Enough About Eve, 1 of 3 - Blair and Vanessa

Synopsis: This week Vanessa wears a tasteful amount of jewelry and gets her hair combed…or does she? Chuck kissed a boy. Olivia gives the worst gifts ever. Lily keeps making a face that says, "what the hell have I married into?" Jenny didn't get a storyline and they didn't even bother to call Eric onto the set. Serena plays poker. Nate plays Serena. Blair and Vanessa play each other. Pretty much everyone loses. 

The episode begins in a sepia toned scene and Blair and Chuck are looking, well, glamorous and hot. But why the sad face B?

Oh B, why so sad? You should be as happy as V and everyone at home: V has had her hair combed! She’s not wearing one pattern at all! Not even a little bit!

Look at that hair! That dress! It is dress porn! And not only can you count the pieces of jewelry on one hand, you won’t even use all your fingers trying to count. Bracelet, earrings, aaaaaand…that’s it!

So lovely! It’s like it’s a dream. Oh. Wait. It was.  Only in Blair’s dreams would Vanessa be wearing a gown with perfectly coiffed hair.  At least when she woke up to the realization that V will never get dolled up like that, she had this to wake up to:

Good morning hottness! But more on Chuck and his commitment to purple later. 

Ever wonder what Blair wears to bed? Satin romper, that’s what.

Righto. I’m exactly the same. Except it involves more flannel and less satin and lace. Despite waking up to Chuck, her day gets off to a rocky start when she realizes her dress makes people stare at her nipples all day long:

I could almost like the dress if my eyes weren’t constantly drawn to her nipples.  It didn’t help that the minions had been going through her dry cleaning again.

Of course, running into this would ruin anyone’s day:

The leggings alone have been giving me nightmares since watching Monday’s episode.  That shot not enough for you? Let’s take another look:

Don’t look so smug kitten. Just because the pattern on your blouse hides the chains on your necklace, doesn’t make it okay. Especially since you decided it was okay to wear the outfit with these boots (and I apologize for the photo quality here)

I bet you’re thinking, “okay, now I’ve seen it all. The outfit can’t get any worse.” But you know what? Of course it can!  Check out the glimmer and shine on that puppy

See! It could get worse. And with that bedspread? I think a blood vessel exploded in my temple. 

How do you recover from an outfit like that? Normally I’d tell you to take a look at what Blair is sporting, but not today. That won’t help you at all. 

What the what now? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Am I most horrified by that skirt with that sweater? Or is it just that sweater?

Yeah, it’s mostly the sweater. It’s like Nana’s bestest, blingiest sweater for her bus trip with the seniors group to Vegas to play the slots. Maybe if she asks nice, V will lend her the leggings to make the outfit complete.  And how does she accessorize? With a bag that matches the bedazzling on her sweater, naturally.

And just as you are coming around from that bedazzled sweater nightmare, V tries to throw you for a loop with this one:

Almost okay. Almost. Until we see that it has weird pleats and ruffles and it’s ill fitting on the hips. And she wore yellow shoes with it.

Oh V. We were so close to dressing you up pretty.  Oh, and the back? Giant gold zipper:

I think Lily is having second thougths about inviting bohemians over for breakfast. 

Of course, no look is complete without at least three bangles, a giant pendant, big earrings and an enormous ring.

But where did V learn to dress like that? Is this boho chic something she just picked up during her fancy free days of homeschooling and living on her own in NYC at the age of 17?  Oh no. The sartorial apple didn’t fall far from it’s tree. That’s right. Meet Mommy Dearest: Gabriela!

Mismatched patterns and all the jewelry you own at the same time? Oh yeah. That’s how V rolls and that's how Gabriela does it too.  The Abrams women take that boho look from day to night by trading their giant tote bags (some I actually like) in for enormous clutches:

They continue to wear as much fabric, patterns and jewelry as possible. All at once.

If Lily is looking for her earrings from last weeks’ episode, Vanessa is now wearing them as a necklace. 

And while I’d normally jump onto the oversized purple clutch bandwagon, I have to draw a line somewhere. And that line happens to be right around the same place as “evening bags shouldn’t be as big as the main floral centerpiece”.

At least B knows how to dress for a party.

Too bad V totally ruined her night and that she has to put up with stupid minions.  Also too bad that her necklace is a bit like something a six year old whipped up.  Whatevs. This has been a hard episode for B.

Besides, I’d probably wear that necklace.  The episode doesn’t get any easier for her though. Just as she wakes up from the nightmares caused by Vanessa's overflowing dress with its plunging neckline that was threatening to show some boobage and at least two metres of fabric in each sleeve, she has to spend the day in whatever this is:

One too many old movies for B, because I think she tore down the brocade curtains to make that thing. Which could explain the unfinished seams and the giant zipper going down the front. Dorota's gonna be pissed when she sees the curtains this morning.

Too bad B. You might want to slip into the ladies' room, because I think your dress is on inside out. You can take some solace in the fact that your necklace is kind of cute.  Although, I’m not convinced that the bright yellow ostrich lunchbox was your best choice of purse

At least you still have enough sense not to wear these jeans:

I think Vanessa got an earring stuck in her hair. Maybe if the hair/makeup people would let her comb it every now and then (it seems to get bigger throughout the episode. Like they backcomb and tease between takes), that kind of thing wouldn’t happen. But no. They have some kind of “more is awesome” policy with V:

So much hair. So much jewelry. It’s a good thing she homeschooled, because she’d never make it through a public school metal detector in all that stuff. You know, if she she wore just the necklace or just the earrings, I'd probably like them. Of course, that would make for less snark, so keep it coming Gossip Girl Wardrobe Department!

And as the episode closes, we are left with the two saddest girls in Brooklyn. So sad that not even croissants can cheer them up (that’s pretty sad. Croissants always cheer me up).  Then again, with outfits like these, it may be beyond the powers of the French pastry to help you out.

 

Enough About Eve, 2 of 3 - Serena, Nate, Dan, Olivia and Chuck

The episode was heavy on the Blair and Vanessa, which means not nearly enough screen time was given to Serena’s shrinking wardrobe. Don’t worry, she did the best she could do. Like starting off her day in this little number:

Some women call that a cocktail dress. For college dropout Serena van der Woodsen, it’s just another day at the office.  You know how it is, a friend calls you on Monday morning, says he’s skipping class. You need to whip something on. So you pick the plum assymetrical cocktail dress. No biggie. Totally normal. The necklace doesn't really go, so you just wrap it around your wrist a few times.  At least she’s trying to downplay her boobs by choosing a dress with a drapey sash over the front.

It doesn’t help that she’s hanging out with Nate, who is determined to bore us all to death with his wardrobe. Almost every dress looks flashy when you’re with Nate.

At least the shirt is fitted. And by not tucking it in, we’ll never know that he’s gone beltless.  

As for Serena, the dress is maybe five inches too short.  But once again, totally normal when hanging out a political campaign office. (Also, does Nate actually go to Columbia? Or did he just register and then decide that classes were for chumps?)

I do need to talk to Nate about his collars: For the love of god man! Just straighten them a bit when you put a jacket on!

The sad thing is,  that’s Nate’s entire wardrobe for the episode. Covered in two pictures. Even Dan got more costume changes.  Back to Serena then, shall we?

You’re probably wondering how these two upper eastsiders spend their day, seeing as college isn’t really their bag (despite all Nate’s whining that he needed to prove himself). Well, they head on down to the Douchebag Warehouse for a game of poker.

Where did they find these guys? There’s a Swingers era Vince Vaughn wannabe hanging out. But nothing tops Bree Buckley’s cousin PJ. Nothing says style like that popped collar of douchiness.

Seriously? Did Texas not get the memo that popped collars are no longer the badass frat boy style?  Despite the collar, PJ does know a thing or two about good taste. He knows that Serena’s skirt is just about short enough to show off all the goods. And that it is not a skirt for before noon.

Oh PJ, I know. I make that face every time Serena walks on screen. I think I made similar face later on in the episode when she wore this

Even Nate is perplexed. Why Serena? Why short shorts in mid-October? We could have dealt with the top and vest and even the crazy necklace, if only you’d worn a pair of jeans.  But no.  She wears short shorts and she’ll keep on wearing them to any and all events, regardless of how appropriate they are for either the occasion or the season. (Then again, if I had Blake Lively's legs, I might do the same). Like breakfast with the fam.

Nice one S. If you’re trying to make your ex-boyfriend/stepbrother’s new girlfriend feel bad about herself and the dumpy outfit she chose to wear to breakfast, then you win.

Speaking of the girlfriend of the ex-boyfriend/stepbrother, Hilivia does dumpy floral like nobody's business.

What is that? A romper? And does New York not have seasons? Does no one in New York even need a sweater? Are the rich and famous impervious to cold? Well, in her defense, it is not a romper. That doesn’t mean it’s not ugly. Because it is.

I have cuter bedding than that. Apparently it’s what she wears when she gives her friends tacky gifts. Like this watch for Dan.

Dan is looking…well, he’s looking like Dan. Plaid shirt, jeans. I wish the costume designer would have a bit more fun with him, if only to make my job easier. I can’t snark properly if all you’re going to do is dress him in plaid shirts! 

But Dan is a nice guy. So nice that he actually puts on the tacky watch for his girlfriend.

Sweet kid. I’m not sure I would have done that much (I’m talking about wearing the watch, not the fact that he’s kissing her).

I can’t figure Olivia out. She dresses in the cutesy floral that only looks good on toddlers during the daytime, but when her boyfriend cooks her dinner at night, she wears this:

Clearly she and Dan were not on the same page about how to dress for the event, because Dan is sporting something that you might wear to bed or on the way to the gym. 

I know he’s trying to cook, but try harder Dan.  Olivia agrees with me.

Again with the same faces I make when I see some of these outfits. That one says, "ennnnhhh...really? That's all you've got?"

Now, here’s where Olivia really confuses me. She tells Dan she needs to pop back to the dorm to change for this freshman parents’ weekend thing (no, I don’t understand what it is either. Is it NYU’s version of a homecoming weekend or something?). Now let’s take a second look at the purple dress, ignoring the fact that she chose to pair it with a gigantic red bag (a bag I'd probably like if it were a different outfit):

I don’t love this dress, but I don’t completely hate it either. You might even think it seems appropriate for cocktails with parents and alumni. But you’d be wrong. Apparently this is more appropriate:

Right. A dress that is almost the same colour as your skin tone and it barely keeps the girls in. According to Miss Serena’s Guide to Formal Dress Codes, this is indeed appropriate.

And when you’re done making an idiot of yourself in front of your boyfirend’s parents? Wear floral. They’ll totally change their minds about you and think you’re a sweet kid. A sweet kid who likes to dress as though she’s a frumpy middle aged minister’s wife.

At least through all of this boring menswear and the either inappropriate or frumpy womenswear, I’ve got my Pretend Boyfriend, Chuck Bass. Who starts his day out in a purple paisley robe.

Of course he does.  If it were any other man, you’d question just about everything Chuck wears. But the minute he says, “I’m Chuck Bass,” you reply with, “Of course you are. Of course you’d wear that” and everything is alright. And this week, there was a deep commitment to the colour purple by Chuck.

Take a moment to compose yourself..... Okay, now we can move on and appreciate the fact that he’s given up on the overwrought double breasted suits he wore earlier in the season. I do miss the bolder choices that high school Chuck made, but at least he’s still got some paisley in his ties.

And at least he’s using colour, which is more than we can say for Nate and Dan, who seem to live for grey.  Let’s compare.

Dan:

Chuck:

Dan gets a point for looking like he might be an eighteen year old, but now that he’s a van der Humphrey, he can afford a better suit. And Chuck, who is wearing a good suit, is starting to dress like a 40 year old man.  The Gordon Gecko thing has got to stop. 

And holy crap! It has just occurred to me! Olivia in her frumpy middle aged woman dress? Blair in her Nana’s gonna win big in Vegas sweater? Chuck in his Gordon Gecko attire? They’re all trying to dress about forty years older than they actually are. Because seriously. In what world would suspenders make you take an 18 year old businessman any more seriously than if he wore a belt instead?

Chuck, I love you, I do. But enough with the suspenders already.

But carry on with the purple. Someone has got to wear some frigging colour on this show.   

 

Enough About Eve, 3 of 3 - Everyone Else

And now it’s time for those who didn’t get screentime this week. Before we begin, a moment of silence for the character of Eric. Rendered so inconsequential and useless that he doesn’t even get to make a cameo for breakfast. Olivia may have stolen his chair at the van der Humphrey table, but he has forever stolen our hearts. Or something.

Moving on.

Jenny! Who gets less lines/screentime than the new minions do.

Awww…her bad self is so adorable. You know how she’s all tough and alternative? Because you can see her bra strap.

Oh yeah. Badness. You see, good girls don’t show their bra straps, but Jenny isn’t a good girl. She’s punk. So punk she has waffles at home with the fam on a Sunday morning.

Rock on Jenny, rock on.  And while you’re at it, maybe sew an extra inch on your skirt. Or maybe pick a top that isn’t the colour of the leftover milk from a bowl of Lucky Charms. Just a thought. You are supposed to be the fashion designer of the family.

And that’s all airtime Li’l J got. Better luck next week, kiddo.

On the other hand, we did get to see a bit of Lily. Actress Kelly Rutherford spent the episode making every woman who has ever had a baby feel bad about herself. Baby? What three month old baby?

And that’s her outfit for waffles! Personally, I don’t do satin when I’m eating waffles. I hate trying to explain to my dry cleaner that I got syrup on my top. 

For meeting Vanessa’s mom, also a breakfast date, Lily once again looks stunning.

She also makes a face that says, “Haha. This joke where you wear Vanessa’s clothes to fool me is a funny one.” Of course, that leads to an awkward moment where she realizes that no, these are Gabriela’s own clothes and this woman actually got up this morning and said, “this flowy skirt in the completely different pattern from the flowy top is the perfect outfit for today. Let me just add ten bracelets, two rings and a couple of necklaces. Perfect.” 

I’m sorry to say, but this is what happens when you marry washed up rockers from Brooklyn, Lily.  What also happens is that this guy starts moving his “Welcome Back Kotter” mugs (how delightfully kooky!) and records into your apartment:

Now that is true love. Because that guy in the plaid is moving in to live with this woman:

And she’s totally okay with the fact that he will always look that dorky and schlubby.

My guess is that in public Lily probably acts all modest and says things like, “oh, this old thing? I just threw it on”. But when she’s alone in front of her mirror? Dollars to donuts she says things like, “nailed it yet again Lily van der Woodsen WhateverKlaus’namewas Bass Humphrey. You are a vision.”  And who are we to argue? Except, since that’s sort of the point of this blog, I will say that she could have picked a better bra to go with this dress.

I know. It’s a stretch. But satin isn’t forgiving and she should know better. Next time Lily, I don’t want to see the outline of your bra.

As for the little people on the show, well, here they are.

Carter looks unhappy. Possibly because he’s had to wear the same outfit for the entire third season and the frigging CW couldn’t spring for stupid belt.

Or maybe he’s cranky that he has to go do manual labour in Texas. But my money is on the fact that he didn’t once get to wear a belt.

Minions!

They have names!

Amalia is kind of a lesser Penelope, but with the same fashion sense. Which is why she wore a pink polka dotted hairband with a high necked blue ruffled blouse and a floral print skirt.

Memo to Blair: if you’re going to take over the school, take your minions shopping first. Because while Amalia’s was just kind of sad, Minion number 2 (Sophie) is actually wearing one of your sundresses from the summer:

Not cool Blair. Not cool. 

And Minion Amalia could also use some work on her formal wear. The puckering satin isn’t going to do her hips any favours.

I couldn’t get a good shot of the full dress, but Minion Sophie is about two ruffles short of a Miss J gimmick on ANTM:

 

PREVIEW: Enough About Eve

This photo alone is enough to make me want to sabotage Leslie-Anne's internet just so I can write tonight's fashion recap.

I mean...holy crap!  It's V looking ladylike!  If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was a publicity still for a different project that the lovely Jessica Szohr is secretly working on, just so she can get a break from all the batik and beads.

Also on GG tonight:

Chuck likes boy-oys!  Chuck likes boy-oys!  (vid clip)

Hilivia meets the van der Humphreys (vid clip)

Serena plays poker. (Poker? I hardly...oh wait...Serena van der Woodsen?  Yeah, I totally know her.  And poked her.)

...and I predict there will be no more than 3 belts shown on male characters.

Check out the extended trailer here.

(Oh btw - we're gonna start doing episode previews here on YKYLF.  You like?)