All About My Brother - Part 1 of 3 - Hellcats

Episode Synopsis: this episode is a series of outings for our Upper East Siders: Serena is outed as a felon, Eric is outed as batting for the other team (with Little J’s BF, no less), and Lily is outed as a ‘screw it and do it anyway’ kind of gal, putting aside her feelings for a shag carpet – oh, my mistake, was that Rufus? – in favour of a society wedding with some cold hard Bass. Blair drags herself back to the top, and proceeds to smile evilly. Dan and Vanessa also feature, though who knows why. Let’s roll on with the show...

The Battle of Gettysburg; Custer’s Last Stand; The Gulf War. None of these conflicts quite measure up to the Battle of the Met Steps. My money’s on Blair, purely for the reason that the most notable time she rocked navy and red was when she was having Nate’s cake and letting Chuck eat hers too. The girl can multi-task.

Here endeth the sexual allusions and begineth the analysis.

Jenny, I love your blue sparkly headband. I love your lemon yellow coat. I love your huge pink handbag. I love your silver Mary Janes and fishnets. This episode is a strong one for Jenny sartorially, and this delicious ensemble is just the aperitif.

Unfortunately, Blair kinda looks like she’s going to rip J’s face off.

What sells me on this outfit is the details: it’s not the red tights, it’s texture of the red tights. It’s the red cardigan peeping out from beneath that admiral-able (I’m stopping with the puns, I promise!) naval style coat. It’s the way her headband and handbag match. This is Blair in full armour, and the effect is spectacular.

As in any war or game of softball, there are two teams. Let’s talk Team Backing up Brooklyn first.

They’re all wearing a little bit of Little J. Littlest Minion brings out the pink handbag in her patterned and patent ensemble complete with bow headband, Penelope spices up her lavender outfit with some vaguely yellow/green flats, and Hazel pops that blue in a divine sky blue coat. As ever, Hazel gets extra points: crimson patterned tights with white double strap heels? Is she secretly rooting for Blair and her stellar colour scheme?

Speaking of Team Backing up the Blue-Blood, here they are now.

Perhaps to make up for Blair’s depleted numbers, Iz mixes red and white patterns, white accessories and bizarre turquoise leggings to her heart’s content. As Bethany noted in last week’s recap, Nelly Yuki (like Blair, I cannot seem to stop using her full name), really needs to up her game vis-à-vis those shades of boring and drab. And no headband? OMG!

With her dramatic colouring, our Queen B usually goes for bright colours which emphasise her pale skin or dark hair, but here she steals the show at her plotting party in a brown pencil skirt and tie neck pewter shirt. Even Nelly looks vaguely acceptable in her draped mushroom coloured dress, though I don’t quite know what to make of Isabel in that black and lime patterned cream confection.

Here, sadly, Jenny is just begging me to tear her to shreds. That pink blouse looks like it’s supposed to be white but had an unfortunate incident at the laundromat. Also, those bizarre suspender things holding up her skirt are shifting about due to the sudden advent of Little J’s chest, and really just make her look poochy.

I like this outfit for entirely different reasons to the one at the Steps. It’s particularly nice to see one of our Gossip Girls in jeans, but really sells me on it is the corsage topping her striped cardigan. It doesn’t need to be there; still, it adds an extra pop of colour and remind us of the girl who Jenny used to be.

Now, on to the party: this is one of my favourite Blair ensembles ever. The super long string of pearls tied to her wrists and turned into bracelets, the flapper-style silver and black dress and headband...all I can say is she looks fierce, and she looks like Blair Waldorf: killer queen.

This is, without a doubt, the best dress Jenny has ever worn – the lilac and flower detail complete with matching headband are nothing short of exquisite. As for the minions, however...oh dear.

I like Penelope’s multicoloured halter-neck, but hate her huge red hippie pendant (once more, they’re all wearing long necklaces – as is J). Hazel drops the ball once again by dressing in a smear of pastels which makes her look pregnant, complete with enormous rap star gold chain, and Iz is turning into Vanessa. Gold, gold and more gold destroys the appeal of that gorgeous cerulean dress and headband. Sigh.

“I lied, and I stole, and I lost the respect of my family,” says Jenny tearfully, all while toting this wonderfully patterned coat.

“I tried to warn you,” replies Blair. “There’s a price to pay.”

And as Jenny leaves the penthouse, broken dreams in tow, the camera lingers on B. We’re left to wonder what price she paid – her fall from grace, her insecurity, or the boys who loved her.

She freshens up, however, into a black lacy peignoir and negligee to greet her newly grieving BFF; because every time God ends a class war, Serena accidentally murders her dealer.

All About My Brother - Part 2 of 3 - Pretty Little Liars

Secrets, secrets everywhere, and no one left to tell; though Serena looks cool as a breeze in yet another brown leather jacket (this one with red lining), military style waistcoat (OMG, want!) plus the obligatory t-shirt/plaidskirt/tie combo. I think her fringed purse is perhaps taking it a little too far – there’s a fine line between rawhide chic and Pocahontas.

Across town, Georgina is busy pretending to be someone else. I love the way her colour palette changes between personas: Sarah’s outfit for morning coffee consists of a Mondrian style patterned shirt, spangled grey cardigan and simple silver pendant. Are these the clothes of a girl who would lie to you?

I seriously wish I could consign those earrings to the fiery pits of Hell, but no such luck – you’ll see them again in season two. Vanessa pairs them with a golden lips necklace, bangle and watch. Her graphic grey vest would look far nicer without something else grey on top of it, though I give her props for trying to emulate Serena on the waistcoat trend – everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is by imitating his girlfriend.

Elsewhere, Lily has turned into Bridezilla and lost all sense of style. I have big love for her classic, Chanel-esque cardigan, but who in their right mind would pair it with a yellow and white patterned blouse and bright green skirt? The mind boggles...

If there is a God, I will look like Kelly Rutherford in Vera Wang. Yes, it’s strapless and she’s no longer in her thirties, but she can totally pull it off.

As for her dress for dinner...Lily, Sue Storm called. She wants her outfit back. Is that a hint of the famous van der Boobsen cleavage?

Though of course, she’s not the one who really lets down the van der Woodsen team here. Remember Serena’s menu testing dress? Remember how badly it was fitted? Remember how it pulled in all the wrong places? Remember the poor choice of accessories completely negating the fact she was wearing gold, her signature colour?

Yeah, this is worse. Is that a Pez dispenser hanging round her neck?

Even mortal fear cannot explain S’s wardrobe faux pas, so let’s move on. Georgina assumes her mantle of Queen of the Undead to out Eric, and so her palette changes: heavy silver earrings and necklace, taupe blazer, black shirt. She becomes Georgina Sparks, and I can hear the Phantom of the Opera theme playing in the background.

But just look at the transformation! The addition of a cutesy scarf turns Georgina into Sarah, and the pink and brown shades near her face liven up her skin tone and make her look almost human! Again, I ask: is this the scarf of a girl who would lie to you?

Serena is suitably stricken. Either that, or she’s just realised she’s wearing yet another failure of a coat. She looks like a pair of pants from the ‘80s, and not the cool ‘80s flashback world of Lily Rhodes and that hot guy from Red Riding Hood. I don’t know which I dislike more – the coat, or the dress that it’s hiding.

Still oblivious to the fact that her daughter is being blackmailed by a heavily eyelinered teenage psychopath, Lily settles down with that well known tale, 'What To Do When Your Daughter’s Old Friend Outs Your Son At The Dinner Table'. She looks highly appropriate, of course, in a black lace nightgown, though I can’t help wondering where her waist went inside all that fabric.

All About My Brother - Part 3 of 3 - Everybody Hates Chuck

I sometimes wonder if Eric is secretly a Bass. Look at the plaid detail on his bag strap. Look at that secret smirk. He knows things we don’t (or possibly just things Little J doesn’t know about her newfound amore, Asher), and he’s enjoying it. Chuck would be proud.

Ah, hello Dan. I see you’re rocking various shades of sludge today. Would I care to elaborate? Why, yes: like Blair, Dan’s dark hair and eyes mean a bold palette would suit him, yet he sticks to khaki, olive, beige – Boring Boy seems a more accurate description than Lonely Boy. What in the world does Serena see in him (other than the Upper East Side version of Cinderella)?

Is that an escaped Dalton Academy Warbler? Someone alert Kurt Hummel this instant!

Unfortunately, no: that’s Asher Hornby, Jenny Humphrey’s new squeeze.

Like most male guest stars (Damian Dalgaard, Blair’s artsy Cameron, Marcus the Incestuous), Asher is a Nate clone, complete with blue eyes, brown hair and homoerotic tendencies. His bag of choice is the classy leather version of Dan’s messenger, and his uniform is in wonderfully rich shades of burgundy, green and blue, tying in nicely with the colour of his coat and saving it from obscurity. I’m gaga for those shiny gold buttons.

Rufus sticks with one outfit this episode, and I’m grateful for small mercies. What does not appease me, however, is the fact that it’s a white Henley topped with a grey and brown patterned plaid shirt and camel coloured leather jacket. For the love of Lily, Rufus, mix it up! Even Bart changes his ties!

Jenny pays Asher a visit (in the hope of swapping her V-card for some much needed notoriety) to find him wearing this darling ensemble – yes, it’s plaid and yes, that cardigan does err a little to the Dan Humphrey sense of style, but the plaid is pink and the cardigan is charming. Blaring truth, anyone? Asher’s not going to deflower Little J because he’s a –

Oh, hi Dan, didn’t see you there (though it’s hardly surprising when your shirt has the colour and pattern of poorly chosen wallpaper). Additionally, do any of the Humphrey men own clothes that fit them? Even Dan’s school uniform is too big.

But no! Eric too is now wearing an Oxford shirt which is clearly too big for him, so he kind of looks like a skinny orphan extra from Oliver!

And just when you think it’s safe to come out of the closet, out comes this coat; you know, the navy one which Eric and Nate seem to trade back and forth between episodes and which makes you want to self-immolate?

Yeah, that one.

Asher and Jenny host their first soiree, where Eric strikes a blow for Blair, himself and basically every other repressed gay man in this show and worldwide by publicly outing Asher.

If you wondered why I entitled this part ‘Everybody Hates Chuck’, here’s why: because hate is born of envy, and envy comes from the fact that Asher is one of the few men other than Chuck Bass I have ever seen successfully blend two types of plaid as well as pinstripes (look closely at his jacket). He even has the obligatory glass of scotch!

So Blair is back on top with no boyfriends, Jenny just lost her friends and her boyfriend, Asher was betrayed by his boyfriend, and Serena's boyfriend failed to do anything but stare into Michelle Trachtenberg's bewitching blue eyes all episode. However, a lot of sh*t is about to hit the fan: Serena killed someone, and there's a sex tape.

How very Lohan.