G.G., Part 1 of 3: The Blushing Bridal Party

The day we've all been waiting for ... ish ... is finally here. The gang's all ready, but Blair has made one terrible miscalculation: she didn't invite Georgina. Instead, Georgina decides to crash the party, seduce Louis, and ruin the wedding - you know, as one does. She fails to seduce Louis, but does manage to record Blair telling Chuck she still loves him. This tape ends up on Gossip Girl just as Blair is standing at the altar. It looks like the wedding's off, but after groveling to Louis, they actually tie the knot. Unfortunately for Blair, he hasn't forgiven her - he's just decided to grow a personality, and that personality is basically a very cold, cruel jerk. Realizing she's trapped in a loveless marriage - and that Dan wrote Louis' vows - Blair flees before the honeymoon, with Dan driving the getaway car.

Most importantly, though: Gossip Girl is revealed!

For once, Blair gets to enjoy someone else's dream sequence.

Serena's subconscious is kind of enough to give Blair flattering makeup and nice hair. Essentially, this is the best Blair has lookd in ages.

For contrast, here's how Blair's been running around town on her wedding day:

In her bathrobe.

Okay, I realize that it's actually a very expensive coat, but the belt and the wide lapels give it a distinct "bathrobe" vibe. And, of course, she's opted to accent the look with yet another tiny hat. Now that she's a runaway bride, can she go back to the headbands? I yearn for her power headbands.

Part of the problem with tiny hats is that they make your head look gigantic, particularly if you have a very round face to begin with. All season, Leighton's face has looked off to me, and I think a big part of the problem has been these stupid tiny hats (as well as the flat hair).

And the makeup. Oh god, the makeup. Remember back when Blair had perfect, dewy makeup? I miss those days. How much eye makeup does she really need? I think Blair needs a refresher course on daytime makeup, because the excessive eye shadow, the obvious blush, and the bright lip are not doing her any favors. It looks like she's a 14 year old girl who's finally been allowed to play with makeup.

Okay, I'm including this cap for two reasons:

1) Is Princess Blair doing her own makeup? I realize that the Dutchess did her own makeup (supposedly) for the wedding, but after the prior cap, how did Eleanor not intervene and demand hair and makeup for Blair?

2) Can anyone ID that shade of Chanel lip gloss? I absolutely love it. It's not right for Blair's wedding day, but I'm not attending royal weddings any time soon.

Look, I love Blair. She is my favorite character, hands down. In the early seasons, her hair and makeup were absolutely stunning. Remember how lush her hair used to be? Those bouncy curls, the shininess? It was enough to put the girls of Rosewood to shame.

But oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Blair. You are marrying a prince. Spring for a trim. Your hair is one bottle of peroxide away from fourth-season Jenny. Look at those ends! You might have been going for beachy waves, but you wound up with Spring Break hangover hair. Where is the volume? The shine?

Seriously, how is it that Eleanor only realized on Blair's wedding day that Louis isn't right for her? All Eleanor had to do was look at Blair's hair. It's a cry for help.

Okay, I had to include this cap to give credit where credit is due:

Once the veil is on, the makeup looks much less harsh. Of course, she's spending the rest of the wedding with the veil off, but for the few seconds when she walks down the aisle, she really does look beautiful.

And of course, the Vera Wang wedding dress, in all its glory:

I know this is a random thing to focus on, but I love the scalloped hem. It has such an old-world feel. The line of the skirt with the veil is so perfectly classic - a nice reminder that Vera Wang, even with all the hype, does create gorgeous silhouettes.

The only thing I'm not crazy about with the dress is the bodice:

A random tulle bow and a fairly plain bodice are all very "meh" to me. I wish there had been more of a drape to the bodice. As it stands now, the bow hides her tiny waist (a remnant of when she was trying to hide her pregnancy, I'm guessing). If there had been a shape to the top of the bodice and more detailing to the rest of it, the dress could have been slightly more flattering. But hey, we'll leave that for the next wedding.

Also, am I the only person bummed that Dorota was not in the wedding party? Then again, if she'd been a bridesmaid, we would have missed out on her weird, matronly dress with what appears to be a "Best in Show" ribbon.

For the record: if you are making that face on your wedding day, and the three most important women in your life don't immediately stop and offer to sneak you out the bathroom window, Rachel Green-style ... that's a bad sign.

Aw, the Blairents! It's nice to see the return of Harold, looking sharp as always. I also kind of love that he and Eleanor are color-coordinated.

I'm happy to see Eleanor in rich colors for a change, but wish she'd opted for a more open neckline with that jacket. It had a lot of business going on down the lapels, and the tie-neck blouse makes the whole thing just seem overdone and claustrophobic.

I have such a hard time believing that a woman who designs such cute, vintage-inspired dresses can opt for such a dowdy, unflattering dress:

Eleanor, we need to talk. Stretchy satin is a friend to no woman, particularly when it's as poorly cut as it is on this dress. It's giving you a baby bump. A baby bump. And it's creating weird folds around your macaron. Do you really have no one in your life to tell you these things?

I'm guessing Cyrus is a bit too tactful to say "Honey, that dress makes you look like a pregnant moose," but have you no girlfriends who will be blunt, then pull eight other dresses that are far more flattering? Because I know I speak for all of us here at YKYLF when I say: we're here for you. Call us next time your daughter marries a Prince.

I mean, really. Who lets a dress drape like this? What is happening here?

Points for the cape, though. That's really the perfect outerwear for a rogue mission to ask your daughter's ex to crash the wedding.

G.G., Part 2 of 3: Macarons and Dayplayers

I always imagined that Serena's dreams are like going inside John Malkovich's brain, where everyone looks like him and only says "Malkovich."

Apparently, though, the inside of Serena's brain is much, much worse.

It involves musical numbers.

So what do you think? How does Blake compare to the real Marilyn?

 

Serena's dress definitely could have used those black accents to offset the gigantic bow in the back. Compared with Blair's most recent dream sequence outing as Sabrina, S definitely falls short.

Coming off such a terrible nightmare - singing! dancing! losing a guy to Blair! - Serena decides to go casual for the first time in her life. The girl wears a Black Halo cutout dress to a Yale admissions dinner, but she opts for a maternity top and sweater for her best friend's pre-wedding breakfast.

Personally, if I were wearing a tunic with a hem cut like that, I would not be hanging out on the stairs. The only macarons Blair wants to see on her wedding day are from Ladurée.

Apparently, Dorota agrees.

As does Dan. This face should have tipped Serena off to the fact that Dan's just not that into her.

This face, on the other hand ...

It seems that Louis is the only person that's more than happy to talk with Serena today. I wonder why?

When compared with the bridesmaid dresses, Serena's Maid of Honor dress is definitely less offensive. It's not particularly flattering (and the skirt kind of reminds me of her awful bridesmaid dress from when Lily married Bart), but at least it doesn't look like a peony. 

Also, I'm not that familiar with men's tuxes, but do the legs always look like bell bottoms? Or is that a special-for-Brooklyn modification?

Not content to be the tall, statuesque blonde at the altar, Serena decided to go with a little volume for Blair's wedding day.

Of course, always one for the unconventional, Serena decided to just let rodents nest in a tower of Bump-Its. Honestly, that's all I can say about this hair, because it's so deeply horrifying.

It's official: Blair hates her minions.

That's the only explanation for dresses this unflattering - especially when paired with sheer black tights.

 So, amidst all this madness, what is Chuck doing?

Chillaxin' in a paisley robe with a pocket square, natch.

He's also giving Father Creepy a wicked case of Bassezuma's Revenge.

This really is the perfect face to make as you sabotage an evil priest who has no discernable motive beyond job security.

Father Creepy should know better than to mess with a man who coordinates this many different patterns.

Never mind the fact that he's wearing a boutonniere and a pocket square. If it were any man other than Chuck Bass, this would verge on male Vanessa Abrams-levels of over accessorizing. With Chuck, it just looks dapper.

I'm not that big of a Chuck/Blair shipper, but when you see him lounging casually in a suit of perfectly-coordinated blue-greys, complete with adorable stray dog, how can you marry the very boring Prince Louis?

I mean, come on! His socks match his shirt!

As for the man at the center of Gossip Girl's newest love triangle, I will say this: he looks pretty decent in a dream sequence tux.

Unfortunately, his major hair issues continue, but I can look past that. How Blair can look past that, I'm not sure. No joke, I had a dream after watching this episode that Blair, after running away with Dan, gave him a full makeover. It was magical.

Credit where credit is due ... at least he's branching out from plaids. In this case, he branched into what may or may not be a chambray shirt with green polka dots, but hey, at least he's trying.

Although, is it just me or are those sleeves way too big on him? I'm talking Seinfeld Puffy Shirt too big.

It should shock absolutely no one that Nate's robe is blue.

It's nice to know that some things never change: Nate will always wear blue, and he will always look a little confused when trying to read.

He gets some major points for this pea coat - it's hard to tell in this picture, but it's actually pin-striped.

It's a great cut on him. And I love that gorgeous charcoal cashmere crew-neck he's wearing under it (plaid shirt? What plaid shirt? I see no plaid shirt).

Lily and Rufus make their requisite 5-second appearance at the wedding. Just long enough to spot Georgina, let her know they're onto her, and then leave the room without making sure she leaves the church. Haven't they learned anything from horror movies? Unless you've decapitated the monster, never assume it's dead. Likewise, unless you watch her physically leave the building, possibly by police escort, don't assume she's going to do anything other than wreak havoc.

Rufus cleans up quite well in his tux, but Lily's dress is too casual for a black tie wedding. One of the rare times she actually misses the mark - even her hat isn't particularly exciting. I was hoping for a tasteful but fun fascinator; instead she just added some ribbon to a danish and stuck it on her head.

As for Lola, our rogue Rhodes, there's definitely no question that she's related to Lily and Serena. For starters, that shearling coat is pure Season 1 Serena, and those killer heels are totally Season 5.

And I think it's safe to say that only Rhodes women know how to give themselves updos this elaborate.

She couldn't have learned it from Cece, since they've been estranged for years, and I highly doubt that Carol has passed on the art. This leads me to think it's a genetic trait - maybe Rhodes women have hair that will naturally updo itself? If that's the case, Serena's gross hair missteps over the years bring up an interesting question: could it be that maybe, just maybe, Serena isn't a Rhodes? Or worse, that she and Lola were switched at birth, and Serena is actually the daughter of wildly unkempt Carol?

I'm calling it now: Season 8, we find out that Carol is a grifter who kidnapped the real Carol, then pulled a baby-swap on Lily. Carol's not the real Carol, Serena's not actually a Rhodes, and suddenly her hairbrush-allergy makes total sense.

G.G., Part 3 of 3: The Usual Suspects

As you may or may not know, Georgina is my favorite Gossip Girl villain. Everything about the little sociopath is fabulous. Case in point: she's dressed up for a wedding she's not invited to, without a concrete plan of attack, because she just knows she's going to find a way to ruin that wedding.

There is so much I love about this coat: the way the rhinestones serve as shoulder pads, the double-breast, the vaguely Soviet-era military feel. This coat is what a very stylish Disney villain would wear during a New York winter. And did I mention it has rhinestones and is oh-so-very-sparkly?

See, Lily? This is a damned fascinator. This is how you wear headgear to a wedding. Have you learned nothing from the Brits? The bigger the better. I love that Georgina went with something that falls dramatically but doesn't obscure her face. You want to make sure everyone sees the evil gleam in your eye.

Also, how gorgeous is her makeup? The heavy eye with peaches-and-cream skin is so classic Georgina. Clearly, the makeup staff haven't lost their touch ... which means they just choose to make Leighton look like a clown hooker for kicks.

If I ever get super rich, I will totally hire Michelle Trachtenberg to answer my front door like this at dinner parties.

You will all be invited, obviously.

Cap included because Georgina is rocking some killer heels.

How the girl stormed around Manhattan in these is beyond me. I'm pretty sure those heels are so pointy, they're legally considered a weapon in several state (speaking of: I would totally watch an Alias-style show where Georgina is a double-agent and kills people with her heels). 

Georgina's one misstep: this dowdy, sad slip.

You're going to seduce a prince, Georgina. Are you really telling me you couldn't stop by Agent Provacateur on the way? I know New York, there are Victoria's Secrets every ten blocks. This is not the best you could do. It's amateur hour. In fact, I'm almost concerned for you. This borders on self-sabotage.

At least she stepped up her game for the royal wedding. I'm a sucker for sequined dresses, even if this could stand to be hemmed by a couple inches.

It's not the Dynasty-level fabulous I would expect out of Georgina as she's poised to ruin Blair's life, but if you pretend she's wearing the fascinator the look becomes dramatic enough. Personally, I think Georgina should have kept the fascinator on through the whole episode. Should Gossip Girl ever do a 100th episode re-release, Star Wars-style, they should edit in her fascinator with CGI.

Ugh. Boring Prince Louis, whose suit still doesn't fit right on his wedding day.

At least I finally figured out why: the man has tiny shoulders.

Look at them! Look at his tiny shoulders!

It's like he's Mads' long-lost European brother, the Wee-est Little Lollipop of Monaco.

Louis in his wedding attire. I guess it's the formal military uniform of Monaco or something. I don't know.

I'm distracted by how the back of the coat flares out over his hindquarters and makes him look bootylicious.

I was originally going to say that the whole look was very Prince Eric, but then I looked up a picture from The Little Mermaid to compare and realized that the outfits were not at all similar.

 

For starters, even Prince Eric didn't cover himself in ribbons and medals, and Prince Eric was an actual sailor. What has Louis done to win all those bars, other than whine about secrets and wear ill-fitting suits?

It should be noted that, when the royal clergyman looks better in a sport coat than you do, it's time to fire the royal tailor.

A priest who looks this well-suited should not be trusted. End of story. Also, the fact that he spends so much time on his hair is probably a good tip-off that he's up to no good. What that no good is, we may never really understand, but it's definitely no good.

Ugh. Princess Sophie. Are we rid of her and her putty colored dresses yet?

Look at the two of them. So smug. So poorly tailored.

I do, however, find Princess Sophie's attempt at an updo hilarious.

This is what would happen to me if I got drunk and decided to replicate one of Lily's updos. I'm pretty sure that if you poked through the bun, you'd find a teasing comb and half a Snickers bar lost in there.

For the wedding, Princess Sophie breaks out her finest olive brown dress. As we're all aware, there is no shade more universally flattering than olive brown. Look how it brings out the light in her eyes! The shine in her hair! The purse in her lips that can only come from watching your son make terrible life choices!

Points for the hat, though. It's nice to see Sophie in some degree of color, even if she's trying to keep it as far away from her as possible. Sidebar: How annoying must it be to be seated directly behind that hat? Also, I'm calling foul on this many female guests going sleeveless in a Catholic church. It's a royal wedding, not the gun show, people. Throw on a pashmina.

And finally, the question we've all been waiting for: Who. Is. Gossip Girl?

Gossip Girl is none other than Georgina. Although...we here at YKYLF have our doubts. After all, as fellow staffer Lesley-Anne pointed out: "Was she updating from the Ukraine or wherever she was exiled? Do they even have interwebs there?"

Mini Recap: G.G.

After 45 minutes of waiting, those last 15 really paid off. Louis turned into a stone-cold sociopath, Blair bailed on her honeymoon with Dan, and it turns out that Gossip Girl is actually ... Harold!

Party du Jour
I don't know, a wedding or something.

Best Quote
"You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl."

Best Outfit
How can you not love Cyrus and Harold's matching tuxes? Blair's two dads are the best. We also loved her dewy bridal makeup (that she apparently did herself - the People's Princess, indeed). But the real prize goes to Georgina Sparks for her absurdly massive fascinator and her series of fabulous sabotage outfits.

Worst Outfit
Blair abides by the old maxim that bridesmaids should never outshine the bride. The minions were in peony-inspired dresses and Serena borrowed all of B's old Bump-Its. Blair's bridesmaid bootcamp didn't have anything near this terrifying.

Check back Thursday for the recap from me, Amanda, including the real identity of Gossip Girl!

"Can you believe it? She's marrying me!"