Gossip Girl: The Revengers

Part 2 of 2: Bart, Bart, He's our Man

If I ever see Georgina in a clothing that's a color other than some variation on black/white, I will die of shock. Luckily, this sequined B&W leopard print jacket (that's a lot of adjectives for one piece of clothing) keeps my heart ticking.

And that steely glare is the best accessory of all. I would squeal with glee if Georgie got her own spinoff. As she said, there's a niche market for schemers for hire. I personally would love to watch Georgina's flourishing startup.

Perhaps Blair could be her logistics gal. Who else can source blueprints (tastefully framed, no less) on such short notice?

While I'm digging the color and pattern on her dress, The blocky hem and thick belt cut her into too many sections. Snaps for the detailed sleeves, even if I'm not generally a fan of the cap sleeve. They're hard to pull off, amirite?

Blair and Her Bitches en masse. Except, one of these things is not like the other.

We're talking about you, Ivy. Did you not get the memo to accessorize? Do you not know what show you're on?

At the hop Bart's "Man of the Year" gala, Serena sports yet another overcoat, although I'm not in love with this one. Olive does nothing for her complexion and the detailing is too militaristic.

Oh, but wait. That whole thing about Byzantine warfare. Ah, well played wardrobe crew. Well played.

Beneath the blah is this stunner of a dress. Why why did Serena start dressing tastefully so close to the end? I mean, this is simply lovely! And it makes two (TWO!) nominations from Serena for best outfit. Ten points for glamour without the skeeze.

More Rebecca Taylor...

Huh, but she still can't part with the messy ponytail. Three points deducted.

Apparently, Georgie knows that Bart Bass will stoop to anything, and that includes firearms. In the event of gun shots, her necklace (do you even call it that when it's so huge?) will do nicely as body armor.

I'm a fan of rep stripe ties, but Bart just looks so casual here. Receiving a big award (especially when you've been dead most of the year) and having a party thrown in your honor feels like a tuxedo-appropriate occasion.

And oh my Kinkos that was a huge poster. Where does one get something like this? I'll bet Blair knows.

Sage realizes this is an occasion to do it up, although I totally agree with GG Editor Lesley-Anne. Girlfriend took a left turn at Sequinville and landed smack in Old Lady Village. Sweetie, save this tunic for when you're in your sixties. It'll wear much better then.

So anyways, Bart and Chuck had a fight on the roof, and then Bart died. I just have to wonder - is the finale going to be EIGHT HOURS LONG? Because holy loose ends, you guys.

BTW, do you want to hear my theory on how the show will end? Remember that scene in the pilot where Nate and Chuck snub Dan on the bus? This entire thing has been a revenge fantasy courtesy of Dan Humphrey's lightening-fast imagination. The final scene will be of him, back in the St Jude's uni and buzz cut, stepping off the bus.

I mean, it's no stupider than anything else they've thrown at us, right?

Gossip Girl: The Revengers

Remember when this was a show about wealthy teenagers behaving badly? That's okay, neither do the writers. The gang tries to take Bart down using Byzantine warfare as an inspiration. It turns out you should never get involved in a land war in Asia or use Byzantine warfare against Bart, because he's already on it. He has Nate arrested for fraud, pretend-kidnaps Blair, and the only way to keep them safe is for Chuck to move to Moscow. Of course! Chuck's plane then goes down, yet Bart shows no remorse or concern. So he's gone from generally ruthless to pointlessly evil? Fear not Chuck fans, like any good Bass, the reports of his death are wildly exaggerated and he returns in time to accuse his father of attempted murder. Dan is actually in love with Serena and always has been (at least for this week), but S is running away to LA. His grand move? Convincing Bart he'll say nice things, but then doing the exact opposite! And then sneak the "nice" Serena chapter into her bag. Such a romantic. Sage knows how to comfort Nate through all this - by suggesting he uncover the secret identity of the mysterious community manager who has haunted him since junior high. And in a final confrontation between pere and fils, Bart slips off a skyscraper roof, with Blair and Chuck watching. Talk about a cliffhanger! 

Party du Jour
A gala to honour Bart Bass as "New York Real Estate's 2012 Man of the Year". Wasn't he dead for most of 2012? 

Best Quotes
A convoluted episode, but so, so many amazing one-liners:

"Now I won't be able to step into the guest bath without thinking about your Geor-gina." Dan being all smart with the word play. 

"Moscow? As in Russia?" Chuck. What? How did you ever run a business? 

"Phone stealing? Seriously? That's the training bra of treachery." Georgina. She would know. 

Best Outfit
While her gala coat was kind of frumpy, Serena was downright tasteful. Everything was covered in gorgeous black lace. And then she goes full Lily in the upper half of her travel outfit.  But a shout out to Georgina for being able to wear a necklace that large and not get a neck ache. 

Worst Outfit
Sage dresses like a 70 year old nana headed to a Palm Beach New Year's party. And Blair was just a mess of patterns and textures in her gala outfit.

It's the penultamite recap of our namesake show, and on Thursday Editor-in-Chief Jen will weigh in one last time on the show that inspired her. 

Gossip Girl: It's Really Complicated

Part 1 of 2 - The Failures

It's turkey time again, which on the UES is synonymous with eating disorders, alcoholism, backstabbing, delusion, and of course, an extra helping of drama. Serena and Dan host their first ever co-dinner, which is either a great idea or a terrible one, depending on the RSVP list. Naturally, S invites her ex, Steven, in a moment of ill-conceived sympathy while grocery shopping, and Steven proves he's totally lame by acting like a mooning high schooler. Meanwhile Dan invites his ex, Blair, who drags along a semi-comotose, mostly-despondent Chuck, who's retreated to the comforts of booze and strippers. At least this time, it's Blair moonlighting as a Pocahontas stripper. Oh wait, that was horrible. Moving on. Sage has concocted some half-baked scheme with Blair to win Nate back, Blair's still scheming to help bring down Bart, and Chuck decides they don't need real evidence, just enough evidence to convince Lily, because her hatred will totally ruin his dad's life. Right. The most important question, though, is whether Dan is still Sweet Lonely Boy or if he's become Bad Boy in Disguise. The less nice "Serena" chapter for Vanity Fair gets published during dinner, which ruins Thanksgiving for everyone and sends him packing to Brooklyn.

As I watched the episode last night, I realized that out of the six Thanksgiving episodes that Gossip Girl has aired, I've written four recaps for YKYLF. I think that must be some kind of record, and as the newly instituted Expert of GG Thanksgiving, it's time to check in and judge their fall fashions. Let's start with the failures because let's face it, those are a hell of a lot more fun.



Rufus, you haven't changed. Or rather, you changed, then you changed back to the exact same aging rocker stick in the mud you were before Lily made you a House Husband. You think she would ever let him wear this god awful black western shirt with snaps and red embroidered roses? Even better, this is one of Rufus' old shirts.  Yes, there is photographic evidence. He wore it back in season one, episode seventeen, "Women on the Verge." Go ahead, check it out. I'll wait.

Another Humphrey with problems of a Van der Woodsen variety is Dan. Yes, he's supposedly cooler and hipper than he used to be, but he's not dressing the part.



The artistically floppy curls are a marginal improvement from the small, angry animal last season, but the crawling chest hair is a major problem. Maybe he should go to Chuck's groomer, as hes eems to have that situation under control. Otherwise, the simple faded red sweater and sport coat aren't a terrible look. Maybe it's me, but he looks just sloppy and uncaring. If you're going to be the new hipster-adjacent writer from Brookly, you've got to dress the part. My theory on all this is he's developed some sort of psychotic personality disorder and this explains his bizarre, un-Lonely Boy behavior. Why else publish that true (but horrible) Serena article, then claim he still loves her? That's got to be it, right? I mean, it's not like we're totally playing in the realm of possible with these kids anymore. 

Georgina, on the other hand, is refreshingly predictable. Never change, you crazy diamond.



You keep your giant sunnies and studded evil ways. The world would not be complete without your particular brand of batshit crazy, which those sunglasses only emphasize. I'm kind of surprised you didn't get mugged in the park for that cray-cray necklace, even if it is fake. I'm sure some other bored yummy mummy would have tried to take you down for that plastic.

The exaggerated bug-eye sunglasses do come off sometimes, which makes Georgina look less crazy.  

Unfortunately, even in her slightly improved beaded dress, she acts just as nuts as ever.  This might have even been a high point for her, except the beading is so much.  I could have done without the additional beaded cuffs on the sleeves or the cell phone sized ring, but I have to admit she does look pretty here.

Okay, so Nate's not shirtless, but. . .



You're welcome, anyway. The gun show is almost enough. 

Nate has given up the ghost and finally admitted defeat in his war against blue.  



It was too much for him to handle. Bless his heart, so much is. I think we've probably seen a version of this sweater, but unlike Rufus, he escapes detection because his sweater isn't so ugly I can remember it three years later. At least Nate pairs it with a button-up that has some contrast to the unrelenting blue.

Considering this is my last Gossip Girl recap ever, I suppose it's unsurprising that I feel speechless after coming face to face with Serena's Thanksgiving prep outfit.

She had me until the poofy, leather skirt. And your eyes do not decieve you, that is indeed a slip (a Josie Natori Saran Chemise to be exact) underneath. I'm all for fashion experimentation, but I am truly lost here. None of these pieces seem to go together at all, from the cream sweater, to the blue embroidered tank, to the aforementioned skirt. Taken individually, they're nice enough. The sweater and chemise top in particular would have been brilliant with a pair of skinny jeans and boots. But Serena has never been known for brillance.

More Josie Natori...

This recap would not be complete with a shot of Serena shopping in a grocery store, a sight I'm sure none of us expected to ever see in our lifetimes.

We always assumed that Serena thought food magically came from a caterer. We had no idea she even knew what a grocery store is, let alone how to find one and buy food to be prepared.

Also, that heavy looking scarf is:
1. Not enough to actually keep her warm during winter in NYC.
2. Not long enough to cover up that leather montrosity.

For dinner, Serena sticks to the sweater theme, donning a short, flared sweaterdress with intricate embroidery.



We at YKYLF have harped on Serena for six seasons now, complaining about her ever-shrinking hemlines. So I won't even bother to point out how short her skirt really is, because you already know all about that. Instead, I will mention how beautiful the detailing is. The pattern's a little busy, but the colors are so gorgeous and so gorgeous on Serena. For a change, she really looks lovely.

And because we can't miss a shot of Serena in this Anthropologie apron, another first:



Wouldn't want to muss up her pretty dress. Oh wait, Serena doesn't actually cook. We can only assume this is for show, or else her guests are in for a nasty surprise. 

Gossip Girl: It's Really Complicated

Part 2 of 2 - The Successes

As for those steadily improving Gossip Girl characters, the list isn't really a surprising one. By the end of six seasons, you know who can dress and who only gets lucky once in awhile.

Blair finally begins to grow up (sartorially...not emotionally) and, for the first episode in a long time, appears in pants. Specifically, a gorgeous gray tweed pantsuit.



The black detailing at the waist reminds us just how tiny she is, and the burst of blues and purples courtesy of the Gucci blouse is so flattering. Our Thanksgiving wish for her is better hair. What happened? The ghosts of Thanksgivings past tell us it once had volume and lustre. 

I think even Blair knows it to be true. I can only assume that's why the sour face. Or maybe it's because her emotionally distant and drunk true love is being, well, emotionally distant and drunk. 

Despite the hair, it's nice to see a grown-up side of Blair. And since she's still Blair, she finds the perfect accessory in a iridescent flower pin on her lapel.

Unfortunately, all is not so golden.

First, she insists on slipping on this wallpaper-print coat in clashing whites and golds.



This actually looks like a housecoat my grandmother owned in the sixties. She's really dropped the ball on outerwear. It used to be one of her talents. The kind of talent you could take to the bank and add to your LinkedIn profile. Not so much anymore. 

Second, she pulls out one of the most offensive and just plain bizarre outfits she's ever worn on GG. And I mean ever. 



Whaaaat? Yeah, I don't get it either. I guess she was trying to forcibly jerk (shock?) Chuck out of his Bart-induced scotch haze? The thing is, it's not like Blair doesn't know how to lure Chuck to bed. This was not only unnecessary, it was tacky. And potentially using jewelry Vanessa left behind before she went whrever it is she was exiled. 

But if you think the top is a bit much, take a gander at the full ensemble (yes, there's more). 



Oh yeah. Definitely tacky. Wacky, like Blair, but also missing that important factor of class that we've always associated with her.

Dorota doesn't know what to make of all this.



Us either, Dorota.  But I'm glad to see you broke out your Thanksgiving themed uniform.

Sage may be a newbie to our little show, but she's got sophistication in spades, at least for a national holiday.



Let's get to know her a little better. When not debuting, scheming, stripping at fashion shows, dating older men and airing sex tapes at society functions, Sage loves walking the streets of Manhattan in awesome khaki trenches with embroidery details.



Plus, like any self respecting young woman with more money than she knows what to do with, she's busy perfecting the Van der Woodsen talent of Wearing Very Heavy Earrings. This Sage, she's a force to be reckoned with.



Underneath the coat, she's not quite as classy, but still, her evergreen bandage dress is flattering enough, and she managed not to overdo the costume jewerly.

Serena's ex-almost-fiancé Steve is more pathetic than anything else, but he's included here because we feel sorry for him.



One of many (many) to have loved and lost Serena, he seems to be lost and confused. Possibly because he also thought food came from a catering truck. It also seems like he's so confused that he's taken to dressing poorly. The shirt looks bunchy under his coat, like it might not even fit him all that well (in his grief has he lost weight? Because he should know enough to get a fitted shirt) and the camel coat is just plain lazy. Maybe Serena's love is poisonous to the opposite sex -- after all, Dan doesn't seem to faired all that well either. They do say the female of the species is more deadly than the male. 

Feeling sorry for himself and generally giving up on life, Chuck is really suffering after losing the evidence to lock his father up once and for all.



Been there, done that. Amirite? I mean, if I had a nickel for every time my step mom tossed the damning microfiche in the fire.... It's no wonder he wishes all the glasses in his penthouse were bottomless. And they possibly are. 

He looks marginally better upright (but still with trusty glass in hand). Since this is Chuck, his pajamas are a sumptuous black satin with a subtle maroon trim. Very nice. The man does know how to feel sorry for himself with a touch of class.

Of course, we know how well Chuck cleans up. He's the one character you can count on fairly consistently to look great and event-appropriate, even if he is completely in the bag after two bottles of scotch. Plus, he really knows how to dress for fall.



The brown three-piece suit is gorgeous, and his red bowtie the perfect accompaniment (unless, maybe, we're counting Blair).  Even his hair has finally grown out from his unfortunate incident with the clippers.

Despite being all kinds of underhanded, it's kind of hard to stick Bart Bass in with the losing side.  He's such a perennial winner.



His clothes aren't all that interesting, but for the look he's going for--cold, hard-hearted businessman--he dresses flawlessly. He's even wearing a palette of icy blue and gray, his exterior emphasizing the barren wasteland within. Everything about him exudes power and ice and general hatred for his spawn. 

She might not have made it to the beach as planned, but Lily Rhodes van der Woodsen Mueller Bass Humphrey Bass is usually another high point during the holiday season on Gossip Girl, and this year is no exception.



Not the most fantastic dress she's ever worn, but it fits beautifully and the weft of the fabric adds a little visual interest. Love her gold knot earrings. Small by usual Rhodes girl standards, they're a nice touch. 

Definitely a lot more going on with the outfit Lily slips into for dinner.  



There's a lot of sequins on this dress, maybe even more than Serena would dare to wear. Totally what you wear for a meal at home with the kids and not at all at odds with Dan's v-neck and chest hair running wild and free. With the heavy sequins adding a bit of bulk, Lily does need the waist definition that the bow sash gives her, but it's a little incongruous with the top and bottom. We'll give this an A for effort, but not much more. However, the patented giant Lily earrings? How many of us would love access to Lily's spectacular earring collection? Her jewelry box must be the most magical place on earth. 

Gossip Girl: It's Really Complicated

Despite the episode's title, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's really not. Unless you make it so. And our friends on the UES excel at making things really complicated, particularly during the holidays.  B cancels plans for Paris to help S and Lonely Boy throw a feast for friends...and enemies, as it turns out. B turns to teen hellion Sage for help, which leads to S finding Steven and Sage in grocery store. (A place I'm sure none of them knew existed. That is what the help is for.) Speaking of daddy issues, Nate sleeps with a teenager and Chuck drowns his sorrows in a bottle until B shows up dressed in the skimpiest Native-American themed outfit she could find. Dan has apparently written two "Serena chapters" (one naughty, one nice) and tries to decide which he should release. Thankfully, Georgina is around to make sure the chapter with the most entertainment value is published. While S is hurt, Lonely Boy gets on his high horse and rides back to Brooklyn with whatever plan he's been cooking. Rufus gives out advice that no one listens to, Lily changes her mind about which Bass to believe (we'll see how long that lasts. I'm not sure she's to be trusted), buisness associates of Bart's turn up dead, and Bart and Nate continue with their blackmail plot (hands in the air if you just don't care about that one).

 Party du Jour
S and Lonely Boy host a Thanksgiving party for the whole gang.

Best Quotes
"Aren't you supposed to be on a white sandy beach where no one pays any capital gains tax?"

"Hey Dan, that was from all of us," said the pots as they called the kettle black as Nate punched Dan. 

Best Outfit
The skirt was short, but S in a fair isle sweater and flippy skirt with boots was adorable. 

Worst Outfit
Blair's culturally insensitive role playing outfit wins, handsdown. I guess it's a good thing she's friends with S again, otherwise, where would she get that outfit on such short notice? While infinitely more modest, the grey pantsuit wasn't much better when it comes to style choices.

 
Only two episodes left! And Bethany gets to be thankful for the last Thanksgiving episode of the series.