Victor/Victrola - Part 1 of 3 - The Stepford Family

Episode Synopsis: The gamechanger of all gamechangers! "Victrola" is a modern burlesque club that Chuck wants his father to invest in. Bart’s initial response is along the lines of "Yay my son is into something other than booze and women!" but what Bart doesn’t realize is what'll change Chuck the most isn’t the ownership of Victrola, but a certain girl who decides to moonlight at the club. (And what changes her is a certain limo ride).  Meanwhile, in the Archibalds’ UES prison, the Captain and Anne are trés concerned re: Nate’s drug use...oh, except the drugs are Dad’s. Oops. Nate is torn between wanting to help his family and do what he feels is right by Blair. Dan and Serena finally begin to get serious, emotionally and physically, though they find themselves almost constantly thwarted by Vanessa's interference.

There are a few ways to really jumpstart your morning. Wheaties, yogurt, a fruit smoothie . . .

The UES version? A family confrontation!

The Captain and Anne Archibald begin their morning by confronting Nate about the bag of drugs that Anne found. What Anne doesn’t know—and that Nate does—is that the drugs belong to the Captain. And what does a spoiled Upper East Side teenage boy wear to such a confrontation? An expensive, but undeniably careless and sloppy version of his school uniform.

Two options here:

1. This is an incredibly studied look, designed to make it look like Nate’s too cool to care about anything or anyone.

2. The crooked, loosened tie and the unbuttoned, flattened collar mean that Nate truly doesn’t care.

The truth is unfortunately not hard to guess.

Later that night, Nate goes with his family to attend a celebratory dinner in honor of Eleanor Waldorf’s deal with his father. Thankfully he manages to change into a suit that doesn’t look like it was on his floor for three days first.

It’s not bad by any means, but it kind of makes him look depressed. The colors look nice—I especially like the blue shirt with the dark navy tie, but the gray jacket makes him look slightly nauseous. Unlike Chuck, Nate gets halfway to a good look, but can’t seem to manage to get all the way there. I think we can chalk that up to the aforementioned teenage angsty apathy.

Maybe this is a family trait, because the Captain seems to have a similar issue with color matching.

I know this is a very traditional look, but I hate the contrasting collar and the navy jacket with the burgundy and gold-striped tie. It might be typical Head-of-Rich-and-Powerful-Family-with-Secret-Drug-Abuse-Issues, but it’s still ugly.

Earlier, he does much better with this daytime ensemble—so much better that I wish he’d just kept this same lovely gray suit on, but he’s from New York, which means he’s contractually obligated to change clothes at least twice a day.

The light textured weave of the gray combined with the dark navy and gold tie is really nice. I’m glad he resisted the urge to pair it with a colored shirt. The white here works perfectly. This is by far the best we’ve seen the Captain look.

Anne, too, seems to have gotten the memo that when your family is going through a serious drug scandal, it’s always important to look your very best.

The color of this matching shell and cardigan isn’t the greatest—I have never understood why anyone would choose to wear beige, which is possibly the dingiest, most drab color ever—but the pattern is nice and the cut is flattering.

Like the Captain, eveningwear still seems to evade our Upper East Side Stepford Wife.

There isn’t a single thing about this that I like. Or that makes Anne look good. The black thing (blouse) she’s wearing is unflattering and bulky, plus it kind of looks like it’s got some kind of nautical scarf made of open-work lace. Blech. The top alone would be an auf but paired with that wrinkled beige linen skirt, it’s just a big hell no. That’s what you wear to a party? A celebration? It’s so drab and dreary and downright depressing that it’s hard to even look at her. You have to admire Anne, though, because even when she looks like that from the neck down and her family is falling apart, she keeps her appointment at Elizabeth Arden for her blowout. As a result, her hair looks wonderful—smooth and glossy. Priorities, children, priorities.

Poor Eleanor, she hasn’t gotten the memo that there are other colors in the wheel besides cream and black. Her daytime attire:

It’s even more unfortunate than that garment she’s carrying around (which we will get to in much more detail in a minute). The necklace is nice, and works well with the blouse—which isn’t even so bad. The blush cream works beautifully with her skin tone and there aren’t any excessive ruffles.

What I don’t like about it is that it’s nearly exactly repeated that evening, at the party, except that she decided to sew a Elizabethan ruff onto it so that it would be extra festive.

Eleanor is a lot like her daughter—she often means well when it comes to her wardrobe, but occasionally things just go terrifyingly awry. This is one of those times.

Victor/Victrola - Part 2 of 3 - The Dysfunctionality Express

The Dan/Serena storyline this episode is where I began to truly believe that authenticity wasn’t in the cards for this show because Dan spends almost the entire episode confessing to everyone he knows—including his father—that he doesn’t know how to stop the Serena train from chugging into his station. Basically she’s wide open for business and Dan, being a leetle less experienced than his blond bombshell girlfriend, is hesitant.

And considering the above scene, who can really blame him? Serena Van der Woodsen isn’t used to hearing the word ”no” in her vicinity. Who can blame her though? Dan is actually looking downright dapper in his LL Bean khakis and olive green military jacket.

But then Dan changes after school, and you have to wonder why Serena is still trying to shag him senseless. Even for Dan, this is a truly uninspired, but very typical teenage boy outfit. Still, being a writer, I thought had more creative molecules in his system than to revert to the old standby of jeans, a t-shirt and a plaid button up thrown on top. I’m not even going to waste time describing this because it really looks like he stuck his hand in the laundry hamper in the dark and put on the first three pieces of clothing he touched.

This looks like he’s trying hard to get laid. Why? Because he looks like a 70s porn star. All he’s missing is the ‘stache. The pattern and color of that shirt is truly awful. He’d be better off with the laundry plan he was using earlier. Even worse? He was wearing a cardigan with this monstrosity.

Suddenly that Dan resembles Mr. Rogers helps enlighten the fact that Serena can’t wait to tear his clothes off, given what we know now of her desire for authority figures.

One of my favorite parts of Season 1 and Season 2 are the awesome school “uniforms” that Eric Daman devised for the female characters—especially Serena and Blair. Teenage Serena had a very bohemian style, and it reflects in the changes she makes to her uniform.

Love the short plaid skirt, the oversized gray cardigan and the loose tie (even looser than Nate’s!) worn with the light blue knee-high socks. Not a fan of the gray booties she is wearing, which you can see even better in the picture where she’s devouring Dan’s face, but overall a very cute look. Plus it looks like she brushed her hair today, which is always a step in the right direction. Bohemian, however, occasionally veers into downright skanky. Like below.

You know it’s an unfortunate angle/wardrobe combo when even Serena can’t pull it off. And is that a black bra that Miss Van der Woodsen is wearing under her translucent white blouse? Blair AND Lily would be appalled.

From a different angle, this outfit is actually pretty cute, and appropriate attire for a teenage girl to wear to her boyfriend’s house (or Brooklyn loft). It’s dressy without being over the top. I especially like the subtly shiny stripes and the little pouffy sleeves. It’s always impressive when Eric Daman puts the girls into something I might have actually worn while I was in high school.

Later that night, when Serena finally gets her way and Dan succumbs to her passive aggressive pushiness, she wears the one thing that always makes her feel empowered: sequins. Blair might have her headbands, Chuck his purple ties and coordinated pocket squares, and Nate his perpetual spacy (stoned) look, but Serena has her Sequins of Power.

You can’t really see the sequins here—it’s kind of a loose vest—but I did like her necklace. Understated isn’t something S often goes for, so it’s nice to see here. Plus, her hair looks amazing.

The full vest. It’s such a Serena-esque thing to wear under the circumstances. When you’re dressed in 5 pounds of sequins, it makes it look like you’re wearing more than you actually are.

Kati and Iz are making it their full-time occupation to be both videographers and filming consultants for Dan and Serena’s budding career—er. . .their relationship.

Wonderful textured wool coats and those adorable berets with contrasting trim. They look just the part of schoolgirl porn producers. Not only are they in charge of filming, they also give their advice on Dan’s performance.

My opinion is that Kati is giving a score not on Dan’s skills but on the outfits she and Iz are wearing. They’re unfortunate at best—a true Vanessa Abrams overload on accessories. Belts and bracelets and huge gold heart-shaped earrings, those truly ugly visors. No Upper East Sider should ever wear a visor. That’s a new rule. Blair will have to hold a disciplinary hearing on these two.

Vanessa is only one of the people that Dan confides in about Serena’s insistence that they consummate their relationship. Dan should have taken note of what Vanessa was wearing and realized she could have no worthwhile opinion on the subject, but considering his own attire, we can safely assume his sartorial knowledge is extremely limited.

It seems as if Vanessa has stolen a knitted afgan from a nursing home and fashioned a sweater-like item from it. I say a sweater-like item because I’m hesitant to actually define this as a sweater. It’s too ugly. And of course, you’re never fully dressed without a smile—or in Vanessa’s case, multiple strands of beads and gold hoop earrings that belong on a girl working Broadway. The full outfit doesn’t get any better, unfortunately.

That’s because we discover that the sweater-like item is actually a tunic. Which means that instead of the afgan being abbreviated, there’s actually more of it. Vanessa also appears to have stolen one of Dan’s shirts and fashioned it into a purse.

Even creepier than asking his oldest friend for advice on having sex with his girlfriend, Dan turns to his father, Rufus.

Who’s still reusing his wardrobe from his Lincoln Hawk days. Though I guess I can’t complain because he at least discovered a color that isn’t brown. Olive green isn’t the nicest of colors, especially in this quantity, but at least he made an attempt.

Victor/Victrola - Part 3 of 3 - The Gamechanger

Further evidence that just because you’re new money doesn’t mean you can’t have extraordinary style.

Bart Bass dons a daytime look similar to what the Captain was sporting—except that he does it so much better. The tie is unusual light green that contrasts beautifully with his gorgeous dark gray pinstripe suit.

I’m apparently not the only one who’s noticed.

Oh la la! Looks like Lily’s decided to hook herself a Bass. He looks enchanted by her, and who can blame him? She is so chic! Her elegant chignon is flawless, and so is her sleek black blouse and skirt. Well done Lily!

Lily truly hits it out of the park this episode. Even her “casual “ clothes are perfect.

I lust after that trench. It’s got a fairly casual vibe to it, but it’s still fitted and fabulous. The persimmon watch adds just the right splash of color to her dark jeans and gray shirt.

Another view, because yet again, Lily wins my award for best dressed of the episode.

You can totally tell where Serena gets her style from—the old girl’s still got it and she’s working it.

Unfortunately, she’s got a (theoretical) rival for the Great Bass’ attentions.

I have no idea what her name is, but this is the associate Chuck sees his father with, after he’s already found out about Bart’s new relationship with Lily. This is one of those outfits that looks great if you take each piece individually. The great splash of color with the bag, the shoes, the big watch. However, that tube dress over the white button-up is up-for-anything-party-girl meets staid-businesswoman. And just like her union with Bart, it’s a big fat load of fail.

Bart is understandably upset with his son for divulging to Lily all the details of his secret rendezvous with Asian Chicky. However, all that manipulation fades into the background when confronted by all this glorious purple.

If Lily wins best dressed for the female side, then Chuck runs away with the crown for the men of Gossip Girl. That purple shirt, paired with complementary pocket square and gray tie, is glorious. Plus his hair, which can sometimes be as out-of-control as the Bass heir’s behavior, looks suitably styled and trimmed. All in all, a very very lovely ensemble. A certain girl’s response to Chuck becomes more obvious the further we delve into his sartorial splendor.

Later that night, to celebrate Victrola’s opening, Chuck throws a no-holds barred party at the club. What does a young tycoon wear to such an event?

A bowtie, naturally, patterned with pink paisley. Why does he look like he’s been struck by fake Louis Vuitton? It’s not who’s behind him, that’s for sure. And don’t you worry, the truth of his shocked expression is coming up very soon.

Jenny decides this episode that after winning a few rounds with the Queen B that she’s ready to win the war. Let’s see her Constance-Billard strut as she prepares to take over the school.

The strut is a lot better than what she’s chosen to wear to school. She’s totally trying to pull off a combination of the schoolgirl looks Serena and Blair rock on a regular basis. There are Serena’s over-the-knee socks, except in a dark crimson red. Her skirt isn’t quite as short as Serena’s was, but it’s a similar color and cut. And since we know that Constance clearly doesn’t have regulations regarding uniforms, this has to be a conscious choice.

As for the rest, it’s nearly an exact replica of what Blair might put on in the morning. The prim white blouse, the blue tie, the plaid coat, and even her baby pink quilted bag are all very Blair. The problem, however, with taking cues from two girls with two very different styles, is that Jenny looks like a walking multiple personality disorder.

Too much plaid that doesn’t match, too many patterns, too many styles. But her hair looks lovely (and very Blair-like). You just have to wonder why she’s not wearing a headband.

Jenny looks her best when she can combine the hard-edged rock roots from her Brooklyn background with the luxe details that she sees on an everyday basis in the Upper East Side—like she does here when she goes to see Blair and lets slip an important secret that (and I am absolutely not being over-dramatic) truly changes the entire direction of the series. We already know what the secret is—that Nate tried to kiss Jenny at the Masquerade Ball, thinking she was Serena—but Blair doesn't want to face the fact that Nate still isn’t over her blond best friend.

Jenny’s black jeans combined with that preppy cream and lilac polka-dotted swing coat is a brilliant choice. She even manages to work a pearl (fake, of course) bracelet in with studded silver one. I also like how she’s carrying the same pink bag from earlier. A girl like Jenny wouldn’t have an endless supply of fashionable purses to carry. She’d have to re-use on a frequent basis. Those little details help base the costumes in reality.

Blair struggles this episode between who she is, and what she’s expected to be, and we see it reflected in her costumes. When she’s telling how midtown Chuck’s plan for Victrola is, Blair’s wearing the headband of all headbands—a red bowed affair that is possibly one of the most classic, recognizable looks of the entire series.

Here’s what Jenny was trying to achieve with her mixed plaid disaster—a combination of patterns that gel together without clashing. Blair’s blue blazer crisply edged with yellow striped fabric is glorious and matches her white striped shirt without looking too matchy-matchy.

The white patterned tights and black quilted handbag complete the ensemble and make her schoolgirl fashion undeniably chic. This outfit manages to combine all of what Blair is and all of what Blair’s expectations are flawlessly.

When she meets Jenny later, this delicate balance is still in effect.

J’adore this flippy navy polka-dotted skirt and airy white cardigan.

It’s subtly sequined, making it look expensive and dressy. In fact the ensemble would seem so much more formal than it actually is, but then you look down and realize Blair’s wearing slippers.

After Blair finds out the secret that Jenny’s been hiding, you see a massive change in her appearance for the Waldorf-Archibald celebratory dinner. Not only are the parents celebrating the business deal, but another far more personal merger that they’re hoping for—Blair and Nate’s future engagement. This dress is what Eleanor decides Blair needs to wear to the dinner:

The first time you see it, you’re blown away by how truly hideous is it. What are we, in the 1800s when women had to be covered from chin to ankle? Plus it’s an ugly color.

It’s testimony to how beautiful Blair is and how well she wears clothes (despite what everyone else on the show seems to think) that it looks so much better on her than it does on the hanger.

The strings of pearls and the Louboutin peeptoe pumps help salvage this from the Pilgrims.

Still, despite Blair’s ability to raise the dress from hideous to manageable, it’s still ugly. The fabric—that ugly polyester lace fabric with the dinky ruffles around the neck and sleeves—really drags it down once and for all. Even the headband isn’t worthy of Blair—but then it doesn’t stay on for very long.

Luckily for us, and for a certain Mr. Bass, Blair finally sheds not only her hesitation in confronting and ultimately breaking up with Nate, but she also meets Chuck at Victrola and decides to shed her inhibitions too.

First the headband goes. . .

. . .and then the dress.

Revealing the most incredible oyster silk embellished negligee that suddenly makes the long strings of pearls and black peeptoes incredibly sexy.

Just as Blair peels away her physical layers, we're seeing her peel back her emotional ones too, and what lays beneath is who she really is.

And only because we get the best view of this incredible undergarment (uh huh), here’s a final image to enjoy.