In the Realm of the Basses - Part 1 of 2 - We are (Estranged) Family

Episode Synopsis: In a plot which more resembles the Lion King than Gossip Girl, Chuck mourns his father with a bender and the beginning of a grudge match with his evil uncle while Blair hovers off to one side, restraining herself to some Emmy worthy tears over Jim Morrison Chuck. The Jenny and Eric Tag Team champion Nelly Yuki, while I bemoan what’s become of the minions. Lily and Rufus hunt their long given-away-in-a-private-adoption-lost son, making Dan and Serena’s rekindled romance yet creepier.

Blair is working on building a life without ‘Meester Chuck’ after he vamoosed from her bed and Manhattan last episode. She does so wearing a skirt suit with kitschy and adorable puff sleeves, but the colour is a little dowdy. The boxy red purse helps, as does her gorgeous hair, but Blair’s buttoned up outfit ends up seeming just as repressed as she is.

Thank heavens for timelessly smart coats, especially Dorota’s recurring fur concoction. May God have mercy on us, however: the curse of the white tights hath returneth!

Someone else in need of a little grace is Chuck Bass, busy smoking opium in an embroidered green silk robe. Enough with the suits, he needs to live and die in robes. Preferably not die, though.

…except that self-destructing is one of Chuck’s favourite occupations. Once again, we are gifted with the lovely sight of Chuck in a sweater, this one pale yellow, not to mention a classic double-breasted coat. The spliff is optional and not half so chic.

Bringing Chuck home from the wilds like a stoned Labrador is Uncle Jack – the first rule of being a Bass is, it appears, to have a one syllable name, and the second is to know the value of a good tie and a Wall Streeter white collar.

But bad little pot smoking boys have to be punished by Headmistress Queller, who ‘could do better’ as she probably likes to tell her students. If you’re going for a pussy bow blouse, go all the way, go vintage Chanel. Don’t let your collar hide away and pretend to be a string tie.

Rufus isn’t looking too bad this episode, since a leather jacket is usually a winner and there are a lot of great shades going on his scarf.

He might scrape a five out of ten if he weren’t wearing his favourite denim shirt underneath. Also, his stubble seems to disappear and reappear between scenes.

Someone with as unimaginative a wardrobe as Rufus really has no right to go for Lily, whose heavy jewellery ages her a little, admittedly, but who looks classy and trim in this high-necked black coat. Her hair is a little messier than usual, which is nice.

Speaking of classy coats, Blair wears a wonderful one in teal tweed, cut flawlessly to reveal her ruff-necked blouse. I actually really like this outfit, despite how fussy it is. It’s tres regal, as is her hair: smooth and pretty and topped with a trademark red plaid band.

Alhough this coat loses Queen B points. It’s too big, and the shape looks too much like a towelling robe. The diamante collared shift dress is most majestic; I have no idea as to the purpose of her beret, especially indoors, but I do go mad for millinery. Snaps for Blair.

Meet the Cardigan – I mean, Colony Club. They’re supposed to look like grown up Blairs.

They end up looking like Evangelists who’ve just heard a naughty word.

While not quite as moral, Lily is just as much of a let-down as the club ladies in this baggy cardigan – trying to hide Kelly Rutherford’s bump should mean fab, not drab. Her blouse is both pleated and embellished, but the colour should be warmer so it doesn’t wash out her skin.

I love a man in a good turtleneck. Particularly when his sweater is flesh coloured. And when he’s got the plainest brown coat in the world over the top.

Luckily, Chuck is here to tempt us over to the dark side. This suit jacket has skinny tuxedo lapels, which would look cheap on an actual tux but which are sharp in this case. Add a crimson shirt for our devil du jour and a deep blue ascot and we’re away – away up to the roof, that is, with a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label and suicidal tendencies.

Uncle Jack, working those stripes! Just like his late brother, Jack Bass knows his patterns. Unfortunately, he has no idea about not yelling at someone standing on the edge of a building.

Luckily, Blair does. For future reference, grab a pair of dominatrix worthy leather gloves, wobble your lip and entice that boy down with your big Bambi eyes and undeniable sexual chemistry. For best results, hug it out until he begs you to stop.

Luckily, Chuck is around to tempt us over to the dark side. This suit jacket has skinny tuxedo lapels, which would look cheap on an actual tux but which are coolly rumpled in this case. Add a crimson shirt for our devil du jour and a deep blue ascot and we’re away – away up to the roof, that is, with a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label and suicidal tendencies.

In the Realm of the Basses - Part 2 of 2 - We are (Actual) Family

Confused? That’s exactly how Dan feels. Why is Serena tangoing with all these old Argentines when she’s meant to be on vaycay with Aaron Rose?

Either way, that’s almost a tea dress, very tasteful for Serena and very pretty. She glows in the nude colour, and the floral pattern is young and sweet.

Apparently Aaron really was a shag rug in disguise, so S decided to dump him for downer Dan. The layers of her white tee and chunky woollen waistcoat look wonderfully snug, but why is she flashing so much – albeit tight covered – leg? Wouldn’t she be freezing after all that time in the Southern hemisphere?

Yes, it’s a dull brown coat. Yes, Dan may as well dress in burlap sacks for all the fashion fun he gives me. At least he’s warm, though, and I can’t see his macaron.

The fact that he turned up the collar gives him an extra bingo, and another one since he completely skates over his issues with Serena and lays one on her right in the middle of the hallway. Now that’s what I call romance.

Mr Rogers and his pet raccoon are a similarly dynamic duo – Jenny’s tulle is fun but her grey tights kill its brightness, and Eric is rocking leather gloves against a tragic plaid backpack. I didn’t even know you could buy those.

Maybe a store grows in Brooklyn.

Jenny gets rinsed by the mean girls for trying to save Nelly from their clutches, and I have to say I’d do the same. Dark blue and dark green clash, sweetie, didn’t your parents raise you right?

Nelly herself is a bit of a Yoko No-no in all white, though I do like the way she’s matched the navy stitching on her gloves to her tie and popped the colour more in her glasses frames.

Hello, vanilla puddings. Are you lost? Their shared cobalt accents are lovely, but ivory ruffles are blowing Hazel out and Penelope looks like a Kardashian crossed with a polar bear. Iz’s coat is acceptable, and the studs on her hat are just plain awesome.

Channelling some rockabilly couture is Serena, in a fleece lined leather jacket with woollen accents. Finally, some concession to the cold! I would prefer a warmer shade, brown or tan would work better with her hair.

But colour can be so easily overdone. Green and magenta? Strike one for Hazel. Magenta and purple? Strike two for Penelope. Purple and blue…oh, Iz. Matching their purses is way too much, they look like a girl band gone wrong. Even their black coats are similar.

No wonder they make Nelly skivvy for them, this is a girl who knows no colour! Pattern! Hair accessories! And please, only Blair should wear an ascot. And possibly Chuck.

Different coats for the minions this time, and some fab mulberry coloured gloves from Penelope. Hazel is rather meh, but Iz looks like Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. The scene where she spanks the guy…then snaps his neck. Va-va-voom.

The Good, the Bad, and the Nondescript – Nelly is aware of pattern! She looks so pulled together in her hound’s-tooth coat with complimentary brown gloves and gold clutch. Jenny dazzles the eye like a disco ball, is she wearing coloured Bacofoil? Eric just looks like a cater waiter.

Dan is an equally poor showing, since he wears a Henley seventy five percent of the time and that same blazer to every party ever given. Why is Serena interested in him?

Note, Jenny: this is how you do sparkles. The idea of this dress is brilliant, but the draping makes Serena look a little poochy, and the under layer is too tight and gives the oh so attractive illusion of uniboob. I approve of the glitter, though, and her sexily tousled hair.

But there’ll be no nookie for Serena when she finds out she and Dan share a sibling, and none for Blair either when Chuck discovers what exactly happened on New Years; and so the plot thickens.  Just like Jenny’s poorly tended hair.