Bonfire of the Vanity - Part 1 of 3 - Pretty Woman & the Polygamist

Episode Synopsis: Blair wants a Harry Winston choker for her birthday and instead gets a conscience (courtesy of Eleanor’s new beau Cyrus...and Cyndi Lauper), while Big Love with Aaron and his harem of muses is too much for Serena. Dan goes undercover to dig the dirt on Bart, widening the rift between Bass father and son and revealing some home truths about Chuck’s mother, and Jenny’s business plans go up in smoke when Agnes burns her dresses. Rufus watches, worries, strums his guitar and makes pasta.

Love interest from Brooklyn? Check. Relationship issues five minutes into the relationship? Check. Serena’s on a roll, and continues with this gorgeous white coat with sequinned lapels. A brighter vest beneath might have livened up the white a bit, but overall she’s very coordinated.

Aaron, on the other hand...shag rug for hair? Check. Undone plaid shirt? Check. Messenger bag? Check. Aaron, may I be frank? Either grow a beard, or shave. Scruff is only acceptable after seven PM in the comfort of one’s own home – or Ikea popup loft, in your case.

Similarly shabby is little J, who has decided that layering grey wool over grey lace is a good idea. This trend of wearing what my mother would call a ‘party dress’ during the day and trying to dress it down with a jacket really needs to stop, especially in Jenny’s case. She looks like a used Kleenex with accessories.

Agnes is no better, halfway down a walk of shame in a lavender cami which flashes her blue bra from 2x08 – ew! She wears a heavy gauge jacket which is almost manly in cut, and also seems to think that adding jewellery which looks like it was left over from Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride softens the look. No wonder she and Jenny are in business together.

Lovely hair, though.

Speaking of lovely hair, Serena wears this very cute woollen jacket with epaulettes and multiple zippers to school, where all young ladies of her age ought to be (ahem, Jenny). The block white tank is a bad idea though, white makes everyone look bloated.

Aaron the artist invites Serena the supermodel to his studio. Her dress choice is stunning – a heather grey body with grey, black, orange and pale gold stripes and sequins along the neckline and arms. This distracts me from the fact that she is wearing plain black tights. Why so many solids, Serena? What’s wrong with lace or fishnet?

Aaron shoots her in striped sweater and blah pants. That’s all he is as a character, basically. Blah blah blah, snap snap snap.

Wait...what is that? Purple and vomit coloured plaid? It even looks hairy, like it’s some bizarre extension of his scruff and insincerity. Throw it away. Burn it. Send it to the Pentagon for analysis. As far as fashion goes, that thing is a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Upon seeing her new amore, even Serena’s hair deflates. She’s pretty but nothing special in this lilac long sleeved tee and striped cardigan – it’s interesting, actually: whatever colour Aaron’s wearing, she wears in the next scene. I also wonder if she has a never-ending supply of skinny jeans, or whether Eric just sprays them on every morning.

Another muse named Danielle wafts in to knock Serena into her blue period, so I’m glad Agnes is here to embody the spirit of the sixties and remind us that Gossip Girl was sponsored by Vitamin Water in season two.

Anyway, her floppy felt hat is a marvel, I want one for my next hangover. The John Lennon-esque sunglasses are perhaps a touch too fringe for my taste, but that’s just Agnes. Her heavy grey cable-knit sweater is charmless, but snaps for the banana yellow manicure.

The heavy gauge jacket returns when she revives, as do the lovely loose curls I so admire. Again with the Corpse Bride jewellery, Agnes? And what is it with kids these days and grey? Grey dresses, grey jackets, grey shirts. New York may be a concrete jungle, but avoiding predators shouldn’t mean blending into the sidewalk!

Jenny is an absolute horror as she confronts Agnes. Translucent vests should be kept for lingerie, and that tablecloth of a skirt should be kept for chilli night at the Humphreys. Again with the black and grey stripes, this time in a oversized cardigan which I’m pretty sure is concealing sweetheart Jenny from season one. Will the real Jenny Humphrey please stand up?

This is how to be a blonde bombshell. You have to have Amazonian proportions for skin tight oyster satin, but luckily Serena does. I like the black detail, but the halter-neck needs to be tighter. The dress’ V is gaping a little, never a good idea when you’re trying to restrain the forces of nature S carries around with her.

She changes into this lovely cream illusion dress with a panel of – yes, you’ve guessed it – sequins bisecting what is actually quite a badly fitted outfit. All that glitters is not gold, it seems, since the sequinned parts pooch and Aaron’s a polygamist.

What’s a girl to do? All the good ones are either gay, taken or busy being Natefused elsewhere.

Like all men, however, Aaron is oblivious to his boo-boo and turns up at the van der Bass apartment for a day of puppet theatre in the park. Yes, because so many RISD graduates are into puppets. Strike that, they probably are.

His lady love is ambling around in an ivory negligee with a white yoke, nothing dazzling there. Her version of throwing caution to the wind, however, is pulling on a coat and skipping outside dressed in just that.

That is the very same coat she was wearing in the Pilot when Dan returned her phone, so props to Eric Daman for a worthy repetition. I love said coat’s shape, the piping makes it so tailored and classic.

Bonfire of the Vanity - Part 2 of 3 - The Lawyer, the Bitch & the Waldorf

Queen B is turning eighteen, and she plans for a sophisticated soiree dressed in black and pink. I have no idea if that’s a shirt or a dress, but the streak of bright colour across the front brightens up an otherwise pretty basic garment. Hair perfect, as always.

The minions return in fine form – I love Isabel’s draped metallic ensemble, especially her turban headband.

Nelly Yuki gets top marks for being wonderfully understated: her Mondrian print top could do without those bizarre buttons, but that wonderful fawn coloured cardigan is my favourite. The over-stitched yellow detailing on the sleeves is gorgeous.

Penelope is definitely trying too hard. Her gold headband and bracelet clash with the big stoned yoke around her neck, not to mention her diamond earrings. Her purple shirt/dress – another one of those, I hate table shots – has a pretty print, though.

Hazel is tres season one Blair, very Betty Draper: the silver turban headband, the fifties style metallic taupe dress and heavy string of beads. I can’t understand why she would add a gold bracelet to all those cool colours, but she looks very classy, if not at all relaxed.

I love all the details on this dress – the ties at the sleeves, the tie at the neck daintily pinned with a brooch, the black polka dots and matching belt. She thinks Cyrus will be Cary Grant, and she’s dressed to match. Her hair is parfait, a ripple of Marie Antoinette curls, though it could do with a little more volume at the crown.

My top tip? Always wear bright lipstick with a drab dress. Look how well it works on Blair.

Eleanor goes for her usual combo of tie-neck blouse and pencil skirt. The shades of blue and grey are very pretty against her skin, and her necklace matches, but there’s nothing that wows me about this outfit, unlike many of Lily’s. The mothers echo the daughters: Serena is casual and Blair buttoned up, and Lily and Eleanor are just the same.

Oooh, giant cocktail ring. Too bad you didn’t get a nice manicure to match that, Eleanor.

This episode introduces Elenor's divorce lawyer/short stack squeeze Cyrus Rose, aka Wallace Shawn, aka Vizzini, aka ‘inconceivable!’ Welcome to the father fold, Cyrus. Harold and Roman will be glad to have you, especially with that nicely turned suit.

Since she has a gnome instead of a movie star for a stepfather, Blair goes black ops, which means a beret and a businesslike ascot. She covers as much of her skin as possible, as if she’s under attack. When things go wrong, she layers up, and this red is bright and aggressive and just screams ‘takedown’. Such a boring purse, though, hunter green. Something in cream or another bright would be better.

Did I say black ops? A butter-wouldn’t-melt smile, pretty floral halter-neck and a flowing ponytail are the polar opposite of Blair’s angry red. Does this look like the face of a girl who would sabotage you?

Echoing Blair again, Eleanor wears this lavender silk shirt with a petal pattern. It’s too loose and fits awkwardly, but the range of purple, grey and ivory tones in the fabric are lovely.

...just as Cyrus’ mock turtleneck isn’t. Ick.

Hunter green again, and unfortunately sans pattern. The cut of this shirt is very pretty, with a cowl neckline, and it fits well, but what is so wrong with a nicely tailored pair of trousers? Enough with the pencil skirts already, Eleanor, you’re meant to be a fashion designer!

Blair picks up her mother’s slack in this absolutely fantastic pink and black hound’s-tooth block print. They’re aggressive colours again, since Blair’s on a mission to expose Cyrus’ secrets. Her makeup is subtle, with neat and sweet cat eyeliner. Lord knows it takes me at least three tries to get a straight line.

Cyrus knows what colours suit him. Pale blue eyes = pale blue shirt. Men everywhere, take heed.

Dark eyes, dark negligee and robe set – Blair too knows what suits her, and it proves just how committed she is to looking perfect that she’s coordinated even in sleepwear. Blair Waldorf’s pyjama wardrobe makes me drool with envy, it’s almost better than her daywear.

While Blair knows how to make the most of her figure, Eleanor...does not. A thick band delineating the empire line of her dress adds extra flesh to her waist and causes the material to pooch, though the heavy sleeves do make her arms look very slim. The warm brown of her necklace matches her hair and livens up her skintone.

Cyrus matches! Dressed in a violet blue tie with white polka dots and white shirt with violet pinstripes, Cyrus’ party clothes are very dapper. The way to a woman’s heart is successfully mixing spots and stripes.

The way to mine, anyhow.

As for Blair’s party clothes...wow. Elizabeth I, you live and reign on the Upper East Side.

This ivory ruffled blouse is absolutely fantastic, overblown and overdone and paired with a basic black miniskirt which focuses all the attention back on Blair’s blouse and intricate hairstyle. My one problem with this blouse: picture number one. It has no way of staying still, and there’s very nearly a wardrobe malfunction.

Everything other than Blair’s hair and blouse is subtle, simple and pretty. This ensemble has a lovely mix of textures.

Black and white a la the Hiltons seems to be de rigeur at Blair’s party, and the minions do not impress.

Hazel mixes boho in her headband, punky in her jewellery and classic in her lace tights and it really doesn’t work. Penelope’s LBD is unadorned and boring, and by contrast Isabel has gone overboard. The frosted bodice of her dress is lovely, but a sequinned beret is not eveningwear.

An interesting addition is Cyndi Lauper, who turns up as the voice of Blair’s conscience, prompting our favourite bitch to run after Cyrus and reunite him and Eleanor over a secret she herself spilled. Cyndi, I can’t say a word against you, even though I loathe leopard print usually. Girls just wanna have fun, you know?

So Blair shuts down her sabotage circus, and dresses in a wonderful skirt. It’s lime and cream and brown, which you wouldn’t think would go together with black, but Blair must be the only woman in the world who has a black and lime belt to pull all her colours together and make her look cool and composed.

That composure doesn’t last long (oooh, maroon pleats!)

Cyrus has moved in (awesome fuzzy robe).

Blair is not amused.

Bonfire of the Vanity - Part 3 of 3 - Three Men & Dan Humphrey

Our favourite dandy spends this episode trying to bond with daddy. Luckily, Chuck’s a suave enough dresser to keep my attention: forgoing a tie with his pink shirt, he instead chooses a grey and black cardigan which is itself patterned with ties. That almost outdoes the cardigan patterned with fish from season one.

What’s with the suit trousers, though? Is he on-call for a black tie event?

“You wanna watch hockey, I wanna crush your dreams...how can we compromise?”

Oh Bart, you cold Basstard. I do like the way you blend colours with brown in the tie to balance out the cool blue and a red pocket square, but could you maybe be a little nicer to your only son and heir?

I mean, you’re content enough to be nice to Humdrum Humphrey, who stole his shirt from a homeless person and who has pulled out his military jacket to impress you. Why not your own son, who goes where no man has gone before sartorially?

Rufus, while he has the sense of style of a Siberian labour camp inmate, at least cares about his child’s wellbeing enough to cook dinner. It’s so unfortunate that his shirt doesn’t fit.

I mean, I can understand Kelly Rutherford trying to hide her pregnancy beneath oversized clothing, but Matthew Settle? Are there twins lurking under that thing?

Dan Humphrey, man in black. For heaven’s sake, put on a tie.

Fortunately, Bart takes to Dan for no reason other than that he seems to know nothing about business and Bart is eager to educate. This time he’s utterly icy, not a hint of warmth in his outfit, all black and blue and pinstripes and love for the common man. It might be that he sees Dan as nothing, just as he used to be; or he might just be evil.

Chuck bursts in on this torrid affair as a vision in tweed, a mauve shirt and a blue pocket square and sweater vest tying in with the lines of blue running through his suit. The relationship between Basses is all about palette: when Chuck wants his father to take him seriously, his preference for reds, oranges and pinks reverses.

Intriguingly, those are the colours he mostly wears around Blair.

Symbolism, anyone?

Chuck scurries off to spy on Dan while Dan scurries off to get a tip about a building Bart burned down for the insurance (except Russell did it, and his wife died, and watch season four if you don’t believe me). To indicate his new dark and dangerous leanings, Dan’s plaid is black and white. Oooh. Scary.

Rufus tries to dole out sage advice before Dan destroys Bart, but I know I would rather take advice from someone who hasn’t worn that denim shirt a gazillion times. That is a man in need of a sweater vest.

A proper father in the fashion stakes if not in feelings, Bart wows in blue again, tied in with red in that stunning silk tie. I adore the white collar Wall Streeter look, and I imagine he has red suspenders under there too.

We'll never know, since here comes a cardigan coated ball of rage.

Back is the pink, the red, the navy of good sense in the wool and in the tie. Ed’s trousers always seem too tight to me (not that my eyes are usually down there), and this pair is also too similar to his St. Jude’s uniform to be impressive.

It’s a wash, although mixing argyle with another print is flawlessly executed.

So Dan slinks back to Brooklyn after mailing Bart a short story entitled, ‘your son thinks you hate him because his mother died in childbirth, why are you surprised he’s a man whore and substance abuser?’ After that, he hits the Henleys again. I’ll be kind, and decline comment.

Let’s ignore the Rascal Flatts look and instead discuss: has Matthew Settle had work done? Because he practically looks younger than Penn Badgley, especially when you factor in the touch of Bieber fever in his haircut.

As a result of reading about Charlie Trout and his angst, Bart decides to be a decent father. My idea of a caring father doesn’t include shirts so crisp that they stand up on their own, but this is Chuck’s dad, so I’ll let him be the judge.

Soft: it’s not a look we often see on Chuck Bass, but I don’t know how else to describe him here. His shirt appears to be made of jersey or something else comfortable, and it’s not as in your face as most of his other clothes – those red and white stripes aren’t alarm bells, they’re ‘keep back’ signs.

Chuck gazes at a photo of his mother, and father and son have a heart-to-heart, or perhaps a billfold-to-billfold.

Except...Chuck’s mother is still alive. Someone might want to tell him before she re-enters his life and shops him to his uncle, causing him to trade his girlfriend for a hotel, have yet another meltdown and throw a traditional Polish-Russian wedding (and you can watch season three if you don’t believe me).