Easy J, Part 1 of 3: Blair and Jenny

Episode Synopsis: Jenny returns to the Upper East Side, an unwitting pawn in the ongoing war between Chuck and Blair. Blair sabotages Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn, but Jenny gets even by telling Gossip Girl she slept with Chuck. After Jenny is sent back to Hudson by Dan, Chuck and Blair form the beginnings of a truce. Meanwhile, Juliet’s brother shivved Nate’s Dad. Also, Cab Guy and Serena spend the night together, only to find out the next day that he’s her new professor.

Blair dream sequences make me happy. I love Blair’s Wait Until Dark-inspired outfit – not only is it very Audrey, it’s the polar opposite of anything Jenny would wear. The skirt has a great bow detail in the back, and I love the shoes. Amazing how Blair’s well-dressed even in her dreams.

I cannot decide if I like or hate this outfit. Help. On the one hand, I hate Blair in stiff clothes, and this top looks starchy and rigid. However, I love the skirt, and the stiff top kind of works with it. And yet I can’t wholly get behind this outfit, and I don’t know why.

Even if I have questions about the outfit, I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I hate her shoes.

I do not like the word “cankles.” It’s a horrible, mean word, and I avoid using it at all costs. Except for now. Those shoes give Blair Waldorf cankles. Are we sure they’re not part of Chuck’s plan to destroy Blair?

I’m sorry, Blair. Please don’t be mad. Your robe is pretty. And your skin is glowing. Please don’t banish me to Hudson.

When she was livetweeting the episode, Jen didn’t seem all that enthused about Blair’s nude dress, but I love it. I know it’s a neutral, and I’m as sick of Juliet’s neutrals as anyone, but this dress is sparkly and fits Blair perfectly. Also, it’s sparkly. Plus, it’s very similar to her outfit from the opening dream sequence, and I really like that kind of symmetry.

Pajamas as only Blair can do it. These are masculine and sexy at the same time. I think I covet her pajama wardrobe more than her regular wardrobe.

Welcome back, Hot Mess Humphrey. I see Hudson hasn’t softened your look. Oh, and you brought your extensions. Good – I was starting to forget how fake they looked, but now I’m reminded again of their striking resemblance to Barbie hair.

And stand up straight. Hunched over that rack of clothes, you look like Gollum with a cheap weave.

This top is not doing anything good to her chest. She’s 17, but she’s got post-menopausal breasts in that shirt. I feel kind of creepy commenting on this, but given that Taylor’s been flashing them at concerts, I figure they’re fair game. Eric Daman, either get her a better bra or don’t put her in that top. I don’t even like Jenny and I feel kind of bad for her right now.

I couldn’t get a clear full-length shot of Jenny’s dress at the party, but it’s pretty much standard Jenny fare – black, very short, with sheer black hose. I don’t know why I hate the tights – nothing makes me happier than a good opaque pair of tights paired with a dress – but for some reason those sheer black tights always make Jenny’s outfit look even more streetwalker-esque.

And can we please get this girl a meeting with Bobbi Brown? Jenny needs to learn about neutrals and emphasizing either her eyes or her lips.

A clear close-up shot. It’s too bad this dress is on Jenny. I really like the look of the dress (except for the slit on the bottom, which just seems excessive). On Serena, this dress would be gorgeous. But if it were on Serena, the dress wouldn’t be carefully concealed by long blonde tendrils of polyester.

Finally, a decent outfit. Over the knee boots are balanced – see, Jenny? Balanced – by a loose tee and what appears to be the comfiest sweater ever. It’s a perfect travelling outfit. Too bad that we get to see it for all of five seconds, but she wore that green thing for the bulk of the episode.

Goodbye, Jenny. Have fun in Hudson, the magical land where eyeliner grows on trees and corn husks can be worn as extensions.

Easy J, Part 2 of 3: The Rest of the Kids

I couldn’t figure out a better way to group these posts because there are so few subplots or costume changes this episode. So here’s Chuck, Serena, Juliet, Nate, Dan, and Eric. Yes, all crammed into one post.

Serena wears something remarkably appropriate to school. Yeah, the skirt’s short, but at least she’s not letting the girls sit in on a lecture. And the suede vest has a season one feel to it. I imagine she would wear this with a very loose interpretation of the Constance uniform.

My favorite thing about the outfit is all the patterns. Calm yourselves, I’m not going all Vanessa Abrams. The patterns are my favorite part because of how wildly amusing they are. I can’t decide whether the things on her top are scarab beetles or computer mice.

And as for her skirt … I know Serena likes to draw attention to some of her best assets, but I think a happy face over her ladyparts is going a little far.

I’ve come to dread Serena’s formalwear. It’s hard to get excited about what will inevitably be … well, this.

At least her shoes are cute. But the rest of it is just so lackluster and unsurprising. My boyfriend glanced up at the TV when I was watching this episode and asked, “Hasn’t she worn that already?” I started to say “no,” but I realized it didn’t matter. She hasn’t worn this exact top and slacks monstrosity, but she might as well have. It’s the same thing every time, and it’s getting boring.

Congratulations, Gossip Girl. You've managed to make cleavage boring. Are you happy now?

It’s nice to see Chuck back in purple. I guess it’s his “single and diabolical” color.

The man really can work purple. His tie is gorgeous - I want dresses and shoes and purses in that color. His pocket square seems like a very close match to the purple stripes on his shirt, which is a nice touch given that a pocket square matching his tie would be overwhelming. But what’s most impressive to me is that it looks like that grey suit has a very, very slight purple tinge to it. Yet, he manages to not look like Willy Wonka. This, in and of itself, is a feat only Chuck Bass could accomplish.

Chuck went a little more casual for the Party of the Episode. I’m not nearly as enthused about this look as his suit of purple splendor, but it’s still a good look for him.

It’s nice to have the casual bowties back. What was always impressive about Chuck was his ability to wear something so uptight with an otherwise casual outfit. The last few seasons of Business Mogul Chuck have led to a lot of suspenders and bowties, but never with that – dare I say it – whimsy of first season Chuck.

My favorite part of the last Chuck and Blair scene? The subtle reminder that Chuck Bass does not wear clip-on bowties.

Dan got the most costume changes this week. Yes, Dan. It doesn’t really matter, since most of his wardrobe is so very boring. I just like that his “leisurely make coffee while gossiping with Nate” look is the same as his “harried father of a newborn” look.

(Leisurely coffee on the left, harried with baby on the right)

Dan’s chest hair has gotten so overwhelming that it seems he can only wear henleys. His chest hair cannot be contained. It needs air and light to grow and thrive. I swear, Dan’s chest hair is going to be the Big Bad for the second half of this season. It’s omnipresent. Are we sure it’s not Gossip Girl?

Since it’s a Jenny story, we get Eric again. As we all know, Eric’s life has always been remarkably boring, and there’s little reason for him to exist outside of Jenny-centric plots. If only he did something interesting, like attempt suicide or come out of the closet. Nothing to say about his casual wear, I’m just including him because Eric is still one of my favorite characters, even if he’s gotten weirdly insufferable about preserving Jenny’s chastity.

I will say this for the Self-Righteous Brothers: they clean up well.

I really want to put Juliet on recapping probation until she starts wearing actual colors. Does this woman not own a single red dress? No yellow sundresses? A pair of giant coral clown pants like Serena? Come on, Eric Daman. Give me something here. At least when Georgina wore grey, it was interesting and dramatic. Juliet is just neutral.

I actually like the dress. I just don’t like the dress as a wardrobe choice. If I saw a businesswoman wearing this dress, I would be wowed by her sense of style. But on Juliet, it’s just more of the same. Nate somehow recognized Juliet from behind. I’m guessing the ugly black backing to an otherwise nice blazer is what gave her away. If not for that blazer, Nate very well could have mistaken the woman on the right for Juliet, and the whole plot would have taken a wacky and far more entertaining turn.

I do love her dagger earrings, though. Not exactly subtle costuming, but I want a pair.

And as for Nate, I’m not even dealing with him until the hair portion of the third post. Oh yes, there is a hair portion. It’s gotten critical and must be addressed. 

Easy J, Part 3 of 3: All the Rest, Inanimate Objects & Hair Issues

After all the fuss Serena made over raiding her mother’s jewelry box, I expected something spectacular out of Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey. Instead, we got earrings left over from a game of Pretty Pretty Princess and a necklace made of those glass balls you put in vases.

Honestly, between the lackluster accessories and the oatmeal dress, I’m concerned that her fabulousness is in danger.

Oh, right. Forgot about Rufus. And, judging by the look on Lily’s face, so did she. Yes, I do think there is an inverse relationship between Lily’s awesomeness and time spent with Rufus. Pretty soon she’ll be wearing slacks and eating bowls of Rufus’s “famous chili.”

The minions have really stepped up their wardrobe this season, although I’m wondering if the two lesser minions are now dressing like Penelope, rather than B. This could spell trouble for Blair, given that the minions always dress most like their queen. The high rise trousers aren’t particularly flattering on the minions, but I do love how brightly colored their sweaters and blouses are. I just said minions four times in three sentences. Wow.

The minions’ formalwear is neutral. Shocker. Has Eric Daman totally checked out? Penelope’s dress is remarkably ill-fitting, which is kind of perfect for her. I could be misremembering, but her wardrobe has always struck me as trying to be fashion-forward but missing the mark. 

Tim Gunn’s role wasn’t particularly memorable (although his public disdain for Taylor is epic). He looks sharp as always.

I am a little disappointed with the show for wasting him. At the very least, I can't believe they missed the opportunity to have him say “This concerns me,” after seeing Jenny’s ruined dresses.

Speaking of the ruined dresses, is it wrong that I think Blair’s modification was hilarious?

It definitely makes the dresses more interesting (fun fact: they’re from Eric Daman’s Charlotte Russe collaboration).

This is my biggest issue with the Jenny is a fashion genius thing: artistic skill is one of the rare exceptions to the “Show, don’t tell” rule. If you tell viewers a character is wildly talented, we’ll believe you.But if you’re going to show us Jenny’s portfolio, it needs to live up to the hype. This dress is about as inspired as Taylor’s real-life rebel phase.

Maybe I'm really off base, but this seems like a boring knee length black dress with long sleeve. Obviously the gravity-defying accessories are innovative, but the dress itself is remarkably ordinary.

Speaking of things that are remarkable, let’s talk about the casts’ remarkably bad hair this season (nice transition, right?). Despite signing a deal with Herbal Essence earlier this year, Leighton’s hair has been looking very flat this season.

I love the reddish tint, but her hair used to have so much more body and volume. Can someone please get this girl a BumpIt?

Wind tunnel wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said her hair needed more volume, but thanks for trying, Gossip Girl hair team.

Although Serena’s head of hair in “missionary disarray” got the most attention, the real mess was her formal hair. Or, as I like to call it, her “Omni-Dreadlock.” I wonder how she described the look she wanted to her hairdresser? “Yeah, just make it look like I got my dreadlocks tangled in a hand-held fan.”

As for Nate, something terrible has happened with his hair. Even he seems to realize how horribly awry it has gone. He looks like a small child who decided to cut his own hair. I don’t get it. Chase is so very, very pretty. Why does the Gossip Girl hair team have to ruin the pretty?

Also, the Rufus Mullet Alert has officially gone Code Orange. If Lily doesn't take a pair of shears to that thing soon, he'll have a party in the back.

Ugh. I need something to distract myself after seeing that. I know, I'll stare at the Van der Woodsen-Humphreys absurdly massive breakfast spread. There is no way that the five Van der Woodsen-Humphreys could eat all this. It looks like they just moved the crafts services table onto the set for this scene. Why do they have this much food?

My guess is that Lily lets Rufus handle ordering all the food so he can feel like he’s done something useful and isn’t just a trophy husband. I'm just shocked they don't have an omlette station.

Mini Recap: Easy J

She's baaaaaaaack!

Best Line
Blair had so many good ones, but I'm choosing her assesment of Serena's morning-after with the prof: "What have we here? Bed unslept in. Hair in missionary disarray. Yesterday's dress with today's shame all over it."

Best Outfit
Not an outfit per se, but Lily had a great updo at the party-of-the-week.

Headshaker
Jenny's hair at the party-of-the-week. Jenny's hair. Jenny.

I know Amanda's chomping at the bit to give Little J a piece of her mind from behind the relative safety of her keyboard, far from any hair extensions which might suddenly attack her.  Tune in on Thursday for the full recap.