fiance) will do that to you.

We cut to Blair and Chuck in therapy, where Chuck is wearing the greatest socks ever crafted by the hands of man. What does the color green represent? Life. Rebirth. Growth. OK, this isn’t a Terrence Malick movie, but for a guy who always dresses so dark, those Kermit colored socks show he’s coming back to life from a broken heart.

Blair’s aforementioned turtleneck dress goes against my basic “Dress for your figure” philosophy. She isn't showing yet, so girlfriend needs to ditch the Barnum & Bailey approved circus tent and flaunt that UES approved bod. I will say that the vertical black lines of her stockings work perfect for her stems. All the best fashion in this scene is from the knee down. How many times has that happened in an episode of Gossip Girl?

Back in her bed, hugging a pillow that is literally half her size, Blair is sulking; unsure of who she loves and who loves her back.

I know what I love (besides Dorota) - Blair's lacy nightgown. Does this girl have an endless supply of fabulous nighttime attire?

If Chuck and Nate had a "suit-off" who would you vote for?

They are both pretty standard looking to me. Maybe if Chuck wore a suit the color of his green socks...

Hmmm. Nevermind.

Anyway, Nate. Nate has started wearing boring suits...did you notice? He's either playing boss, or it's "Bring you Grandson to Work Day".

I guess they're the same thing, come to think of it.

Hello, cute co-worker! She's not glamorous enough to be worked into the storyline, so instead let's admire her apple green notebook, pop of purple, and blingy chains while we can. Congratulations on the scene, Gossip Girl extra. Now go frame that SAG card!

Grandpa vdB pops in to chat about cousin Tripp's latest scandal (yeah, we're still spelling it with 2 Ps...we're old school like that), and to show Nate how to wear a suit.

Meanwhile, in the land of arrowhead-shaped-hairlines (say that three times fast), Dan and his agent Allesandra are thinking of ways to drum up publicity for his book.

Allesandra looks appropriate enough in her agent-woman suit, but did Dan get those jeans from a Brett Favre Wrangler commercial? They are so very blue. I'm fully expecting him to go load a pickup truck with something dirty, and then readjust his baseball cap while looking out onto the horizon and feeling pride for an honest day's work and an honest day's wage.

But no, he's just going to sit around and Tweet about himself. See, this is why America is in trouble. It's people like you, Dan Humphrey. YOU!

Rhodes to Perdition - Part 2 of 2 - Disco Fever!

While Dan is off not loading bales of hay, Max straight-up blackmails ChIvy, asking for half a million dollars in hopes of having a blazer for every day of the year.

ChIvy of course calls Carol, who just got back from arts-and-crafts time at the Y. Today's project: glue four different necklaces into one!

Let's check in on the rest of the Rhodes clan. Serena's in bed "working" on her "blog" and, as you do, hangs out in layers of bling, fabric, and cleavage.

I guess she didn't get the "on Fridays we wear purple" memo, but Lily and Cece did. They're class all the way with fabulous textures and perfect details, like Cece's scarf.

Oh, maybe the memo said "On Fridays we wear purple or maroon" because here's ChIvy in an autumnal sweater that compliments cousin Serena's blogging dress. I don't hate it, but...meh. It feels too "IT'S FALL AND HERE ARE FALL COLORS" to me.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the biggest gossip girl of all?

Again with the red! There is a ton of it in this episode, and CeCe's classic chunk-of-rock earings keep that trend going. Also, please note purple nailpolish to go with the purple dress we just saw. Oh, to be a Rhodes girl!

The blast from the past is alive and well. Does Lily ever look flawed? And as for Rufus, lovin' the gold chain, man. Groovy.

Gah! Is Carol's dress for a four shouldered woman, or do her elbows need to support the dress also? However, I do love her matching bracelets. Very simple, yet effective. Also a wee bit Wonder Woman, except we know she'd crumble under a lasso of truth.

You know who doesn't crumble? ChIvy. She's cool under pressure, no matter how hot it gets. Dare I say, she's Icy Hot. We'll save Serena's outfit for later, but thoughts on Icy Hot's off-shoulder dress? She has the apparent mandatory gold, which I'm groovin to, but the skin-toned outfit itself can be considered a hit or miss.

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's King Midas's gold mistress! It's the alternate Bond villian from "Goldfinger!" It's... yeah the comments are endless here but really, only Serena can pull off an outfit like this. As for her hair, it's a fan-interactive segement this week on YKYLF, so insert your own electrical socket joke here.

The award of the night? It must go to CeCe and her effortlessly cool metallic jumpsuit. May I look half as good when I'm 70-ish (except, you know, more like a dude and less like a woman).

Eventually, the shiz goes down... as Max tries to expose ChIvy for who she really is. With that top he looks less like a scheming blackmailer and more like he's going to teach English 101 at the local SUNY college.

But Icy Hot doesn't care about the money - she has a family now, which is worth much more to her.

"I'm a Rhodes now," she says, which means that bitch is basically untouchable (and bitch is the new black. Or purple. Or maroon?)