The Debarted, Part 1 of 4 - Serena, Maureen, Tripp

Episode Synopsis: Ugh, this episode was painful. From Serena and Tripp’s reluctance to live in the a world where logic...I don’t know...pops in once in a while? to Chuck’s Ghost Dad hallucinations, “The Debarted” was one episode I’m glad to leave in the middle of a dark road as target practice for Tripp’s Range Rover.


Let's examine this trio. You may call them Jack, Jackie, and Marilyn (btw, I'm still spelling Jack's name as Tripp, not Trip. It was Tripp in the previous season, so despite what his campaign posters said, I'm sticking with the extra P.)

First, we have Marilyn:

Sweet, naive Serena who believes that Love Will Keep Us Together.

She's the canary in the cage, if you substitute canary for dumb 18 year old in a wrap sweater and cage for the not-a-cottage.

See this hat?  Remember it.

Post accident (I maintain that those were husky dogs, not wolves) Serena appears to be fine, other than a few bumps and scrapes.  Which begs the question - WHY DOESN'T TRIPP'S CAR HAVE AIRBAGS?  Also, I'd like to know why NO ONE IS QUESTIONING HER BANGED UP HEAD and the MATCHING WINDSHIELD MARK on the PASSENGER'S SIDE not the DRIVERS SIDE WHERE TRIPP MOVED HER!  Questions, people...questions!  Also, CAPITAL LETTERS!

Whatev.  Serena has no time for this nonsense.  She's got a perfume commercial to shoot.

SCENE: Hopsital.  A beautiful blonde emerges through a set of double doors, wearing an etheral cream ensemble.  VOICEOVER: "Ho Number 5.  Wear it when you make bad decisions."

Ok, on to Tripp.  Drab colored sweater but sure, I'll buy it.  It looks like what our fallen Congressman would wear whilst holed up at his "cottage".

For his jaunt outdoors, Tripp has copied the "What WASPs Wear on Crisp Autumn Days" page of the Official Preppy Handbook.

Although, I'm confused.  Isn't it post-Thanksgiving?  I'm quite certain that the trees are not so golden and lovely in Nassau County, early December.

Oh!  Hi, Maureen!

BRA-FREAKING-VO!  I would like to marry this outfit.  The coat color is perfection on her, and the status bag says she means business.  I forgive the hideous outfit at Thanksgiving, Mo.  You are Jackie!

 And did you see the back of her hat?  [insert giddy squeeling]

The Debarted, Part 2 of 4 - Jenny and the CB/St Jude Kids

Huh.  Look at that.  Jenny appears to be wearing an actual skirt to school.  I guess when the thermometer dips, Little J makes sure her upper thighs are covered.  So sensible, that one.

Her YSL Roady might say "I'm Queen and you're not" but her gloves say "'Scuse me, gov'ner...have ya got a ha'penny?"

I do love this coat, though.  And the hair extensions look nice, unlike the girl I stood behind the other day on the train.  No, seriously...this is a true story.  Her real hair barely covered her extension roots, much to the amusement of me and my fellow Chicago Transit Authority passengers.  Jenny would never let her extension roots show.  Nor, I imagine, would Queen Jenny take public transportation.  I guess this is why I will never be Queen of Constance Billard School for Girls.

Another fabulous coat, and pretty earrings.  Jenny, you've come such a long way from the rat-headed, racoon-eyed Jenny of earlier this season.

sigh But still, with the gloves.  Is this her way of hanging on to her rock n' roll Brooklyn roots?

Ok, remember when I told you to remember Serena's floppy hat?  Look at what we have here...

Are these hats The New Thing?  I have one, but I didn't realize they were quite so ubiquitous among the high school set.  Now I wonder if I'm on-trend, or just a wannabe member of Jenny's clique. Damn you, Gossip Girl, for making me question my wardrobe!

Oh, and I am SO over the matching colors!  Heathers did it best, GG.  Don't try to copy.

Speaking of wannabe, even Wannabe Girl has caught the hat bug.

As has Random CB Girl in the background.  THE HATS!  THEY ARE TAKING OVER!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

(Hey Eric nice to see you love the coat love the tousled hair ::air kiss, air kiss:: call me for a fro-yo date bye!)

The Debarted, Part 3 of 4 - Blair and Chuck

Shhhh...shhh.  Let's just not say anything for a moment and relish in the glory of Blair's lovely pencil skirt and houndstooth shirt....



Quiet, I'm still relishing. 

Ok, I'm back and am ready to worship at the altar of this perfect coat.  I know, I know...I have a thing for coats.  But isn't this one gorgeous?

Let's look at the little knife pleats on the back.  People, I'm positively swooning.



Long shot.  The swinging coat, the pink heels, the grey cloche....not at all what a college freshman would wear, but I'm willing to suspend belief for this perfect outfit.

Changing topics for a minute, those homeless people?  Not looking particularly homeless.

I actually think this is a brilliant costuming moment.  Stick with me, here.  We all know that Blair would not normally go out looking like she dressed in the dark, right?  So the fact that she did hits home the point that she is truly concerned about Serena.  What we're seeing here is character development through a sartorial lens.  Well done, Wardrobe Department.  Well done.



Hey Chuck.  Wearin' a suit, huh?  Just like all the other episodes this season?  Y'know, even Dear Old Dad wore a sweater every now and then.



Speaking of Bart, here he is!  I guess they have tailors in the hereafter?

Back to the living.  It's...Chuck's mom?  Whoever this lady is, someone needs to tell her that there are only two occasions where a scarf around your head does not look silly: 1) As a motorist in a convertible and 2) if you're over the age of 70.  Mystery Locket Lady does not appear to be either of these things.



The Debarted, Part 4 of 4 - All the Rest

Dan's taking this drama major thing seriously.  He appears to currently be working on a project with a 70's porn star/lumberjack focus. 

There's a "wood" joke in there somewhere, but I'm too bored by Dan to work it out.

Hi, Nate.  Hangin' out in the Village again, even though you go to school in Morningside Heights?  'K...just checking.  Like the grey jeans, btw.

Ugh, really?  Do I have to analyze this?  I so don't want to.  They look crazy.  Disheveled.  Oh wait...is this what fashion editors mean by "bohemian"?

I have nothing good to say about this bag.  You can't make me like it!

What the hell is with this top?  Why does this fresh-faced girl think it's stylish to dress like an Amish cocktail waitress? 

Look, even V agrees with me!

I need a break from all this dorm madness.  Let's escape to some penthouse madness, shall we? 

May I just say that I love the contrast of Lily's bold bib necklace and her simple sweater.  Vanessa (and Gabriela), take note: this is how you wear jewelry.

I wonder how many Hermes bags Lily owns.  A lot?  Enough to tote around all her dark secrets?

Unlike her daughter, here Lily looks less like a perfume ad and more like a patient at a really fancy psych ward.  Baubles!

Doesn't Rufus van der Humphrey seem sort of ball-less?  I don't get it...has his daily routine changed significantly since leaving Brooklyn?  Then again, I suppose he doesn't have the gallery any longer, thus he and his pullover sweaters are sent to co-op board meetings.

But this?  This is not a co-op meeting.  This is perhaps a committee meeting for the Influenza Ball, or maybe even the Wednesday Ladies Who Lunch group, but it is not a co-op meeting.  They look far too happy.  I will say that I adore their preppy princess outfits.

Lily's building strikes me as the sort of place where there might reside a few elderly society doyennes who perhaps saw the two Cougars on the left and said in their best you're-brown-so-obviously-you-don't-speak-English-therefore-I'm-going-to-shout-so-you-can-understand-me voice: "EXCUSE ME.  THE SERVANTS' ELEVATOR IS DOWN.  THE.  HALL."  I wonder how many months these poor Cougars had to endure that ("Christ on a cracker...Mrs. Heppleworth is out in the hall. I'm staying put.")

Ooh, things are looking up at 500 East 55th*.  Old lady Heppleworth moved out and the lead singer from Lincoln Hawk moved in.  Rawr!

*If we are to believe the address written on The Letter...the van der Humphreys live practically in the East River?  I think not.

PREVIEW: The Debarted

I've been hearing rumors for a while of some sort of Dickensian moral for our anti-hero Chuck.  At the risk of being wrong, I'm calling next week's show right now:

1) Chuck is being Cold And Heartless (vid clip)

2) Serena gets her pretty head banged up (last 10 seconds of this vid clip) and ends up in the hospital, no doubt with a period of unconsciousness somewhere in there

3) Ergo, the two plot points intersect and while our blonde beauty is barely breathing, she will appear as a Ghost of Christmas Whenev to Chuck, thus teaching him the Error of His Ways.

If I'm right, you biatches owe me the handbag Jenny and the Minions* are coveting (vid clip)

*I am SO starting a band called Jenny and the Minions