Valley Girls - Part 1 of 2 - Blast from the Past

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme - Chuck Bass' claims not to be into your girlfriend aren't worth a dime. Dan springs Serena from the pokey and escorts her to prom, a magical night engineered by fairy godfather Chuck to be everything Queen B's ever dreamed of (remind me why she's with Nate again?) While the kids are grooving down, making out and getting it on, Lily takes a trip down memory lane and a spin down the highway to California and her teenage self.

Cue young Lily, a prep without compare. An ensemble of pink shirt, argyle sweater vest and belted pink slacks are more middle aged spread than the young and restless, but her tweed blazer is just adorable enough to pull the whole look together.

Real world Lily is still in her warrior jewellery and dressed as a mocha frappuccino in far too many shades of brown. No wonder Blair is judging her.

Good thing Cece's on hand to keep up the fabulous quota. I love the different shades of ivory and beige, and the raggedyness of her lapels is gorgeous with a tailored blouse and sleek hair.

Back down Memory Lane, we meet not only young Cece - a fierce fox who takes her gin without tonic and who makes Dynasty look cheap - but also Rick Rhodes, AKA Blane McDonough.

If you don't get the Pretty in Pink reference, that's on you. I'm not old enough to have watched the Brat Pack films either, but they are too good to miss.

When Rick rejects Lily's love and we begin to understand why she married daddy issues machine Bart Bass, our heroine goes in search of her sister Carol...instead, she finds Owen, a rockabilly bad boy stereotype. 

I thought he might be young Rufus. That plaid shirt and leather jacket threw me for a while.

But Rufus doesn't have it in him to be a bad boy. His failed proposal suit is still nice and crisp, but his heart is not.

And while Lily's no bad seed herself, she still thinks breakfast is an adequate apology for having her daughter arrested. She does 'angelic' well in a soft grey t-shirt and white cardigan...and then reminds us she's a force to be reckoned with by adding some serious sparkle.

Cece is a salmon coloured sweatsuit, so she's still fresh after kicking your ass. Like mother, like daughter: blingy earrings and a brooch work surprisingly well with workout gear.

Young Lily is still hunting Carol and needs to blend in with the natives. Gratuitous eighties montage time!

Much better. There's some of the Lily we know and love in there with the overload of pearls, a sharp leather jacket a la Serena and a dress that defies description. I like it, now I hate it, now I like it again.

I actually do hate what Carol's wearing - not the miniature sitars hanging from her ears so much as red leather, red lipstick and a surfeit of crosses. Who is she, Hellboy?

Carol's gunning for the guy who stole her music video and slept with her - now I see where Serena gets it from. His name is Keith van der Woodsen, so I guess he's young Billy Baldwin's brother? So that means Serena's maternal aunt hooked up with her paternal uncle and...let's just focus on his nasty turned up collar and dislike of colour and detail.

Since Lily gets her lovin' from Rufus nowadays, she also turns to him for advice about Serena. The funny thing is, I almost like this plaid shirt. The red in the pattern is a bold choice for Rufus.

Rufus and Lily smoke pot together in the next episode, but let's focus on earlier infractions. Carol posts bail in a slightly more acceptable outfit, even for 1983. Her striped shirt and denim jacket combo is tres Parisienne, as are the headwrap and chandelier earrings.

Olivia Newton Mom does not approve. Way to get physical, Cece.

But in the real world, I approve. This sequinned pashmina is so covetable - if a little too much when worn with heavy jewellery.

I must also point out that Cece's perfect waves would shame her grandaughter's ratty locks.

Rhodes to Perdition - Part 1 of 2 - Let's Talk It Out

Episode Synposis: ChIvy gets blackmailed (and gets a nickname...you'll see), Grandpa Vanderbilt meddles, Grandma CeCe passes out, Serena dresses like a James Bond villain, and Chuck does for green socks what Carrie Bradshaw and the Girls did for cosmos.

We open with Blair writing - or attempting to write - Thank You cards. Shockingly, gratitude isn’t one of Mees Blair’s best suits. “Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl that makes margaritas?”

No Blair, you do not. What you do look like is someone who's slowly being strangled. All that volumnous fabric (plus a turtleneck, plus an oppressive fiance) will do that to you.

We cut to Blair and Chuck in therapy, where Chuck is wearing the greatest socks ever crafted by the hands of man. What does the color green represent? Life. Rebirth. Growth. OK, this isn’t a Terrence Malick movie, but for a guy who always dresses so dark, those Kermit colored socks show he’s coming back to life from a broken heart.

Blair’s aforementioned turtleneck dress goes against my basic “Dress for your figure” philosophy. She isn't showing yet, so girlfriend needs to ditch the Barnum & Bailey approved circus tent and flaunt that UES approved bod. I will say that the vertical black lines of her stockings work perfect for her stems. All the best fashion in this scene is from the knee down. How many times has that happened in an episode of Gossip Girl?

Back in her bed, hugging a pillow that is literally half her size, Blair is sulking; unsure of who she loves and who loves her back.

I know what I love (besides Dorota) - Blair's lacy nightgown. Does this girl have an endless supply of fabulous nighttime attire?

If Chuck and Nate had a "suit-off" who would you vote for?

They are both pretty standard looking to me. Maybe if Chuck wore a suit the color of his green socks...

Hmmm. Nevermind.

Anyway, Nate. Nate has started wearing boring suits...did you notice? He's either playing boss, or it's "Bring you Grandson to Work Day".

I guess they're the same thing, come to think of it.

Hello, cute co-worker! She's not glamorous enough to be worked into the storyline, so instead let's admire her apple green notebook, pop of purple, and blingy chains while we can. Congratulations on the scene, Gossip Girl extra. Now go frame that SAG card!

Grandpa vdB pops in to chat about cousin Tripp's latest scandal (yeah, we're still spelling it with 2 Ps...we're old school like that), and to show Nate how to wear a suit.

Meanwhile, in the land of arrowhead-shaped-hairlines (say that three times fast), Dan and his agent Allesandra are thinking of ways to drum up publicity for his book.

Allesandra looks appropriate enough in her agent-woman suit, but did Dan get those jeans from a Brett Favre Wrangler commercial? They are so very blue. I'm fully expecting him to go load a pickup truck with something dirty, and then readjust his baseball cap while looking out onto the horizon and feeling pride for an honest day's work and an honest day's wage.

But no, he's just going to sit around and Tweet about himself. See, this is why America is in trouble. It's people like you, Dan Humphrey. YOU!

Rhodes to Perdition - Part 2 of 2 - Disco Fever!

While Dan is off not loading bales of hay, Max straight-up blackmails ChIvy, asking for half a million dollars in hopes of having a blazer for every day of the year.

ChIvy of course calls Carol, who just got back from arts-and-crafts time at the Y. Today's project: glue four different necklaces into one!

Let's check in on the rest of the Rhodes clan. Serena's in bed "working" on her "blog" and, as you do, hangs out in layers of bling, fabric, and cleavage.

I guess she didn't get the "on Fridays we wear purple" memo, but Lily and Cece did. They're class all the way with fabulous textures and perfect details, like Cece's scarf.

Oh, maybe the memo said "On Fridays we wear purple or maroon" because here's ChIvy in an autumnal sweater that compliments cousin Serena's blogging dress. I don't hate it, but...meh. It feels too "IT'S FALL AND HERE ARE FALL COLORS" to me.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the biggest gossip girl of all?

Again with the red! There is a ton of it in this episode, and CeCe's classic chunk-of-rock earings keep that trend going. Also, please note purple nailpolish to go with the purple dress we just saw. Oh, to be a Rhodes girl!

The blast from the past is alive and well. Does Lily ever look flawed? And as for Rufus, lovin' the gold chain, man. Groovy.

Gah! Is Carol's dress for a four shouldered woman, or do her elbows need to support the dress also? However, I do love her matching bracelets. Very simple, yet effective. Also a wee bit Wonder Woman, except we know she'd crumble under a lasso of truth.

You know who doesn't crumble? ChIvy. She's cool under pressure, no matter how hot it gets. Dare I say, she's Icy Hot. We'll save Serena's outfit for later, but thoughts on Icy Hot's off-shoulder dress? She has the apparent mandatory gold, which I'm groovin to, but the skin-toned outfit itself can be considered a hit or miss.

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's King Midas's gold mistress! It's the alternate Bond villian from "Goldfinger!" It's... yeah the comments are endless here but really, only Serena can pull off an outfit like this. As for her hair, it's a fan-interactive segement this week on YKYLF, so insert your own electrical socket joke here.

The award of the night? It must go to CeCe and her effortlessly cool metallic jumpsuit. May I look half as good when I'm 70-ish (except, you know, more like a dude and less like a woman).

Eventually, the shiz goes down... as Max tries to expose ChIvy for who she really is. With that top he looks less like a scheming blackmailer and more like he's going to teach English 101 at the local SUNY college.

But Icy Hot doesn't care about the money - she has a family now, which is worth much more to her.

"I'm a Rhodes now," she says, which means that bitch is basically untouchable (and bitch is the new black. Or purple. Or maroon?)

O Brother, Where Bart Thou? - Part 1 of 2 - Frustrations & a Funeral

Episode Synopsis:  Bart Bass has died, leaving us glad we no longer have to recap his boring business suits. Lily is relieved she can end her most recent marriage with a funeral rather than a court appearance, and Chuck is devastated that he and his father never could see eye to eye. Serena still can't decide between Dan and Aaron the Artist, even though the former considers coffee in Williamsburg a date, and the latter wants to whisk her away to Buenos Aires. The funeral leads to a Chuck Bass Bender and the Chuck Bass Bender leads to a Blair confession that surprises no one, but still remains one of the most heartfelt moments in the series.

Lily, like all good UES trophy wives, has had her share of divorces. Widow territory, however, is totally out of her element. As evidence, we find her focusing on the food for the wake, rather than the fact that her husband is dead.



Dealing with Bart's death still hasn't dimmed our Lily's fabulosity though.  Love the layered gray and mauve jackets, paired with a string of chunky olive glass beads and smooth blond waves.

And who is it comforting Lily during her time of need?



No judgement, but not sure how Lily can trade those business suits for a man who wears kitchen towels as scarves.  Rufus certainly does stick to his fashion guns--if we can even call this fashion.  That coat saw better days as a burlap sack for potatoes.

Aaron asks Serena to go to Buenos Aires for Christmas with him.  All in all, a pretty spectacular gesture he hopes will distract her from Lonely Boy once and for all.



Frankly, he would be better off not dressing so depressing, even though it's a funeral.  Becuase even though Aaron's father is a successful entertainment lawyer who even knows Cyndi Lauper (Inconceivable!) he's clearly not into the whole UES scene.  Which means he doesn't realize that there's no funeral like an UES funeral.

Serena, with all that blue blood flowing through her veins, understands what the occasion demands.  Black, naturally, but not just any LBD--Serena chooses a tight one shouldered affair paired with several strands of natural stones.

The double-breasted trench with military collar she wears to the funeral is really classy, so of course she discards it as quickly as possible.

Dan's been dating--and not dating--Serena long enough to be familiar with what's expected, even at a funeral.  Here he pairs a simple white shirt and gray tie with a gorgeous gray heather wool coat and black leather gloves.

Sister Jenny pairs a dull gray frock with this awesome black boucle jacket and killer leather gloves.  The safety pin purse might be pushing it, but she still looks fierce.

The fiercest funeral participant has to be Blair, though, in her classy black shift with navy blue touches.

Nobody wears pearls (or a pout) quite like the Queen B.

The only sour note is this ill-fitted blue jacket with the sloppy bow neckline.  

I've also got to give snaps to Eleanor for wisely staying away from anything black or shiny.



This dark navy velvet blazer is gorgeous, especially with the orchid silk blouse.  And like her daugher, she understands that pearls and funerals are the perfect pairing.

Cyrus, like his son Aaron, just doesn't get the fashionishta parade that is a UES funeral.



Too dark, Cyrus.  We need a touch of color, even gray, somewhere.

If not a color, then something fun and sparkly, like Grandma Cece.



Her suit is stunning--I love the sparkly lapels and the tie emphasizing her tiny waist.  She, like Blair and Eleanor, know just went to break out the pearls, this time with a sparkly diamond clasp.

Poor Chuck and Lily.  They seem to be the only two characters here actually broken up by the death.



Chuck would normally be rocking this wide pinstriped ssuit with black tie, and accent purple pocket squre, but the disheveled and distraught Chuck clearly couldn't get beyond picking out the appropriate items of clothing.  He looks ilke he hasn't seen an iron or a shower in a few days too many.

Lily doesn't even bother picking out something fabulous.  She phones it in, donning a plain black shift with the most miniscule trim hiding along the collar.  

The coat she dons on top of the dress isn't any better.



It's just too simple, and let's face it, her wonderful waves gone a little too limp to qualify.  

O Brother, Where Bart Thou? - Part 2 of 2 - Revelations & Rings

With Bart's death, there's naturally a run on the closely guarded information he'd collected about his family.  Lily wants everything he learned to stay secret, while her mother seems eager for her "big secret" to become public knowledge.

Maybe it's Lily's frustration that leads to this pathetic attempt at post-funeral chic.



The cranberry red is lovely, as is her hair, but the cut is just sloppy and unflattering.

Unlike the object of his affection, Rufus actually looks pretty good in his sweater.



Rufus should dress like this all the time--the turtleneck sweater is well-fitted and classic, but the jeans add just the right edgy rock n' roll touch.

Cece, always the fashion maven even at her age, looks so chic in this oatmeal embellished jacket.  Doesn't Lily know this isn't what you wear to buy secret information about your daughter's past?

 

Chuck, buyer of aforementioned secret information, looks like he not only had time to finalize the deal but also to shower and brush his hair.



The plaid pattern of this suit is awesome, and is a definite return to Chuck Bass form.

Serena continues to be the single most indecisive characters on television by having breakfast with Dan while still contemplating going to Buenos Aires with Aaron.



She also continues to look killer while vacillating.  The black wool military jacket paired with gray scarf is really flattering--and those gray and black colorblocked gloves are drool-worthy.

Maybe Dan isn't her final choice because he doesn't put in the proper effort into this brunch attire.  I can't tell if that's a plaid scarf or a shirt but in the end it doesn't matter becasue it's still plaid.

As for Aaron, well . . .he gets the girl. But really only by default because it can't be this wedding suit that wins the game for him.



Hasn't anyone ever told him that if he isn't going to wear a tie, wearing his shirt buttoned up to his Adam's apple makes him look like an extra on Fiddler on the Roof?

Especially when Serena looks so gorgeous in her cream-colored ensemble.



Her khaki trench is just flawless, and the cream dress beneath it is even more stunning.



Love the red accent beads, just delicate enough not to overwhelm the outfit, and the sequinned hem adds just the right celebratory touch.

Even Dorota gets into the wedding spirit, wearing this beautiful bejeweled headband and a flattering gold dress with embellished neckline.



I'd be willing to bet that Blair lent her that headband.

Blair herself doesn't don a headband, but she more than makes up for it with her dress.



The pleated fan touch is definitely beautiful and even though it adds a little bulk to the Queen B's frame, the cream and gold of the silk sets off her complexion flawlessly.

As for the blissful couple themselves, they definitely do not disappoint.



See Aaron?  A tie is undoubtedly called for here.  So many shades of white and cream could be difficult to coordinate but Cyrus (or Eleanor by extension), really does an excellent job of pairing them.

And Eleanor herself. . .so classy and beautiful and not a shiny fabric in sight.



 This jacket is a really beautiful piece.  I don't buy for a minute that Jenny made it.