Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?
Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.
For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.
There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.
Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...
This debonair bastard is your competition.
By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.
I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."
Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.
Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.
He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.
Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:
Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.
Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:
You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.
And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.
And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.
We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.
Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.
As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?
I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.
I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:
Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.
OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.
It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.
Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.
Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.
Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?
Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...
OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.