The Ex Files - Part 3 of 3 - The Backup Plan

Back from honeymoon without Bart Basstard, Lily seems content to be elegant and lonesome in this wonderful negligee/peignoir set in smoky blue with black lace accents. Even her two-tone reading glasses match, though only a lady as classy as Lily could pull off diamonds at breakfast.

Is that a glow or what?

Her signature chignon in place, Lily decides to pursue her former Humphrey flame in this flowing summery top and long blue and gold necklace. The blue is a bit vibrant next to the muted shades of the top and I wouldn’t have gone as far as matching earrings, but Lily pulls it off.

Let’s face it, Kelly Rutherford could pull off a burlap sack.

Rufus has clearly dressed up for the occasion – first Nate wearing a colour other than blue, and now Papa Humphrey out of his beloved plaid! This faded denim shirt is nothing special, but it’s a big step in the right direction as far as Rufus’ sartorial taste goes.

He amazes me even further by wearing an olive coloured military jacket with some cool epaulettes later on in the show. What has come over you, Rufus, and how long can it last?

Even Lily’s surprised!

She’s reverted to Stepford wife form with this black top, combining all the things I love: frills, block colour and a pattern overlay. Back are the classic diamond studs, but there’s a little boho twist courtesy of that hexagonal bangle.

The UES's other sugar mama turns up at the gallery to harass Vanessa and instead ends up turning on half the audience in this stunning green bandage dress. Sure, her hair’s a little over-styled, but if I were Madchen Amick, I would wear this dress everyday for the rest of my life! Shock and awe out of the way, Catherine adds a square green bangle and glossy brown clutch.

Bravo, Duchess.

Vanessa knows that Lady C has been doing the nasty with her stepson Lord Marcus (ewww!) who will unfailingly wear blue, beige or grey. And...grey and blue, what are the odds? A light check on that shirt isn’t enough to save you from obscurity, Your Lordliness.

Surprisingly enough, Vanessa holds her own this episode. Her graduated gold necklace actually toes the line between pretty and gauche and, while she can’t deny her need for a chunky gold bangle and hoop earrings, they’re ten times more subtle than her usual bag lady look. That purple top does wonderful things for her skin tone, and I actually like its draped neckline and bizarre woven shoulderpads.

...and then all my approval evaporates.

V over-tousles her mane, adds heavy hoop earrings and a thick gold gangster chain (invalidating the appeal of that other interesting looking silver necklace) and – horror of horrors – tries to liven up a sludgy, splashy grey/purple vest top by flashing her sky blue bra straps. Her handbag even matches the aforementioned revolting vest.

Having screwed over everyone, Vanessa takes a leaf from Blair’s book and goes completely to seed. She turns bright orange, overloads on the purple and bright blue eye shadow and attaches dream catchers to her earlobes in the hope of better luck next time.

In the remains of this Brooklyn tragedy, little Jenny Humphrey is a breath of fresh air.

Those suspender things she wears attached to her plaid skirt always fit awkwardly, but Jenny counters this with a frilly placket running down the front of her tee. Her makeup is barely there, and little touches of rebellion come from her cyanotic nails and orange bangle.

Let this be a lesson to us all: have a light hand with the foundation brush, don’t try to bargain with the British (you remember the last time you Yanks tried that with my people?) and do NOT involve Vanessa in your love life – or you’re likely to end up Nairtini’ed, heartbroken or, in Nate’s case, out of work.

This is the last we see of the Brits, however, so bye bye Catherine and Marcus. Considering the state of the Royal Family, let’s hope England looks upon your incest kindly.

The Dark Night - Part 1 of 3 - The Schemers

Episode Synopsis:  This is one of the few Gossip Girl episodes driven by plot and not by Serena's two favorite accessories - ridiculous characterization and a dramatic event designed to shock viewers.  Like most of the plot-driven episodes, this one heavily features Blair and her amazing ability to concoct a scheme and manipulate everyone around her.  In this case, it's not even hard, since between Nate and Vanessa, there's maybe 3/4 of a brain. Worn-to-the-bone Intern Jenny whines and complains at how bad the dresses Eleanor designs are - not exactly a ground-breaking revelation.  Chuck, still mourning for Blair's all-too-available heart, seeks comfort from an entourage of international call girls, but discovers a broken heart isn't only an emotional malady but a physical one too.  And last but not least, Serena tosses her blond mane and tries to pretend that Dan doesn't know better than to date her again.  Oh wait. . .

Blair Waldorf is the Queen--not just of Constance and the Upper East Side, but of plotting like the devil while looking like an angel.


This crisp summery ensemble is cool, literally and figuratively.  The light blue and taupe gauzy wrap skirt paired with the eggshell blouse would be even more angelic without the fussy and silly bow detail in front.  The key, Queen B, is to keep it simple and leave the bow ties for Lord Marcus.



Of course I didn't mean headbands--this simple taupe style brings out the detailing in her skirt and pairs so well with Blair's simple low ponytail.  Even she doesn't have time to mess with her hair in the summer.

For her party benefiting . . .do we ever find out who the Party of the Week is even for?  What the heck, it doesn't matter.  It's merely a cobbled together excuse for a bunch of rich people to ogle each other and their thousands of dollars of merchandise.  And for Blair, it's an opportunity to show off her newest prize, Lord Marcus, and to wear a gorgeous goddess gown that makes every Constance minion want to rip her hair out.

Of course not just anyone could wear a mustard colored dress and get away with it.  Blair Waldorf is one of the lucky few who owns the shade most likely to be a condiment.

Naturally it would be incredibly preesumptious of Blair to wear a tiara to the party, and even she hesitates at proposing to herself, so instead she dons an incredibe beaded headwrap.  The paisley pattern relies on blue and white more than on gold, but it picks up just enough coordinating color from her dress and also offers an outstanding contrast to her dark curls.  Definitely one of the Queen B's more transcendant wardrobe changes.

Her ex, the ever-persistent Chuck, could not agree more.

Unfortunately, he seems to lack a certain . . .je ne sais quoi when it comes to his own fashion chioces this episode.  In fact, you could even make the argument that he'd benefit more from sartorial drano than that of the sexual variety, but this is Chuck Bass, and as such, it's perfectly acceptable, normal even, for him to spend nearly an entire episode lounging in a navy blue brocade smoking jacket, complete with crimson pocket square.

Even the arrival of such diplomatic emissaries such as this doesn't provoke Mr. Bass to abandon his clothing of comfort.



What a beautifully-fitting suit.  The blue polka dot scarf tie is a bit much, but then that might give Madame Butterfly and Chuck something to discuss other than his faulty equipment.

Finally, Chuck realizes his malaise has nothing to do with who's getting up on him and more with who isn't, and goes to Blair's party with the goal in mind of winning her over.  Temporarily.

There must be too much blood in Chuck Bass' brain because under no circumstances would Blair ever be swayed by a suit jacket he chopped the sleeves off of.  It's summer and hot--and while I applaud the commitment to purple and sophisticated details like the ascot and pocket square, it just becomes too much. He should take a load off and take some clothes off.



Also, his hair is awful.

Blair seems to have the most trouble reaching a reasonable middle ground.  Marcus, her current "lover," is as boring as Chuck is flamboyant.



Dark blue suit.  Olive green tie with muted pattern.  He looks like he just left his office for a quick lunch. Marcus better find some style (and personality) stat or else the Queen B is going to get (even more) bored.

Marcus' step-mother, the Duchess Beaton, acts and dresses like the quintessential cougar.



She also seems to have an alarming proclivity for plunging necklines and tight form-fitting skirts.  Between Catherine and Eleanor, the market for shiny seems to be pretty much cornered.

This blush colored blouse isn't so awful, if you ignore the highly reflective sheen.



I even like the delicate gold necklace, but the rest looks overdone and overthought, as if she spent hours in front of a mirror, attempting to decide what Nate would like best.

The erroneous thinking here is assuming that Nate Archibad thinks at all.

Sensing she is losing him, Catherine pulls out all the stops for Blair's little shindig, even accessorizing with a long gold chain guaranteed to ensure we won't neglect to notice her cleavage.



Dear Catherine, the role of Upper East Side hot mama has already been filled, much better and much classier, by Lily van der Woodson.  Sincerely, YKYLF

As much as Vanessa postures and complains about Nate's sugar momma, she has to be grateful for Catherine's presence, because it's rare that anybody takes away her worst-dressed of the episode honors.

Surprisingly, Vanessa doesn't break too many fashion rules this episode.



Of course, she has to pick a busy pattern for her tank, but if you ignore that godawful orange bangle, her simple gold chain is even an example of good accessorizing.

I think it's telling that every episode where the writers push a potential relationship between Vanessa and Nate, she tends to look nice.  This outfit she wears on the date with Nate is a good example.



I can't even remember the last time she looked this normal and nice.  The slightly shimmery cream and purple dress is very flattering, jewelry is minimal, and her hair and makeup look amazing.

So amazing, in fact, that we need a closeup.



Under all those tacky bangles and earrings and layered necklaces and nauseating patterns, it's easy to forget that Jessica Szohr is a very pretty girl.

Vanessa continues this astonishing trend at the party.



This necklace and earring combo is a touch matchy-matchy, but it still can't drag this dress into typical Vanessa territory.


Hair is perhaps a little lank and uninspired, but overall, not a terrible look for our resident Brooklynite.  You can almost (maybe) see what Nate sees in her.

Speaking of Nate, he continues his love affair with the color blue.  It's a lot more lasting than his feelings for Blair or Serena or Vanessa or Catherine or Vanessa again. . .but you get my point.



Catherine, you're not enamored with Ralph Lauren, you're enamored with the boy inside the Ralph Lauren.



Another blue-shirt, another dim-witted expression.



And it's officially official:  Nate wears nothing in his episode that isn't blue.

Never Been Marcused - Part 1 of 2 - Sunkissed & Sensational

Episode Synopsis: It’s the morning after the White Party, and time for our motley crew to return to the multi-million megaplexes they call home. Marcus is captivated by Blair, who is busy lying through her teeth to impress him and not be blackballed by Chuck, who is attempting to sabotage her with the help of Duchess Catherine, who is sleeping with Nate, whose attention is being begged by Vanessa, who has given up stalking Dan now he and Serena are making out like it’s season one all over again. Everyone is sleeping with everyone else, and it's dirty and beautiful. Let’s roll on with the show...

Now out of the Bassian Desert and free to frolic where she wishes, Blair sticks to a strict palette of colours – yellow, cream, orange – this episode, and looks citrusy and sweet all hour long.

While taking a bike ride with her British beau, she rocks a yellow and ivory ruffled blouse and wide leg, high-waisted deep orange shorts. Utterly adorable, and oh so appropriate.

See what I meant about the palette?

B tries to give herself some polish with a classy back to school party – I don’t understand it either, but at least her party planning outfit is lovely! This dress has a fab layering effect, with the bow front waistcoat rising from a neat orange skirt with pockets. A matching scarf ties back her hair, and that one blue bracelet adds cute colour contrast.

For all the racing around she does this episode – entertain Marcus, school Chuck, scold Serena – Blair certainly seems very relaxed, on the surface at least. I love her almost messy hairstyle, accessorised with a simple pearl band; the real star of the show, however, is that dress. Cream and black printed and topped with a bow, it is parfait (either that or B looks like a parfait in it...)

Returning victorious from her endeavours, the soon to be Lady B dons a pale blue babydoll and pink head wrap to spend the night with her BFF.

Now, onto Serena: Blake Lively can literally pull off anything, and this simple slip is not exception. It’s ivory, it clings, and it has the barest of black ornamentation on the shoulders. Uncomplicated and alluring, that’s our S.

Back in the Hamptons, she turned up the allure for the benefit of a certain Humphrey. Her blue and black vest top may be straightfoward enough, but if you allow your eyes to drift lower...Daisy Dukes for our very own Daisy Buchanan. Well played, Serena.

This look, however, says less Fitzgerald heroine, more Dora the Explorer. What is that thing on her top half? It looks like a surplus parachute to me, so I’m not even going to try to understand it. The really unfathomable thing, however, is why someone as fashion savvy as S would wear white bootcut jeans. White bootcut jeans hardly look good on anyone. White bootcut jeans should, in this recapper's humble opinion, be banned.

Oh dear God, they have creases.

White bootcut jeans with creases.

FIERCE.

Thank God, Serena’s fashion sense rises from the grave for Blair’s party. She dons this beautiful deep blue patterned maxi dress with deep V-neck to show off her *ahem* best assets, and adds a boho twist with long loose pearls and tousled hair with a few cute braids. She is even (though you can’t see them) wearing gladiator sandals. Speaking of those assets, though...

This lady’s milkshake brings Nate Archibald to the yard.

I’ve never liked Duchess Beaton, what with her cougar tendencies and over-styled hair, but she certainly knows how to mix colours. This summer dress would be completely boring in pale yellow and black, but the little pops of white and mint green sell it to me.

This dress = ought to be mine. The light chiffony fabric suffers a little from a heavy splash print, but is more than redeemed by those translucent sleeves and chic black accents. Add a simple black belt, and Catherine looks cool, scary, and rather attractive.

And if there weren’t enough women in Nate’s life already, here’s his mother, wearing shades similar to the Duchess!

At least now we know where Nate gets his addiction to blue from – that wraparound visor really makes Mrs Archibald’s eyes pop. Question, though: if you can get rubber gloves that look like silk, why does an Upper East Sider own such an icky pair of gardening gloves?

We get a brief appearance from the littlest cast member this episode, and Jenny hits it out of the park in a deep orange and navy tribal summer dress, her pink pendant sweetly clashing. It’s nice to remember that once upon a time, she looked like this, so let’s enjoy her summer glow and sincere smile while they last.

Summer, Kind of Wonderful - Part 1 of 3 - Kind of Lovers

Episode Synopsis:  It’s summer in the Hamptons — Serena’s been pouting, Chuck’s been whoring, Nate’s been secretly screwing a married woman, and Blair's been hiding in France, trying to pretend Chuck isn’t a total asshole.  So basically, par for the course for the Non-Judging Breakfast Club.  Dan, however, has turned over a new leaf and is taking a page out of Chuck’s book, all in an attempt to forget that he was once Lonely Boy.  And instead of gossiping and training as a loyal Constance minion, little Jenny is working herself to the bone at Eleanor Waldorf’s atelier as a summer intern.

Nate, at the end of the summer in the Hamptons, has finally fulfilled the great potential he had during the school year—he’s turned into a massive manwhore who’s attracted the attention of Catherine, an older, married ex-model.

But has he really changed all that much?

His wardrobe tells us that no, he's still wild about the color blue.

Accessorizing his pecs with it.

And his big guns.

To his credit, this outfit of Nate’s actually has a few interesting details that improve it from his usual t-shirt uniform seen above—from the white detailing to the tie yoke.  Even the plain khaki cargo shorts fit him perfectly.

For the White Party, he is, of course, required to wear something not blue.

 

The cream colored sweater layered over the white t-shirt is honestly an uninspiring choice but then it’s Nate Archibald.  He probably doesn’t even know that pairing cream and white together is a big fat no-no.

Unlike Nate’s uneven outing, his fake girlfriend Serena puts together an excellent sartorial episode—distinguishing herself without reverting to her default trampiness.

Love this gray silky swimsuit coverup accessorized by just a splattering of silver sequins along the v-neck.

Even the coral beaded cuff adds just the right amount of color to her otherwise monochromatic outfit.

We don’t get to see much of this muted gold coverup Serena wears while chatting with Blair by the pool, but the color gives her a glow that has nothing to do with her tan.

J’adore the periwinkle and cream shift dress Serena dons for her “date” with the lifeguard—or is it the Kleenex?  Hard to remember.

Regardless, she looks stunning, with her wavy hair, and the color bringing out the tan she’s spent the summer perfecting.

For shopping with Blair, Serena changes into a short (very short) green and white tank dress with yellow accents.  Honestly, I look at this and think she just walked off a tennis court.

I do love the pop of color she adds with the blue quilted Chanel bag.

For the White Party, Serena hits it out of the park.

This white Grecian gown is deceptively simple but fits her flawlessly, and her hair, with the braided twists and curls, intertwined with the silver chain, is stunning.

By wearing such a simple garment, Serena’s hairstyle can be intricate and accessorized without looking overdone.

This episode Serena plays at being Nate’s girlfriend in order to shield his real ladylove—an older married cougar named Catherine. Most of her scenes require no clothes at all—but since this is Nate we’re talking about, I guess that shouldn’t come as a big surprise.

To the White Party, Catherine dons a tank maxi-dress that makes her look incredibly flat and unattractive.  Not sure if this was a preconceived plan to prevent Nate from ripping her clothes off at the party, but it could have been.

She’s jealous of Serena at the party, and really, after seeing S’s dress, and then Catherine’s, it’s not hard to see why.

Serena would never let her two best friends look this sad, tired or paunchy.

As for Dan, he’s gone the opposite direction of Serena.  Instead of closeting himself away, feeling sorry for himself, he’s become the exact opposite, turning into a serious manwhore a la Nate or Chuck.

Dan should always be a manwhore.  He looks a million times better in this classy beige button-up and gray slacks.  Maybe some of Serena rubbed off on him after all.

But Dan doesn’t stay dapper for long.  In fact, he returns to the comforting environs of plaid sooner rather than later.

But when he finally gets his head screwed on straight and heads to the White Party to tell Serena how much he’s missed her (apparently he’s had time to miss her in-between flirting with everything in a skirt), Grandma CeCe gets her hooks into him and fixes the situation.

I get that Dan wouldn’t be Dan if he dressed like this all the time, but I still think he should.  He looks charming and chic and finally deserving of the Grecian goddess that’s Serena Van der Woodsen.

Grandma CeCe, who gives Dan his much-needed makeover for the White Party, looks unsurprisingly lovely this episode. 

This floral scarf and pearl pairing is charming and very summery.

Her cream suit for the party is deceptively simple, but makes the most of her gorgeous skin and glossy white hair, arranged in this stunning chignon.

When I’m her age, I can only hope I’ll be this well-preserved and youthful.  Either that, or I’m rich enough to afford the same ridiculously expensive plastic surgeon I’m sure CeCe uses.

Or maybe it's all the gin. Are juniper berries good for the skin? I'm off to Google...