Rhodes to Perdition - Part 1 of 2 - Let's Talk It Out

Episode Synposis: ChIvy gets blackmailed (and gets a nickname...you'll see), Grandpa Vanderbilt meddles, Grandma CeCe passes out, Serena dresses like a James Bond villain, and Chuck does for green socks what Carrie Bradshaw and the Girls did for cosmos.

We open with Blair writing - or attempting to write - Thank You cards. Shockingly, gratitude isn’t one of Mees Blair’s best suits. “Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl that makes margaritas?”

No Blair, you do not. What you do look like is someone who's slowly being strangled. All that volumnous fabric (plus a turtleneck, plus an oppressive fiance) will do that to you.

We cut to Blair and Chuck in therapy, where Chuck is wearing the greatest socks ever crafted by the hands of man. What does the color green represent? Life. Rebirth. Growth. OK, this isn’t a Terrence Malick movie, but for a guy who always dresses so dark, those Kermit colored socks show he’s coming back to life from a broken heart.

Blair’s aforementioned turtleneck dress goes against my basic “Dress for your figure” philosophy. She isn't showing yet, so girlfriend needs to ditch the Barnum & Bailey approved circus tent and flaunt that UES approved bod. I will say that the vertical black lines of her stockings work perfect for her stems. All the best fashion in this scene is from the knee down. How many times has that happened in an episode of Gossip Girl?

Back in her bed, hugging a pillow that is literally half her size, Blair is sulking; unsure of who she loves and who loves her back.

I know what I love (besides Dorota) - Blair's lacy nightgown. Does this girl have an endless supply of fabulous nighttime attire?

If Chuck and Nate had a "suit-off" who would you vote for?

They are both pretty standard looking to me. Maybe if Chuck wore a suit the color of his green socks...

Hmmm. Nevermind.

Anyway, Nate. Nate has started wearing boring suits...did you notice? He's either playing boss, or it's "Bring you Grandson to Work Day".

I guess they're the same thing, come to think of it.

Hello, cute co-worker! She's not glamorous enough to be worked into the storyline, so instead let's admire her apple green notebook, pop of purple, and blingy chains while we can. Congratulations on the scene, Gossip Girl extra. Now go frame that SAG card!

Grandpa vdB pops in to chat about cousin Tripp's latest scandal (yeah, we're still spelling it with 2 Ps...we're old school like that), and to show Nate how to wear a suit.

Meanwhile, in the land of arrowhead-shaped-hairlines (say that three times fast), Dan and his agent Allesandra are thinking of ways to drum up publicity for his book.

Allesandra looks appropriate enough in her agent-woman suit, but did Dan get those jeans from a Brett Favre Wrangler commercial? They are so very blue. I'm fully expecting him to go load a pickup truck with something dirty, and then readjust his baseball cap while looking out onto the horizon and feeling pride for an honest day's work and an honest day's wage.

But no, he's just going to sit around and Tweet about himself. See, this is why America is in trouble. It's people like you, Dan Humphrey. YOU!

Rhodes to Perdition - Part 2 of 2 - Disco Fever!

While Dan is off not loading bales of hay, Max straight-up blackmails ChIvy, asking for half a million dollars in hopes of having a blazer for every day of the year.

ChIvy of course calls Carol, who just got back from arts-and-crafts time at the Y. Today's project: glue four different necklaces into one!

Let's check in on the rest of the Rhodes clan. Serena's in bed "working" on her "blog" and, as you do, hangs out in layers of bling, fabric, and cleavage.

I guess she didn't get the "on Fridays we wear purple" memo, but Lily and Cece did. They're class all the way with fabulous textures and perfect details, like Cece's scarf.

Oh, maybe the memo said "On Fridays we wear purple or maroon" because here's ChIvy in an autumnal sweater that compliments cousin Serena's blogging dress. I don't hate it, but...meh. It feels too "IT'S FALL AND HERE ARE FALL COLORS" to me.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the biggest gossip girl of all?

Again with the red! There is a ton of it in this episode, and CeCe's classic chunk-of-rock earings keep that trend going. Also, please note purple nailpolish to go with the purple dress we just saw. Oh, to be a Rhodes girl!

The blast from the past is alive and well. Does Lily ever look flawed? And as for Rufus, lovin' the gold chain, man. Groovy.

Gah! Is Carol's dress for a four shouldered woman, or do her elbows need to support the dress also? However, I do love her matching bracelets. Very simple, yet effective. Also a wee bit Wonder Woman, except we know she'd crumble under a lasso of truth.

You know who doesn't crumble? ChIvy. She's cool under pressure, no matter how hot it gets. Dare I say, she's Icy Hot. We'll save Serena's outfit for later, but thoughts on Icy Hot's off-shoulder dress? She has the apparent mandatory gold, which I'm groovin to, but the skin-toned outfit itself can be considered a hit or miss.

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's King Midas's gold mistress! It's the alternate Bond villian from "Goldfinger!" It's... yeah the comments are endless here but really, only Serena can pull off an outfit like this. As for her hair, it's a fan-interactive segement this week on YKYLF, so insert your own electrical socket joke here.

The award of the night? It must go to CeCe and her effortlessly cool metallic jumpsuit. May I look half as good when I'm 70-ish (except, you know, more like a dude and less like a woman).

Eventually, the shiz goes down... as Max tries to expose ChIvy for who she really is. With that top he looks less like a scheming blackmailer and more like he's going to teach English 101 at the local SUNY college.

But Icy Hot doesn't care about the money - she has a family now, which is worth much more to her.

"I'm a Rhodes now," she says, which means that bitch is basically untouchable (and bitch is the new black. Or purple. Or maroon?)

Mini Recap: Rhodes to Perdition

Carol rolls into town to help Chivy get money, Max proves himself to be the worst blackmailer ever, and Cece has a heart condition (so help me, Gossip Girl, if you kill Cece I will stage an Occupy Warner Brothers protest). Also, Blair's trying to learn Chuck's secret to being not terrible (it involves leaving expensive jewelry on stoops), Nate puts on a business suit and pretends to be a real boy, and Dan spends his free time responding to internet commenters (shocking absolutely no one).

Party du Jour
A Studio 54 anniversary party in Cece's honor attended solely by Rhodes clan. Apparently, they blew their budget on sequins and couldn't afford any extras.

Best Line
Dorota: "Maybe he Freaky Friday with Mr. Chuck? They struck by lightning at same time or pee in the same fountain?" Such a totally absurd line, it goes back around to hilarious and awesome.

Best Outfit
This was an episode full of gorgeous disco gear. At last, Serena's low necklines and high slits are appropriate for an occasion (although her hair made her look super crazy). All the Rhodes women were rocking the 70s looks for the party, but the real winner is the eternally fabulous Cece. With her feathered hair and perfectly-tailored jumpsuit, it's easy to believe that Ryan O'Neal settled for Farrah after Cece turned him down.

Headshaker
Last week, Kate asked if Blair was going to start wearing muumuus. This week, we have our answer: an unabashed, emphatic "Yes, yes she is." This red tent monstrosity is a crime against fabric. It is where logic, reason and hope go to die. I cannot deal with this being Blair's wardrobe all season, so my new theory is that this is not actually Blair. Instead, it's Blair's evil twin Blehr, and our Blair Bear is actually wandering Europe with amnesia. That is the only reasonable explanation for why she's been wearing the worst clothing imaginable.

Check back Thursday for the full recap from Matt!