New Haven Can Wait - Part 1 of 3 - My Fair Ladies

Episode Synopsis: And on the eighth day, God created the Ivy League. The Battle of New Haven commences as S and B slug it out for plum spots at Yale, complete with an Audrey Hepburn dream sequence. Elsewhere, Chuck hunts down the elusive Skull and Bones and claims Dan is Nate, which gets even more confusing when Nate claims to be Dan in order to chase some Connecticut tail. Back in the Big Apple, Vanessa and Jenny form an unholy alliance to keep J in work at Eleanor Waldorf’s Little Sweatshop of Horrors, and Rufus makes inappropriate googly eyes at Lily’s van der Woodsens. Let’s roll on with the show...

“The rain...in Spain...stays mainly...in the...plain?”

Leighton Meester’s dulcet Cockney tones grate on the ear just as her outfit does on the eye. I know she’s supposed to be Audrey in the guise of a poor London flower seller, but couldn’t Eliza Doolittle have picked clothes that don’t look like they came out of the gutter along with her accent?

Luckily, Dream!Serena is here to show us how it’s done.

Blair clearly has no illusions about her frenemy even in her sleep, Serena’s costume from the same movie is skin tight with cleavage cut down to there, accessorised with glossy red lipstick. Audrey claimed she could have danced all night; not sure what Serena has planned for the evening...

Luckily, even Blair’s unsweetened dreams come complete with glamorous nightwear. I’m not sure how well a halter-neck would work in bed, but the rich royal blue ruffles and, of course, mandatory black silk sleep mask just scream attendee at the Dean of Yale’s private reception. No? No one else getting that?

In order to ensure her success, Blair dons a dowdy Annie Hall outfit which makes her really fit in at Yale – as part of the foliage. A sludgy green and grey cardigan tops a mustard coloured shirt (with accordion pleats, ack!) and multi-hued camo coloured tie. Her purse is dark green, boxy, and looks like untreated crocodile hide. Bad form, B.

Serena’s purse is eerily similar, though her outfit is miles away sartorially speaking. Her prime assets are on parade in a tucked white tee, paired with slim cut jeans and the knee high boots she so favoured in season one. The pièce de résistance, however, comes in the form of that wonderful blazer: ivory and with a stylishly high colour, vertical purple stripes match a purple and gold crest worthy of her long-legged lineage.

S both wins and loses at the dean’s reception. This little number does wonders showcasing a golden and glowing décolleté and, at almost knee length, it’s positively conservative for Serena. However, the khaki colour doesn't fit with white and black, and the cut of the dress is just plain boring. Dare I say she’s a little underdressed for such an auspicious occasion?

Woah, woah, woah – I take it all back. Since Blair’s dressed as a hedge this epi, Serena can do no wrong.

B’s green dress is certainly appropriate for the evening, but then she adds an enormous cardigan and swamps her figure completely. The topper on this Christmas tree of a disaster is a lavender headband, where the bow overwhelms Blair’s simple hairstyle and clashes with the rest of the ensemble. Someone’s getting coal in their Falke stockings this year...

Voila, some colour! Only now Blair’s not a hedge...she’s a popsicle. The same three colours of white, grey and blue run throughout the outfit, but the clashing patterns on the shirt alone are too busy and her shoes are clompy and match neither icky skirt nor poorly fitting top. God knows what she was thinking when it came to accessories – her scarf and hat appear to have been chosen in the dark.

Finally, Serena brings it home, a vision in a white sweater dress with a light pattern of runs. She suffers from the Gossip Girl Curse of the White Tights, yes, but these are sheer and almost sparkly, so I can’t hate them for too long.

Caught between Princess Rock and Queen Hard Place is Dean Berube, a stereotypical dean with neat grey hair, pants up to his armpits and suits in varying shades of dull and blah. He is naturally charmed by Serena, underestimates Blair and is scathing of Dan.

That sums up the whole season, really.

The Alfred to the Dean’s Batman is Shirley, a secretary who loves cats so much that they dominate her décor and dress sense. What would you call that colour, Russian Blue? Silver Tabby? Either way, she’s WASP-tastic in a tie-neck shirt and skirt suit, accessorised with a knitted brooch which actually looks less cat, more raccoon.

New Haven Can Wait - Part 2 of 3 - The League of Underage Gentlemen

It’s a Connecticut miracle! Nate actually shows Yale his best in this awesome argyle sweater over a baby blue Oxford shirt and matching charcoal and blue striped tie. Sure, his pants are basic, black and a little baggy, but he’s gone from a Monet – as Cher Horowitz put it so well – to a fully blown modern masterpiece.

Maybe he’s been spending too much time with this young blade.

Chuck, as ever, goes over the top and just manages to pull it off. A pale pink shirt is topped with deep brown cravat and saffron coloured jacket with clashing pocket square, not to mention those incredible burnt orange pants (very nicely fitted) and glossy winkle-picker shoes. Peacocking or just plain posing, he looks fabulous.

Dear Daniel, on the other hand...the nicest way to say it is that he looks like he rolled in poop. His suit, shirt and tie are all one colour, the block of icky brown only alleviated by some acidic green stripes on the tie. He looks like a walking hangover.

And yet Nate, who looks like a walking dream, has to impersonate said Humphrey in order to woo this young lady: Jordan, the TA. Her grey sweater and purple scarf are pretty unremarkable in the first photo, but I love the way she mixes up textures with a cowl neck red sweater over a fitted blue cardigan and jeans.

Chuck Bass’ reason for visiting Yale? To find the secret Skull and Bones society. Although they find him first – and put a bag over that prettily coiffed head – his after-party outfit is sensational: sticking to the classics, he opts for an immaculately cut grey suit over a dove grey shirt, adding a splash of colour with that rather fabulous red bow tie.

Oh, Chuck, join my society...

The Basshole’s leaving ensemble almost tops it, were it not for those baggy grey pants. The clashing pattern of pinstripes on the shirt, golfer’s style print on the cardigan and fleur de lis on the tie are just so wonderfully old school English, and we Brits go gaga for a man in a nicely turned cardigan.

Nate will literally never be able to better his earlier argyle flirtation, but this green and navy rugby shirt is pretty sweet. It’s nice to see him in a bright colour that isn’t blue, and the white collar breaks up the stripes very neatly.

Dan wears a grey sweater, and makes me redundant as a recapper. Go to Hell, Humphrey, and take your V-necks with you!

New Haven Can Wait - Part 3 of 3 - The Devil Wears Waldorf

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Jenny Humphrey didn’t look like a strung out raccoon. She wore patterned dresses with kitsch lace accents, and it was kind of okay to see her bra because the dress was chiffony rather than because it had huge holes cut in it simply for the purpose (*cough* Unblairable Lightness of Being *cough*).

Vanessa Abrams has always looked like a cross between a bag lady and an extra from Hair: psychedelia all around. This epi, she tries to persuade Rufus of the joys of child labour by use of an enormous yellow bangle, shirt of many colours and scarily bedazzled cleavage. Has she been taking lessons from Serena?

Rufus espouses peace and freedom, i.e. his daughter not working in a sweatshop, in this plaid shirt we’ve definitely seen before. You live in Brooklyn, Rufus, not the Adirondacks.

He’s going head-to-head with Eleanor Waldorf for Little J’s soul, who is as ever wearing a shiny blouse. This one comes in quite a gorgeous embossed purple pattern with an assorted bead necklace that’s almost cute for Eleanor.

However, the hottest mama on the UES is unashamedly Lily van der Woodsen, who fits into this slinky little number destined for her daughter. The body of the dress is short and tight, and the cape-like sleeves drape nicely around Lily’s shapely shoulders and gravity defying cleavage. Definitely a Serena dress, but Lil has definitely still got it.

No wonder Rufus’ eyes just about fall out when he sees her.

Jenny re-emerges from the depths of Eleanor Waldorf Designs in a blue contrast tee with almost glam upswept hair at breakfast time. She looks lovely in muted colours for once.

Vanessa’s inappropriate cleavage once against reappears over waffles and juice. Other than the deep V-neck, her floral top is actually quite tasteful, and the yellow and purple shades go wonderfully with her skin. My problem? She’s wearing that necklace from earlier again, which looks like one chain has got tangled up and she’s trying to work it.

It’s not working.

They may be states apart, but both Humphrey men are on the same page. Dung coloured plaid from Rufus rounds off an episode in which his son has actually 'got some' in the guise of Nate – meaning Dan was boring, Nate whipped up a storm, and little Jenny Humphrey worked like a Victorian chimney sweep because Vera Wang once did too.

Thank God Chuck and Blair make up most of the plot this season, because bowties and headbands are the only bright spot in my plaid wilderness right now. Help!