Gossip Girl: Gone Maybe Gone

Our six seasons with Gossip Girl start and end with Serena on a train, except this time she's allegedly missing. Flash forward to the end of a summer of bad decisions - Chuck and Blair have created some kind of secret engagement pact they'll fulfill after they carry out their destiny as industry leaders. Dan, his hair (less like a small, angry animal this season, but still equally animated), and Georgina are in Tuscany writing his latest tell-all book, while Nate is being an investigative journalist at his investigative newspaper. The Scooby Gang reunites on a road trip to Poughkeepsie to save S. Again. Although, S doesn't need saving. Or enemies. Her friends are enough for that. Then again, she doesn't help herself out by pretending to be Sabrina from Wisconsin who went to Vassar. Because honestly? No one was going to buy that.

As for the parents who raised these misfits, Totally Not Dead Bart is back to being attached to Lily Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey Bass and is up to something no good that I can't be bothered to care about, Lily calmly sips "tea" as her daughter remains MIA, and Rufus has been bunking down in Brooklyn with Chivy who has plans to use him as her pawn. Rufus, out of cowl necks and back into plaid, is playing right into her hands. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

Party du Jour
An upstate gay wedding where it turns out S is not the bride, just tacky enough to wear white as the maid of honor. It's okay, her friends are there to not only crash the party, but also to ruin the wedding. 

Best Quotes
"Serena recouping in rehab is much less interesting than full-on slut spiral." - G

"How did I think it was okay to go all summer without talking to my daughter?" - Lily (who is clearly hoping she'll finally win Mother of the Year).

Best Outfit
Lily's dove grey lace - it's like a Grace Kellyish dream from the UES to condescend on Brooklyn. 

Worst Outfit
While Dan's t-shirt looked like it was a white t-shirt that has been mixed with the darks one too many times, the worst is going to Blair for being so uninspired and untailored in a polka dot wrap blouse. Girlfriend, why are you letting yourself go? 

Amanda will be here on Thursday to bring us the full snark on the opening of our final season of GG. I feel the end of an era coming on. 

The Return of the Ring - Part 1 of 2 - Plotted

Everyone is making bad life choices this episode. After not apologizing to Blair about stealing her diary (her excuse: "I didn't think Gossip Girl would get access to the diary pages I uploaded to her website!"), Serena decides to hook up with Dan at the Shepherd's divorce party and record it, because that's what you do when you're a sane person and a good friend. The episode ends with Serena friendless: Blair has kicked her out and Dan never wants to see her again, so Serena turns to her old friends cocaine and anonymous hookups. Lily annuls her marriage to Rufus, despite my hoping that she'd divorce both and take over the title of badass matriarch that Cece has left vacant. And finally, Blair's up to her own bad decisions by choosing Chuck over Dan, culminating in her following him to Monte Carlo (!?!) and going literally "all-in" at a blackjack table.

Let's start this recap off Rhodes-style, shall we?

There. That's better.

From the minute she walked on screen, I knew Blair was going back to Chuck.

Actually, I take that back: when I saw her, my first thoughts were that her coat was super cute, and her legs looked ridiculously long in that miniskirt. Then I got distracted by the hideous flower pin on her collar, because it took me a while to realize she was not wearing a bolero.

More Brian Atwood...

Then I saw her hair and makeup and thought, "Dammit, she's leaving Dan for Chuck."

Blair's hair is back to being dull and greasy. Her makeup is overdone and washes her out. No good comes of this.

Worse, look at this hairstyle:

It's side-braided along the bottom to push all the hair over her shoulder, and the side-braid is this tiny, weak fishtail thing and WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR BLAIR BEAR AND HER BEAUTIFUL BLAIR HAIR? I'm sorry, you guys, I can't do this anymore. Remember when this was her hair?

Now I'm just grateful when her hair is up so I don't have to be reminded of what could have been.

Blair's dress is cute, but something about it just doesn't pop for me. Maybe it's the necklace? Or possibly the lack of color? I don't know, but I would expect more out of Blair.

Particularly in a scene when her mom is handing over the reigns of Waldorf Designs (!!!), you'd think they'd style Blair to the nines.

Now that she's a businesswoman, Blair needs to invest in a good tailor for this jacket. It has potential, but it needs to be taken in all over.

Blair, Penelope's metallic coat puts yours to shame. That alone should be reason to either run to a tailor ASAP or burn this jacket.

I wish we had seen a full shot of this dress. It had so much potential.

I love the colors and the button detailing. So perfect for a summer vacation and business trip in Paris.

And finally, Blair decides to jet off to some European seaside resort town with gambling ... somewhere like Monte Carlo, but it couldn't possibly be Monte Carlo, right?

Because Monte Carlo is in Monaco, and there's no way that Blair would dare go anywhere near Monaco, right?

 ... right?

Unfortunately, the episode doesn't end with Blair and Chuck being arrested by the royal guards. Instead, she bets big on Chuck, abandoning all semblance of character development and reminding us all that nothing from this season actually matters, because Blair is in Monaco with no mention of her ex-husband, and she might as well still be using herself to barter for hotels.

Basically, this is the face I was making throughout the last scene of the episode:

For the record, that is my "Really, Gossip Girl?" face.

Serena spends the episode running around trying to blow up everything in her path. There were several times when I was worried we'd end up seeing Serena's macaron in this skirt. Case in point: this screencap.

I do love the yellow shoes, but seriously, Serena, you need to stop shopping at Streetwalker Kids and start buying your clothes from a grownup store. That's the only explanation I have for why her hemline is that short.

What's black, yellow, and crazy as beehive?

This girl.

Serena's blue dress of shame doesn't warrant mention here, because I am too mad at her for going all Shepherd Wedding on yet another of Blair's boyfriends. Instead, we'll just skip ahead to the part where Dan tells her he never wants to see her again.

This is one of the rare times that I actually really like a Serena outfit, even though it so totally Serena-ish.

Too bad it's going to get pawed at by a drug dealer for the next few hours.

Look, Serena, I might be mad at you and sick of your crazy, but even I think you're better than this. Get off the train, hop on a plane to Sedona, and spend the next few weeks doing yoga in the desert. Way better for your skin than being drooled on by a dude in a leather and denim jacket.

Minions, assemble!

Love the bright colors, love the purses, hate the clothes.

You may go now ... unless you have something better to offer, like some truly stellar outerwear.

Well-played, Penelope. Well-played.

Let's check in and see if Lily's sobered up yet after her morning tea.

Are those pleat-front pants? Nope. Still drunk.

 By the time Lily sobers up, she's dressed in her finest Dynasty-wear.

Only Lily Rhodes could pull this off. If Rufus were anywhere near her in this dress, it would instantly look ridiculous.

To hand over the annulment papers to Rufus, Lily opts for what I've dubbed her Freedom Dress. Unfortunately, she throws on a few too many strands of Liberty Beads.

I don't love the dress, but I do like that this is what Lily wears to serve her soon-to-be-ex husband with papers. Lily Rhodes, never change. And if you do change, please keep going on your descent into darkness. You do ice-cold bitch like only Cece's daughter can.

The Return of the Ring - Part 2 of 2 - Plotless

Let's check in with the Humphrey men, shall we? By the end of the episode, both have been abandoned for Bass men. I wonder what could have caused their once-devoted mates to desert them?

Maybe Blair and Lily got sick of trying to explain that oatmeal is for breakfast, not fashion.

For the record, this is as exciting as Dan's wardrobe gets this episode. Rufus at least makes an effort by throwing on a beige topcoat to accent his already-thrilling sweater.

There's that indignant Humphrey glare we all know and tolerate.

Rufus, pro-tip here: when you're going up against a Bass, tight Dad jeans and poorly-tailored jackets just aren't going to cut it. After all ...

This debonair bastard is your competition.

By the middle of the episode, Rufus gets the message and steps up his sartorial game.

I am assuming that Rufus's inner monologue went something like this: "Bart Bass has money; all I have is a closet full of shawl-collars and the rights to half the Lincoln Hawk songbook. How to compete?... I know, I'll dress up like I'm rich. Rich people wear tuxedos, right? And if Bart asks why I'm wearing a tuxedo, then I can say 'It's after 6:00, what am I, a farmer?' and he'll look all embarrassed because he won't be wearing a tuxedo, and then Lily will pick me for sure."

Shockingly, his tuxedo does not win over Lily, because again, Bart Bass is his competition.

Rufus finally accepts defeat in what we assume is his last shawl collar of affluence.

He's really making this one count. The contrasting collar really pops against the grey sweater. And, because he's back to living the frugal life of a faded 90s rocker, Rufus has to get more bang for his buck by wearing not one, but two collars - note the red button-down under the sweater.

 Again, for contrast, this is Rufus's competition:

Bart's tie alone decimates Rufus's entire wardrobe.

Speaking of wardrobes that should be decimated, here's Lola in a crocheted hippie top of some sort:

You're a Van der Woodsen Rhodes, Lola. It's time to stop dressing like you've been shopping in Vanessa Abrams's reject pile.

And enough with the jeggings already. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but they make your calves look fat.

And when I say this, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I'm sure you don't have fat calves, but jeggings are not the best way to be displaying them.

We never get a good shot of this python print jacket ... dress ... thing, but that's probably for the best.

Since we know Lola's not Gossip Girl, can we be done with her now? Her clothes are bad, she's not flat-out insane, and she's not wreaking havoc on anyone. Bored now.

As long as I'm making a list of demands...can someone please fix Nate's hair already?

I don't think it's asking too much that the eye candy serve its purpose. I've been enjoying his businessman chic aesthetic this season, but the hair's still lacking. I demand either impeccably dressed and groomed Nate, or shirtless Nate, in which case, who cares what his hair looks like? It's one or the other, as far as I'm concerned.

I include this shot of Carol because I have one question:

Since when does jail let you dress like you're at a spa retreat? Jail = orange jumpsuits, not purple pullovers.

OH! Speaking of purple, I love that as soon as Bart reappeared, Chuck broke out the purple again.

It doesn't matter if you've been running a multi-million dollar company for two years ... once a parent is on the scene, even Chuck Bass is reduced to passive-aggressive wardrobe choices.

Going casual in anticipation of his trip to Monte Carlo, Chuck opts for an ascot rather than a tie.

Still purple, of course. I'd so much rather see Chuck in an ascot every day, lounging around and causing trouble in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. If only he'd become the next Gossip Girl.

Speak of the devil, here she is on a surveillance video. I wonder if we'll get any hints as to who she really is?

Actually, something about all this is very familiar. Mysterious messages from an annonymous source? Who terrorizes her victims? And wears black gloves?...

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. GOSSIP GIRL IS A.

Mini-Recap: Return of the Ring

Season finale! Once again, Serena's best intentions prove to be the worst thing for everyone. And her worst intentions really are the worst. Dan gives Blair an ultimatum, and Serena manipulates him into recreating the sex she had on a bar with Nate. And Serena wonders why B kicked her out after the diary incident and Lonely Boy doesn't return the feelings when he learns he's been used. Lily is drinking vodka out of teacup and considers taking up with TOTALLY NOT DEAD Bart Bass after Rufus makes an ass of himself. Bart is still a fantastic father figure as he ousts Chuck from the family business. Lola heads off for a life as the understudy to an OompaLoompa and gives ChIvy the money her money to take Lily down. Diana may have a lead on Gossip Girl for Nate, Dan's making a book deal with the devil, Blair's betting on Baby Bass and being a business lady, and Serena's on a train to nowhere. What will the sixth and final season bring us?

Party du Jour
Sheppard's divorce party. Their wedding kicked things off back in the day. Looks like it's going to be the kick off to our final season.

Best Quote
"I should have known that marriage wouldn't last after my best friend banged my boyfriend at the wedding." - B

"I can't believe how much more grown up you seem than I was at your age. But I guess that's the divorce. And all the other mistakes you've made along the way." - Eleanor

Best Outfit
While purse choice and Wilma Flinstone necklace were questionable, I did love Blair's dress for the divorce party.

Worst Outfit
Serena! What? First the macaron revealing skirt and then follow it up with a black and yellow trench? Over a blue dress? You are just full of bad decisions this week.

Amanda will be here on Thursday to bring the snarky finale of our GG season with a full recap.

The Fugitives - Part 1 of 2 - How to save a Bart

Things this episode was big on? Hair (Dan), schemes, misunderstandings and soapiness. All the things we love about GG (well, minus Dan's hair). Totally Not Dead Bart was hit by a car, but he was in hiding from an evil blackmailer. Even though his TOTALLY NOT DEAD father was a total d-bag his entire life, Chuck is determined to save his life (anyone else looking forward to the reunion with Lily?) and recruits Blair to help. Blair's solution? Entrap the evil blackmailer with Lola and Chivy pretending to be twin prostitutes. Meanwhile, Nate almost blows the whole scheme because his knickers are in a twist about Diana/India and her lies. He really needs to learn to trust Chuck and his plans. Dan wants Blair to go to Rome with him, but still has some serious trust issues to work through. And Serena, bless her heart, is Blair's best friend and worst enemy: she helps secure Dan's spot in Rome by pretending to be B, but is going to cause some heartbreak because she's leaked B's diary to GG.

In an ominous looking country manor, all is revealed to us about the mysterious not actually a death of Bart Bass.

If you were going to have a prostitute party and then reveal Secrets to you son, this really is the place to do it. A hotel room wouldn't do at all. Mostly because not enough hotels, especially not the ones you own, have majestic looking wood pannelling and a good tea service.

Of course, for the revealing of Secrets, it's best to dress in smart, somber business attire - like Bart's conservative grey suit. Nothing too flashy for the first time you chill out with you son since you totally didn't die (I know. This newly alive Bart is still a miracle to me).

When learning the goods on how your dad faked his death, It's best to go with a pinstriped three piece suit. Don't get too flashy with your colours either.

You know, stick to your signature purple for shirt, tie and pocket square. Let the patterns do the talking for you.

Mostly because you'll probably spend most of your day dumbfounded that your dad is totally not dead.

For the fellows who are double crossing you/just messing things up because that's what they do best, colour coordinating your shirt and tie is the way to roll. However, here's some how-tos:

Don't make like the PI and match your tie to your shirt. At least not that close in colour.

Instead, make like Nate and get into the some colour family, but without geting all matchy.

Nate may have smoked too much for his developing mind, but he does eventually get what's going to happen and works with the plot.

For those ladies in the know, saving Bart isn't about being conservative: it's about colour and lots of it.

The bright green sheath is fantastic on our Bart-saving Madame. And the detailing is a nice touch. A bit of a departure from her usual just skin tight dress.

A yellow coat is also the way to go, especially when you pair it with a bright, autumnal print dress and some giant pearls. It says, "I'm schemey AND fun!". It'll look trop classy as you show some girls how to entrap a man with nothing but your feminine wiles.

More Peter Som...

Well, that and some slinky negligees.

And a pair of handcuffs.

Oh that B Waldorf! She really is all class.

For the ladies who play the part of prostitutes in schemes? Well, that calls for a completely different kind of outfit.

Not the best ever, but I do love those boots. For a poor girl from Florida, Lola must be learning to work with her newly acquired trust fund. Now if only she'd use it to buy more than jeans and a dozen or so new jackets and coats like her half-sister Serena. 

The pinch hitter for the role of fake twin doesn't much look like Lola, but she's looking pretty good with the white leather and sparkles. Looking like a million bucks that you don't have any more.

When trying to convince a man he's with twins and you don't really look like your fake twin at all, it's important to dress the same. That's how he knows you're twins.

And if you wear the same dress in different colours? Well, he'll think you really are identical and that he needs different dresses to tell you apart. Genius plan! What could possibly go wrong? Other than almost everything since the PI is a double agent.

Interestingly enough, for an episode where no one bothered to do much in the way of outfit changes, I really have to hand it to Chuck and Totally Not Dead Bart: they swapped up their suits just in time for eposing the PI to the police (who happen to be hiding in the next room).

For Bart, the outfit change must be the sensible suit. Nothing too flashy. Probably because he still has to hide from the evil blackmailer.

For Chuck, a job well done means a brighter shade of pocket square.

I love his constant use of the pocket square. I hope it's making the whole pocket square a think among young men these days. His dad must be so proud of his sense of style as well as his ability to jail break him from a restaurant. Proud enough to go for the super awkward hug.

But through it all, I must say I do miss Young, Flamboyant Chuck.

His patterns always put folks to shame. As did his wild antics. I know Totally Not Dead Bart frowned upon Li'l Chuck's antics, but Chuck was so much more fun back then.