Ex-Husbands and Wives, Part 1 of 3 - Blair, Serena & Jenny

Episode Synopsis: The group goes all Scooby Gang on Serena’s dad, thanks to Jenny’s drug dealing discovery. It turns out that Holland – yes, Rufus’s Holland – had been prescribing fake medicine to Lily and was lying about sleeping with Rufus because she owed a favor to one William van der Woodsen. Blair and Chuck finally talk about how totally screwed up their relationship is, and Chuck lays down the groundwork for the season finale with an ultimatum. And, in the end, we get to see where daddy issues come from, when Serena finds out her dad’s been drugging her mom and nearly skips town without saying goodbye. Oh, also, Jenny moves in with Nate and Chuck because no one loves her, and nothing bad will come of that, I’m sure.

I loved going through Blair’s closet as she prepared for her first date ever. I mean, look at the dress she’s holding, and the dress in the background. So perfectly Blair. In my fantasy world, so perfectly me.

I actually like this dress, which is surprising because I’m not normally a big Marc Jacobs fan. But it’s a great dress for Blair – and it’s young, which we haven’t seen from her in a while.

… case in point. Seriously, Blair, you have so many gorgeous dresses – you were even wearing one three scenes ago – and you chose to go with a below-the-knee flower print dress? I wore that to my high school graduation. At the very least, get it hemmed. I mean, love the shoes, but this is not a first date dress if you’re 19.

I’m pretty sure that this is a bathrobe. No, seriously. And it would not shock me if the purse was what Blair used in the dorms as a shower caddy.

Tonight was an episode of reveals. Not only did we unravel the mysterious return of Dr. Van der Woodsen, but some of the outfits took more than one look to be fully … well, appreciated isn’t the right word.

Like Blair’s dress for the Gala of the Week. My first thoughts: “How very Scarlett O’Hara – wait, does her dress have a bustle?”

 “There’s no way – I mean, it’s a lot of fabric, but Blair wouldn’t – but it is a lot of fabric.”

“Oh, good. It’s not a bustle. It’s multiple bustles.”

I think this dress weighs more than Leighton. Why would they do this to her? Why would they taunt us with a closet full of gorgeous clothes, then swaddle her in what appears to be the curtains from a Sheraton I once stayed in? Clearly, she is not coping with the break-up nearly as well as Chuck is, fashion-wise.

As for Serena … I know we’ve all made jokes in the past about how little clothing Serena wears, about how her legs must have claustrophobia, or that she’s forgotten to put on pants.

But seriously, I think she forgot to put on pants.

Because this is not a dress. This is a long sweater and tights. Not even leggings, somewhat sheer tights. And she is not wearing pants or a skirt.

Yeah, this is totally an appropriate outfit for spending time with the family, lounging around the house, accusing your stepfather of infidelity, or going shopping in the middle of winter in Manhattan.

Oh yes. She leaves the house in this. Are her legs just impervious to cold? Because that is a suede, wool-lined cape, but she is still not wearing pants.

I’ll admit, when I was watching this episode the first time, I didn’t catch Serena’s entrance in this dress. This was the first shot I saw of it. Apparently, I lost my senses for a minute, because I thought to myself, “Oh, that’s a really nice dress. It actually looks classy.”

“Oh. Well, I guess that length is to be expected, but it’s still a great cut on her, and …”

“[sigh] Of course it’s backless. Of course.” Because why look appropriate when you could look like a call girl?

I’d like to point out, the sleeve/cape thing is longer than her dress. Like, by a lot.

At least the girl has the good sense to wear pants while flying. Even if it’s a private jet, it can get pretty cold.

Man, that outfit made me miss New Serena v.1.0’s wardrobe. Back when she had this awesome Upper East Side bohemian look going. Back when she would, on occasion, wear pants.

And the episode ends with Serena more clothed than we will probably ever see her. Pants, an overcoat, gloves, a huge scarf, and a fedora. The only skin you can see is her face. Her legs are probably having a panic attack.

Ugh. Please don’t make me do Jenny. Can we just ignore her and hope that she goes away?

I actually like this outfit. Just not on a 16 year old, because that skirt is way too short and oh my god when did I become a parent?

I feel super-creepy posting this, because again, Taylor is 16, but if you a) can’t legally buy a lottery ticket, and b) can’t bend over in your skirt to get your purse, that is a sign that your skirt is inappropriately short.

Jenny wears yet another ill-fitting, cleavage-baring dress. Shocker.

I know this pose well. See how her right arm is pressed against her body? That’s the international sign of “I think my dress is slipping, and I’m really afraid it’s going to fall off, but I don’t want to hold the top up while I run toward the chaos I have created, so instead I’ll just hope that my arms hold it in place.”

And the back of her dress.  She’d be a much more threatening antagonist if she didn’t always look unkempt and drowning in fabric. As it is, she just kind of looks like a pissed-off junkie.

Oh, did you notice that hair? Yeah, Jenny’s hair has gotten to the point where I want her to snap and pull a Britney, just so we don’t all have to keep staring at it.

This isn’t hair. These are curling ribbons you use to decorate a birthday present.

What is this? I don’t even know – I mean, it has the texture of an old Barbie doll’s hair. The style is basically “matted.” How has no one staged a hair-intervention yet?

It’s nice to see that she put her basket weaving skills to good use.  I’d say it translates nicely from weaving with reeds to weaving with straw.

Seriously, Taylor, I know you think you’re super cool and punk and original and all those things that every 16  year old thinks they are at some point, but you’re not. You’re so painfully unoriginal it’s embarrassing. So stop doing horrible things to your hair, stop pursuing this “music” career, and stop wearing so much eye makeup. It’s not cool or edgy. It’s just getting sad.

Ex-Husbands and Wives, Part 2 of 3 - Lily, Rufus & William

I need a palate cleanser after that mess. Something classy, put together, elegant.

Yes. That’s just what the (not scheming) doctor ordered. I’m starting to get the sense that she doesn’t even intentionally accessorize – she just gets dressed and the perfect necklace and earrings just appear on her. She is magical.

I may or may not be including this picture partly because that is my grandmother’s apartment building on the right, and I became way too giddy to see it on TV, as I have spent lots of time staring at those fountains while waiting for a taxi.

Also, I love Lily and Eric’s matching black, and how they walk arm and arm. Man, I’ve missed Eric.

Unfortunately, there weren’t any really great shots of Lily’s dress. She’s been doing a lot of one-shouldered dresses lately, and I love this color on her. It’s actually very similar to her wedding dress, which I thought was kind of an interesting touch.

Damn, Kelly Rutherford’s got great shoulders. And also, I love that Lily has a sparkly pink clutch.

Only Lily Bass would think that a one-shouldered cocktail dress and heels was an appropriate outfit for air travel. And honestly, I can’t really argue that for her, it’s not. She’s Lily Bass. Of course this is what she’d wear to flee the city with her ex-husband.

Ugh. Rufus. I really don’t like when older men wear tight black jeans. I don’t know why. But his whole look is just making me really unhappy. Or it could just be his presence.

I can’t tell anymore if I’m just biased against him, or if his clothes have gotten worse. I really hate him in this long coat they keep throwing on him. Maybe the tailoring is off – it seems too big for him.

The Humphreys are having some serious hair issues. I mean, Rufus’s hair isn’t as bad as Jenny’s, but the Upper East Side is not kind to it.

Brace yourselves. We are officially on Mullet Watch, level 3.

Of course, with Rufus a mullet is never “Business in the front, party in the back.” It’s more “Aging rockstar clinging to his youth in the front, sanctimonious jackass in the back.”

Hi, William! Great timing, I was just talking about characters I have lost interest in.

Don’t look so surprised. If anyone should be surprised, it’s the viewers, because I have a hard time imagining that this is the guy who stole her away from a life of touring with 90s rock bands.

I know you can clean up well. You looked slick on Dirty Sexy Money. But your shirt’s not even tucked in. Who do you think you are, a Humphrey?

Who knew that Nehru Collar Tuxedo Shirts existed? And of course William would wear one without a bowtie. Hey, Will, maybe if you bothered buttoning your dress shirt and wearing a tie once in a while, you wouldn’t have to drug your ex-wife in order to win her back. Just a thought.

Ex-Husbands and Wives, Part 3 of 3 - The Guys

Chuck is back.

A grey pin-striped suit, a shirt with pink stripes, and a tie that verges on purple?

Welcome home, Chuck. You’ve been missed.

And of course, if the occasion calls for formal attire, Chuck’s in a tux. For Dan or Nate, wearing a suit is going all-out. But for Chuck, the only way he can look slicker than his day to day is by going full-out Bond.

Which, quite frankly, is more than alright by me.

The other guys didn’t even put up a fight when it came to wardrobe choices. Let’s just start with Dan, who has apparently taken to entering rooms like The Fonz.

A leather jacket, a brown shirt, jeans. Who saw that coming? I wonder what crazy fashion risks he’ll take with his suit.

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I was expecting.

As for his partner-in-plaid Nate, he’s … wearing plaid. It must be hard to find new things to wear when you don’t have a character. Although, at least he’s trying to make it work. Chase is Blue Steel-ing it up like crazy in this shot.

I will say this about Chase Crawford: he can wear a suit. And he should wear a suit. All the time.

He is Chuck Bass’s best friend and roommate. This plaid phase reflects poorly on both Chuck and the Empire Hotel. If Nate wants to look like he just got off the F-train, then he should get himself a loft in Williamsburg. If he wants to stay on the UES, he’s going to have to step it up.

 Speaking of “up,” I have one question, and I mean this in all earnestness.

Is this the natural shape of Connor Paolo’s hair, or are the stylists using Blair’s old Bump-Its? Because the kid’s got an unusual amount of lift in the crown, and it’s driving me crazy.

Also crazy is the idea of a knit men’s blazer.

And yet, here’s Cameron, wearing one. For the entire episode. He never changes out of it, he loves his Mister Rogers sweater that much.

What is Blair doing with this guy? She doesn’t have to be with Chuck, because the selling her to his uncle thing will put a dent in a relationship, but she’s Blair Waldorf. She does not have to date a boring lacrosse player who wears a grandpa sweater blazer for an entire episode. She is better than that.

Most of the time. She is better than that most of the time.