Much 'I Do' About Nothing - Part 1 of 2 - Legal Drinking Age & Over

Episode Synopsis: For all Lily’s floozying, she and Bart are up to tie the knot and finally unleash the epicness that is van der Bass. Serena dresses like a deranged bumblebee and weeps her bridesmaid’s duties away, Chuck and Blair match clothing and make out, Dan is unnecessarily judgemental and Nate and Vanessa continue to have no chemistry whatsoever. There’s a wedding with no cake, several million extras and Nate’s dad is either running away to join le Cirque du Soleil or buying drugs. Questions?

Lily threw caution to the wind and spent the night before her wedding in the arms of a plaid comforter sometimes known as Rufus Humphrey. When husband-to-be Bart summons her the next day, she chooses to meet him in a flawless coral linen dress and nude Louboutins, plus woven purse with leather accents. Her simple white and silver necklace is a coup, but is that a sovereign ring on her hand? Does she use it to signal traffic?

Never has a man looked so like a shark – albeit it a snappily dressed shark. It’s lovely to see Bart in a lighter colour, and the blue-ish lavender of his shirt and darker patterned tie pops the blue of his (scarily fishy) eyes. He’s kind of like the Upper East Side’s John Galliano: you love his clothes, but the thought of ever getting up close and personal with him is a big no-no.

‘In our family portrait, we look pretty happy’...or not, if you hail from casa Sparks.

Do you feel the wrath radiating from Elvira’s basket weave cream jacket, regal looking maroon scarf and horribly bland purse? Or is it the washed out blue shirt and windowpane checked jacket of Beelzebub which makes you quake in your boots?

Either way, no amount of eyeliner can stand up to the wrath of Georgina’s parents. Sayonara, G. Enjoy boot camp.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Brooklyn, Rufus is spurred to make a bid for his lady love by the sage words of Dan, Lord Judgemental. Rufus clambers aboard his white horse (aka the subway) in this forgettable, regrettable brown shirt, though at least he has enough sense to grab a nicely tailored jacket on his way out.

It would take a heart of stone to turn down that face...good thing Bart’s got it covered.

It’s his wedding day, and the man still looks like his dog just died. On the plus plus plus side, he’s in white tie and tails. Yes. Oh yes.

Captain, I will never have sympathy either for you or your seemingly never-ending array of blue shirts and grey suits. What worked on Bart washes you out, and I hate you anyway for popping your pretty son in the face. Sorry. Nice attempt with the patterned cream tie, though.

Honey, you aren’t Chuck Bass, so lose the multiple pinstripes, the bowtie and that dishtowel in your pocket and you and I will call it even, ‘kay?

That pink pinstriped shirt would definitely work with a less busy accessory so close to it, but that pocket square is a dish towel. This particular minion clearly spent more time planning this outfit than the actual wedding (which is probably how Rufus Humphrey got in).

All together now: here comes the bride, da da dah dahhh...

I’ve already recapped Lily’s wedding dress, but the final product is a masterpiece. Yes, the van der Boobsen cleavage is an important guest star, but I love the spring feeling of her simple bouquet, the classic chignon with flower, the tasteful but covetable diamond jewellery...if I looked like Lily, I’d get married over and over just to look this fantastic one more time.

Honeymoon time: Lily goes classic in black and white with a sari blouse style neckline. I love the fraying around the collar – it adds a little bit of fun to the ensemble. She could’ve done with a brighter purse, but you can’t have everything.

Also off to an undisclosed but supposedly romantic location is Bart, who has just finished messing with Chuck’s head – you know, just for lolz. He does so in a cream linen blazer and pale blue shirt, possibly the most relaxed we will ever see Bart Bass.

...and here’s the arms Bart’s ill advised ‘you’re going to be a boring boyfriend’ speech propelled Chuck into. Sure, Amelia is beautiful and dressed in a gorgeous cerulean dress with gently draping sleeves and a V-neck and an Elvis sized medallion with matching gold bangles, but she has nothing on Blair! Blair has a hat!

Amelia, you have no idea how much I want to kill you right now.

And when Bass is away, the mice will play. Blair catches the eye of Ben, not so much of a catch himself, though I do love his lilac shirt and striped raspberry tie. The suit...meh. Maybe he and Amelia should hook up.

As for the biggest loser of the season, Rufus rides off into the sunset in a tour bus, armed with guitar, wristbands, and hideous plaid shirt: half deeply disturbing blue and red plaid, half basic black. There will be teardrops on his guitar before the episode is through, you mark my words.

Much 'I Do' About Nothing - Part 2 of 2 - The Young & Restless

Bizarrely enough, many of our Upper East Siders are walking shamefully in last episode’s outfits. Serena, for example, is still in her gorgeous rehearsal dinner dress and gold lame coat (I don’t like it, fellow YKYLF staffer Beth likes it, I like Beth, everything gets quite confusing).

The one thing I think we can all agree about is that her hair looks gorgeous here.

Speaking of shame, it adores Georgina, probably why she looks so stunning in this black beaded dress. I will even make allowances for her grey tights here, since they work and those black pumps are fierce and dang, I wish all evil people dressed this well.

Shame giggles at Dan and leaves him to his fate in this no-colour shirt and grey vest, just right to expose the beginning of his love affair with chest hair.

By season three, that hair will be more of a character than Dan is.

This is totally not a surplus, already recapped photo to show how sweet Chuck and Blair are in bed together.

Okay, maybe it is.

Fortunately, nothing gets Blair out of bed like a diabolical scheme.

This outfit is another one of my favourites of hers – she mixes patterns effortlessly, combining a red and white patterned dress with a beige and green coat in a larger print. A red and green headband tops her wonderful hair, and a large yellow purse neatly pulls the ensemble together. Bravo, Queen B!

Poor G doesn’t even go with a bang – more of a whimper, really. She’s drained the pretty colour from her face with that grey sweater and leather jacket – though I’m loving the boho pocket charms – plus black skirt, tights and assorted/wristbands/silver punk rocker jewellery.

Don’t worry, this black sheep will be reborn a little lamb next season, but until then it’s Utah, boot camp, and a whole lot of redemption.

Did I mention Dan plays part in Blair’s scheme? No? I probably forgot him due to the presence of yet another plaid shirt, pair of jeans and – yikes – a pair of battered loafers. Where for art thou, sartorial god Chuck Bass?

Yay!

Chuck, best man and man of my dreams, brings it home in this delectably stark black suit with snowy white shirt and pocket square and darling cream and cerise flower patterned bowtie. His boutonniere is wonderfully whimsical snowdrops, and the man is wearing spats. HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE HIM?

Luckily, I think she does.

Many people loathe this dress – the large flower concealing the halter neck along with the flower on her headband, the ribbon tie heels and the dress’ bubble skirt. I love it all – I love her braided hair, I love her light makeup, I love the touches of green in the dress and the matching flower jewellery.

I love the way she matches Chuck...

This is totally not a surplus, already recapped photo to show how sweet Chuck and Blair are in full make out mode.

Okay, maybe it is.

Also present at this sociopathic shindig is Nate. There is nothing remarkable about his single-breasted navy pinstripe suit or pale gold tie, though I do like the way his shirt binds the two colours together (via yet another variety of plaid)...

...Vanessa, lame outer boroughs date (this is possibly her best outfit in the history of the show. The orange is stunning against her skin, and a soft side ponytail showcases her face and stunning tiger lily hair accessory. Silver stilettos and matching turquoise jewellery? Full marks, V!)...

...and Dan, the most judgemental man since Simon Cowell. I have nothing to say about his boring black (yes, that is black, it’s just a crappy photo) suit and tie, nor his pistachio coloured shirt.

That’s why I obscured it with scenery.

Highlights of the night included an appearance by Serena, the morbid bridesmaid. Let’s be clear – this outfit belongs in the deepest circle of hell.

The lemon yellow floral is light and pretty, but a high clown collar chokes S, especially with such a low slung hairstyle. Black accessories and makeup kill the floral appeal, and all those ruffles add extra weight to Blake Lively’s wonderfully long legs.

This is such a fashion no-no that even my grandma, passing by my desk, went, ‘oh dear’.

Chuck and Blair are off to Tuscany (or so she thinks). Blair pulls out this charming little number for the flight, navy and white and skin-tight throughout, and she looks a million dollars. I crave her hat like Rufus craves waffles, and that tiny green neckerchief is adorable.

Too bad her mile high club companion has his mind elsewhere...

I should have known he was treacherous when I saw that plaid. Sweater vests always begin with the best intentions, but you know something’s wrong when Chuck Bass starts looking like a maniacal Matthew Morrison.

Across the river, Dan is wearing his favourite (read: often repeated, totally disgusting) oversized shirt.

By contrast, Vanessa is wearing hardly anything, bizarre as it is barely summer in New York and the temperature won’t spike for at least another month. Put your navel back in its box, V, and lock up that mushroom coloured skirt/pair of shorts/skort – too much jewellery ain’t gonna keep you warm.

As for Nate and Serena...well. The wind whips through her hair and ruffles that shimmery batwing cardigan, brown vest and the sunlight glints off that sweet stacked necklace combo. His striped polo shirt flutters, and the drawstrings on his blue hooded sweater swing.

Together, they are the world’s greatest Abercrombie & Fitch campaign.