The Blair Bitch Project - Part 1 of 3 - Queens and Commoners

Episode Synopsis: Good Gossip Girl! The war between Blair and Jenny is on, and Little J turns to thieving as B turns up the heat. Elsewhere, the van der Basses are adapting to family life with Serena blaming Chuck for a procession of embarrassing deliveries. Dairy is dumped, Nate is useless and glory of glories, Vanessa is absent. Let’s roll on with the show...

It’s only my second time out, yet I get to recap an Audrey dream sequence, hurrah! Blair wears a double-breasted trench coat which is pulled in neatly to showcase her waist (because even in her dreams, she cannot be shapeless) and cute T-bar heels. I would say I love her miniature beehive ponytail, but wait...look at the back.

It’s forked.

Like a snake’s tongue.

Weird.

Humbug (that’s black and white candy to you Yanks) striped pyjamas with matching contrasting braid around the collar and cuffs? Why do I not own a pair of these? Unfortunately, Lady Godiva has proved to be Blair’s only friend of late; these PJs are too baggy and the polar opposite of that svelte trench. I’m gaga for her lace sleep mask, however.

Blair’s incognito look is frankly abhorrent: her headscarf and sunglasses only border on chic, and that bulky, puffed sleeved blouse only serves to make her look puffy. She’s buttoned up to the throat and topped with a cerulean blue disaster of a coat, its ruched shoulders overwhelming on B’s delicate frame, widening her torso with its boat neck and awkward belt. Leather driving gloves hardly help, and I swear my grandmother has that exact same purse.

Having yoghurt dumped on this outfit can only improve it.

Hmmm, I thought, viewing Blair’s ‘let’s all be friends again even though I kind of hate you’ dinner outfit. Where have I seen that before?

In ‘Hi, Society’, of course. Same headband, similarly cut dress, silver necklace. Is B trying to revisit a time when both Chuck and Nate wanted her, or is she just so depressed that she’s decided to commit sartorial suicide?

Are those heavenly choirs I hear? Blair’s got her groove back! She pairs a gorgeous green crochet headband with red blouse and sharply tailored blazer, adding a youthful cuteness with an adorable charm bracelet. Sure, her makeup isn’t so good and her face doesn’t match her hand colour-wise, but you can’t have everything.

And...another outfit repeat. While this atrocity isn’t as exact as earlier, the striped shirt/tie/blazer combo is almost identical to the one Blair wore in ’Seventeen Candles’, only that shirt was grey. She does rock a pink pocket square, but that seems to beg the question whether she’s given up on having Chuck and has just decided to dress like him instead.

Jenny is stepping into Blair’s Queen Bee shoes by literally wearing the same things, and it isn’t working . Tight curls beside a high necked blouse make her neckline fussy, though she does get snaps for that bow fronted red wrap/cardigan/length of material (actually, no snaps if it’s unidentifiable). Plaid skirt over...white tights. At least her headband matches her purse!

Wouldn’t you just know it, a Blair style fifties’ dress! I love the purple and block print, plus the flower in her hair, but B has definitely worn that bow pendant before. This recap is turning into a comedy of errors.

Same coat, different headband. Those flower shaped sequins are lovely.

The littlest Humphrey in swiped Valentino. Don’t cry, J, it didn’t suit you anyway.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Rufus only understands people wearing Henleys. This graphic tee makes for cute sleepwear, though.

I take my criticism of Blair back – with all that pink and purple, Jenny’s clearly the one trying to dress like Chuck. She rises from the ashes in this strapless purple number and a bedazzled pink headband. Sorry J, you still look like you’re trying too hard; didn’t B teach you that less is more when it comes to queenly cool?

Ladies, take a bow: the varying shades of Blair are all here, from Penelope’s white headband to Hazel’s pearl and gold necklace over a tie. The new Jenny Humphrey is sweet in three shades of pink while Penelope rocks primary colours, and Isabel is a hot mess without Kati. Her hallucinogenic yellow headband and striped yellow and white jacket fail to impress, as does that red vest vs. the red tights.

Hazel, I worship you today. Let’s have an extra shot of how preppy chic should be done, primarily because you rock and also because we have the same haircut. J’adore those striped sleeves emerging from a military style jacket.

You all blew off Blair to what, sit around and look like something the cat dragged in?

The absence of Vanessa seems to require Iz assuming her identity, along with enormous earrings and leopard print dress. New Jenny Humphrey is wearing a fluorescent paisley tent, so I’m ignoring her in a valiant act of self-preservation, as I will kill myself if I have to comment on that thing.

Penelope, stop trying to make plastic jewellery happen; it is never going to happen. I do like the way it matches the pattern on your dress, however.

Hazel looks like Betty Draper in ruched deep blue/purple, but closer inspection shows that this dress is billowy and makes her look six months pregnant. And to think I almost liked her...

Who am I kidding? Hazel, I love you again. Your brocade effect coat is stunning, as is that enormous bow you have perched on top of your head: A+.

Penelope, the hospital called. They want their neck brace back.

And Isabel...do I even have to say? I understand you’re trying to dress up your cast with some Hermes (and I approve), but beside that neo-cubist coat, it looks a little gauche. You do get points for your colour choices, however, and for keeping it simple with a wide cream headband.

At Blair’s birthday/sabotage soiree for Jenny, some serious faux pas are made: Hazel outfit repeats (that’s the same ruched dress from earlier) and Penelope appears to have kiddy jewellery slung around her neck (plus her Grecian dress fits badly), although new Jenny Humphrey is as pretty as Molly Ringwald in pink, and Isabel kind of makes the effort in mint green with a cowbell made of diamonds instead of a necklace.

The Blair Bitch Project - Part 2 of 3 - The Royal Family

One day, not too soon from now, Chuck, Serena and Eric will be siblings. Chuck celebrates by hiding in Serena’s bathroom like in Psycho. Three cheers for the return of the popped collar, but is he wearing fake tan? Snooki is this colour!

Serena is not amused, and has decided to wear a robe with stripes and sparkles and a snakeskin-y type pattern to stress that fact.

I swear those van der Boobsens weren’t there last episode. Is that what you’re so pleased about, Serena? Anyway, I’m getting a little bored of your habitual tie over long sleeved white tee – please buy a real shirt. Love the leather jacket, though even it cannot combat the power of S’s newfound bosom.

I’m going to assume Lily just had laser eye surgery, hence why she’s wearing sunglasses and a vest the colour of dung. I do like her pearl drop earrings.

I love Bart. He’s a manipulative, self-obsessed billionaire who absented himself from his son’s life, but damn – the man can wear a suit. He even showcases a checked blue shirt with a striped grey/blue/brown tie and grey pinstriped suit = mixing patterns = genetic Bass trait. He also looks vaguely murderous, which I suppose is the only thing that he and Chuck have in common.

Serena is gorgeous, but the cream embroidered dress she dons for menu testing is not. It’s clearly too small, straining across her torso, and while the dress is supposed to be delicate, that gold spiked cuff she’s wearing ruins the effect. Did Blair loan this dress to her? It looks far more her style.

Chuck, me and your suits could have a bad romance. Please start running, because otherwise I am going to hunt down your powder blue suit and wonderfully striped shirt and mint green patterned tie and build a shrine to them.

Eric accepts pinstripes, polka dots and pocket squares as a good future Bass should.

Oh my Rutherford.

I don’t know if it’s a dress or a top and skirt made out of the same bizarrely stiff and shiny material, but Lily appears to have dressed in a curtain, complete with jewelled bib. She looks atrocious (but you know what doesn’t? That baby picture of Ed Westwick on the piano!)

Chuck’s fur collared coat makes him look like he ought to be marauding somewhere in a great Russian novel, but Eric surprisingly tops him here: the muted brown of his stiffly collared coat blends nicely with the obligatory plaid scarf, and overall the effect with yellow and red beneath is so Burberry.

‘I am an evil dictator’, says Bart’s clothing, before banishing Chuck to the wastes of Siberia. ‘Fear my boring blue shirt, plain black wool overcoat and red striped tie. Fear my suddenly orange skintone!’

Outside the icy tundra of my Russian dream world, Serena seems to have gone back to wearing clothes that fit her – but wait, it’s just another leather jacket over another tie and long sleeved white tee, finished with a plaid skirt. At least her hair looks good.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: gold is Serena’s colour. Here she tops an ivory t-shirt (fine, if a bad fabric which shows off the line of her bra), with a cute pale gold jacket (better, but still leather). The red and gold snake necklace adds a much needed pop of colour and is utterly charming to boot.

Lily, I can breathe again. This black, white and subtly pink striped blouse is glorious on you.

Eric has a puzzling package (not like that!) and a somewhat less puzzling navy blue Henley and coat. One thousand seamstresses just screamed with frustration.

Although the word ‘brother’ to Chuck means ‘licensed innuendo giver’, he does stand by his new sis in a bind...even after she’s accused him of using Eric as a drug mule for that little baggie he’s holding. Why should Chuck care, however – he’s wearing pink and blue stripes, and those fish swimming down his cardigan are all kinds of awesome. Bass, perhaps?

The Blair Bitch Project - Part 3 of 3 - Traitors and Failures

A wise woman once said, ‘own the night like the Fourth of July’. While I thank all the cherubim and seraphim for Rufus’ haircut, he doesn’t even own the morning in this V-neck tee.

Dan’s hair is revolting here, and his shirt is at least two sizes too big (not to mention rumpled, and not even in a sensitive artist kind of way).

And surprise surprise, Nate is heinously boring in that same navy coat, that same uniform (at least it’s ironed) and that same Natefused expression, this time with a touch of girlie evil at Blair’s dairy drenching. Why, Nate? See how good you looked in Blair’s dream!

Yes, you looked that good – although those pants are so badly tailored that you could fit four legs inside them instead of two. I’ve always loved Nate in grey, it brings out the brilliant blue of his eyes; eat your heart out, George Peppard.

I was not impressed when I thought that heather grey V-neck was Rufus’ sleepwear. Now you’re telling me that throwing a flannel shirt over it constitutes daywear? I miss Harold Waldorf more than words can say right now, because there was a man who knew his argyle.

Is it wrong that I like a man in a nice Nehru collar?

Yes it is, because this is Rufus Humphrey. Of course there’s a Henley under that natty Nehru. Of course that completely invalidates the well tailored blazer (though I do object to the rolled sleeves simply on principle).

Nathaniel and Daniel, having a faceoff (and yes, I did put them in a picture together just so I’d have a chance to say that).

Nate is frankly boring in the old reliable blue coat and white V-neck t-shirt, but Dan seems to be actually trying here. I’ve always liked his olive military jacket, and though he wears it with neutral shades like grey, the layered effect is really not so bad.

Wait, is that a sweater vest? Have I accidentally recapped Glee?

Nope, it’s just a sweater. However, as we rarely see Dan in anything other than waistcoats and plaid – which he has, for once, mercifully foregone – he gets points for effort. This been a strange episode of give-and-take fashion-wise, both for him and Nehrufus.

To summarise: everyone was dressed poorly at least once, except Chuck who continued to be awesome. All three Humphreys tried (and failed) to up the ante, and Blair dressed like Holly Golightly the mugger. Bart scowled, Lily smarmed, and Eric lurked quietly in the background: not exactly a coup for the snappiest dressers on television, but a great opportunity for snark.