It's a Wonderful Lie - Part 1 of 2 - Mistletoe Mates

Episode Synopsis: The Snowflake Senior Charity Ball is THE event of the season, which means the perfect date is required. While even Chuck and Blair’s doppelgangers can make it work (and they can’t), Serena is torn between her strong feelings for Aaron and her even stronger feelings about Dan sleeping with Aaron’s ex Lexie. Jenny and the Mean Girls pull a Janet Jackson on Vanessa, and Lily takes the decision to leave Bart for Rufus – just as the phone rings. It’s not such a Wonderful Life for those driving like the devil on icy roads…

The Grinch in our tale is Chuck Bass, after all, since his heart was always two sizes too small. Luckily, his uniform fits wonderfully. Those shoulders…

Blair’s winter wear is so pretty, and I’m so annoyed there’s no full shot of it. Her hair falls in elegant waves over a grey and black argyle cape, which I adore, as capes are my kryptonite. Underneath, she’s buttoned up against the weather in a high-collared shirt and bowtie. Classy but basic B, with the warmth of her makeup wonderful against so many cool colours.

Serena, too, looks like someone lit a candle behind her warm skin tone and luscious honey highlights. Ever her forte, this sequinned cardigan is surprisingly understated, its neutral tone livened with the deep hues of her tie and matching bangle. Coordinating jewellery and school colours? Yes please!

And Dan is just Dan, as ever. This shot does showcase Penn Badgley’s interesting nose, though.

While Dan and Serena plan to go to the ball as friends, Chuck and Blair make a friendly bet: whoever chooses the best date for the other wins, Chuck losing his limo for a month and Blair losing Dorota. As well we know, they’re one another’s one and onlies, so this can only end in tears (or in the back of the limo, either one).

The Basshole comes to make terms, and Blair looks stunning. Her hair is so good this episode, and although satin is awful on her mother, I love this ascot effect blouse. The pencil skirt is uninspiring, but her banana yellow belt adds a touch of fun to the ensemble.

It’s blatantly obvious who Chuck wants to find under his tree this year, but then he’s pretty nicely wrapped himself.

Ignoring the jaw, the eyes, the pout, the debonair hair swoop, Chuck is every inch dressed too maturely for his age and perfect at it. He wears a lilac pinstriped shirt and purple tie, topped with a navy and red sweater, then raises the bar about fifty feet with the most wonderful coat in the world. It’s camel coloured, it has fur, and I want it.

We hear Chuck's dream girl is a strong-willed brunette with deep brown eyes. She also has a gorgeous glossy side plait ponytail, a billowy mustard ruffled blouse, a graphically printed skirt, a pair of sexy Loubtoutin peeptoes…

Serena isn’t having half so much fun with old flames, since it’s Aaron’s she has to worry about.

Lexie is a small, possibly evil person with a penchant for sludge coloured shift dresses, leopard print and sex on the first date. Yikes.

Aaron has a penchant for dressing like Rufus. Double yikes.

But Serena’s love for her shaggy haired hipster will not be quelled, and so she arrives to meet the ex with her assets standing to attention in a low cut contoured top. As in "Pret-a-Poor-J", Serena equates Brooklyn with leather jackets. This one has lovely fish scale detailing on the chest.

And Dan is very possibly wearing one of Aaron’s shirts, since the theme behind it seems to be ‘this will hide any stains’.

It’s a rug. It’s a dog rug. It’s woven from Vanessa’s hair. IT’S UNGODLY.

If three’s a crowd, then what is four? Serena panics in this strangely gathered top, which is a pretty colour but which seems bunched around the armpits and shoulders.

Let’s skip ahead to the Snowflake Ball and my next dilemma. This dress could be so pretty, however, the bodice is not tight enough and sags around S's assets, not to mention the pretty fairy princess skirt decides halfway round to become a mini macaron flasher and ruins a gorgeous ballgown. Minimal tulle over your lady parts isn’t classy, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Lexie goes for an eerily similar blush lace Grecian gown, with a sort of seashell effect bodice. It’s pretty, but why would she bring a ballgown along on a trip to see her parents? Then again, no one ever could ever accuse this show of being plausible.

Aaron, ostensibly staring at Serena’s aforementioned assets, fares no better. Who wears white tie without a tie, come on?! He looks like a creepy minister.

While Dan looks – dare I say it? – dashing! As much as he claims to loathe society gatherings (despite his attendance at every single one over five seasons), the boy can pull off a tux.

Hold it right there.

Nothing before this moment matters.

Nothing will ever matter again.

Chuck Bass, ladies and gentlemen, is wearing a sequinned tuxedo. He doesn’t look like a ladyboy, he doesn’t look anything except rakish to the extreme. The vintage collar points, the matching bowtie, the arrogant smirk that comes from wearing a sparkly suit and actually pulling it off are all attractive beyond compare.

And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

For all Chuck’s charms, the belle of the ball is Blair. She wears a flawlessly fitted ballgown with a structured bodice and flowing skirt in soft blues and greys, fashion’s interpretation of a blasted heath, lonely clouds, whatever. Crowning this glory is a tribute to her partner-in-crime: the Erickson Beamon necklace Chuck bought her for her birthday back in season one.

She wears it now to try and prove the point they’re both trying not to say: they’re it for each other.

Even Beta Bass and New Blair know that, and mack in a corner to prove it’s true.

It's a Wonderful Lie - Part 2 of 2 - On Thin Ice

Rufus loves Lily, and Lily loves Rufus (we think). I don’t object to men who play it safe with colour, but I do object to those who dress to match their hair and eyes. You are not a chameleon, Rufus, give up the blue and brown and spice it up a little.

Lily’s shrouded with disappointment at Bart’s sneaky nature, and also in several layers of black wool. She looks too bundled up and monochromatic, which is why the flouncy purple scarf and matching eyeshadow are welcome. The earrings are a little Dynasty, though, and date her beyond her yummy mummy years.

Bart seems unaffected, though his boring businessman palette has gone all navy. Could it be a Bass trait to dress drably when one is unlucky in love?

Although Bart never pulls it together (or changes his clothes), Lily throws an absolute ringer. This is one of my favourite outfits of hers.

Very silver screen siren, very age appropriate, Lily dons this classy white/nearly nude pleated gown and beautiful diamond accessories. I’m a big fan of showcasing the arms and clavicle rather than cleavage. This dress’ asymmetric neckline and her softly upswept hair soften what could otherwise be quite a rigid, ice queen look.

Rufus is impressed, and we’re impressed with Rufus. A tux – albeit with a tie – quelle surprise!

Too bad his daughter can’t dress as chicly.

While the colour of this top is an awful taupe, I really like the shape. The overlapping neckline and the zip-darts make it quite an original piece. A word to the wise, however: darts that close to the bust only work if you are Jenny-shaped, i.e. have no bust. I don’t even object to her jewellery, which is a miracle.

Vanessa, however…I object to her very existence. The bomber cut of her jacket is casual but cool and burnt orange looks wonderful with her skin tone, but I don’t like the rolled sleeves or glittery scarf. It looks like something a twelve year old would wear, and also bulks out the jacket’s lovely shape.

I think Nate makes out with her to try and balance out his own boring ensembles.

Another tux! I do prefer white tie, though.

Unlike Vanessa, Penelope, knows how to work with padding. By having her raffia effect coat open over a silk blouse and bowtie collar, she doesn’t disguise her figure. I do object to the profusion of satin, though. She reminds one of a hooker’s bedsheets.

The Eighties vomited, and this is a result: multicoloured, sparkly and matched with equally sparkly hoop earrings. This is the sweater of a grandma from Boca, or possibly a tree decoration.

Never run away from a good block colour! I’m feeling the Dynasty vibe again, what with all the pulling and tucking that’s gone into Penelope’s lavender blouse, not to mention her Princess Leia slave collar. That thing is just so awkward, it looks more fetishistic than fashionable.

Hazel – aka Betty Draper – is always my favourite minion, not least because she keeps it classy even when attempting the pinup look. This deep green dress has a a very flattering plunging neckline, and those heels just scream va-va-voom. My one objection is that her two delicate necklaces are offset by a clunky cuff. Something daintier would suit far better.

Still, it could be worse.

She could have Jenny’s neutrals obsession.

I only approve of the Courtney Love vibe when it’s glam, which Jenny just misses here by going over the top. Her shiny puffball skirted dress is admissible, but when you add in a fur cape, patterned tights and studded gloves, it’s just too busy. Less textures, more colour, less sabotage please.

Little J attempts to ruin Vanessa with this transparent dress, which she actually wears rather well. The plait in her hair matches the braided strap, and is very reminiscent of Blair’s earlier ponytail. No points for such heavy jewellery, but top marks for that wrap: only the border matches the dress with the remainder matte for a lovely contrast.

Their names were Buttercup, Bubbles and Blossom…

Penelope’s dress is absolutely foul. The whole thing looks like a mish-mash of dress ideas Jenny threw together and sewed in five minutes. Also, shiny mermaid green? Ewww!

Hazel…meh. Boring hair, surprisingly drab dress, nice call on a bolder necklace. Her bodice needs more structure, and the whole dress needs to be a proper colour rather than a pastel.

I guess Iz wins with her Grecian confection, but only because pink makes her skin glow. She’d look so much nicer in something slinkier, like the dress she gave up to Vanessa. Her upper body is too crowded, with a headband, a high updo, a necklace and a halterneck all competing for attention.

But don’t be sad that everyone but our Non-Judging Breakfast Club couldn’t manage to dress themselves (that’s Serena, Blair, Nate and Chuck to you mortals) – soon they'll all be back to black. Are those sleigh bells I hear, or funeral knells?