Riding in Town Cars with Boys: Part 1 of 3 - The Bedazzled

Episode Synopsis: Everyone on the UES is searching for happiness this week. Dan is searching for meaning in his young life as he struggles to write an afterword to his recently published book. The choice comes down to making Blair happy or telling her how she can make him happy. Blair's happiness rests on the choice between the bland (but princely) father of her child and the far more sexytimes and exciting Chuck. Like Dan, Chuck's happiness rests on whether he can make Blair happy. Serena navel gazes over old Gossip Girl blasts and suddenly decides her happiness is in Dan. Nate's on the road to Kennedy Jr-style happiness if he's willing to follow Grandfather Vanderbilt. And Chivy? Well, she needs to decide who she really is before she gets to be happy. Max will be happy if someone just writes him a really fat cheque.

 

If being happy means being bedecked in bedazzled finery, then the ladies of the Rhodes Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey household are very happy indeed.

At least that's what they'd have you believe. Because you've got to wonder about a woman who dresses up that much for a family brunch and drinks before her first coffee. Having said that, Lily, as always, looks impeccable. She's pretty much everything I want to be when I grow up: classy, wealthy, well dressed, well coiffed and married five times.

The only one at the table who can really rival Lily's sparkle is Serena.

Who needs a comb when you've got that much glitter and a glass of champagne? Not this girl. Hell, who needs family-appropriate clothing? You know, the kind that don't show off your new bra to all and sundry.

Not this girl. It's probably why Dan day drinks. Seeing a (step-) sister's bra at breakfast probably gives him flashbacks to when Jenny was living at home and pouting about being fabulously wealthy.

Less sparkly, but keeping the sparkle in Lily's eyes is Househusband Rufus and his waffles.

That's pretty much why he exists these days. To wear expensive knits and occasionally give the hired cooks a day off so he can make waffles in his diamond encrusted gold waffle maker (a wedding present from a fancy friend, I'm sure).

Then again, why bother doing anything else when you've got a wife like this who throws lavish parties because it's a Tuesday? Who clearly has her hair done professionally first thing in the day, because there's no one who can make their hair into an effing bow on their own?

Not Rufus. He's just going to keep on keeping on in those sweaters and occasionally dish out advice to Dan and then cockblock him by mentioning he gave out said advice to Serena. Good work Rufus. Good work. You should never trust a girl who dresses like this for brunch.

Is she even wearing pants? Is she forgoing all modesty for patterened, lacy tights?

Let's see what happens when she stands up:

OH NO SHE DIDN'T.

OH YES. SHE DID. LEATHER EFFING SHORTS.

Will wonders never cease. On the one hand, I'm thankful she's covering up all her girly bits. On the other hand, I'm completely thrown off by her decision to wear leather shorts with a sheer glitter blouse and suede booties. Honestly, I can't even wrap my head around it. Quick, fetch my smelling salts.

Or let's look at something else instead.

Okay, so I don't hate it. And it's refreshing to see someone of the Rhodes family not in full glitter to go to work. Or to see someone in the Rhodes family at least pretending to work. But there's something mildly, dare I say, Vanessa-ish happening? No, I know she isn't wearing five different patterns. But the necklaces. Add three more and five bangles and she's in Vanessaland. Overaccessorizing is a dangerous game my friends. There's a fine line between awesome and "why did you put on everything you own?" and, like Vanessa, Chivy isn't a natural Upper East Sider. She's bound to slip up one of these days. That is, if the writers don't send her to the Island of Misfit Minor Characters over the holidays.

She does clean up well though.

The coat isn't quite right, but it's sexy without giving it all away and it's well accessorized.

Remember when they took her to a gala and she got all single white female on Serena? Yeah....good times. She's come a long way. At least she's a bit more subtle with that plan. Anyone else creeped out when she says, "they're MY FAMILY now" to Max?

She's probably easing off some of the SWF vibes because she's started to figure out that dressing like Serena "my presence is my present" Van der Woodsen isn't for amateurs.

She has literally wrapped her boobs up like a Christmas present.

Sometimes I wonder what Lily must think of it all. I guess she hopes it's a phase and that Serena will learn to be a classy UES lady like herself.

Amanda was right. The gold sheath is pretty much perfect. Although, maybe she's overdoing it with the chunky jewelry these days. It looks like it's choking her.

Or maybe that's the face she made when she realized Serena paired a banana yellow clutch (that looks something like the waterproof camera cases one might take canoeing) with her purple and sparkle present dress.

I wonder how often Rufus needs to talk Lily down off the ledge of "You're not wearing that are you? No daughter of mine goes out with her boobs on display for every man, woman and child" tantrums. If Serena didn't live with Blair, it'd probably be a daily thing.

Riding in Town Cars with Boys: Part 2 of 3 - The Befuddled

It's been a rough week for Blair. The paparazzi are camped outside as though people actually still cared about the principality of Monaco and her engagement ring isn't fitting.

Hold up, whaaaat? That dinner plate is her engagement ring? I know he's a prince, but sheesh Louis, try to propose with a little class. I own glass rings like that for parties. Does he even know what Blair likes at all?

Having a giant and ugly engagement ring is probably making the poor kid depressed.

On second thought, it's proably because she dressed in muumuus with wallpaper patterns that Mrs. Roper would kill for. I'm not sure how much more of this maternity fashion Blair can withstand.

Clearly not much. She's already losing the plot and headed to Brooklyn to hide out with Dan. Who, for once, didn't drive me crazy with his plaid and jeans, even though he wore them to a gala event.

Probably because I dig his choice in accessories (read: looks of disdain) and his outerwear.

Well played Daniel, well played. You look exactly as I imagine a young author funded by his parents and living in a large loft in Brooklyn should look like. You've finally made it work. Because you never did make that look work at the fancy parties. It's just not your scene.

You heard me. You'll never be able to play with colour like Chuck can.

What's that Nathanial? Yes, I am wearing red socks with a pink checked shirt and a plum paisley tie. How do I make it work? Because I'm Chuck Bass.

In the end, it's probably why he'll be the dude who makes Blair moderately happy. Even if their relationship sometimes borders on emotionally abusive and the kind of thing Lifetime Movies are made of.

He'll also end up with her because he is the sort of fellow who, unlike Dan, keeps a silk scarf in his bedside table.

Now, other than she's still wearing the damn muumuu, I was intrigued by the coat. Until I saw it in the cold harsh light of the parking garage.

Bear with me as I explain why I hate what Blair is wearing. It's because that ensemble makes her look like:

a) an indie hipster musician

b) an art student

c) a children's librarian

And while I generally tend to be a fan of the sartorial choices those three types of ladies might make (I tend towards their style myself), Blair Waldorf does not. In fact, Blair Waldorf views all of those ladies with disdain. So why in the what now is she dressing like them? And pregnancy brain is no excuse.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll all forgive me (at least the Blair/Chuck shipper half of you) when I show you this:

I'm leaning towards the Dan/Blair 'shipment these days, but I understand your need to see some kissyface action to get you through the break. Even if their relationship does tend to be an on-again, off-again trainwreck. Or, car wreck, if you will.

Yes, a shout-out to the death of Princess Di. You stay classy, CW. 

Riding in Town Cars with Boys: Part 3 of 3 - The Beforgotten

Okay, the title of this post is a stretch. But this one is dedicated to all the minor players in the episode. The ones we only sort of care about and the ones who will be written off shortly.

Let's start with the only minor fellow who will always have a job here.

What up Nate? And your matching tie cousin! I love how y'all are backstabby and passive aggressive and then say, "on for racketball next week?"  Your cousin Tripp is looking a little different down in the dumps these days, what with Grandfather declaring you to be the New Hope for the family. And I must say, having an actual job, even if it was purchased for you, has done wonders for your wardrobe. You don't look like a Humphrey anymore and I think you might even be wearing a belt.

Maybe Chuck will let you borrow a tie every now and then, just to jazz things up a bit. Actually, my guess is Chuck throws them out after wearing them once, so just take it then.

I sort of wish you weren't so moral though. You really should have talked to Max. I know Chivy says she's a Rhodes, but after everything The Non-Judging Breakfast Club has been through, don't you think it's possible she's maybe an imposter? I mean, have you already forgotten your very beige imposter girlfriend of last season? The one who tried to take Serena down? I guess you have. And that's why poor Max isn't allowed to look a main character in the eye when he talks to them.

His minor character status is probably why he also has to dress in grey all the time. That way, when they write him off, the next guy can start wearing the grey outfits.

And oh, pauvre Prince Louis. So très boring. I can at least give him props for being one of the few men on the show who bothers to put on a belt in the morning.

Sadly pour vous Louis, this is probably not enough for Blair. Quelle mauvaise. Because it was refreshing to see a belt. But you see, I think that "le safari du suede" is not a look she would approve of:

Monsieur Louis, just because you've been off on le grande expedition does not mean you need to come back dressing like la proverbial explorateur. At least you didn't go for the red toque of Cousteau. But you must know that if Blair were to see that coat and its beaucoup de pockets, she would have sent you packing back to votre petite principality.

Another questionable fashion choice by an outcast lover this week was that of Diana.

Her look says it all. It says, "Shit. I can't believe I'm wearing a dress that looks like it could double for a hot pink wet suit."  Hopefully she'll be back in NYC with some better outfits. We know that she plans to accessorize with some Jack Bass. My money is on her being the real mother of Charlie Trout. (I have no evidence of this...but why else would Bart have her photo and Jack have her cell number? Huh?)

Mini Recap: Riding in Town Cars With Boys

It's a very introspective episode of Gossip Girl: Blair flees to Brooklyn and finally decides she wants to be with Chuck, not Louis. Dan almost tells Blair how he feels, then decides to hook her up with Chuck instead. Serena spends the episode reading old Gossip Girl posts about herself, then attempts to sabotage Dan's declaration of love for Blair. But, most importantly: the Gossip Girl writers decide that it's in good taste to echo Princess Di's car crash, and the episode ends with Blair and Chuck in the balance. Oh, and Chivy decides it's all her fault, so she's leaving for good. Supposedly.

Party du Jour
Chivy's debutant ball, which is more highly attended than Cece's Studio 54 party from last week.

Best Line
Blair: "Take this polyester rag off my face right now, Humphrey! And who doesn't keep a silk blindfold in their bedside table?"

Best Outfit
Eric Daman really has thrown in the towel. Either that, or he's still exhausted from working so very hard on his mediocre line for Charlotte Russe. Best outfit goes to Lily's gold sheath for the debutant ball, because Lily is perfect and classy and does High Society Matron with an Edge like nobody's business.

Worst Outfit
I was going to give it to Serena for her hideous debutant ball dress, but then I thought about it and realized how perfectly in-character it is. She opted for a dress with several layers of fringe and a giant sparkly bow on top. Even at an event all about her cousin, S can't help but try to grab some attention. With that in mind, I'm giving Worst Outfit to Blair for wearing a housecoat out of the house - and worse, to Brooklyn. Maybe she's trying to distract the paparazzi from her ringless finger by wearing an outfit last seen on John Travolta in Hairspray?

Check back Thursday for a full recap from Lesley-Anne!