Touch of Eva - Part 1 of 3 - The Monets

Episode Synopsis: iTunes describes the plot as this: "Blair schemes to undermine Chuck's newfound happiness. Dan finds himself torn between his feelings for Serena and Vanessa".  In other words? The same plotline as last season. Of course, there are a few additions. Juliet has something up her taupe sleeves. Vanessa is trying to make Dan deal with his feelings about Milo, because that's what you do in an adult relationship (apparently). And Eva is a hooker with a heart of gold. No, really, she is.

If you've ever seen the movie Clueless - and I hope that you have - you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that Blair, Serena and Eva are full-on Monets. In case you're not sure, I'll explain: from far away, they look good. But up close? It's a big old mess.  And that's what was happening this week. A big old mess. Not the worst, but definitely not good.

Let's start with Blair:

You think it's cute, but is it really?

Up close? It's Betty Draper's old house dress. The one she'd wear to clean the house if she didn't already have a cleaning lady to do that for her. She tries to make the dress less 50s housewife frumpy by adding a belt:

A ridiculously bejewelled belt. One thing that dress didn't need was jewels to compete with that pattern. 

The only thing good I can say about the outfit? Well played with the purses ladies. I love the Vuitton. It's subtle Vuitton and that makes it believable (I don't believe Blair would carry one if it was covered in the monogram).

Now for Serena's casual Saturday wear:  

 

At first you think, nautical stripes with a blazer and a skirt - that's downright lovely considering Serena's track record. But then you break it down. The skirt is sequined (of course it is). And she accessorizes with what is possibly the biggest piece of costume jewellery that I've seen in a long time.

And when Dan calls her to go for a walk in the park? How does she further accessorize?

A giant Chanel bag (okay, they all got it right with the bags this week) and platform stillettos that are what I like to call "sitting shoes". You wear those to a party where you get to stand for a minute, sit for 10. You don't wear them for a stroll. Had she gone with flats, I might have forgiven the sequined skirt. Instead, she looks like she ran into Dan on her walk of shame. Further to the walk of shame style is her hair:

What? No combs in your new apartment? I don't think that's true since she managed to brush it out for Chuck's gala:

Oh hey! Jenny left her hair ratty hair extensions behind! And you jazzed them up with a ratty braid! Good work Serena.

The dresses are once again Monets. From far away, you're wowed by the colours. You want to run up and tell them that they look good. But when you get close, you see that Blair's dress hangs weird and Serena's is missing chunks and has a a skirt that makes her look frumpy.  That's when you back away and grab a champagne or two and pretend you didn't see them.

 

The accessories are very Vanessa.  Because if you're going to wear amethyst, you should totally wear giant unfinished chunks.  Her necklace looks like she broke up the paperweight on my desk.

And just like Blair and Serena, Eva is another Monet.  From far away, she looks cute:

Good colours, cute shoes, cute bag. The skirt is short, but it covers the goods.  And then you see her blouse up close.

What is happening there? It gives this super skinny girl a weird poufy belly and that is not a good thing.

And then there was her flowery, floufy sundress (Eva seems to favour the floufy materials). From faraway, cute. Up close? it hangs off her in the weirdest and most unflattering way.

Same thing when she goes to the gala:

When I first saw the dress, I was like hooray! You knocked that one out of the park kiddo.  But then zut alors!

It once again just hangs off the front in the worst possible way.  I know she is small chested, but there must be something out there that would look a bit more flattering.  She does however kill it with the trench coat:

 

She wears that thing like only a Frenchwoman can.  Wearing that trench like a pro is one of those things that comes in French DNA. That and the ability to wear a scarf like nobody's business.  I hope Eva isn't gone for good. I really wanted to see her rock the scarf.  And maybe to school Serena on how to speak with a French accent.

Touch of Eva - Part 2 of 3 - The Oh Honey Noes

Actually, this is a touch of The Monets mixed with one giant Oh Honey No.  But then, we expect that from Vanessa.

There is artfully mixing patters and then there is whatever the hell Vanessa has going on.  Those are two patterns that should never go anywhere near each other. Ever.  And the patterns are just the tip of the sartorial iceberg. There are tassels! And more chains than Mr. T!  No wonder Dan wants to spend the day with Serena. Between those patterns and the colours and Vanessa's nagging, he's probably got one hell of a migraine.

But you know what would make that outfit even better?

Mauve pumps and a purple bag with a chain strap.

I'm kidding. We all know that just gave us a migraine. I should have included Juliet as a Monet, because the dress isn't so horrible and neither are the shoes. Until you look closely. That's when you see it's still just taupe and the fabric is just not flattering. It looks like a Project Runway challenge gone wrong.

Juliet looks like she's embarassed to be with Vanessa. I would be too. I'd also be praying that the photo doesn't end up on Gossip Girl. The only thing that would save her is that her taupe could help camouflage her into the pavement and no one would know it was her.

Except, you can't miss the back and that's where she goes all wrong.

I have a top that I wear for workouts that looks a lot like the back of that dress.  That is not a complement.

I can't decide if Juliet improves her wardrobe at the gala or if I'm just blinded by Vanessa's dress.

I guess it's best to go neutral if you're going to hang out with Vanessa. Because of course she's going to wear crazy patterns, show off her stomach and carry a clutch the size of a small car. And bring along a glittery shawl.  And because she can't wear ten chains with the dress, there has to be some beading involved.

I will offer Juliet some props for her choice in necklace.

Actually, never mind. It looks like a five year old chose the cheapest, biggest beads.  But it's close to being nice and in an episode like this week's, that is something.

Here's a pop quiz: when you storm off from a gala event to go home and pack your shit because your boyfriend constantly waffles on whether he likes you or his ex, what do you change into?

a) Eva's cute trench coat.

b) sweats or jeans and t-shirt.

c) your biggest, baddest pieces of jewellery and patterns that were never meant to be put together.

No surprise that Vanessa chose option 'c'.

And speaking of overdoing it on the jewellery and the taupe, can we talk about Lily for a second?

   

What in the what?  It's time to kick Vanessa out of the loft and send Juliet packing , because they are having an awful influence on Lily.

She fixes the over-accessorizing in time for Chuck's party, but her dress leaves me saying, "meh."

And meh isn't good enough when it comes to Lily. I expect her to bring it every episode, so I'm a little disappointed in her.  It looks like Lily is disappointed in herself. 

Touch of Eva - Part 3 of 3 - The I Give Ups

Vanessa gets a head start on complaining about Dan's outfit. Except, she picks the wrong thing to nag about.  She complains that he's been wearing the same shirt for three days. I counter that with: this is what 19 year old boys do. They where the same clothes for days on end. And we deal with it, because eventually they learn that laundry is a good thing. We don't nag because nagging is not attractive.

We do gently point out that the chest hair creeping up his neck is not so much sexy, as it is creepy and completely unattractive. Unless he has plans to grow a mustache and dress as Tom Selleck for Halloween, the rug needs to go.

On the plus side, at least he's not wearing plaid. Because that would have made for an awkward breakfast when his dad showed up in the same outfit.

Rufus needs to learn a few things:

1. He is no longer a 20 year old rock star.

2. His wife is a socialite, so maybe he could try to dress a little nicer.

3. That money corrupts even Brooklyn bohemians, so maybe he needn't be so G-D surprised that his kids have skewed moral compasses. Jenny is a drug dealer who dresses like a kinderwhore and Dan lies to his girlfriends on a regular basis.  If Rufus could get used to that, he'd have fewer disappointments in life.

At least he has learned that last season's sweaters were a no-no.

Moving on to his UES doppleganger: Nate!

Nathanial, we need an intervention. Schlumpy and wrinkled is not a good look for anyone. Get a tailor, get an iron and stop taking fashion advice from the Humprhies.

Do you know how I know that Juliet is up to no good?

Because she dresses like she belongs on the UES, yet she is trying to convince us that she doesn't care about how Nate dresses. And she should care. She really should.

And so should Chuck.  He has to live with that frump of a Nate.  Doesn't Chuck find it depressing to spend all that time getting into his fancy Wall Street suits and then walking out to see Nate in a plaid shirt borrowed from Rufus Humphrey's hamper?

Seriously though, if it weren't for Chuck, I'd give up and just stop writing posts about Dan, Rufus and Nate. Because I'm running out of ways to snark on plaid.

No one can mix a pattern quite like that man can. Stripes! Paisley! Polka dotted pocket squares! And at no point do I feel like his outfit is giving me a stroke.  And I wish I could have gotten a picture for you, but he was wearing orange socks with that suit. The same orange as the polka dots. Well played sir, well played.

And as always, his committment to purple and paisley never fails to make me a happy girl.  Oh, and FYI: I figured out why I love Chuck so much. It's not just our love of purple or mixing patters or a well-tailored suit. It's not just the fact that he's hot. No, it's because his passport tells me we share a birthday.  Chuck and I are meant to be.

Mini Recap: Touch of Eva

Wherein we see B at possibly her baddest...

Best Line
Eva: "Old Chuck - Bad Chuck.  New Chuck - Good Chuck."  Except she said it like "OldChuckBadChuckNewChuckGoodChuck" which reminded me of tongue twisters involving woodchucks chucking wood.

Best Outfit
The color of Serena's J Mendel gown.

Headshaker
The cut of Serena's J Mendel gown.

Lesley-Anne will be recapping this week's fashions...see all the dish this Thursday!