Valley Girls - Part 1 of 2 - Blast from the Past

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme - Chuck Bass' claims not to be into your girlfriend aren't worth a dime. Dan springs Serena from the pokey and escorts her to prom, a magical night engineered by fairy godfather Chuck to be everything Queen B's ever dreamed of (remind me why she's with Nate again?) While the kids are grooving down, making out and getting it on, Lily takes a trip down memory lane and a spin down the highway to California and her teenage self.

Cue young Lily, a prep without compare. An ensemble of pink shirt, argyle sweater vest and belted pink slacks are more middle aged spread than the young and restless, but her tweed blazer is just adorable enough to pull the whole look together.

Real world Lily is still in her warrior jewellery and dressed as a mocha frappuccino in far too many shades of brown. No wonder Blair is judging her.

Good thing Cece's on hand to keep up the fabulous quota. I love the different shades of ivory and beige, and the raggedyness of her lapels is gorgeous with a tailored blouse and sleek hair.

Back down Memory Lane, we meet not only young Cece - a fierce fox who takes her gin without tonic and who makes Dynasty look cheap - but also Rick Rhodes, AKA Blane McDonough.

If you don't get the Pretty in Pink reference, that's on you. I'm not old enough to have watched the Brat Pack films either, but they are too good to miss.

When Rick rejects Lily's love and we begin to understand why she married daddy issues machine Bart Bass, our heroine goes in search of her sister Carol...instead, she finds Owen, a rockabilly bad boy stereotype. 

I thought he might be young Rufus. That plaid shirt and leather jacket threw me for a while.

But Rufus doesn't have it in him to be a bad boy. His failed proposal suit is still nice and crisp, but his heart is not.

And while Lily's no bad seed herself, she still thinks breakfast is an adequate apology for having her daughter arrested. She does 'angelic' well in a soft grey t-shirt and white cardigan...and then reminds us she's a force to be reckoned with by adding some serious sparkle.

Cece is a salmon coloured sweatsuit, so she's still fresh after kicking your ass. Like mother, like daughter: blingy earrings and a brooch work surprisingly well with workout gear.

Young Lily is still hunting Carol and needs to blend in with the natives. Gratuitous eighties montage time!

Much better. There's some of the Lily we know and love in there with the overload of pearls, a sharp leather jacket a la Serena and a dress that defies description. I like it, now I hate it, now I like it again.

I actually do hate what Carol's wearing - not the miniature sitars hanging from her ears so much as red leather, red lipstick and a surfeit of crosses. Who is she, Hellboy?

Carol's gunning for the guy who stole her music video and slept with her - now I see where Serena gets it from. His name is Keith van der Woodsen, so I guess he's young Billy Baldwin's brother? So that means Serena's maternal aunt hooked up with her paternal uncle and...let's just focus on his nasty turned up collar and dislike of colour and detail.

Since Lily gets her lovin' from Rufus nowadays, she also turns to him for advice about Serena. The funny thing is, I almost like this plaid shirt. The red in the pattern is a bold choice for Rufus.

Rufus and Lily smoke pot together in the next episode, but let's focus on earlier infractions. Carol posts bail in a slightly more acceptable outfit, even for 1983. Her striped shirt and denim jacket combo is tres Parisienne, as are the headwrap and chandelier earrings.

Olivia Newton Mom does not approve. Way to get physical, Cece.

But in the real world, I approve. This sequinned pashmina is so covetable - if a little too much when worn with heavy jewellery.

I must also point out that Cece's perfect waves would shame her grandaughter's ratty locks.

Valley Girls - Part 2 of 2 - Back to the Future

The Humphreys have a pow-wow about Rufus getting married, then he arrives and it's awkward.

Thanks to Beth for pointing out this no-colour dark shirt is seersucker. I now feel obliged to say that I see it, and it sucks.

Jenny is in her usual taupe tank, but there are pearls mixed in with her chains today and not too much panda makeup obscuring her vision. She looks pretty, if a little washed out.

Vanessa makes one appearance this episode (good, because I always want to yell, 'she doesn't even go here!' in Constance Billiard scenes) and is not dressed too appallingly! Her embroidered duck egg blue blouse is something I'd wear myself, ditto the brown waistcoat on top.

Even her jewellery isn't too heavy or nasty looking. It's a prom night miracle!

Speaking of prom night, Chuck is sooo not recreating your girlfriend's childhood fantasy by sabotaging everything you plan, Nathaniel. Look at his outfit's innocent pallette and attempt to mix with the proles in that plaid shirt.

Nate is confused. I would be too if I went out wearing my nana's raincoat over my pyjamas.

The only dream of Serena's that Dan can fulfil is her release from jail. Like Chuck, he is attempting to appear inconspicuous. That t-shirt has a definite sense of 'wall' or 'sidewalk' about it.

Serena may not have been worked over with the phonebook, but she's not looking her best. I swear she wasn't arrested wearing that coat...

Blair isn't dressed too well either, so I cunningly used the arrival of a bespoke Marchesa prom dress from Paris to cover up her shapeless black sack dress.

Eric has a five second cameo, neither taking part in any eighties montages nor going to prom. His blue plaid shirt is acceptable, if only because the nice colour takes my mind off the pattern.

Fast forward to prom night, where Dan too is underwhelming. I praised his combination of purple and black once, and now I see it everywhere. He couldn't have spiced it up a bit?

Like this?!

Purple. Black. A mixture of colours in the bowtie, shot through with cream to match the bouttoniere.

Chuck's wardrobe is the one you have a long and happy life with. Dan's is the one you look back on and shudder.

Tonight of all nights, the minions look particularly lacklustre. There are things I do like - the pleated, sea shell shaped bodice of Hazel's dress, Penelope's bedazzled hair flower, Nelly Yuki's coral gown - and things that I loathe - everything Iz is wearing, purple accessories with pink dresses, pink accessories with purple dresses and so on.

Serena is, by contrast, a delight in nudes and sparkles - although now I come to think of it, it does seem she's suddenly gone down a cup size and the bodice is saggy. Never mind. Swishy, shimmering skirts and tumbling hair are perfect for a princess...

If not for a queen.

As I mentioned, this glorious black and gold peacock feather effect gown was made for the show by Marchesa and unfortunately never produced commercially. Blair compliments it with metallic fingernails and an incredible oversize citrine or topaz ring and necklace that bring out the deeper tones of the gold. Her dazzling flowered tiara is the ultimate finishing touch.

And I nearly forgot to mention how handsome Nate was in his flawless tux, although that bouttoniere is worringly similar to the one Chuck wore at Bart and Lily's wedding.

"Turns out fairytales end when they do for a reason," says Blair sagely.

I'd really like to remind the current characters of this moment - the girl who was over fairytales married a prince, her best friend kept pinging back to the guy with the bad hair, Nate continued to be confused and Chuck selflessly organised a prom and now selflessly cares for a dog, selflessly leaves the love of his life alone and selflessly has no good storylines.

What a difference a few seasons can make.