The Age of Dissonance - Part 1 of 3 - Centre Stage

All the world’s a stage, and all the UES’ men and women merely playing with each other’s hearts. Dan has his way with Cougar Carr in the closet with Serena three feet away as Chuck’s hooker nanny ping pongs between him and Carter, then bats him straight back to Blair, whose official rejection from Yale sends her all the way to crazy town. Nothing innocent about the Age of Dissonance…

Before the Columbia minions, there were the Constance minions.

Nothing can be said for the fringed curtain Nelly is wearing, but other wise I love how the classic outfits have been updated. Gloves stay but sleeves go missing, jewellery becomes heavier and fascinators larger.

Penelope’s maid’s costume is a particular coup: a transparent partlet and sleeves sex up that pretty white collar and apron.

Serena’s a regular swan princess in this blush gown with down accents. Nudes really flatter her skin tone so well. She’s really working the accessories, too: a fabulous feather fascinator and some net gloves.

The matching ribbon waistband and choker are a lovely touch.

And if Serena’s our Odette, then who must be Odile?

Playing the disgraced Countess Olenska, Blair looks scandalous in this textured cut-out dress. The updo and darling tricorn hat are perfectly period, whereas the puffed shoulders and body-con dress say cocktail hour rather than tea and cakes.

Dan is dressed appropriately, for once. He does white tie so nicely that I suggest it should become an everyday fixture of his wardrobe. That grey coat is to die for, I love the contrasting collar.

Nate is still the prettiest pony in the show, as dapper as Chuck in his ascot and scarf. This mix of grey and black is very similar to Dan’s, but Nate would certainly get the first place ribbon.

He has a top hat, after all.

But he wears dirty clothing when he’s not treading the boards – don’t be fooled by the lighting, that’s the same shirt. The difference between black coat and black cardigan does not a decent outfit make.

He still beats Dan’s rumpled school uniform.

Or this brown and khaki disaster.

If you combine these two wardrobe malfunctions, you get: a brown plaid and khaki V-neck concoction! I think this must be a picture of Penn, since Dan didn’t even smile while kissing Rachel Carr Letourneau.

Serena definitely isn’t pulling her weight this episode (or Blake Lively suddenly lost ten pounds and had no time to buy new clothes). A badly fitting black cami topped with a badly fitting grey cardigan, whose buttons match the silver Christmas ribbon she’s slung around her neck for no apparent reason.

Yes, Serena, I’d be laughing at myself too. And crying.

One thing in Blair’s favour is her excellent taste in tights; Serena’s basic black leggings fail to thrill, and her draped black blouse fails to show enough cleavage to thrill Julian, her director crush.

Though I get the feeling cleavage isn’t what floats Julian’s boat…

He's more hetero than metro with those drab colours and poorly fitted clothing, but no straight man has such perfect designer stubble.

Speaking of drab educators, Queller needs a Bump-It for her icky flat hair and a brighter alternative to charcoal. Her bow blouse is dull, despite the gold detailing.

But what does wow is Serena’s final ensemble. A blue dress is basic sexy Serena, but this leather jacket is so sharply cut that it’s more eveningwear than casual. That Chanel purse has stolen my heart – classic in black and gold, oversized and up to the minute. I’ll add it to my birthday list.

When Blair loses control, out come the fashions of her glory days in season one. She tops divinely curled hair with a flouncy headband, a billowy cream blouse with black lace overlay and a sequinned black and grey skirt.

These pieces are wonderfully classy, but the lack of colour makes Blair more Haversham than Hepburn.

The Age of Dissonance - Part 2 of 3 - In the Wings

Apparently, Elle is the most beautiful woman Chuck’s ever seen. Personally, I think Blair beats this Beauty and the Geek reject any day.

I also think Blair would know not to crowd such a small neckline with heavy jewellery.

Chuck is as radiant as a man can be in his purple pinstriped suit, lilac shirt and lavender paisley tie – the variation in shades creates a gorgeous contrast. His double-breasted overcoat is wonderful too, and the black leather gloves are Bogart to a T.

He even has classy robes. While cross-robing suits some people (i.e. Chuck in Blair’s robe is a total turn on), Elle is bedraggled and unspectacular.

The base tones of this suit are deep navy and beige, but the burgundy accents in the plaid and in the tie make it look less austere. The pale lavender of Chuck's shirt pops, as does his pink pocket square.

The leather gloves return! They’re accompanied this time by an incredible wool coat, made of patchwork grey, blue and cream. Who could turn down that coat face?

But Elle turns down Chuck and a life with him in South America (bitch). She successfully clashes shades of blue and purple in her scarf, gloves and purse, and but that lovely well cut cream coat is a little too bulky to flatter her shape.

Speaking of turning down Chuck, it’s Bart Bass!

Or not.

Chuck calls on an old family friend to find out more about his Eyes Wide Shut experience. Are we to assume the Basses have a Gordon Gecko-esque dress code? The Wall Streeter white collared blue shirt, the gold tie with blue and white accents, the smarmy grin…

I rest my case with Carter Baizen: high on charm, short on ability to wear anything but grey, white and blue. Carter sends Elle packing and pokes Chuck’s heart in a more suitable direction –

Dorota.

Just kidding. Still, Dorota is a safer option for a life partner. You’d never be left out in the cold with that snuggly pink robe up for grabs.

I rest my case with the delicious specimen that is Carter Baizen: high on charm, short on ability to wear anything but grey shirts and white and blue shirts. Carter sends Elle packing and pokes Chuck’s heart in a more suitable direction –

The Age of Dissonance - Part 3 of 3 - Audience & Onlookers

Miss Carr is looking rather swish this week – dropped paedophilia charges tend to do that. Her wine coloured shirt is lovely, and as for that cut length pencil skirt…A+ for Cougar Carr.

Though her seduction outfit of a cowl neck purple dress paired with limp hair loses her marks.

But Rachel hits it out of the trailer park with this taste-free outfit. In the absence of that dull grey cardi, the transparent white tee and short skirt are too slutty for a teacher, even an off duty teacher.

See the similarity? Dark colours, grey…inappropriate for the situation…

Jenny’s multi-strand pearl necklace is darling, as is her hair, which I like better up; it hides the bizarre length and frizz. Her pinafore thing has always fitted badly, and always will until Taylor Momsen’s chest mysteriously expands in season three.

Like now, what is this hair? A Shaggy Dog Story?

Plus some wonderful shades of grey and brown, skilfully woven into hideous wool and plaid. She even has matching bruise effect eye makeup.

Don’t worry, Little J – if my hair were that bad, I’d be banging my head on tables too.

More plaid, more puke colours killing pretty hair and jewellery. There’s a price to pay for compliments in a YKYLF recap, Jenny.

We should’ve known a girl like you couldn’t afford it.

The Humphrey clan really give me nothing to go on, and Rufus is particularly bad this episode. I approve of leather jackets as a whole, but since it’s brown on brown on one of those awful t-shirts men wear to eliminate their version of a panty line...no.

What need is there to have an open shirt over a t-shirt? Pick one and wear that. Papa Humphrey has suddenly developed a bouffant in this picture. I like the Elvis swirl he’s got going.

But here is a surprising star: Vanessa sticks with one bright item in pretty pink and blue stripes, and covers up her profusion of gold jewellery with an elegant plaid coat and black jeans. Let’s ignore the puce coloured boots. Please.

And a miracle is about to occur: Vanessa wears something I would wear too!

This dress' large heather and cream print seems almost functional, but the sweetheart neckline makes it sexy, and her messy French pleat is fantastic. Stockists for her necklace would be appreciated. That’s how much I love the way it brings other colours in with the purple.

You KNOW it’s bad when Vanessa’s the one to pull it out the bag, which happens to be a marvellously gauche purse in a too bright colour I would normally disapprove of –

Not this week.

The clothes are getting that bad.