The Hurt Locket, Part 1 of 4 - Serena and Nate

Episode Synopsis: I need Schwartz and Savage and the writers to step things up a bit. This episode was lacklustre with a good soundtrack.  Serena and Nate try to figure out how to be a couple by taking advice from the exes of the people they're dating. Rufus avoids Lily and gets friendly with the neighbour lady, while Lily tries to hide it from the kids (except for Eric. Eric doesn't even make a cameo appearance).  Jenny is still hanging out with the Belgian drug dealer and shows him a thing or two when he won't let her be his drug mule.  That Whore might be Chuck's mother, and we learn there might be things more important than Blair's social climbing (which she is horrible at doing). 

The episode starts with a shocker: Serena looks classy. She's dressed for the weather and wearing a coat to die for.

Seriously, I'd maim for that coat. Love. It.

Love it so much that I'm will to look past the bedazzled sweater.

Of course, she's Serena, so she's not really dressed classy. She completes the outfit with hooker boots.

The plaid tights and the classy coat are probably the only thing that is keeping men from propositioning her on the streets.

Let's just look at the coat one more time...because it may be the only time this season where Serena covers up the goods. 

And I'm not just talking about her heaving breasts. Because we do see a heck of a lot of cleavage, but that isn't shocking since Serena's Sunday brunch outfits include maximum cleavage. Nope. Serena is putting it all out there.

Some dude is very glad he joined the French Legion, because Serena totally gave him a show.  If the lining of her dress wasn't tethered down, we'd have all gotten a show and the FCC would have gotten some wardrobe malfunction complaints.

When she's not performing a little peepshow with the slit in her skirt, the Girls are on display. Even the Belgian ambassador's son can't stop looking at them.

Now here is where the show fails for me: did you notice that drug mule bollero she's been wearing? The one she won't take off because it's so pretty and it's a gift from the Belgian? That, my friends, is a fail.  Serena's taste in clothing may seem a bit questionable, but I don't believe for a minute that she'd wear an ugly ass no-name bolero jacket that jingles over that dress. Especially not once you see that her dress is backless.

I refuse to believe she'd wear that around all night.  At the very least, she'd take it off to show off more skin.

Jacket is a fail and belongs on the floor.

Finally, like any girl who has just had sex in a coat room at a embassy dinner and can't find her jacket, Serena steals a coat. Which I could deal with. Except...

She left her dress! Just because they took your jacket, doesn't mean you have to make it such an obvious walk of shame.

Now Nate. Oh dear sweet boring Nate.  If you came home to find this on your couch:

would you:
a) die of boredom?
b) ask what the eff is up with the deck shoes in January (or whatever winter month it's supposed to be...I can't keep track anymore)?
c) point out that Humphrey's would like the plaid shirts back?
d) all of the above

That's pretty much all Nate wears for the episode. Sometimes he jazzes it up with a plain grey coat.

Snazzy Nate!  

Now, here's a costume design conundrum I'm having. All season long, we've been complaining that the men are all beltless. Yet, for a group of men who can't be bothered to find a coordinating belt, they are the only teenagers at this event who know enough to wear studs on their tuxedo shirts? And why do they have studs while the son of the Beligan ambassador or the leader of Le Secret Societé de NYU have only buttons?

I don't go to many black tie events, but I think that if anyone was going to screw this look up and go with buttons, it'd be Nate. Just saying.

The Hurt Locket, Part 2 of 4 - Jenny, her lord and Violette

Okay, so Jenny's lord is a drug lord and not actual royalty. Damien's just an amabassador's son, not a prince like Serena thought he might become when he graduated high school  ("I thought you were going to be a Prince or something!"...no Serena honey, Europeans don't decide to become princes in the same way some people decide to go to law school. Either they are or they aren't. Oh, and they don't own unicorns either - in case you were wondering). And with a sweater like this, it's no wonder Serena was excited to see him.

It's a total Tripp sweater. Tripp wore knitwear like that when he was out for a WASPy drive to meet up with his blackmailing wife. Maybe Damien is just trying to embrace the culture of country he's living in. Because he won't give up with the sweaters. I mean really Damien, you are European. Embrace it and dress better.

I would like to take a moment to address Damien's hair: it's a little too American Psycho for me. If he wasn't already luring Jenny into the seedy world of high class drug deals, I'd fear for her life. Fortunately for Little J, Damien's just a dealer and not a serial killer.

As I pointed out with Nate and will point out again with Chuck, why is it that son of an ambassador didn't get studs instead of plain old buttons? If they hadn't put studs on the shirts of Chuck and Nate, I might not have quibbled on this point, but they did and so I will. Tuxedo button fail.

In case you've been wondering what happened to all of Rufus' old shirts, well, Jenny solved that mystery:

And since the Humphrey's love puzzles so much (who knew liking games is all you need to be a skilled drug mule?), Damien presents her with this challenge: turn a box of macarons and pills into a jacket fit for a high class drug mule. It's like a challenge on Project Runway: Pharmaceuticals.

Jenny does well at knocking off the ugly bolero and the paillettes jingle like she's on a sleigh ride. If this were Project Runway: Pharmaceuticals, Tim Gunn would have frowned at that jacket and Michael Kors would come up with some snarky bon mots about how that's the sort of jacket his nana would wear to a formal dinner and that it is not suit for an international fashion plate who likes her pills smuggled into a party.

Her choice of formal wear has me on the fence. I want to hate it, but I don't. Let's start with her coat:

For the sort of event she's going to, I think it's okay. A bit blingy, but that would probably be less obvious once the sun sets (when did this even start? 2pm? If it's winter, shouldn't it be getting dark already?). Her dress is a little bit bedazzled Spider Woman, but again, I don't hate it. If anyone should be getting away with sparkly spider webs at a black-tie event, it's a sixteen year old girl who wants the entire world to know that she is Totally Edgy, but still Filthy Rich.

So okay, half-hearted golf claps to you Jenny. At least your legs are covered. But I do have to ask about that lipstick

What happened? Even with all the questionable choices you've made this season, your lipstick wasn't one of them. You were wearing pretty nude colours and gloss. So why dig out the frosty pink? That's a colour I wore when I was 13 and had figured out was all wrong long before I was 16.

As for Violette, the daughter of the French Ambassador, who needs her pharmaceticals, we're told she would be wearing a different version of the bolero. With this:

Seriously? Because I'm pretty sure the bolero would look worse with that dress than it did on Serena.

I'm right, it is worse.

The Hurt Locket, Part 3 of 4 - Parents, Neighbours, and Dan

Like every other week, Lily outdoes us all. Every character must live in constant envy of her Lilyness. Just look at her as she spends her morning unpacking for Jenny (instead of just getting The Help to do it):

That is a look that would take me a few hours and I'd save it for an evening out. Not Lily. That is Lily's version of Saturday morning casual. The chunky turquoise jewelry does look like she's been dipping into Vanessa's jewelry box. Except, unlike Vanessa, she didn't pair it with some mardi gras beads, a Mr. T style chain, feather earrings and seventeen bangles. You see, Vanessa (who wasn't in this episode and I'm okay with that)? Chunky jewelry is okay, it can be done, you just need to show a little restraint.

Now how about Lily's version of hanging out in your sweats and drinking boxed wine:

Seriously. It's just her at home, enjoying a glass of wine. Alone. And that's how she dresses. With coordinating jewelry. Golf claps to you Lily Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey. Apparently this is how all the ladies chill out on the Upper East Side. Even neighbour lady is hanging out in a satin top.

Although, she looks like she's trying too hard. I almost believe that Lily is comfortable and actually chillin' out in her jacket and well cut trousers. Lily's new husband on the other hand, well, is it okay that I miss Pretend Grunge Rocker Rufus? Because Kept Man Rufus just looks kind of schlubby in cashmere (or some other high end knitwear):

Or he's dressing like a page of People magazine at Sundance time: Celebs at Sundance! Fair Isle! Layers! Ill fitting jeans! Shearling Vests! Except, Rufus was in a band called Lincoln Hawk and People doesn't give a rat's ass about him and his ski trip to Telluride (maybe they do now that he's married to a Van der Woodsen Bass).

Or he's trying do a jaunty scarf. To which I say: leave the jaunty scarves to Chuck Bass, because you cannot compete.

Speaking of Chuck, let's take a look at That Whore - I mean - Elizabeth. We only get a brief moment with the woman who may be his mother and at first, you might think she did well with her outfit.

However, that coat is what Cher Horowitz would call a full-on Monet: from far away, it's okay, but up close, it's a big old mess.

What is that front flap? Does that coat have a built in fanny pack? Does it fold up into itself like a K-way jacket? Thematically speaking, I didn't know where the hell to put Dan this week. So I'm throwing him here. I almost don't want to bother with Dan because his sweaters were so boring. I'm pretty sure he was trying to blend in with the sets this week. He was also showing off his chest hair.

And here is Dan try to camoflauge himself into the kitchen.

And trying to do a little night camo:

I know you're not Chuck and I know you're feeling a little down without Vanessa and her jewelry around, but a little colour never hurt anyone Dan. It might even make you a little more interesting to look at.

The Hurt Locket, Part 4 of 4 - Blair and Chuck

Blair and Chuck are like my dynamic duo on Gossip Girl. At least, they were. I still love them as a couple and they can out-act Serena any day, but sweet jesus in a breadbasket, their outfits are getting boring. If it weren't for the tailoring, I'd say they were getting dangerously close to Dan territory. Even though it's become far too muted for my liking, I still adore Chuck's commitment to purple.

But why is he limiting himself to wearing patterns on only the pocket squares? I know he wants the business community to take him seriously, but come on! Patterns! Colour! The fans demand it! At least he mixes it up with his outwear. Like what appears to be velvet and purple.

Finally, something interesting. I need to point out though, that the jeweler he visits is wearing a paisley tie. Chuck used to wear paisley ties with aplomb. I miss those days.

Instead of artfully mixing patterns and colours, he spends his days looking like an extra for that Wall Street sequel.

A word of advice: Chuck Bass, you are better than any movie starring Shia LaBeouf. Don't dress like you play Shia's co-worker. Once again, he redeems himself through outerwear. If only he could do that all the time. But I'll take what I can get and that's a plaid wool coat:

Nice coat, right? Well, the awesome doesn't stop there. Let's take a closer look at the collar: 

It's a cable knit! Yes! I knew you still had a bit of your old fashionable self still in there somewhere (also: note the studs instead of buttons). Ditch the grey suits Chuck, please. For your fans.

Blair doesn't do much that is exciting or to redeem her lackluster wardrobe. Here's another episode where Blair wears yet another tailored dress with a big zipper and strong shoulders.

At least they got cute in the costume department and gave her a fleur de lys pendant.

The only time Blair has any fun all episode is when she decides that she's going to have some role play fun as Anna Karenina.

Questionable, but I applaud her committment to the role playing. Her formal wear is pretty enough, but is once again limited to black and sequins.

I know you've left high school and headbands behind, but like I've told Dan and Chuck: colour is your friend. Unlike Chuck, her outerwear doesn't redeem itself. Instead, she looks like she just stepped off the set of Dynasty.

As the reviewer for New York Magazine pointed out, Jenny could have used Blair's gigantic earrings as a way to smuggle in drugs.

Still ugly, but less hideous than Serena and Violette in that bolero.