Episode Synopsis: For all Lily’s floozying, she and Bart are up to tie the knot and finally unleash the epicness that is van der Bass. Serena dresses like a deranged bumblebee and weeps her bridesmaid’s duties away, Chuck and Blair match clothing and make out, Dan is unnecessarily judgemental and Nate and Vanessa continue to have no chemistry whatsoever. There’s a wedding with no cake, several million extras and Nate’s dad is either running away to join le Cirque du Soleil or buying drugs. Questions?
Lily threw caution to the wind and spent the night before her wedding in the arms of a plaid comforter sometimes known as Rufus Humphrey. When husband-to-be Bart summons her the next day, she chooses to meet him in a flawless coral linen dress and nude Louboutins, plus woven purse with leather accents. Her simple white and silver necklace is a coup, but is that a sovereign ring on her hand? Does she use it to signal traffic?
Never has a man looked so like a shark – albeit it a snappily dressed shark. It’s lovely to see Bart in a lighter colour, and the blue-ish lavender of his shirt and darker patterned tie pops the blue of his (scarily fishy) eyes. He’s kind of like the Upper East Side’s John Galliano: you love his clothes, but the thought of ever getting up close and personal with him is a big no-no.
‘In our family portrait, we look pretty happy’...or not, if you hail from casa Sparks.
Do you feel the wrath radiating from Elvira’s basket weave cream jacket, regal looking maroon scarf and horribly bland purse? Or is it the washed out blue shirt and windowpane checked jacket of Beelzebub which makes you quake in your boots?
Either way, no amount of eyeliner can stand up to the wrath of Georgina’s parents. Sayonara, G. Enjoy boot camp.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Brooklyn, Rufus is spurred to make a bid for his lady love by the sage words of Dan, Lord Judgemental. Rufus clambers aboard his white horse (aka the subway) in this forgettable, regrettable brown shirt, though at least he has enough sense to grab a nicely tailored jacket on his way out.
It would take a heart of stone to turn down that face...good thing Bart’s got it covered.
It’s his wedding day, and the man still looks like his dog just died. On the plus plus plus side, he’s in white tie and tails. Yes. Oh yes.
Captain, I will never have sympathy either for you or your seemingly never-ending array of blue shirts and grey suits. What worked on Bart washes you out, and I hate you anyway for popping your pretty son in the face. Sorry. Nice attempt with the patterned cream tie, though.
Honey, you aren’t Chuck Bass, so lose the multiple pinstripes, the bowtie and that dishtowel in your pocket and you and I will call it even, ‘kay?
That pink pinstriped shirt would definitely work with a less busy accessory so close to it, but that pocket square is a dish towel. This particular minion clearly spent more time planning this outfit than the actual wedding (which is probably how Rufus Humphrey got in).
All together now: here comes the bride, da da dah dahhh...
I’ve already recapped Lily’s wedding dress, but the final product is a masterpiece. Yes, the van der Boobsen cleavage is an important guest star, but I love the spring feeling of her simple bouquet, the classic chignon with flower, the tasteful but covetable diamond jewellery...if I looked like Lily, I’d get married over and over just to look this fantastic one more time.
Honeymoon time: Lily goes classic in black and white with a sari blouse style neckline. I love the fraying around the collar – it adds a little bit of fun to the ensemble. She could’ve done with a brighter purse, but you can’t have everything.
Also off to an undisclosed but supposedly romantic location is Bart, who has just finished messing with Chuck’s head – you know, just for lolz. He does so in a cream linen blazer and pale blue shirt, possibly the most relaxed we will ever see Bart Bass.
...and here’s the arms Bart’s ill advised ‘you’re going to be a boring boyfriend’ speech propelled Chuck into. Sure, Amelia is beautiful and dressed in a gorgeous cerulean dress with gently draping sleeves and a V-neck and an Elvis sized medallion with matching gold bangles, but she has nothing on Blair! Blair has a hat!
Amelia, you have no idea how much I want to kill you right now.
And when Bass is away, the mice will play. Blair catches the eye of Ben, not so much of a catch himself, though I do love his lilac shirt and striped raspberry tie. The suit...meh. Maybe he and Amelia should hook up.
As for the biggest loser of the season, Rufus rides off into the sunset in a tour bus, armed with guitar, wristbands, and hideous plaid shirt: half deeply disturbing blue and red plaid, half basic black. There will be teardrops on his guitar before the episode is through, you mark my words.