The Sixteen Year Old Virgin, Part 1 of 3 - Jenny, Serena, Nate, Damien

Episode Synopsis: Jenny goes through yet another rebellious phase (after a certain point, isn’t not rebelling more rebellious?). She gets grounded for ditching school with Damien...but not before promising him that they’ll have sex that night. All the characters are very concerned about Jenny maintaining her chastity, except for Chuck and Blair, who are in the Upper East Side Players production of Hamlet. Personally, I liked The Lion King better.

It’s a big week for Jenny. She gets more costume changes than any of the characters, which is weird, since her whole plot is about taking off her clothes.

Jenny’s first appearance shocked me beyond measure. She looked so clean, so put-together, so ... teenager-esque. The short-sleeved coat actually works for me, and I feel like she’s taunting me by placing this gorgeous bag so prominently on the kitchen island. I want one.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Jenny-centric episode if it didn’t involve her lying to her dad and becoming Dark!Jenny. I like how, upon taking down her hair, the texture becomes reminiscent of curling ribbons.

What followed was a very chaste makeout scene between Jenny and Damien. I stared at her shoes the whole time, because they were at least four kinds of awesome.

Here Jenny is, having been rescued from Damien by an excuse about math class. I think that Damien is to blame for her bad hair – whenever she’s not around him, it looks halfway decent.

So, honestly, who actually believes that Jenny would never have seen Dirty Dancing before? I would imagine Rufus made Dan and Jenny watch it during a Humphrey-family movie night, because he totally thinks he’s Patrick Swayze and Lily is Baby.

Also, leather kneepads, Jenny? Really? Come on. I know you’re about to a drug-fueled downward spiral, but you’re not Lindsay Lohan.

At the opening for the Bart Bass Wing of Arts and Family Drama, Jenny is rescued by Damien. I’m not sure exactly what the deal is with this dress – I can’t tell if it’s sheer, or if the panels just are flesh-toned, but Jenny – I know I just said you weren’t Lindsay Lohan, but I’d also like to remind you that you’re not Serena. Please put back what appears to be a variation on her hideous Thanksgiving jumpsuit.

You’ll all be relieved to know that Jenny doesn’t sleep with Damien, because it’d be terrible if the last innocent character on this show were to – wait, I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Jenny’s not exactly some delicate flower, the girl’s been dealing drugs for half the season. So I’m just not buying this late in the game turn toward After School Special. But either way, Jenny returns home as she always does after a failed rebellion: looking like a sad moppet, albeit one wearing a delightfully sparkly coat.

On to S, who has carelessly thrown her bag on the floor. Oh, pretty leather bag, I wouldn’t treat you that way. I’d carefully store you in protective bags in my closet, and I’d apply a good leather conditioner whenever you start to look a little worn down. Please, leather bag, let me take you away from all this madness.

What’s most impressive about Serena is her dedication to displaying her cleavage. Even while counseling Jenny on how important a girl’s first time is, Serena still manages to find a remarkably low-cut sweater. Not her lowest-cut sweater, of course, because this is a casual moment between two girls. But who says there can’t room for her two girls?

Occasionally, Serena wears a dress that, while low-cut, still manages to be kind of fabulous. This is one of those times. I love the color and the neckline. But did she call up Vanessa for accessory advice? Because I know Lily taught her better than to wear a black watch like that with a dress.

Can I just say how much I hate this illusion netting resurgence? Because, other than on Sandra Bullock’s Oscar dress, it never looks good. Serena has graciously offered to demonstrate.

I mean, on the one hand, I’m happy to see that she’s, y’know, not hanging out all over the place. But the dress still manages to accentuate her breasts, while also kind of making them look like a drawing of one of the aliens in District-9.

Of course, all these thoughts occurred to me before I saw the back of the dress.

 

Is that seriously an illusion netting panel running down her hindquarters? *Sigh* That's our girl.

As for the guys in the A-Plot … well, here’s Nate. I don’t care what you say, there is no way that this is a menswear neckline.

Maybe this is something he and Serena are doing. In the last episode, she wore his shirt. This episode, he’s wearing her sweater – oh, who am I kidding? No way does Serena own a sweater with that high of a neckline.

At least he brings it for the requisite fifth-act party. He always looks so sharp, and I’d like to think that the purple tie is sort of a tribute to Bart (although, I call shenanigans on Bart’s favorite color being purple).

As for Damien – all I’m going to say about Damien is that there are few men who can make the skinny tie work. As far as I’m concerned, Damien is not one of them.

The Sixteen Year Old Virgin, Part 2 of 3 - Blair, Chuck, Elizabeth, and Jack

I never wear robes around the house – if I’m in my apartment, I’m dressed. It’s just not necessary. However, having now seen this gorgeous silk robe, I now want to spend my days lounging around in one.

I love Blair’s coat. It’s gorgeous. I love the cut, I love the color, I even like the shoulder pads. No mocking here. Just respect.

This, on the other hand ... Oh, Blair. Honey, no. The top is okay, and the skirt could be cute, but something very bad it happening to you around your ankle area, and I don’t know why. I think it might be the shoes, or the sheer blue tights, or maybe it’s the alignment of the planets. I don’t know. And as much as I like the individual pieces of the top and the skirt, together they just become frumpy and too much, and your hair is really flat in this episode, and I want to help you but don’t know how, because you’re a fictional character who would kill me for suggesting she has cankles and flat hair. But in this outfit, you kind of do.

Oh good, we’re almost in the clear. Sure, the hair’s a little flat, and it appears that you and Serena both went for heavy wrist gear – Eleanor would be appalled! – but I love the necklace, and the dress is cute. Not your best – there appears to be a matching napkin tucked into the waist of the dress – but it’s not horrible, so we’ll just go with it. You’re having a rough season, what with having either terrible storylines or no storyline, so just enjoy this last moment before you find out that Elizabeth is in cahoots with Uncle Jack.

As for Chuck, he’s still wearing his businessman best, even as he’s being accused of sexual harassment. Sorry, I can’t think of much more to say about this outfit, because after a certain point, it’s just a business suit. A well-tailored one, and I always appreciate a good pocket square, but come on, it’s a suit.

I don’t know why Blair and Chuck, the show’s two best clotheshorses, have been reduced to one major costume change each. Jenny got 12 this episode, and it’s all a variation on “angsty teenager.” I want some classic Chuckwear.

You taunt me with this purple bowtie, show. It reminds me of a simpler time – a time when Bart might have asked Chuck, “Why do you wear so much purple?”

Elizabeth, you truly are evil. Unfortunately, Chuck still doesn’t know this, so instead he signs over his hotel to her while wearing yet another suit in subdued colors. Come on, Chuck. You’re not a Humphrey, wear some damn color. A pink shirt, maybe? A neon green zoot suit? I don’t care, just start wearing colors again!

I am not a fan of Elizabeth or her wardrobe, but I do like that at least they’re only giving her two coats, as a woman travelling from out of town might have. Although, really, Elizabeth? Everyone’s bundled up, and you can’t be bothered to button your jacket? Yes, okay, I might just have issues with the character and am misdirecting my anger, but let me have this.

Also, her giant doorknocker earrings distracted me through every scene they were in. They just kept swaying so emphatically.

Okay, fine, credit for the dress, I’m a sucker for that notched neckline. I’m not wild about the shape on her – I don’t know why they keep putting her in these tight dresses. But I can’t really hate the dress that much.

Elizabeth’s other jacket, the one with the weird front panel. Is this going to be A Thing? Because Blair had her matching napkin, and this jacket has a similar look, and if that’s going to happen I just don’t want any part in it.

Again, I don’t know why they put her in this dress. It wasn’t flattering in the slightest, which is unfortunate, because if the woman is going to be evil, wardrobe should at least dress her half as well as they dressed Georgina.

Speaking of evil, Uncle Jack has returned, and he’s grown out an Evil Goatee. How anybody trusts him with that facial hair is beyond me – it’s like a neon sign that he has an evil scheme.

The Sixteen Year Old Virgin, Part 3 of 3 - Dan, Vanessa, Lily, and Rufus

The C and D plots this week involved – shocker – the He-Humphries. Here’s Dan. He’s wearing a brownish-grey shirt. Shocker.

At least it’s not plaid. I guess.

Like all the men on this show, he cleans up well in a suit. It is, mercifully, chest hair-free. Although, with his hair like that – is it just me, or does Dan look like a very young, When Harry Met Sally-era Billy Crystal?

Just me? Okay, that’s cool. Moving on.

Ms. Abrams, how nice of you to join us, and answer the question: “Is everything she owns patterned?”

Why yes, yes it is.

At least here, we’re spared whatever top and eighteen necklaces she’s wearing under this coat. I’m actually pretty sure I tried this coat on at Nordstrom Rack, and it is way more flattering on her than it was on me. In fact, she actually looks cute here.

Here … not so much. I don’t know where she got this, but I’d like to think it was left behind by Olivia, who was doing research for her role in a Pretty Woman remake.

Also, how is it that her hair looks perfectly fine whenever she’s laying around the house, but the minute she needs to dress up for a formal occasion, she goes out for a quick moped ride through Brooklyn and forgets to use a brush?

Look at her hair! So pretty! She has gorgeous hair, I don’t understand why she apparently has this almost pathological inability to style it well for a big events – even the ones she’s not invited to, like this one.

As for Lily and Rufus, Lily yet again reminds us of why she is so totally out of his league. But first, she taunts me with yet another handbag that I want.

I love Lily’s wardrobe. It’s so perfect for her – she knows better than to wear a necklace when she has a jeweled neckline. She’s so effortlessly glamorous . How has none of this worn off on Rufus?

As for her dress for the opening, I love that she’s wearing a pattern. It’s a rarity for her, but because she is Lily, of course it’s perfect. The yellow bag is my favorite part – most of us would buy that bag and then wonder what to pair it with. You know that Lily bought it the same day she bought her dress, took one look at it, thought “Yes, this will do,” and magically had a perfect outfit.

Her husband, on the other hand, doesn’t ever have to worry about a piece not working, because apparently all he owns now is oatmeal.

A suit with an oatmeal-pinkish shirt. Thank you, Rufus, for making your wardrobe as boring as your hissy fits. Now I can ignore everything about the scenes you’re in.

And get a haircut already.

Oh, speaking of hair …

Who invited Snookie’s hair to the opening?