Yes, Then Zero - Part 1 of 2 - East Coast

Episode Recap: Serena is still in LA pretending to be a lowely production assistant. Despite buying pot for the now-sober male lead of the movie, Serena somehow lands a promotion, so she might be staying west of the Hudson for a while. Nate, Chuck, and their yacht are also in LA. Chuck spends the episode being manically reckless, while Nate ends up bedding a much older woman (Elizabeth Hurley). Pretty standard for those two. Back on the UES, Blair is fighting a losing battle with Princess Sophie for control of the wedding. Louis won't stand up to his mother, because that would cause conflict and he's far too boring for that. This sends Blair into crazy-must-destroy-everything mode, and she nearly calls off the engagement to run away with Dan (who has learned that his book is going to be published, complete with top-secret Blair information). But the most important thing is that our suspicions from last spring were confirmed...our little Blair Bear is with cub.

Poor Blair has finally realized why the only mothers in fairy tales are wicked stepmothers.  

My favorite thing about this scene is Leighton's posture: she's totally hunched over, Jenny Humphrey-style. She's frustrated and a little petulant, and also totally defeated. She is, however, wearing a really cute dress. I love the cut of the dress on her, and I don't even mind the random hip handkerchief. I can't figure out the pattern, though. Are those flags? Is she that excited to go to the UN? And seriously, why is she so excited to go to the UN? The girl grew up on the UES, I have a hunch she's been around a few dignitaries before.

Also, B, skirt's a little short for a future princess. If you're trying to keep your pregnancy a secret, you might want to go with a hemline that falls below your uterus. Just saying.

Blair might be all about committed relationships, but I have a theory that her hair hates monogamy.

Whenever she's in a relationship, her hair becomes dull and lifeless.

  

Look at that hair. It is sad hair. Remember how, in Free Willy, Willy's bent dorsal fin was a sign that he was depressed? It's just like that, only replace "bent dorsal fin" with "dry, overprocessed and flat hair."

Of course, as soon as she starts to consider breaking up with Louis, her hair springs to life again. It's like the follicular version of Barney Stinson.

Her wardrobe, however, remains unsullied (for now). This dress was, hands-down, my favorite dress of the episode.  

I love the flower print and the structured bodice, and the full skirt is a classic retro-Blair shape. I will say, though, her clothes are awfully tight for a woman who's six weeks pregnant. 

Oh, the UN dress. I'm so conflicted on this one. On the one hand, her hair and makeup are absolutely gorgeous. She is wearing sassy pink shoes. I will be dreaming about her necklace for years. She looks like a princess. Green is a great color on Leighton, and she doesn't get to wear it often enough.

 

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that the pattern on the dress was inspired by the wallpaper in a Tiki bar. This is a sticking point for me - every time I start to think "Well, the dress does do a nice job of being full without fluffy," another voice chimes in with, "But seriously, what's up with the palm fronds?" Then I'm just left feeling confused and scared. 

I was really expecting Sophie's wedding dress to be awful, but I have to say ... if you're going to be sentenced to wearing royal hand-me-downs, you could do a lot worse than this dress.

It's way more modern than most of the standard puffy wedding dresses out there. Although, this dress will not be near as forgiving when she's five months pregnant at the wedding. Given Princess Sophie's insistence that Blair carry carnations because it's "tradition," I can't wait to see how she reacts to a royal shotgun wedding.

Mother of the bride Eleanor has finally stopped dressing like she's the mother of the bride.  

Gone are the shiny grey tops, replaced by boardroom-appropriate button downs and slacks. It's still not what you'd expect out of a world-rewnowned fashion designer, but at least it's a step up. The top is nothing special, but I do love how it pairs with her chunky chain link necklace.

Again, nothing special, but at least Eleanor's wearing colors. The yellow top has potential, and if it weren't so ill-fitting I'd be raving about it. But, as fellow YKYLF staffer Lesley-Anne would say, golf claps for wearing a yellow top.

Hey, look guys, it's Louasfdlkja;sdfkjs;fadiwaer

Sorry, just the sight of Louis puts me to sleep. If the Humphrey men have boring wardrobes, Louis's wardrobe is the equivalent of watching paint dry. A light, neutral button down, possibly with a checkered print? Yup. Khakis or stiff, never-been-worn jeans? Yup. About as much character development as a Disney prince? Yup. The only reason to include him was because I can't get over how poorly his clothes are tailored.

Louis is really going crazy with this powder blue sportcoat. All I have to say is, it's a good thing that Chuck's on the other coast at the moment, because Chuck's neckerchief would put Louis's Dad jeans to shame.  

Really,  Louis? You're a freaking prince. Buy a tux that fits. That poor jacket is being drawn and quartered. It's just cruel. And press your pants. Forget the fact that you're a prince - you're engaged to Blair Waldorf. That alone is reason enough to press your pants and hire a competent tailor. 

No. Bad Princess. Bad. No greys. 

And finally, the Humphrey men. I'm grouping them together because ... well, Rufus and Dan are beginning to dress even more alike.

I have to say, Rufus is looking pretty trim. Lily's house arrest has been good for him, apparently. And Dan's t-shirt might not be anything special, but he looks good. Different.  At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but then ...

 

DAN WAXED HIS CHEST. There is no shag carpetting creeping out of his buttondown. I don't have anything against chest hair, but it was getting to be a bit much. And again, loving the yellow. The button-up style works on Dan - for starters, the shirt fits him. Then again, he's not a prince, so maybe he's allowed to wear oxfords that fit.

Yes, Then Zero - Part 2 of 2 - West Coast

Serena is a strange creature. She spends winters in New York pantsless, but opts for maxi skirts in LA, in the summer.

 
She's also big on chunky necklaces this year. I'm pretty sure I saw those turquoise samples in my mineralogy class today. I will say, I was shocked when I saw this outfit - the twins are covered, she can exit the golf cart without a wardrobe malfunction ... it's almost practical. Maybe being on the west coast means a new Serena. A changed Serena. 

Or not.

Through the whole scene, I was genuinely concerned that Serena was about to share her macaron with everyone on set. I will say, this dress is cute (or would be, if it were half an inch longer). But I've been an intern at a production company. You know what this dress is not practical for? Unjamming the demon copier for the fifteenth time while your boss demands to know why the rewrites haven't been coallated yet.

Also, two chunky necklaces, S? Just because Vanessa left you her jewerly box when she fled to Barcelona doesn't mean you're obligated to wear any of it.

And just like that, we're back to the maxi dress and I don't have to live in fear of becoming the unofficial van der Woodsen OBGYN. I'm digging this whole look for S, it's very California-chic (or what I've been told is California-chic, I've rarely seen it for myself). I particularly love the raspberry color on her - Eric Daman is rocking the color choices this ep, I have to say.

 

Not rocking? Serena's dry, overprocessed, Jenny Humphrey hair. What has happened to the hair on this show? First Blair's glorious, full head of hair became flat and lifeless. Now Serena's hair has gone from gorgeous and beachy to unbrushed and in desperate need of some Morroccan Oil. This gives me the sads, you guys. It makes my soul hurt.

Remember when her hair used to look like this? I miss this.  

Oh wait, sorry. That's actually Ivy, who is waitressing in LA - or was, until she ran into Serena and immeditely slipped back into Charlie-mode. How is Ivy out-van der Woodsening Serena van der Woodsen?

Nate's wardrobe doesn't even warrant mentioning. Fortunately, there's always Chuck to pick up the sartorial slack. In fact, I am staunchly pro-Chuck's new look. What does it entail? I'm glad you asked.

A relaxed oxford in what appears to be a natural fabric. A perfectly aged motorcycle jacket that he probably paid an X-Games biker to break in. Jeans or light pants. And, of course, a neckerchief. Why? Because he's Chuck Bass.

Ugh. Remember that time when Chuck had amnesia and called himself "Henry Prince" and pretended to be a pauper? I'm pretty sure he wore this the entire time he was bussing tables in Paris. The jacket makes me excuse the shirt, but I'm choosing to ignore the skinny leg jeans that have been cuffed to an awkward old man length.

I need a fashion palette cleanser.

Thank you, Chuck. That's exactly what I needed. Buttery yellow with a red neckerchief? Only you could make it work, and I am more than okay with it. Please keep rocking your LA look when you return to NY. Your wardrobe has been reinvigorated. Don't return to your day trader suits.

Don't give me that look. It's the truth. Look at you. You're magnificent! If I didn't know better, I'd say you were wearing this outfit specifically to show up Prince Louis. Don't be ashamed. Don't hide your neckerchief under a bushel. Return to New York looking like Thurston Howell III, because this is the fifth season and it's time to mix things up a little.

And on that note, it's time for someone to make her dramatic entrance ... 

Hm. I'm getting the sense that she might be a cougar who preys upon our dear, naive Nate. It's just a hunch, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that she has ulterior motives that will be revealed in a dramatic manner by episode 3.

I'm not psychic, I'm just picking up on the show's subtle clues. Of course, the leopard print bodycon dress wasn't my only hint. Here's what Elizabeth Hurley wore in her next scene: 

Oh yeah. She's going to play our poor, beautiful Nate like a very dumb fiddle.

Mini Recap: Yes, Then Zero

The LA crowd: Serena is an assistant's assistant, Nate is shagging Elizabeth Hurley, and Chuck is acting like Bella from Twilight that time she wanted to die so she could see Edward. In NY, Louis refuses to stand up to his mother, which would normally be the plot of a bad romcom but instead just flips Blair's crazy-switch. Of course, that could also be the hormones, because Blair is with child. Is it a Bass, a Humphrey, spawn of the boring prince, or immaculate conception? We may never know (or we'll know by next week).

Party du Jour
A little tricky since the crew's on two coasts. Nate and Serena went to a very Entourage party, but the real dress-up occasion was Blair's plan to crash a UN speech.

Best Line
Blair: "Aren't you done out there? Los Angeles is a plastic surgery layover, not somewhere you live."

Best Outfit
I loved Blair's floral strapless "royal apology" dress, but her UN dress was a lovely cut on her (albeit a strange, strange print).

Headshaker
Serena's first work outfit. As a former office PA, I can tell you that a skirt with a very high slit in the front is not conducive to fixing the copier that has decided to eat the day's rewrites.

Your YKYLF GG editor (me, Amanda!) will be back for the full recap on Thursday, complete with Vegas-style odds for Blair's baby dady.