Remains of the J - Part 1 of 3 - My Super Sweet Sixteen

After her first wedding, her first divorce, her second wedding and the birth of her first child, a girl’s Sweet Sixteen is her finest hour. Too bad Jenny wants to celebrate with a pity party and Hungry, Hungry Hippos, while Serena would prefer a swanky soiree to up her social status. What the Vuck? Chuck and Vanessa team up to make Blair and Nate jealous (and end up going down themselves), while Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy is obvious to everyone except the costume department. Let’s roll on with the show…

World, meet Jenny Humphrey, the teen whom style has forsaken. They call her Little J, probably because she appears to be wearing baby clothes and her hair resembles the down on a drunken duckling.

Soon to be half-sister Serena rocks complimentary colours this episode – for example, a red and navy coat with grey accents, matched with a scarf, gloves and boots. The outfit is charming, so I’ll ignore the fact that the hem length and boot height make leggy Blake Lively look stumpy.

Beneath the coat is another lovely pairing of beige waistcoat and beige and grey striped top, but her tie begs the question: does Constance Billiard even have a dress code?

The silver and yellow of this necklace and blouse combo is inspired, but a) why are the sleeves coming away at the seams, and b) why are said sleeves tied up at the ends like bizarre kiddie balloons?

Jenny’s casualwear of a grey cardigan with herringbone frill and dark blue vest is far more sensible. And boring.

Serena’s drive to sabotage Jenny’s chilli fest is fuelled by – who else? The minions. They're doing a floral tribute at school, with flowered headbands and overcoats in shades of sage, cranberry and indigo.

Their party dresses are really not up to par. Penelope’s sequinned cap sleeves are cute, but a little much with a ruffled bodice, while Hazel isn’t so much neat in nude as nearly naked in her strangely puckered choice. Shiny leopard print, Iz…oh my. Oh no.

Nelly is more than acceptable in a gathered, high-necked sequinned gown in gunmetal grey. The jury’s still out on the torque, though, even if it does compliment the dress. I’m really not into the whole torque necklace vibe. Unless you’re Boudicca or Shakira, don’t bother.

Serena, I am not so impressed by. Sex hair is not for public consumption, and a sack with a plunging V is not suitable for a party – it’s too low when it stops being cleavage and becomes actual boob outline.

Jenny looks utterly gorgeous in the confection, making sure to wear a hue different from her skin tone so she doesn’t look naked. The earrings are lovely, her makeup is light and she generally seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth…

…if you forget she turned this night of delight into a rager, of course.

But where there are awkward moments, you’ll find Wise Gay Teens, ever coolly contrasting in blue and grey and black and pink.

And where actions have consequences, you’ll find Serena, running like Hell. This lemon yellow coat is to die for, it’s so lovely with her hair.

She runs to Poppy Lifton, who has the sleek hair of a mink plus the desire for camouflage, fawn and grey of a mink. She pops up, causes trouble, then disappears back to Spain with her beau.

‘Hey! Aren’t I those twins from the social network?’

Meet Carolina blue Gabriel, several feet taller than Serena and garbed in a pinstriped lilac shirt. Like all guest stars, he somewhat resembles Nate.

In the ashes of Serena’s flight, two young men make the best of wool in a dreamy blue sweater and black cardigan compete with a drunken duckling with a miniature coin purse slung around her neck.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jenny Humphrey. I liked you better in season one.

Remains of the J - Part 2 of 3 - The Dating Game

Ding dong, Bad Blair is dead, and in her place we have glorious flowing curls, tweed, a darling cloche, a dinky bowtie and more pouting than you can shake a stick at. All hail Queen B.

Too bad her failed seduction of Chuck last episode means he’s gunning for her in a disgustingly cute rounded collar. Is that a hint of waistcoat I see?

Maybe it’s part of Blair’s plan to escape Chuck’s wiles, or maybe Eric Daman messed up. Either way, that is not the hat from a scene earlier – it has tassels, for heaven’s sake! – though that is the same coat.

I’d like to say this is another costume boo-boo, but it’s meant to look that way. The sweater’s lace point collar is absolutely gorgeous, but that top was not meant to be tucked, especially not into a cream skirt.

And Blair’s hair was not supposed to resemble Shakespeare’s, I’m not surprised Nate kissed her on the forehead and ran away.

Much better. We only get a glimpse of the dress Blair almost wears to Jenny’s party, but the silver thread pattern is very classic with those thick black straps. More Audrey than Austen.

Vanessa agrees to help bring down Nate and Blair. Chuck wears a suitably sinister robe.

This, however, is far too hot for a Hepburn movie.

The sad thing is that this dress, with its electric blue detail and super skintight fit, is lit so poorly that I only realised while capping that it wasn’t black. And Blair even bothered to wear matching eye shadow.

Ring ring, hello? From The Lizzie McGuire Movie in which Dan’s future girlfriend Olivia conveniently stars, ‘Dan Humphrey, you are an outfit repeater!’

Why would you put that much gel on a man with a high forehead? He’s not old enough for premature balding, nor for that choking collar and double breasted jacket. It’s a party, loosen up a little. Undo a button or two.

I said a button or two, not sleep with Vanessa! She’s even turned your pyjamas plaid, it’s like a Brooklyn based STI!

Speaking of Brooklyn…Dan, go back to bed and change into something more appropriate. Baggy pants are only acceptable on pregnant ladies and men with lots of gold jewellery and guns.

Remember how Blair failed to seduce Chuck? Well, she failed with Nate too, and is reduced to wandering around the park, seamlessly blending grey and several shades of purple together.

…that is, until Prince Charming appears with a valiant attempt at individuality in the form of a caramel coloured scarf. Even I, a Chair shipper to my core, think this scene is sweet.

You may now have five minutes to stare and imagine Blair is you.

Remains of the J - Part 3 of 3 - Pimp My Ride

This section is so-called because these guys really need to pull their socks up sartorially.

Poor Kelly Rutherford. Instead of sitting her down or hiding her behind interesting pieces of sculpture, her bump is swathed in unflattering sacks which fail to hide its existence.

And Rufus is in plaid.

And plaid again.

This is how pregnancy should be concealed, with posture and gentle draping. These silk pyjamas are very elegent, and Kelly’s glow sets off the pale colours beautifully. There are some pros to having a bun in the oven while on TV.

This detailed black coat with puffed sleeves also uses a warm skin tone to keep Lily from being washed out, although her face is a different shade to her hands. A little lighter on the foundation next time.

Same coat, different purse. Fabulous. Same Rufus, different brown clothing. Drabulous.

But the opposite of drab is over the top, which Vanessa never fails to be. I like her updo and earrings, but the heavy gold and coral cuff and turquoise necklace clash with the clean lines and silver buttons of her military coat.

I can’t see her blouse, but it sure as hell looks busy.

Nate’s grey beanie is adorable, but there’s his boring navy pea coat over his boring uniform again.

He doesn’t even bother to dress up to dump Vanessa, except perhaps like Grandpa in a cream cardigan. No comment on the baby blue shirt – yes, it makes his eyes pop, and yet no, that amount of blue is not permissible.

Nate’s not even smart enough to realise Blair’s on the seduce, something we could see from a mile off. Here comes the basic black suit and what may even be the same shirt as before; the pattern certainly seems similar.

Skanktastic!

And what could be skankier than this?

Maybe over-accessorising? Vanessa’s ruffled purple dress is pretty, but a neckline that high shouldn’t be crowded with two necklaces as well as huge hoop earrings, and the shiny pink cuff in the above picture is tacky.

Let’s face it, what about this storyline isn’t tacky?

To sum up: Lily is rich, Rufus is poor, Vanessa is morally poor, Chuck is morally bankrupt, Blair keeps throwing it but no one is going to pick it up. Nate seems clueless as to the ways of women, which is probably why he and Little J never went anywhere and she’s crashing her own parties. And Dan…oh, Dan. All I can say is that your hair is so much better here than it is this season.

As is the plot, frankly.