The Ex Files - Part 1 of 3 - Game of Thrones

Episode Synopsis: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess and a vengeful queen. Princess Serena, who was always good and kind to paupers, was betrayed by them – and Queen Blair never liked to let a slight pass. Together with her minions, she worked to destroy Humdrum Humphrey and his belle de jour, unaware that a Dark Knight had been pulling her strings all along. This slippery Bass deposed the queen, replaced her with the princess, and watch the sparks fly. Poor Queen B tried to help Sir Natefused slay a Duchess-Dragon, but in the end just lost was her Lord. Let’s roll on with the show...

Another year at Constance, another fresh batch of souls for Blair to harvest. She tries to look queenly, but ends up overcompensating: a cape style cardigan is a lovely idea, but that lace overlay and high collar plus a corsage are just one step too far. Nevertheless, her tiara-esque headband is utterly delectable.

Serena, on the other hand, is still clinging to the summer. Her flowing tresses and headband are carefree and cute, as are her assortment of charm necklaces. I can’t recommend pairing a cream waistcoat with a plain white tee, though, sorry S.

In the first of many faux pas, Queen B’s royal court take fashion from fab to foolish. Iz’s blouse strains across her chest, whereas Penelope – as ever – tries to fit too many colours into one ensemble and accessorises with cheap looking jewellery.

An unexpected star is Nelly Yuki (who doesn’t love to say that name?) who coordinates her headband, glasses and bow necktie, all in shades of blue. Go Nelly! Go Nelly!

I think one of the best scenes of season one was Blairena’s brawl on the hockey field, and here our girls look sporty and spectacular. Blair chooses red and coordinates with a wristband, headband and bow buckled belt (je l’adore!), Penelope a red sweatband and socks, Iz a sweatband and a belt and a necklace and wristbands and socks and shoes in pink, and Serena...

Serena doesn’t play ball, just ties a scarf around her head. Oh wait, she has a wristband. It’s white and grey. BORING.

The gang ships out to STK over the course of two night, and both times, Iz and Penelope are joined at the hip.

Night one: oh, pretty! Iz has a Wilma Flintstone vibe going on with a one shoulder animal print dress and chunky beads; the muted colours make her skin glow. Penelope wears something silky and deep red, with a goddess style neckline. All hail to thee, P!

Night two: was there a memo about this mother’s meeting? Iz chokes herself with far too much buttercup yellow chiffon and a huge bow at her neck, then layers up and fails further with a long turquoise necklace. Penelope, on the other hand, is wearing a blouse made from bacon, and a headband which doesn’t even match. A poor showing, ladies.

Serena, who has an eye for these things, shows off her van der Woodsens in a black Herve Leger style bandage dress with lilac panels and tousled locks. Simple, but oh so sexy.

Blair discovers – from Vanessa, no less – that Lord Marcus has been schtupping his stepmother. Heartbreak makes her look wonderful, surprisingly enough: red eyes aside, B’s summer dress has wonderful ruffle detailing, as well as a big yellow bow pulling in her teeny tiny waist. Her tumble of curls is very season one, and tres Marie Antoinette.

Okay, B, heartbreak not so becoming now. Were you so blinded by tears that you could no longer apply foundation? The poor girl’s face is a very different colour to her hand, and she dresses it up with several shades of vomit, mustard and olive. Life without a Lord can really takes its toll...

Oh, hi Isabelope. Is it time to terrorise Little J already?

Instance number one has them rocking simplicity: Iz pairs a darling patterned headband with a blouse which actually fits, while P wears a long strand of red beads over her pinafore and looks just plain sassy; less is always more for Penelope.

Instance number two: no...just no. Iz, are you going to play bingo with the other old ladies in Boca in that visor and kitschy necklace? Penelope, how are those enormous pearls not dragging your head down? You two are supposed to be playing sport, and you both have ‘health and safety hazard’ written all over you!

A change in the breeze has Isabel off to Woodstock in that bizarre headscarf, with too many chains and a bedazzled ivory sweater which blows her out to complete/ruin the look. Penelope attempts to mix purple plaid with Constance plaid and fails, and once again Nelly Yuki romps home. Vintage glasses, beige headband, beige sweater vest, simple chain necklace. Go Nelly! Go Nelly!

Did I say a change in the breeze? It’s a change in the monarchy that brings out Serena’s true colours. She wears a neat littlr mushroom coloured waistcoat that matches the accents on her purse, adding some colour with the addition of a Chanel headscarf – and that, Iz, is how it’s done.

Boyfriend gone and now friends gone too, Blair becomes a wreck. She’s completely orange now, with her hair styled in ratty chunks which can’t even be saved by that covetable buckled headband. Her ascot is sweet, but a puffy blouse and pencil skirt make the svelte Leighton Meester looks like she’s packing a paunch.

Not a good look for the now dissed and dismissed Queen B.

The Ex Files - Part 2 of 3 - It's A Boy Girl Thing

Meet Amanda, who is Dan with boobs. Ain’t she a sweetie pie? Cute waistcoat, loose tie, chic shoe-boots, long luscious hair like an Afghan hound (remember that hair, dear reader)...throw in a touch of plaid and some chilli and she’s practically a Humphrey!

Speaking of Humphreys...

I threw Dan and Nate in the same picture because that’s another cutie in danger of becoming a Humphrey. Messenger bag, sloppy tie, unbuttoned collar – oh Nate, where did the good go? Has Vanessa clipped your suit-wearing Vanderbilt wings?

Anyhoo, Amanda and Dan go off to STK, where she wears this plunging patterned dress. Amanda’s showing a touch too much cleavage for a first date, but the colours of her dress – hot pink, pale purple, black and splashes of yellow – are a lovely fusion of day and evening wear. I bet you could pair this dress with a jacket and leggings and it would still be pretty.

Dan wears an ill fitting jacket and shirt. The shirt is a bizarre shade of pale lavender (I mean, you’d remember it if you saw it again, right?)

Two separate nights, two separate light sources and still the same shirt, this time topped with a waistcoat; I loathe Dan’s waistcoats. They’re usually rumpled, and in any case should be used to dress up a casual shirt, not dress down a formal one.

Want to see a man who can wear a waistcoat, Dan?

Chuck’s plaid waistcoat matches the colour of his shirt, tie and jacket, and is therefore admissible (despite the fact that it is still plaid). Also...he’s Chuck Bass. Even Brooklynites know what that means.

Now, want to see a man who can wear purple, Dan?

It’s like Oscar de la Renta made love to the Easter Bunny. Effortlessly, the most metrosexual man on this show brings together a sharply cut violet suit and a lilac shirt with striped collar and placket. Chuck perfects this confection with a pink and cream paisley bowtie and still manages to look but mouth-watering and manly. Yum.

Nate too hits it out of the park this episode. See what he’s wearing? See? It’s...

IT’S NOT BLUE!

Ring out the bells! Call the president! Nate Archibald is wearing a black and red striped polo shirt and a Natefused expression, and he looks fantastic. Our blue-eyed boy has taken his first steps as a colour savvy man, and I feel so proud.

Now, back to business. Remember Amanda the Afghan’s glossy pelt? Someone got Nairtini’ed!

Such a shame, when she went to the trouble of picking out a nice geometrically printed strapless and matching her accessories. Farewell to thee, Amanda, short-lived love interest of Dan's who was secretly working for Chuck in a plot to sabotage Blair by annoying Serena in a plan too bizarre to fathom.

The Ex Files - Part 3 of 3 - The Backup Plan

Back from honeymoon without Bart Basstard, Lily seems content to be elegant and lonesome in this wonderful negligee/peignoir set in smoky blue with black lace accents. Even her two-tone reading glasses match, though only a lady as classy as Lily could pull off diamonds at breakfast.

Is that a glow or what?

Her signature chignon in place, Lily decides to pursue her former Humphrey flame in this flowing summery top and long blue and gold necklace. The blue is a bit vibrant next to the muted shades of the top and I wouldn’t have gone as far as matching earrings, but Lily pulls it off.

Let’s face it, Kelly Rutherford could pull off a burlap sack.

Rufus has clearly dressed up for the occasion – first Nate wearing a colour other than blue, and now Papa Humphrey out of his beloved plaid! This faded denim shirt is nothing special, but it’s a big step in the right direction as far as Rufus’ sartorial taste goes.

He amazes me even further by wearing an olive coloured military jacket with some cool epaulettes later on in the show. What has come over you, Rufus, and how long can it last?

Even Lily’s surprised!

She’s reverted to Stepford wife form with this black top, combining all the things I love: frills, block colour and a pattern overlay. Back are the classic diamond studs, but there’s a little boho twist courtesy of that hexagonal bangle.

The UES's other sugar mama turns up at the gallery to harass Vanessa and instead ends up turning on half the audience in this stunning green bandage dress. Sure, her hair’s a little over-styled, but if I were Madchen Amick, I would wear this dress everyday for the rest of my life! Shock and awe out of the way, Catherine adds a square green bangle and glossy brown clutch.

Bravo, Duchess.

Vanessa knows that Lady C has been doing the nasty with her stepson Lord Marcus (ewww!) who will unfailingly wear blue, beige or grey. And...grey and blue, what are the odds? A light check on that shirt isn’t enough to save you from obscurity, Your Lordliness.

Surprisingly enough, Vanessa holds her own this episode. Her graduated gold necklace actually toes the line between pretty and gauche and, while she can’t deny her need for a chunky gold bangle and hoop earrings, they’re ten times more subtle than her usual bag lady look. That purple top does wonderful things for her skin tone, and I actually like its draped neckline and bizarre woven shoulderpads.

...and then all my approval evaporates.

V over-tousles her mane, adds heavy hoop earrings and a thick gold gangster chain (invalidating the appeal of that other interesting looking silver necklace) and – horror of horrors – tries to liven up a sludgy, splashy grey/purple vest top by flashing her sky blue bra straps. Her handbag even matches the aforementioned revolting vest.

Having screwed over everyone, Vanessa takes a leaf from Blair’s book and goes completely to seed. She turns bright orange, overloads on the purple and bright blue eye shadow and attaches dream catchers to her earlobes in the hope of better luck next time.

In the remains of this Brooklyn tragedy, little Jenny Humphrey is a breath of fresh air.

Those suspender things she wears attached to her plaid skirt always fit awkwardly, but Jenny counters this with a frilly placket running down the front of her tee. Her makeup is barely there, and little touches of rebellion come from her cyanotic nails and orange bangle.

Let this be a lesson to us all: have a light hand with the foundation brush, don’t try to bargain with the British (you remember the last time you Yanks tried that with my people?) and do NOT involve Vanessa in your love life – or you’re likely to end up Nairtini’ed, heartbroken or, in Nate’s case, out of work.

This is the last we see of the Brits, however, so bye bye Catherine and Marcus. Considering the state of the Royal Family, let’s hope England looks upon your incest kindly.