You've Got Yale - Part 1 of 3 - Wait Listed

Episode Synopsis: Yale early acceptances come around in a twist of timeline which baffles viewers and causes Blair’s hair to curl from sheer rage at not getting one. Instead, Serena gets in, amazing those of us who were still unsure if she could write her own name. Dan has will they/won’t they tension with Corn Queen Miss Carr in the hope of breaking yet another taboo this show hasn’t tried yet. Elsewhere, it appears Chuck has given up on both education and multiple facial expressions and is instead focusing on bringing down Jack with the help of Girl Scouts and anthrax. Lily surprisingly assists; Rufus is unsurprisingly ignorant.

When I applied to university, I got a balloon. Blair gets this, with the size of each letter denoting each person’s interest in her: Dorota wants what Blair wants, Harold wants his daughter at his alma mater, and Roman just wanted to organise a brunch and wear appallingly fitted jeans.

Blair-Bear looks wonderful in pink, white and grey, perfectly tailored to conceal her drab skirt. Her ascot and fluted collar add a touch of uptightness – I’m going to have to give up mentioning the white tights. She’s not giving them up, and I’m not giving up hating them. Kind of like an evil stepchild.

The only redeeming quality of the aforementioned Hose from Hell is that they match a glorious white winter coat with heavy black patterning and large buttons. Gorgeous.

Nelly swipes not only Blair’s spot at Yale but also the award for best outfit this episode. This pale salmon coloured confection of a coat is adorable, with particular pulling power in the puffed frills running along the collar and button fastening. Being a Power Puff girl is way cooler than a Queen B.

Miss Carr is this episode’s teenage mutant ninja cougar. She's sweet looking, but a boring navy cardigan and olivey-grey top do absolutely nothing for her.

And speaking of cats, meow. Check out the minions’ death glares.

They emulate their leader with pale, neutral shades and accessories in pink and purple, just like Blair’s blazer. Hazel resembles a gingerbread man, but Penelope’s fuchsia is fierce and Iz’s pared down look is elegant and a little frightening.

Did I mention the minions are all wearing animal prints? You get the cat metaphor now?

Strangely, it’s Blair who loses her way this episode sartorially.

This is her greatest faux pas; the sugar plum fairy dress has a tutu skirt and shimmery bodice which are striking but out of character. Her headband confuses me. It's a pale blue braid that doesn't even match her purse.

Blair regrets hazing Miss Carr (a mild atrocity involving fake reservations) and goes to make amends. To do so, she dons a bed jacket – either that, or an overgrown tulip is eating Blair alive. All these bizarrely vibrant colours makes me wonder if Eric Daman was on an acid trip that day.

Unstyled and possibly unbrushed hair, grey wool coat over who knows what…Rachel, why don’t you go stir a pot of something for needy children rather than trying to stir things up on the UES?

Instead of visiting your students at the weekend in a shirt with straining buttons? You know, if you’re not hoping to be arrested for paedophilia?

Blair’s gone mad.

I’m not kidding.

Is it a dress? Is it a blouse and a skirt? Either way, it appears the Plaid Monster has vomited tartan the same shade as her hair all over her. She pulls it off only because Leighton Meester is clearly trying so hard to make it work. She literally looks like she’s about to pop a blood vessel for this outfit’s duration.

Even Queller, desperately trying to pretend she’s the same actress from two episodes ago, thinks Blair looks hilarious. While dressed like Mr Darcy.

A plaid overdose is this ensemble’s surprise saviour: this coat has clear lines and a brighter colour which livens Blair up, though I’m still none the wiser as to why she’s dressed as a rug.

And neither is Dorota.

You've Got Yale - Part 2 of 3 - Cutting Class

Good morning, sunshine!

Lily emerges from an encounter with the rugged Rufus looking charmingly rumpled. Her face is bare and lovely, and she looks comfy – comfy, on the UES! – in an olive green shirt and grey cardigan. Half the reason I love Lily is because she’s toting around a huge pair of diamond studs first thing in the morning.

Then she changes into a pair of more fabulous earrings…and a muumuu. Can’t they just stand Kelly Rutherford behind large bits of scenery rather than swathe her bump in layers of blah?

Elsewhere, Jack Bass is busy being hot. This family has a flair for suits, mixing pinstripes, paisley and a popping red pocket square in this case.

But his nephew has a pastel coloured place in my heart. The mix of large and small checks on the shirt and blazer is glorious, especially as it ties in the soft pink of Chuck’s sweater vest. Mr Schue, he certainly is not, though he looks like he could do with a little glee.

Rufus possesses enough willing for two, but in his favourite faded blue shirt, enough style for zero.

He cleans up nicely, I’ll admit, but any man can pull off a tuxedo (or, more likely, every tuxedo can pull off a man).

As to Lily’s dress: from the bust up, the pleating and sequin detail. Below that, I spy with my little eye something beginning with baby. As previously mentioned, I loathe dressing pregnant women in sacks – but not even bothering to conceal their bumps from the camera is worse.

Uncle Jack, tux-less at the opera. A poor showing.

At least Chuck does the family proud in classic, if not flamboyant, attire. I love his polka dotted bowtie.

It’s the morning after the night before when Jack failed to get his rapey hands all over Lily (and got punched out by Chuck in a strange Hamlet parallel), and Rufus is still wearing his dress shirt with an amazing lack of wrinkles or creases.

I like the idea that kind fairies – AKA Jenny and Eric – ironed him while he slept.

I decided to cap this facial expression because that is exactly how I feel about robes and muumuus. If you’re small, get it fitted. If you’re big, get it fitted. Don’t dress in curtains!

Chuck reappears to display filial love and nurse his sore knuckles. He goes for pink and neutrals again, this time more muted but with similar checks in the coat as the blazer of earlier. The preppy neckline of his sweater vest makes for manly chic.

You've Got Yale - Part 3 of 3 - Straight As

Serena so rarely straightens her Goldilocks, but when she does it works. Blue and grey make a wonderful contrast, but I’m on the fence about that blazer. A block blue pattern would be nicer than apparently trying to blend the colours of her hair into the jacket, but the cut is lovely.

Dan’s brown coat, appropriate for the season but not for my censorious tongue. Don’t cater waiters get paid? Paid enough to buy a new coat?

Trying to educate Rufus on opera is no easy task, but that's no excuse for sloppy dressing. What is Jenny wearing round her neck? A necklace? A chain? A piece of wire? And I’d kill to put some colour back in her clothing.

Eric is the only male on the Upper East Side who knows how to wear a school uniform, it seems: no slouchy tie and properly pressed khakis. Snaps to Eric!

Chosen for the facial expression. Come into my parlour, Nathaniel…

Simplicity suits Vanessa, whose heather grey sweater goes nicely with the silver buttons on her coat. Her hair obscures whatever hellish things are dangling from her earlobes, which can only be a plus.

I wore a velvet dress when I was five, to have my picture taken. Nowadays, my evening wear is shorter and slinkier. Vanessa seems to have never made the upgrade, and pairing gold hoop earrings with an ornate silver necklace is a serious no-no. And she really ought to have put her hair up.

Nate should never do the season one slicked hair thing, but his wingtip collar is covetable – meaning I shall steal it and attach it to the next man I see.

I may attach it to Dan Humphrey, wearer of the most boring suit in the history of mankind. And does his girlfriend dress to match?

No, because she has a brain.

The bodice of this dress cannot accommodate the might of the van der Boobsens. The empire line falls into a tight, obi-style waistband which then flares out in a skirt, very avant garde and utterly gorgeous. The shoes, however, make me drool.

Serena’s casual wear doesn’t tend to be comfortable, but this striped Henley fits the bill, and I’m sure the blood circulation in her legs is used to omnipresent pressure from her skinny jeans by now.

Striped jumper and jeans. Dan’s masculine version of Serena’s outfit is actually acceptable, though his fondness for uninvited Phantom of the Opera Miss Carr definitely needs to go.