The Return of the Ring - Part 2 of 2 - Plotless

Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?

Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.

For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.

There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.

Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...

This debonair bastard is your competition.

By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.

I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."

Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.

Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.

He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.

 Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:

Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.

Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:

You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.

And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.

And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.

We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.

Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.

As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?

I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.

I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:

Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.

OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.

It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.

Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.

Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.

Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?

Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.

Despicable B - Part 2 of 2 - The Used

It's odd to think of Serena as a victim, when, as Gossip Girl, she has more power than just about anyone. Or so the show would like you to believe. Frankly, she's gotten kind of hang-doggish and pathetic, lately.

There's no better way to cheer yourself up than by donning a truly spectacular scarf.



There are no words for how much I covet this.  In fact, Serena has seemingly left trashy chic behind for mere chic.  Losing Dan to Blair has only improved her sartorial success rate.

Her ombre coat is divine on her and forces the question:  "why doesn't Serena wear green more often?"  It really suits her.



And no stilettos or ridiculous platform boots!  Nevermind that Serena's macaron is, for once, appropriately covered in this awesome ensemble.

Of course, such progress was certain to be temporary.  Serena, forced into attending a happy Rhodes family dinner (an oxymoron, to be sure), she drags out the tightest dress she can find.



Her favorite accessories are being crushed and contained in this ridiculously tight bandage dress.



I'm not certain how she even sat in this.  From her expression, even Serena isn't sure.

But yet again, Serena unleashes the full force of an awesome scarf.



That blue leopard print is to die for.

As for her dear sister (half-sister, Serena reminds us), Lola is still lost.



It's a fact that Lola is a beautiful girl.  Why then does she hide it all away in that ugly brown smock and schlumpy blue sweater?  Would it kill her to wear something fitted and attractive?



The answer to that is, yes.  Because unfortunately the direction Lola's headed is distinctly bohemian, and we've already seen the train wreck that is bohemian fashion on this show.  Vanessa's costume jewelry closet, anyone?

The coat isn't a bad color, I guess, but with the olive green fringed bag and that odd navajo print hanging out of it, it just looks sad.  As a blond, doesn't she realize that the brown blouse is doing her no favors?

At the Rhodes dinner, we get confirmation from more than one source that Lola and Serena are related.

Carol and William confirm it, of course, but then Lola also breaks out the sequins.



It's the beginning of a good idea.  Still, even the old gold shade suits her better than the brown and persimmon of earlier, it's still just an ugly dress.  And after weeks of seeing gold party dresses on her, it's time to try another color.

Hey, remember when we though this girl was a Rhodes? Ivy, imposter extroardinaire, has really let herself go.



Good hair, decent makeup, but my god, was her robe the only coat she had left to her name?  Lily is ruthless, apparently.

Speaking of ruthless, it's taken him three seasons, but Rufus has finally realized he's a kept man.



Bless.  He tucks in his plaid shirts now!  That's overriding evidence that he's become a trophy husband.

The good (okay, more like better) news is that he's discovered the existence of barbers in Brooklyn!



This is a discovery he should share with his son, STAT.



Dan's hair is halfway to becoming a full-time regular on the show.  Also, Blair tried telling us that she picked out this outfit.  Do we look that gullible to you?

I didn't think so.



Pretty typical Dan Humphrey semi-formal attire, although it fit right in with the crowd at the literary party. He was wearing a variation of this back when he was with Serena.  Hopefully now there's at least a designer label inside that sport coat.

Designer labels are something as natural to Chuck Bass as Scotch or Asian hookers.  Sorry.  Asian flight attendants.



This windowpane plaid coat makes everything in the world better.  Chuck's pattern mixing, from the stripes in his shirt to the polkadots in his tie to the paisley in his pocketsquare, might single-handedly bring about world peace.

Worst victim of this episode, hands down, is Carol.

Not only is she exposed as that woman who slept with her sister's husband and got pregnant, but she totally wore this black dress to not only prove she was rolling in the dough now, but to entice William back to the fold.  Ew.  Gross.



She's definitely showing the goods that God gave her.



That necklace screams "I'm cheap, and need the police to cart me away now."

The sum value of her wardrobe in this scene is easily quadruple what it was for the entire rest of her appearance combined.  Whatever kind of person Carol is, she definitely knows how to go out with a bang.

Valley Girls - Part 1 of 2 - Blast from the Past

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme - Chuck Bass' claims not to be into your girlfriend aren't worth a dime. Dan springs Serena from the pokey and escorts her to prom, a magical night engineered by fairy godfather Chuck to be everything Queen B's ever dreamed of (remind me why she's with Nate again?) While the kids are grooving down, making out and getting it on, Lily takes a trip down memory lane and a spin down the highway to California and her teenage self.

Cue young Lily, a prep without compare. An ensemble of pink shirt, argyle sweater vest and belted pink slacks are more middle aged spread than the young and restless, but her tweed blazer is just adorable enough to pull the whole look together.

Real world Lily is still in her warrior jewellery and dressed as a mocha frappuccino in far too many shades of brown. No wonder Blair is judging her.

Good thing Cece's on hand to keep up the fabulous quota. I love the different shades of ivory and beige, and the raggedyness of her lapels is gorgeous with a tailored blouse and sleek hair.

Back down Memory Lane, we meet not only young Cece - a fierce fox who takes her gin without tonic and who makes Dynasty look cheap - but also Rick Rhodes, AKA Blane McDonough.

If you don't get the Pretty in Pink reference, that's on you. I'm not old enough to have watched the Brat Pack films either, but they are too good to miss.

When Rick rejects Lily's love and we begin to understand why she married daddy issues machine Bart Bass, our heroine goes in search of her sister Carol...instead, she finds Owen, a rockabilly bad boy stereotype. 

I thought he might be young Rufus. That plaid shirt and leather jacket threw me for a while.

But Rufus doesn't have it in him to be a bad boy. His failed proposal suit is still nice and crisp, but his heart is not.

And while Lily's no bad seed herself, she still thinks breakfast is an adequate apology for having her daughter arrested. She does 'angelic' well in a soft grey t-shirt and white cardigan...and then reminds us she's a force to be reckoned with by adding some serious sparkle.

Cece is a salmon coloured sweatsuit, so she's still fresh after kicking your ass. Like mother, like daughter: blingy earrings and a brooch work surprisingly well with workout gear.

Young Lily is still hunting Carol and needs to blend in with the natives. Gratuitous eighties montage time!

Much better. There's some of the Lily we know and love in there with the overload of pearls, a sharp leather jacket a la Serena and a dress that defies description. I like it, now I hate it, now I like it again.

I actually do hate what Carol's wearing - not the miniature sitars hanging from her ears so much as red leather, red lipstick and a surfeit of crosses. Who is she, Hellboy?

Carol's gunning for the guy who stole her music video and slept with her - now I see where Serena gets it from. His name is Keith van der Woodsen, so I guess he's young Billy Baldwin's brother? So that means Serena's maternal aunt hooked up with her paternal uncle and...let's just focus on his nasty turned up collar and dislike of colour and detail.

Since Lily gets her lovin' from Rufus nowadays, she also turns to him for advice about Serena. The funny thing is, I almost like this plaid shirt. The red in the pattern is a bold choice for Rufus.

Rufus and Lily smoke pot together in the next episode, but let's focus on earlier infractions. Carol posts bail in a slightly more acceptable outfit, even for 1983. Her striped shirt and denim jacket combo is tres Parisienne, as are the headwrap and chandelier earrings.

Olivia Newton Mom does not approve. Way to get physical, Cece.

But in the real world, I approve. This sequinned pashmina is so covetable - if a little too much when worn with heavy jewellery.

I must also point out that Cece's perfect waves would shame her grandaughter's ratty locks.

The Princess Dowry - Part 1 of 2 - The Oh So Sad VDWs

Wow what to say about this episode... I don't think I've ever seen Lily roll her eyes and make so many snarky comments. Or drink quite so much! Cece's Secret Wake (organized by Cece herself) was Irish themed and included a lot of music and whiskey drinking. It also included some wake crashing by Georgina and Lola (Real Charlotte Rhodes), a less than welcome (but totally invited) Chivy (should we just call her Ivy now?) and the return of William VDW (aka Lola's dad !!!!). Oh, and Cece in her coffin... in the middle of the VDW living room. To my disappointment, the Chuck and Dan's battle in "World War Waldorf" played out to a Dan win. In a potential plot hole the size of Central Park, William announced that Cece left Ivy the penthouse in her will... so Ivy herself kicks Lily and Rufus out of their beloved home (YKYLF staff room calls "continuity fail". We remember Lily moving into Bart's apartment, complete with Bart's safe of secrets). And with few heartbreaking and life-ruining Gossip Girl blasts, Georgina's run as GG is over and she's off to Monaco to help Blair end her marriage (only after B made a deal with that devil). But before leaving town, she sent a mysterious package with a laptop and GG info inside to... Serena! Will S become the new Gossip Girl?

The mourning fam arrived at their penthouse to find an Irish wake already waiting for them... so Lily struck a pose.

Rufus looks clean and tidy for once, while Lily looks classy as always. Her furs, diamonds, and blond hair give her a Grace Kelly attitude that fits her oh so well. Serena, meanwhile, decided to shop at the American Girl doll store to buy the Eskimo doll (with a jacket in Serena's size!!) If it had been a regular coat, I wouldn't have questioned this outfit. But instead, it has wool sleeves with elbow pads, which I find a little odd. There is a double collar going on, which leaves a huge question mark on my face.

See, I wasn't kidding. I guess she realized her hideous decision because she wore other things to make her coat look fabulous... a cute scarf, a gorgeous leather bag, a worthy iPhone case, and she even managed to comb her hair and tie it without a hair tie. I admire her for that touch.

 Once she took off her coat, Serena revealed such a good-girl outfit that I was proud of.

 

The neckline is high, her legs are covered (!) and her skirt doesn't show off her macaron, so she's made a few steps in the right direction. Especially since it was a wake. I loved this outfit, except for the wooden bead necklace. It's a little too "Mommy look what I made" for me, but other than that she rocked!

 I have to say I cringed when I saw Carol this week.

 Her coat is almost, if not more, disastrous than Serena's. She has awkward flaps of fabric over her chest, and the color was a bit wrong in my eyes. She also managed to dress more provocatively than Serena (which was actually pretty easy this week). Carol  you aren't 20 anymore, and a tight dress is not what you should be wearing. Especially to your mother's wake.

I had to add this picture because A) Rufus is not wearing plaid, and B) Lily is taking a shot.

Two things that are legendary! Who knew this could happen! Maybe it'll happen more often (the no plaid on Rufus part. Less so on the Lily taking shots).

 As per usual, Lily looked fabulous in this episode.

She went all "Diamonds are a girls best friend", and it suited her so well! And her legendary buns never fail to make me smile. The bow was maybe a bit much, but we'll let it slide.

The dress was perfect funeral material.

Tasteful lace, black, chic, and matchable to heels and jewelry. Like always, Lily blew my mind.

I can see why Lola is a perfect VDW... she has such beautiful golden locks.

Criteria to be a female member of this family appears to be gorgeous blonde hair. Except for Carol. But no one really likes her so it's okay that she's a brunette. I approve of Lola's golden knit sweater dress. It compliments her hair nicely, and she wears the perfect earrings to match it. Daddy VDW on the other hand stays somber and neutral with his Rufus-like outfit. No tie, all in black. Kind of like Rufus's rock and roll days. Minus the Humphrey style chest hair.

I can see why there's a problem matching up parents and children in this family... no one really looks similar. I honestly would not be able to tell these two were sisters unless you told me.

Despite the plot inconsistencies, I sobbed as I saw the perfect couple waiting for a cab surrounded by leather bags. Destination: Brooklyn.

The Jewel of Denial - Part 2 of 2 - Cha Cha Cha Chivy

Serena is totally a snoozefest in this episode. She is back on the UES and appears to have herself together (job, happy relationship with her family, combed hair, and her private parts safely tucked away). BORING.

The floral dress and tan blazer seem so demure. Did she secretly go to finishing school while she was out in L.A.? Even the eggplant leather purse screams lady-who-lunches. 

Oh wait, never mind. That horrible layered jewelry would have her kicked out of etiquette class faster than you can say "salad fork." Her necklace explosion makes me miss Vanessa. I actually think Serena is wearing four different necklaces. Is Eric Damon besties with a bead maker? 

I am relieved that Serena brought Chivy back from L.A. with her! Charlie/Ivy seemed to be suffering from a horrible internal struggle - I am beginning to think that she really is bipolar. Her ensemble does a great job of illustrating her conflict as it is the fashion equivalent of a mullet - business on the top and party down below.  

It appears that Ivy was hired by Carol to pretend to be Charlie in order to gain access to Charlie’s trust fund. This fraud has me confused. Where is the real Charlie? How does no one in the family recognize that Ivy is an actress who was hired to play Charlie?

Fearing discovery, Chivy decided to leave town but not before she was tricked into being a model at the Jenny Packham show. Serena even left the Chivster a note telling her to “Live Her Dreams.” I suspect that Serena is interning for Hallmark or a motivational poster company.

I am impressed with Rufus in this episode! I love that he was able to finagle a reduction in Lily’s house arrest sentence. In addition to charming lawyers, Rufus looks like he is hitting the gym and going to some yoga classes. He looks long, lean, and lithe. Although he is about 500 calories away from a Leann Rimesesque eating disorder controversy. 

Thank goodness that Lily was released early from her house arrest. The UES was missing its style and charm. She is way too amazing to be spending her days playing Angry Birds. Her aquamarine accessories are incredible with her blonde coif and neutral colored reading glasses. Even her nails are manicured in a perfect ballet pink. Judging by her expertly arched brows and neat nails, I am suspecting that Lily has an esthetician on call. 

Quick side note: Check out the full on Rufus/ Lily make out photo that is framed in the background. 

I adore this white and blue tailored shirt dress. The pleating and buckle detailing lend a menswear feel and provide a nice foil to the feminine material. I must have Halloween on the brain. The larger blue pattern seems to look like a marine colored candy corn. 

Across town, a spruced up Nate looked all business as he started his new internship at The Standard. The job requirements include fetching coffee, making copies, and providing non-stop action for Elizabeth Hurley/ Diana. For those of you who are applying for a job in the sex trade, it appears that you need to be dressed in business formal. Nate looks stunning in his grey pinstripe suit, white windowpane plaid shirt, and royal blue tie. 

Sorry Liz, but Nate’s slicked back hair really isn’t doing much for me. Apparently Ms. Hurley felt differently because she actually fired her whole staff so that she could have a little midday nookie with Nate. This fitted Marios Schwab white dress has her feeling spicy. The dress also includes a directional line so that Nate knows where he should grope. 

And what about this look that she wore to her party? A tight flesh tone one shoulder cocktail dress! She might as well be naked. Poor Nate doesn't stand a chance. 

It's even worse than I thought. The dress has ruching which will highlight her curves and hug her body. Yikes!

I am mad at Liz Hurley. I can't believe that she used her sex kitten wiles to trick Nate into exposing a marital scandal. The poor Senator- he is stuck walking around in a boring ensemble and was embarrassed in front of his wife. Don't you hate when your Greek Island mistress vacation gets discussed? Disaster. Well at least he isn't Ashton Kutcher.

It’s getting Murdoch in here. What kind of a party requires people to check their cell phones? That would never happen in real life! More importantly, I cannot believe that Nate actually went along with breaking into the phones to look for secrets. Only disaster will come from this.

Rufus looks like a hot husband with this narrow grey suit and dark solid color shirt. He is seriously turning into a stud. Is he planning to model in the fashion show too? 

Lily looks upset in this photo. She might be worried that Rufus has upstaged her with his mad stud skillz. Fear not Lil, your classic upswept hair and little black dress are gorgeous. The lace detailing and cinched waist are a feminine breath of fresh air. So wipe the sour puss look off your face and get ready to watch a familial squabble.  

Enter Carol, Charlie's momma and Ivy's employer. It is obvious that Carol was denied access to the trust fund. The shapeless black frock and Pocahontas-like necklace have me guessing that Carol has been trolling the bargain bins. Oy. 

I am in love with this beautiful Jenny Packham gown worn by Chivy in the fashion show. The color and embellishments are dreamy. She looks stunning. This is exactly the type of dress that would make me decide to blackmail my employer/mother into letting me live on the UES and drain a trust fund. Chivy obviously agrees.