The Big Sleep No More - Part 1 of 2: The Spectators

Episode Synopsis: Blair's determined to prove that Chuck's just pretending to be reformed, so she spends the episode being our loveable, clinically insane Blair Bear. Meanwhile, Nate's upset with Diana, so he goes out with Chivy instead. This goes over particularly well with Diana. Complicating matters is the reappearance of Max, Chivy's ex-boyfriend, who has a meet-cute with Serena. The episode culminates at a performance of Sleep No More, which is a real thing. Diana spends the performance proving she has nothing better to do than meddle in the lives of a bunch of 20 year olds. Chivy kisses Max after Diana tells her it's Nate, Blair manipulates Chuck into kissing her to prove he's still Old Chuck, and Serena reacts to being stood up by pouting. The episode culminates with Max seeing Chivy on Gossip Girl, and it's looking like her secret might be coming out sooner rather than later. Oh, and Diana's in cahoots with Nate's grandfather.

I know Chivy's not pretending to pull a Single White Female anymore, but she's still working a lot of Serena's style into her day to day wardrobe. Of course, unlike Serena, Chivy knows how to dress for work. 

The two Rhodes girls, on their way to work. I know it might look like Serena's working the corner outside Chivy's office, but they're going to the same meandering plotline. Chivy's Missoni sweater and cowl neck top are cute, young, and perfect for ... whatever it is she does. Serena, on the other hand, is wearing a wildly unflattering high-waist skirt and a vest that is trimmed with what I am pretty sure is a feather boa. 

Come on, Chivy. The only way you could avoid your ex-boyfriend was to make out with your boss's boytoy? You couldn't just bend down to adjust your shoe, or look in your purse so your hair blocks your face? I know Nate's foxy, and normally his mouth would be as good a disguise as any, but you have to know you're going to end up on Gossip Girl for it.

I do have to hand it to her, though. She's got the messy Serena side braid thing down, and I really like the chunky ring.

This is a fantastic dress, although I spent most of Chivy's scenes afraid that she was going to experience a wardrobe malfunction. But, in general, it feels very flapper-esque, and I love the pattern on it. Plus, it's sparkly, and that's about all it takes to win me over.

Oh, Serena. Nothing about this outfit is good, except maybe the fact that it's not see-through. The high waist skirt from the first picture is hovering somewhere around the Old Man Latitude, creating a stumpy torso and a dangerously short hemline. While Chivy's chunky stone necklace was kind of funky, Serena's necklace looks like a prop from the Flintstone movie.

And then, of course, there's the boa, which apparently provides enough warmth to let her roam the streets of Manhattan in a tank top when most other people are wearing sweaters and tights.

It's rare that we get to see shoes on TV, and this episode has been full of them. I'm not a fan of Serena's dress, but these shoes are pretty awesome.

The dress, on the other hand, is desperately lacking. Very Serena, of course - cleavage-baring with a chance of macaron exposure - but otherwise uninspired.

Speaking of uninspired ...

A blue shirt that's wrinkled, untucked, and looks like it was pulled off the bedroom floor? How revolutionary. You're going to the office. At least hang your shirt in the bathroom while you shower, to give it a quick steaming. I can't imagine why Diana wouldn't want to be seen out in public with you.

Oh, I'm sorry Nate. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Don't go off pouting with your big boy briefcase, which I'm pretty sure is filled with comic books and candy bars, like Michael Scott's.

If there's one thing Nate does well - and, when it comes to clothes, there really is only one thing - it's mixing jeans with blazers and button downs. It's a nice reminder that Nate can, on occasion, clean himself up.

I don't have a lot to say about Max, other than: is it just me, or does he remind anyone else of Kris Humphries?

A scene opens on a torso. Can you gues whose it is?

Yup. Diana in yet another skintight dress. At least this one isn't shiny and is a little looser in the skirt. In fact, I'm about to say something nice about Diana's dress for a change: I actually like the lacing up the sides of the arms. And I like the color. Her cougarwear might be wearing me down.

Her plotline may be pointless and her wardrobe redundant, but man, Elizabeth Hurley is remarkably well-preserved.

You know you're an important businesswoman when you can take time out of your busy schedule to manipulate your boytoy and all his friends. How does she have nothing better to do with herself? Why is Nate so important to her? Why is she wearing yet another shiny spandex dress?

We may never get that last question answered, but at least we know why she's involved with Nate:

Oh yes. It's Grandfather Vanderbilt, pulling strings like the puppetmaster he continues to be. Until we're given evidence to the contrary, my new theory is that Grandfather Vanderbilt is Gossip Girl.

The Big Sleep No More - Part 2 of 2: Everyone Else

I love when an episode opens with one of Blair's dream sequences. In this case, she's Audrey Hepburn from Sabrina, and Chuck is playing Humphrey Bogart's Linus.

 

I don't care what Sabrina says, I love men in white jackets at night. Particularly when paired with a black bowtie, champagne, and some bad boy charm.

Blair's sleepwear never fails to impress. It's not the negligee she used to sleep in, but the girl's pregnant, so I'm going to cut her some slack. Plus, in the event of a fire, she can throw this on over some skinny jeans and look cute for the paparazzi as she flees the burning building.

I have to rescind much of what I said in the mini-recap. Upon a second, viewing, there were a lot of clothes that had potential for "Best Outfit." This dress is really cute, particularly with the dark tights. I always thought the best you could hope for with leopard print was "non-offensive," but apparently it can look downright classic when it's black and white. I still wish it were more fitted, but since Blair's caught Louis's tailoring allergy, this might be the best we can get.

I am not on board with the hat, though. It's in bad taste to feed the ducks when you're accessorizing with feathers.

Again, on rewatching (and a little Photoshop lightening), I really like this dress. Maybe I like it partly because, at this point, I'm just happy to see Blair in something form-fitting. Of course, they could have at least thrown in a tiny baby bump, or padded her a little. Leighton is tiny. She has a little Barbie waist. There is nowhere for her to store a baby.

Until they start giving her a baby bump, I'm going to assume she's pulling a Teri Schuester and pretending to be pregnant, because Blair loves to self-sabotage in the most insane ways.

I love the banding embellishments around the neckline and the arms. I'm not sure about the rest of the embellishment patterns, because even Photoshop couldn't lighten these images enough for me to make a final decision, but this dress has definitely made up for some of the more lackluster offerings from Blair's pregnancy. I'm not excusing those dresses (or those awful brown pants), but at least she's reminding me of why I once coveted her closet.

I am beginning to suspect that Chuck might have completely lost his mind. Exhibit A: Chuck is touching a duck. No sane person would touch a Central Park duck - at least, not with their bare hands. And not with that big of a smile.

Exhibit B: Chuck is wiping his hand on his suit. Yeah. Think about that for a second. And it's not a fluke, either. He wipes his hand on his suit repeatedly. I know he can get it cleaned and everything, but he's still walking around in it for the rest of the day, covered in duck cooties.

But, because he's Chuck, he still manages to pull together a sharp outfit in the midst of madness. Another classic Chuck suit. He's rapidly redeeming himself for his terrible Wall Street wardrobe from a couple seasons ago.

Again, how did I miss this for Best Outfit? This is a suit covered in fleurs-de-lis, with a purple oxford, purple tie, and purple socks.

And a matching vest. Yeah, that's right. A three piece fleurs-de-lis suit. I rarely use this term, but how pimp is that?

And, of course, Blair's Venn Diagram comparing Old and New Chuck. It sums his character up pretty well, except for the overlap - I refuse to believe that Chuck Bass likes cheap liquor or anything less than 800 thread count sheets.

Oh, Rufus. You were doing so well, right up until you got to the hem of your jeans. Yes, those are nice shoes, but we don't need to see the tops of them. Unroll your pants, you're not in Brooklyn anymore.

I was so excited to see Lily. This season has been lacking in Upper East Side iciness. And once I saw her petal pink top, I was excited to see the rest of her outfit.

Sure, the huge ring is kind of random, but it's Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey. She knows what she's doing.

Or so I thought.

"Hm," I thought to myself. "It's a dress. And it's kind of roomy. I'm not sure how I feel about this development."

Oh, Lily, no. You're better than that. Is Lily pregnant and they just haven't bothered to tell us? Is she incubating Blair's baby for the evening while Blair goes out in a tight dress? Why is this happening? I'm so confused and frightened.

There's only person who can properly express my feelings right now. I know she's on another show, but I think it's time to call in a SideEye Strike for Lily and her tent dress.

When I saw Lily's dress, at first I was like this:

But then I was like this:

Don't let it happen again, Lily.

Mini Recap: The Big Sleep No More

Blair's determined to prove that Chuck's still the same old Bass. Chivy's ex Max is in town, and he's doing the meet-cute with Serena. And, of course, Diana is way too involved in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders.

Party du Jour
A production of Sleep No More, which is actually a real thing.

Best Line
Dorota: "You really think pillows under covers trick me? You lumpier now." Dorota's the best.

Best Outfit
Is it just me, or has this season been a bit lackluster in the wardrobe department? I'm going with a tie between Blair's Sleep No More dress and Chivy's, only because both were sparkly and, much like a magpie, I am drawn to shiny things. But Chivy's dress seemed several sizes too big, and I could barely see Blair's dress, so this is a begrudging "Best Outfit."

Headshaker
Serena's daywear, at left. Sure, the skirt made her legs seem miles long, but the rest of the look was wildly unflattering. And, more importantly: Is that a feather boa? The pelt of a Muppet she killed with nothing more than the heel of her Louboutin? Whatever it was, it apparently provided her with enough warmth to withstand a walking tour of the city when everyone else was wearing sweaters.

Check back Thursday for a recap from me, Amanda!