The Kids Are Not Alright - Part 1 of 3 - Blackmail, Brunch, and Beige

Episode Synopsis: You know who's not alright? ME - after watching the most boring Gossip Girl episode in history. In this week’s installment, the dashing and devious Lily decides to quietly sell Bass Industries and get Ben released from jail. But not if Serena and Chuck can help it! Cue the standard deceptive plotting and secrecy. The quiet sale does not occur much to the excitement of Chicago’s big business backstabber Russell Thorpe (and his sexy Wharton alum daughter- wonder if she knows Ivanka? I’d kill to see pictures from the baby shower!). Meanwhile, Nate and his paroled Dad are mind numbing. And almost besties Blair and Dan are both on the hunt for an internship. Blair’s internship search leads her to discover her inner fashion editor/dictator by way of a fight with her mother and narrowly escaping an appointment with Patti Blagojevich. Dan ends up with no internship, no Serena, and a movie date with Blair.

Yay! Serena is back from her foray into the country (complete with a cowgirl hat and a Taylor Swift reference). I think that she looks surprisingly adorable in her Camilla and Marc draped embellished sweater. She paired it effortlessly with a Maxime Simoens burgundy top.  If I were coming home from an Erin Bockovich themed hunt for a crooked judge this is totally what I would wear.

What, too cold for her standard cleavage? Apparently Serena’s New Year’s resolution was to stop dressing like a hooker.

  Chuck is also looking rather conservative this week. I love that he started off the episode in his signature color: purple. He looks so dapper and fabulous in the camel wool Chesterfield coat. The classic detailing and exaggerated topstitching make it eye-catching.

You know what else is eye catching? The flight attendant on the left! Did Chuck just fly in from the Jersey Shore? That overly tan chica looks like she buys her bras at the same lingerie store as JWoww. She looks like a “blast in a glass” and a “holiday” all rolled into one.

Rufus and Lily look positively cozy tucked into their table at Café Boloud. Thank goodness that Chef Daniel decorated with brightly colored paintings, otherwise Team Beige Sweater might have blended right into the creamy walls and brown seating.

Are they depressed because they're fighting or because they're all wearing varying shades of taupe? BORING.

With little to go on other than her poorly cut layers, I have decided to dislike Raina Thorpe. Her mannerisms annoy me, as does her extremely tight wardrobe. Plus, this outfit is teal. Yuck.

Oh! Oh! Pick Me!!! I want to impersonate Lily!!! I’ll take that diamond and her passport.

Lil-rena looks so sophisticated. Why can’t S dress like this all the time? The cream colored Mike Gonzalez Zola funnel neck coat is just striking. Add on the Chanel sunglasses and the Zebra limited edition Cartier bag and it is a full-fledged fashion moment. It’s all so elegant and fabulous that I almost forgot this was the same girl who usually forgets to wear pants.

The Ellie Saab dress with the chic hair and necklace are just too much for me. Lil-rena is causing me to swoon. Too bad all of this intrigue and plotting is worthless. Lily is actually trying to save the day. How could anyone ever doubt her intentions? Anyone with hair that good can’t be bad.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Lily, not to be rude but you look like a Palm Beach granny wearing this embellished woolen suit and oversized shapeless sweater. What time is your Shuffle Board tournament?

Thank goodness Lily got her knitwear situation under control and is back in her sophisticated splendor. I got scared for a minute with visions of Bingo and Church Potlucks dancing in my head.

While I am not the biggest fan of her silver Luisa Beccaria dress (it is a touch FLDS for me), I do appreciate that she is highlighting the current shoulder pad/ long sleeve trend. I think that the layered pearl tassel necklaces make the look. Without them, I fear Lily would resemble a character from Sister Wives.

 

Blah. Rufus is wearing a matching tie. What has become of him? Remember when he was an aging Brooklyn musician? Those days were fun. Now he just trails behind Lilly mutely holding her belongs. Get a coat rack Lilly...they talk less and don’t have children.

I am a little worried about Serena. I'm starting to think that there might be some long- term side effects from when Juliet drugged her and tied her to a bed. She's attending a black tie event yet is not showing off her boobs, butt, or legs. WTF?!?

This ensemble is a completely conservative snoozer. Bring back the inappropriate dresses so I have something to write about! What am I going to say about this unadventurous Rag and Bone coat? The Timo Weiland top and Maxime skirt are attractive. Her RichRocks gunmetal link chain necklaces are tasteful. The Michelle Vale python clutch purse is beautiful and fitting to the occasion. Wake me up when we have a drunken wardrobe malfunction.

 

Who is going to buy Bass Industries? A Hugo Boss clothed Chuck chats with Raina (gag) and her dad Russell Thorpe. Raina’s choppy layers look much better with the curls… but no one is looking at her with the sexpot dress that she is wearing.

This is a little creepy, but I'm getting a strange vibe from the Thorpe family. Russell seems a little grabby with this daughter. At least he looks dashing in a tux.

In this picture Eric and Rufus appear to be dressed for a pity party/ funeral. Are they wearing dark clothes because they're mourning the loss of Rufus pride? Sad trombone- Wah Waaaaaahhhh.

 

After the party, the handsome Chuck drowns his sorrows in alcohol. Drunk on her daddy’s power, sexypants Raina pranced on over to seduce Chuck. Her tight silver number didn’t leave much to the imagination and further sealed my distaste.

Side note: Have you noticed that Serena and Sexypants Raina both do that Duckface pouty lip face?

What is wrong with this picture? Ben is out of jail and Serena seems to have borrowed boots from the devil (seriously- JHump must have left them before she skipped town because she totally wore these in another episode). I do like them, but I hoped that S disinfected them before she wore them. I would hate for her to get Little J’s goth cooties.

I think that Eric Damon is in cahoots with some tartan mill in Scotland. This Burberry wool coat is the second plaid coat that Serena has worn during this episode.

The Kids Are Not Alright - Part 2 of 3 - The Dictator of Fashion and Lonely Boy

If Blair is looking for an internship with Indra Nooyi, I’d suggest she fix up her resume. I guess it's the teacher in me, but I couldn’t help but read it. It is too vague and lists her major as “undecided.” And did you see her volunteer work? What is this falcon thing? Sorry B, I would have a field day with my red pen if you turned this in to me.

On an up note, at least her beautiful Louis Vuitton suit makes for a passing grade. The embellished sleeves play nicely off of the cream silk bow blouse. Her hair and makeup look fabulous too. Now if someone would just pluck those eyebrows…

The job hunt continues downstairs chez Waldrof, with Blair calling on Dorota and the Minions for help. Clad in jewel tone coordinating outfits from what looks like the Contemporary floor at Neiman Marcus, these ladies pull out all the stops. I adore the patterned tights and their matching wavy hair. These Minions actually look sharp and polished. They’re hired!

Flow charts, laptops, fax machines, and smart phones- it’s like a real office. Of course if this were a real office, the Minions would be playing on Facebook in order to avoid finishing the Excel spreadsheet that is due by lunch. I hope Penelope has updated the Skills section of her C.V. accordingly.

Now on to more important things… Dorota, lose the Holly Hobby file folders. Those are the Crazy Cat Lady of office supplies.

 

Eleanor, I know that you are supposed to be a fashion icon. So perhaps you could sass up the outerwear? Don’t get me wrong, I love the cape with the fur collar but perhaps something a little less brown and plaid? She is fading into the woodwork- literally (her outfit blends right into that table behind her).

I think Serena might be rolling her eyes because Dan is wearing a skinny tie. I know S, I totally agree. If Dan would just loose the necktie the rest of his outfit would be perfect. Little Danny is growing up!!! Sadly, he isn’t mature enough to realize that his internship interview should take presidence over waiting around for a girl. Tisk tisk.

Off to hijack her mother’s client fitting, Blair is the epitome of elegance in her belted green Philosophy coat. While the paisley scarf is lovely, my eyes darted over to that Lanvin bag she is carrying. I think I might be suffering from Lanvin lust.

Now if Blair really wanted to make an impact during her faux internship with Waldorf Designs, she would have skipped the meeting with Indra Nooyi and hopped right over to Mrs. Blago. Lord knows Patti needs the help.

Dan, I am sorry to say this but I'm happy you missed your interview. The plaid shirt and the striped tie combo are leaving me cold. I know that it is your Grandfather’s tie, but B is right - it should have gone with him to the grave. I would also like to point out the shirts come in patterns other than plaid. Ever heard of stripes or checks?

I also want to have a brief little chat about your resume. Dropping it off in an unmarked envelope might not be the smartest idea. What if it accidentally gets confused with a forged affadavit discussing an “inappropriate” relationship with a teacher? Those kinds of mixups happen all the time.

 

Over at the Midwest Mogul Party, Blair looks lovely in an Oscar De La Renta Fall 2010 strapless sequined gown. Her Kotur Morley clutch and RichRocks ring are refined. The overall look is tasteful and chic.

Well if this Blair/ Dan budding friendship/ romance takes off, Eleanor is one step ahead of the game. She looks like a mother of the bride in this navy off the shoulder number. Can’t you just picture her dancing to YMCA and eating dry wedding chicken?

Side Note: I am excited by Eleanor’s Kate Middletonesque engagement ring. What a sparkling sapphire! Where has she been hiding this?

I am totally excited that B plans to become a fashion editor. I really hope that this results in a September Issue type episode with guest appearances by Anna Wintor and Grace Coddington.

The Kids Are Not Alright - Part 3 of 3 - Snoozefest

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Sorry, was I supposed to care about Nate and his Dad? I was too busy sleeping through their part of the story.

Let’s see, here is Nate in a plaid shirt with bedroom hair. Shocker.

Here we have Nate’s Dad playing Wii Tennis with the maids. Not sure which is more upsetting - the fact that he is wearing a robe, t-shirt, and pajama pants, or that he actually said “Boom Goes the Dynamite” when he won? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I think he could be a prime candidate for Pajama Jeans.

The Vanderbilts appear to be trying to cut costs by wearing lackluster workout attire. Sass it up here Team, I’ve seen more color and style from the elderly women who do water aerobics at the gym. Let’s get it together.

Hair gel isn’t going to make you more exciting, Nate. Stop looking so sad. I'm sure Dad will be embroiled in a scandal in no time, and then he'll stop hanging around the house with the maids. Instead of being so focused on the Captain, why don't you go find a new girlfriend. We need a little excitement around here.

Holla! Chicago hot dogs are in the house.

Over the course of this episode, Nate’s Dad has played video games, avoided responsibility, drooled over a girl’s bum, and eaten junk food. Looks like someone is going through puberty.

“Hey son, I don’t really want to work, I was planning on spending my first few days out of jail by wearing dull outfits and chasing tail. I like it when they call me Captain."

Mini Recap: The Kids Are Not Alright

Gossip Girl's mid-season return rated a solid "meh" on the excite-o-meter.

Party du Jour
Midwest Moguls bash, complete with Blagojevich references.  The Illinoisan in me wanted to throw things at the screen.

Best Line
Lily: "I know you disapprove of me, but can't you do so in a tuxedo?"

Best Outfit
Serena as Lily.  Beautiful!  Elegant!  Tailored!  Soak it in, kids, because this is no doubt the only time we'll get to see Serena in this mode. 

Headshaker
Who called The Great Envelope Switch before it happened?  Ok, you can all put your hands down.

Anne missed you, and I know you missed her...see her recap this Thursday!