Pret-a-Poor-J – Part 1 of 3 – Lovers, Losers & Lonely Boy

Episode Synopsis: Blair has an itch only Chuck can scratch, and he won’t do it unless she tells him she loves him: problem. Serena and Dan are doing the off again/on again thing, and it’s making the viewers nauseous: problem. Jenny finds a partner in crime in wild model Agnes, but it comes at the cost of her position at Eleanor Waldorf Designs: problem. Chair kiss and makeup for future days, Serena chases artist Aaron off into the sunset, Nate and Jenny mack in the Meat Packing and Dan wonders why the Hell he bothers anymore. Let's roll on with the show...

Chuck Bass is always around to make fantasy reality...wait, that’s actually a fantasy.

At least Blair dresses well in her dirty dreams – her eye makeup is flawless and smoky, her olive green pleated top pops against her tan (and dewy post-coital glow) and that translucent amber bangle is a touch most of us wouldn’t remember to include, but Blair is nothing if not a frustrated perfectionist.

Fortunately, she stills looks fabulous in the waking world. This silky nightie is wonderfully ruffled with a gorgeous placket of textured roses.

"God always watching, Miss Blair."

Why yes, Dorota. And when he’s not around, you’re still the head bitch in charge. Keep working that apron.

Skip ahead to Miss Blair having...um...finished, and here’s our favourite outfit repeater – downer Dan!

I can’t really condemn him for his uniform, but since he decides to help Blair ‘get’ Chuck (as I recall, Chuck threw Dan out of the limo, so he really doesn’t have a very good track record there), I will mock him anyway. Dan, your hair annoys me, and please find a shirt that fits.

Like this wonderful shirt appropriated by Chuck, which has almost unnoticeable yellow and white pinstripes. He buttons his blazer, he smoothes back his debonair hair...there’s only one problem. To try and demonstrate with a picture would be too far for the PG-13 world of recapping, but let’s say he needs some pants that fit. And some pants under those that don’t make it look like he’s really, really interested in Blair’s subtler qualities.

Did I say subtle?

I’m crazy over that hound’s-tooth print skirt, especially with the side button fastening so you can flash as little or much leg as you like. Blair gets a carte blanche for her equally blanche stockings, since they’re attached to nifty garters and are tres seductive.

Her blouse too is lovely – the check pattern makes parts of its sheer and parts not, which is understated but very sexy – and the tiny ascot topping makes me drool: so pretentious, so pretty, so wonderfully Blair. The cherry on top is one red bangle and then a huge red purse, making her look good enough to eat.

As ever, our B is tailor-made to suit your needs. She looks as if she dressed with the Basstard in mind: a headband to show off her queenly status, purple for his favourite colour, a gorgeous beaded and sequinned dress with severe overtones of flapper to appeal to the boy’s best beloved era: Prohibition.

I personally would have gone for a little black dress, and since this outfit doesn’t work...

The little black teddy it is, complete with some extreme nape of the neck flashing.

But the Beast is more than a match for his Beauty. Chuck knows the power of a nice burgundy, only this one is in the colour of his shirt beneath an immaculate grey suit. Another ascot (yay!) is dark grey and blue paisley, sobering the red, and then he brings the tone back up again with a deep orange pocket square.

Sadly, love is not in the air for these two – or, more accurately, Blair’s attempt to stop Chuck demanding an ILY in return for his favours isn’t in the air – so Blair stomps off to Brooklyn to ask Guru Dan what to do.

Guru Dan is less than impressive. Sigh, that lavender shirt again? And now with a cardigan? Go and sit in the corner!

Luckily, Blair’s packing enough colour for two, and her blowout is simply supreme. That high-waisted purple skirt and emerald blouse might be too much on someone else, but metallic shoes and a simple necklace mute the effect.

On Guru Dan’s advice, she decides to tell Chuck she loves him on a rooftop in Brooklyn. That way, if he doesn’t say it back, she can just jump. This girl thinks of everything!

CHUCK IN A SWEATER! CHUCK IN A SWEATER! YES, THIS DOES NECESSITATE ALL CAPS!

How rarely do we see him in anything but a suit? He still looks so dapper in those pinstriped pants, and I love the marbled lilac effect on his blue button down. And the purple sweater! See, he and Blair are clearly meant to be based upon their love of this colour alone!

But before these two can unite in more than Oriental purple splendour, Guru Dan decides that since Chair made Vanessa cry, he’s anti their love and hopes they both suffer. His khaki sweater is so boring I had to include that Chinese style chair just to keep myself entertained. Does anyone know where I can buy that chair?

So Blair chickens out, angering and hurting Chuck. She did, however, choose a beautiful dress for the occasion. What can I say about this dress?

First, the colour: the dusky pink makes Blair’s skin just about shine, and I adore the way it’s bound together with black in the bow belt. I am a firm believer in belts if you have a nippy waist, and Queen B certainly has. I also love the application of the colour: it’s not only in the body of the dress, there are also those charming cuffs which make this dress so special.

Second, the lace overlay: Blair very rarely shows off skin, and this is such a classy way to do so. It stops the dress looking too modest, and at the same time keeps it sweet and sexy. Best outfit of the episode? I don’t know, her crown’s about to be stolen by our king...

Like any man worth his salt, Chuck plans to start his relationship in a tuxedo, and this is one for the books. It’s very understated for him, a deep grey, and the mushroom colour edging very nearly matches Blair’s dress.

Here’s what gets me – that purple paisley bowtie is either the same or very similar to the one he wore the night he and Blair first made love. All together now: awww...

So, they don’t end up together. At least, however, they look flawless in the same frame.

Pret-a-Poor-J – Part 2 of 3 – Employees, Eye Candy & Eleanor

Some might call Eleanor Waldorf dumb for leaving a fifteen year old in charge of her company, but I say she’s smart. Any teenager who can successfully mix pink tulle with blue knee high fishnets, shoe-boots and more jewellery than Vanessa at a Forever 21 sale is clearly capable of anything.

I wish my job came with those kind of perks. Pecs. Perks.

New colleagues include Agnes McCrazy, a model on a mission. No way do I believe Eleanor designed this jumpsuit, for all it’s lovely and stripy. I’m guessing Eleanor disapproves of clothes which are combined when they ought to be separate.

Nate pops in to be hot in uniform, which I have decided to obscure with Jenny’s look book (since I much prefer him half-naked). Sue me.

And Eleanor herself is less than overwhelming in this tie-neck textured blouse. It’s not cream or black, which is a big step for her, and the deep blue compliments her skin, but her figure is lost beneath all that fabric and her pencil skirt is far too tight as a consequence.

If Eleanor is Jenny’s guiding light, then Agnes is a moral blackout. She may look sassy and smooth in her crochet vest topping a black tee and assorted necklaces, but that bowler hat just screams Artful Dodger. Looks at those shifty eyes...

And this is Creepy Max, a photographer in a stereotypical checked shirt, peacocking scarf and baseball cap. Oh, Max. Why don't you go back to 2007 where you belong?

But a night with the Big Bad takes its toll. Jenny looks like Hell the morning after, rocking too much eyeliner and some orange blusher which clashes horribly with her hair. She’s wearing Agnes’ clothes, and they don’t look half as good in them as the deceptively fresh-faced Agnes. The leather jacket looks like a last minute addition; it's far too Courtney Love to be classy.

Eleanor, verbatim: ‘you look like Hell’.  Sadly, a bit of rock ‘n’ roll would do Eleanor a world of good – anything but rock ‘n’ drool. She’s back in silky black with her hair scraped back and her collar as high as it will go. How in the world did she raise Blair Waldorf?

Agnes swings by EW Designs to work some hangover chic: a blazer over skinny grey tee and pleather leggings. I love that no matter how drug-addled she is, she always keeps the makeup minimal and her hair in loose, cute curls.

Jenny leaves Eleanor’s to return to her plaid swaddled existence. Her layered teddy bear necklaces just border kitsch, what with that dog collar necklace. I do have big love for her deep blue beret, however, I’m almost sad she takes it off. Also...did she steal Dan’s satchel?

On the advice of Creepy Max, Agnes and Jenny decide to shake it in the buff – almost. I have to say, I far prefer Blair’s lingerie collection. These girls go for block colours with no frills, no bows, no nothing! How can one hope to attract a Upper East Side billionaire with nothing but a few neutrals and a lace back?

Luckily, here comes just a specimen! Nate is a knight in shining Armani in this shirt, dark blue with deep red stripes. His man bangs are glowing with concern, his jeans are too loose but I’m still dreaming about the abs of earlier. Beauty over brains, every time.

Pret-a-Poor-J – Part 3 of 3 – Babes, Brooklynites & Big Daddy Humphrey

A sweater from Chuck, and now from Rufus too! Happy day! While this one is a pretty basic shade of dove grey/beige, the chainmail-style raised pattern is rather eye-catching.

But Serena could be attention-grabbing wearing a sack. She’s reusing the mushroom coloured shrug from The Ex-Files, a cute little piece, and contrasting its muted shade with cranberry coloured thigh highs which make her legs go on for miles. I adore her shoes: they’re grey, over-buckled and vintage, a surprising and lovely choice from her.

S returns to casual form later in a maroon sweater with a deep and spangled V-neck, since she finds it very hard to last long without her sequins. I might have chosen a jazzier bottom than the omnipresent skinny jeans, but I don’t have legs up to my ears.

Her sparkles attract Aaron Rose, whose home is clearly Brooklyn since he has a) ironic facial hair, b) hipster glasses and c) a plaid shirt. This show is turning me off the entire borough.

Serena decides to hunt said scruffy artiste in a lampshade – stretchy, stripy fabric in a range of indeterminate colours, one sleeve on and one sleeve off, weirdly translucent and blousy and ‘I’m pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to be worn like that’. Nevertheless, there’s gold in it, so Serena glows.

Also, her hair is fantastically tousled this whole epi.

More hipster glasses, Aaron! This time they’re tortoiseshell, which I would love to say pops against his tragic hair...except it doesn’t. He’s wearing some weird blue smock shirt thing, which I do not approve of. Even overalls would be better. And has he got a cold? Is that the explanation behind that dreary scarf?

Is it a shirt? Is it a dress? Is it a shirtdress? Frankly, it’s Vanessa, so choose the worst of the three and you’re probably right.

The large print on whatever it is she’s wearing isn’t quite bright enough in my opinion, and I’ll just skate over the habitual layered gold necklaces in favour of her deep blue cuff, which is actually acceptable. Might I suggest a brighter purse? Maybe yellow, like the print?

Serena’s tribute to Brooklyn and her newfound love interest is a leather jacket, worn over her pleated purple dress. It’s cut far too low and we don’t see enough of it to judge, but I’m guessing it has spaghetti straps; no wonder Serena is unrestrained and inappropriate.

A word of advice, Eric Daman: Blake Lively has many talents, stop showcasing your favourite two.

Oh Lord.

No, Vanessa.

No.

Betty Draper may espouse this style of dress, but why in the world didn’t V get it fitted? There’s too much fabric in the sleeves and around the bust which makes her chest look saggy, and the belt isn’t tight enough to outline her waist. The final blow is the medallion Vanessa decided would totally smarten up her grandma’s dress. It's ugly. End of.

As Aaron’s art show drones on late into the night, Rufus shows his stripes: a suit with very similar colours to Nate’s earlier shirt. The pinstripes are perhaps a deeper shade of red and the fabric is more black than blue, but there’s still a resemblance...no points for the black shirt. If you wear it with a black suit, you look like a Sith lord, if you wear it with a bright suit, you look like a ‘70s pop icon.

The Brooklynites can’t win, can they?

At least not with me...