The Kids Stay in the Picture - Part 1 of 3 - The Royalty

Episode Synopsis:  The Upper East Side is all a-twitter over Lily’s impending sentencing for forging Serena’s signature on the affidavit, though the entire family spends the entire day obsessing instead over the Taschen Modern Royalty book, which the Rhodes women are being included in.  Big surprise:  the “Florida bohemian” half of the Rhodes family arrives, ostensibly to support Lily during these trying times, but everyone knows better, including a more devious than ever CeCe.  Chuck is also to be photographed,  initially singling representing the Bass name but he really yearns to put hotels and Eastern European trollops and Dan Humphrey in the past and finally claim Blair as his family.  Also present at the photo shoot:  Vanessa, for what reason, nobody is really sure—oh right, so they can claim she’s still a series regular; Epperly, returned from her yoga retreat in Bali with her belief in love renewed; and even stranger, Dr. Van der Woodsen, who spends the day skulking in corners and trying to piss off a caveman-esque Rufus.

It’s no surprise that the Rhodes women are considered “modern royalty”—or that the men in their lives aren’t included.  After all, the male halves seem to be rather fleeting.

CeCe, the glorious Rhodes matron, never disappoints (and looks better than ever!).  When she first appears, she descends to earth to greet her inferiors in a halo of Chanel light.

The fabric of her matching skirt and jacket suit looks positively celestial, with the interwoven silver strands, accented by the tasteful beading on the jacket lapel.  Pair it with the cream silk blouse and diamond and pearl earrings the size of doorknobs and you understand why the phrase “bow down, bitches,” was practically invented for Cecelia Rhodes.

When I’m CeCe’s advanced age, I can only hope I wear my still-blond hair long, with this much aplomb.

But what an ugly potato sack of a dress. The cut is just unflattering and that collar looks like it belongs on a set of tennis whites from the ‘70s.

The brooch is even a little dated, and the hair is even more so—taking CeCe all the way to matronly, which she didn’t even veer towards in a classic Chanel suit.  I much prefer her hair loose and soft, versus this overly styled, helmet of aquanet curls.

Oh no.  What have you done to our glorious goddess?  The color is the only good part of this sky blue blouse.  The fit is loose and bulky, making it look like her chest is falling to her knees—which might be true, but Cecelia Rhodes would never let anybody see that, especially if she knew she was going to be photographed for posterity.

Lily, despite nearly being sent up to the “big house,” is really the graceful, classy epitome of modern royalty—at least if you take her wardrobe.

She’s still enamored of neutrals, but she wears them so beautifully that it’s hard to hate on her for it.

The most color Lily dons all episode, this blush ruffle collar blouse is incredibly flattering, with just the right touch of youth.  Her accessories are flawless—the necklace is particular is gorgeous and is the perfect amount of edgy to go with the airy innocence of the blouse.

Even her reading glasses coordinate with the milky stones at her ears.  A consummate dresser, Lily either has a stylist on retainer or she was the born with the same heavenly power that CeCe still shows flashes of.

For the photo shoot, Lily continues to epitomize royalty in this black cocktail gown.

The simple, almost austere lines fit her body perfectly, and I love the edgy neckline.  Even more, I love her hair and makeup.

I might even go as far as to say she’s never looked more beautiful, which is appropriate considering the occasion she’s dressed for.  If you’re going to be immortalized as modern royalty, you might want to look the part.

I wanted to bitch about this gray wool drape dress that Lily wears to the second, much more impromptu photo shoot, but it’s hard when it flatters her so beautifully.

Rarely does one see an outfit on Gossip Girl and think, “wow that looks so comfortable!”  This does—and looks cozy, too.  But since this is Lily Rhodes Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey, she glams it up with that intricate crystal beaded necklace and very simple makeup.

And don’t forget the killer snakeskin t-strap pumps.  A woman’s never fully dressed without stilettos.

Serena, the youngest generation of Rhodes women to be represented in the modern royalty portrait, struggles to understand the concept of “royalty”.

That’s the only conclusion I came come to after witnessing the above monstrosity.

That might be my grandmother’s afghan that used to lie on the back of her couch, and from the looks if it, Serena’s decided to fashion it into a cardigan that my grandfather would be proud to own.

Combine that with the most hideous shade of maroon leggings Serena could find, and you have an outfit that practically screams “royalty.”

Or not.

Really, it’s too bad Serena ever took her coat off, because it’s a massively significant improvement over the cardigan sweater-dress.

The patchwork tweeds are sharp and flattering, especially paired with the dark scarf and brown leather bag.

After that outfit, it’s hard to have any faith that Serena will be anything resembling presentable for the photo shoot.

And I’m shocked speechless.  Just when you think all the style genes in her body have been sucked out by hanging out so much in Brooklyn and with ex-cons, Serena pulls out a fairy tale ensemble that has me believing all over again.

Even the hair and makeup is a huge improvement over her regular, bedhead style.

The nearly-retro wave she’s sporting is very flattering and the makeup is even better.  She should go out like this all the time.  Well, maybe without the ten pounds of folded satin and ruffles sprouting out of her midsection.

That’s my only real complaint about this dress—it’s a little overly designed and the ruffle section seems like an afterthought to the rest of the gown.

I totally get where Eric Daman was going with the white fur stole, but unfortunately it pushes this whole outfit into costume-y territory.  She still looks beautiful but more like a caricature of what we could expect Serena might look like.

Oh, Serena.

You take two steps forward only to take ten back.  I’m afraid to break the news that your coat looks like it might be molding—or is it molting?  Hard to say.

Also, is that an ace bandage you’re wearing around your neck? Or maybe an old tube top you fashioned into a scarf?

However, it goes beautifully with those earrings that look straight out of an exhibit on the Russian royal jewels.

But then lookin at the whole sweater, I’m befuzzled, S.  Did you get into a fight with an evil cappuccino machine?  Did it claw your sweater to bits?  Fashion the neckline into a noose?  The color, however, is lovely on you.  That’s the one positive in a sea of bizarre choices and even stranger stylistic furbelows on this sweater.

After the beauty and style and wacky that is the Rhodes women, the Van der Woodsen men can’t help but be a raging disappointment.

I have to admit that Dr. William Van der Woodsen confuses the living hell out of me.

I was under the impression he was a billionaire doctor playboy—not a used car salesman who bathes in a vat of grease.

His clothes are ill-fitting and devoid of any style whatsoever.  I find it impossible to believe that he bought them anywhere other than Ross or JC Penny’s.  That shirt under the jacket is so unfortunate that I can’t even talk about it.

The suit he wears to the photo shoot is a vague improvement, but he still needs to lay off the pomade.

This...I can’t even talk about.  My grandfather wears an outfit extremely similar to this when we go to the lunch buffet at Sizzler.  William Van der Woodsen isn’t supposed to look like he even knows what a Sizzler is.

Sorry, Doctor, but I’ve got to give the W to Rufus, who we’ll analyze a bit later.  But I will add that he at least knows what a loafer is.  You, on the other hand, look like you wear socks with your Tevas.

Eric, Eric, Eric.  I wish that I could truly believe that you’ve traded in your entire snappy wardrobe for Rufus’ hand-me-down plaid shirts.  I know he was trying to save them from being turned into cleaning rags, but forcing them on your new stepson is taking it too far.

The best thing I can say is that it fits him well, and the colors aren’t unflattering, at least.

A bit less traditional on the coloration of the plaid—I like the red in this, but it’s still just a plaid shirt at the end of the day.

Even for the photo shoot, Eric keeps it horribly blah.  I find it difficult to believe that when you have the style of the Rhodes women at your disposal, the Van der Woodsen money to spend, and the lifestyle to make good fashion choices, this is what you choose.

Eric needs a Chuck Bass intervention STAT.

The Kids Stay in the Picture - Part 2 of 3 - The Lovers

After her “life-changing” kiss with Dan, Blair spends a week in bed with “consumption.”   This is a reaction I can both understand and get behind, because if I kissed a Humphrey, I’d feel just about the same way.

Of course, even feeling under the weather, Blair still sports fabulous silk pajamas and eye mask.

If you thought the Chinese painting print on those was gorgeous, wait until you see this flowered pair.

J’adore the luxurious-looking, old-fashioned rose pattern paired with the dusky pink robe.

Of course, when Blair gets a call from Epperly that her bullying expertise is required on the Taschen Modern Royalty photoshoot, even consumption can’t keep our fashion dominatrix down.

Love the full skirt with its slight pouf, paired with the bright red patterned blouse and intricately woven and beaded jacket. So Blair. 

The only complaint I have is that the bright clear red of the blouse and the dull maroon accents on the jacket don’t complement each other all that well.

On the other hand, her hair makes up for this slight defect by its sheer fabulosity.  For almost an entire season now, Blair’s hair has been uncharacteristically flat and lifeless.  This is a glorious return to old-Blair form.

Dan isn’t pining in quite the same way Blair is—AKA he’s pining for Blair herself, not for Chuck.  Does that explain his return to plaid shirts?  Is there some modicum of comfort to be found in such old standbys?

Good thing it appears he has more than enough to wrap himself in because Blair is clearly moving on past her temporary stop in Brooklyn.

Dan’s apparently been so affected by our UES Princess that he actually believes that Blair has pulled strings and had him added to the Taschen book.

Blair does comment that this is a nice suit—the sweet lie is uncharacteristic of her because this most definitely isn’t a nice suit.  It’s boring and plain, like everything that Dan wears.  I miss the shawl collar sweater he broke out when he worked at W.

Maybe Blair was too distracted by the hair creeping down his forehead to really notice his suit.  I think it’s trying to reach paradise—Dan’s nest of chest hair.

Chuck, the other (and actually legitimate) claimant to the Queen B’s heart, is about as opposite as Dan Humphrey as you can possible get.  Take this excessively stylish velvet smoking robe jacket and silk pajama pants. Channeling Hugh Hefner much?

So dapper, so suave.  That crimson velvet looks like a return to old Chuck Bass style.  With Blair’s curls returning, I suppose such a move is expecting (and very welcome, I might add).

Unfortunately, Chuck then changes into his normal parade of perfectly matched and fitted, but ultimately boring, power suits.

Love the wide stripe on the navy blue jacket, and the rich pattern of his mauve tie

For a Chuck Bass power suit, this plaid pattern is actually quite unique and the light blue paisley tie is gorgeous.

But it’s at the photo shoot for Taschen that Chuck really returns to his old ways.

It’s a cravat!  And a belted tuxedo jacket, complete with royal emblem!

Of course Chuck Bass has a royal emblem—and naturally he would want to show it off to its prime advantage.  Never mind that with all that black, he looks like he should be giving some poor schmuck cement shoes.

Nate’s storyline is not only excessively snooze-worthy, but his wardrobe is even worse. Is he even worth mentioning anymore?

It’s my opinion that wardrobe should just be done away with entirely for our young Mr. Archibald.  This shot would have been so much better without that pesky shirt.

And if he’s going to wear a shirt the color of his skin, just let him wear his skin, for goodness sake!

Lastly, if you’re going to include an image of Nate bringing a girl breakfast in bed, why would you have him fully clothed in plaid pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt?

I bet you that nobody would accuse Nate of being such a snoozer if we saw a little more skin.  Just saying.

Raina, on the other hand, seems to delight in showing as much skin as possible.  Maybe between the two of them they’re trying to even out the ratio to something resembling a normal level.

Actually this bright green robe was really quite flattering on her.  It’s a very distinctive color but she wears it well.

Unfortunately, it’s after this that she pulls out all the stops in the most skin-baring outfit of hers to date.

If I was Nate, I wouldn’t be so concerned about Raina’s mother.  I’d be more worried that she can actually breathe in this excessively tight lilac bandage dress.  Also, she might catch Blair’s consumption because pretty much all of her chest is exposed to the supposedly frigid New York air.

Those silver earrings look like something Lily might start crafting and selling in the big house a la Martha Stewart.  Not a great look for Raina.

Her navy blue silk chemise is pretty and actually, for Raina anyway, pretty classy.  I do wish though that she would let her hair breathe a little, and wear it wavier, like she had been the last few episodes.  It’s so severe when it’s that straight, and it makes her look more than a little uptight and bitchy.

The Kids Stay in the Picture - Part 3 of 3 - The Outsiders

We’ve been hearing about Aunt Carol in Florida from the very inception of Gossip Girl, but we’ve never seen her (at least at her current age), or known that she has a daughter.  This episode marked Carol and Charlie’s debut episode.

Carol, Lily’s older sister and the “bohemian” of the family, was not really a surprise style-wise.  Every single time the costume department wants to make a point that someone dresses “different” than the norm on the UES, they go way overboard (i.e. Vanessa and Jenny).  And Aunt Carol is following that pattern...

That long, frumpy sad black coat with sad looking gray crochet scarf.  This isn’t bohemian, Eric Daman, it’s just depressing.  Like...funeral depressing.

Under the ugly coat, there is not much that’s better.

It’s hard to tell whether this is a dress or a blouse and skirt, but whichever it is, it’s still ugly, colorless and shapeless.  That’s a combination that should never happen.  Even sprucing it up with about twenty necklaces borrowed from Vanessa and Mr. T’s gold chain collection doesn’t help.  

We never get to see what Carol would have worn to the photo shoot, but I’m guessing it was probably a hell of a lot better than this gray mess. 

Is it tie-dye? Did it accidentally get bleached in the washer?!  If you can even think for a half second that something you’re wearing is tie-dyed (and you're over 40), then you’re automatically in a bad place.

Pair this sad, shapeless gray tunic dress with a long, shapeless gray cardigan and you have a recipe for instant disaster—tie-dyed or no.

Charlie is Carol’s 18 year old daughter and Serena’s cousin.  She has a weirdly maniacal Juliet-like air about her, but whether she’s a psycho stalker with drugs remains to be seen.

Charlie was supposed to be raised apart from the whole world of the Upper East Side; so why does she look like a mini Serena clone...before her makeover?  This coat is very similar to one Serena wore this episode. The purple gloves are a great splash of color and even the brown leather satchel is undeniably trendy.

Of course, Serena hooks her blond bombshell claws into Charlie and “ruins” her.

I’m shocked Serena didn’t challenge her cousin to a duel over this dress—it looks like something Serena would be dying to fill out in all sorts  inappropriate.  Maybe even wear it on a date with a teacher or whatever male authority figure is the flavor of the week.  Charlie does admittedly look pretty great in it.

Hair, though, is gorgeous and a huge improvement over the flat-ironed mess from earlier.

To announce to her mother that she won’t be returning to Florida, and will stay in New York to emulate Serena in every way possible, Charlie unsurprisingly dons an outfit that must have been take from Serena's closet.

...because only Serena would own a sweater that covers up less skin than a t-shirt.

Paired with tight jeans, boots, and tousled blond waves and this could literally be Serena from the back.

Aunt Carol observes that Rufus is trying to go native, even to the point he’s wearing loafers.  I don’t think the Rufus of a few years ago even knew what loafers were and now he’s sporting them and a purple zip-up sweater like he stepped out of the womb in them!

What were Epperly and Vanessa doing in this episode and at the photo shoot?  Who knows, but at least Epperly knows to dress to kill when she shows up.

The fitted charcoal skirt and blazer, with the patterned blouse underneath, is very flattering to her figure.  The blouse is a little busy, but with such plain other pieces, we will definitely give her an A for effort.

Hair looks amazing, but the jewelry is a little suspicious, like a certain Brooklynite has been prowling the set.

Oh wait.

She was.

I want to congratulate Vanessa for finally figuring out that when mixing patterns, using tones in the same color palette is important.  She got close here, but again, she’s still so far away.

That sweater is a weirdly unfortunate mix of dark purple and lilac, layered in the oddest way through the sleeves and bodice.  The tunic dress itself wouldn’t be so bad on its own, but this is Vanessa, and she can’t leave well enough alone, so she’s thrown on about a pound of beads.

Plus her hair looks like it could use a conditioning treatment—or ten.

What boggles my mind even more than the dry, brittle consistency of her hair is the fact that she continually hangs around and tries to contact the other characters even though they all clearly loathe her.

The begging voicemail Vanessa leaves Serena while she’s wearing this outfit reaches a new low.  Perhaps that was on purpose, since by wearing that sweater V is proclaiming that she has given up on ever looking decent.

Mini Recap: The Kids Stay in the Picture

Recovering from the aftermath of turning herself in, Lily's sister and her daughter show up. And in true Gossip Girl fashion, Charlie (Lily's niece) has some mysterious secrets in her past that we're dying to find out!

Party du Jour
In a suprising twist, there was no actual party; however, the "Modern Royalty" photo shot was a good excuse to drape one's self in couture. 

Best Line
"You might be upper east side blue blood and I might be Florida bohemian but at bottom the Rhodes' sisters are still bad asses from the valley" --Lily's sister

Best Outfit
Serena's gown for the photo shot (at left). Make-up and hair are perfect as well...for once.  

Headshaker
Nate and Raina's relationship. This plot line needs some serious reconsideration!

Bethany will finally give us some GG love (or not) after its much awaited return! Check back Thursday!