Glee: Sectionals

Part 3 of 3: 101 Miscellaneous Characters

Sometimes, there are just too many outfits - shocking, I know. This week on Glee, I've decided to recap those who've been left on the shelf previously.

And I will do it hilariously.

Meet the Jane Addams girls. They perform Rolling on a River in wheelchairs, plagiarised from the New Directions, despite looking more like they should be rolling with their homies instead. If Mercedes' family tree has a bad branch, this is it. So many oversized accessories...

Eve guest stars, presumably because Lil' Kim wasn't available. Whatever the motivation for getting a female rapper to head up a reform school, she looks smoking in smokey blue and stoney grey, and I have big love for anyone who matches their eyeshadow to their blouse.

This is Dalton Rumba (seriously), a deaf headteacher who dresses like a Paul Smith pin-up and enjoys a pretzel. I love everything about him, from his Malcolm X glasses to his striped bowtie to his fawn blazer.

Did I mention Sue leaked McKinley's set list? This is certainly her most diabolical tracksuit.

Judging the show choir competition are three of the funniest people you will ever meet: the amazing Anna Camp, who dresses like a Barbie and plays the ditz extraordinaire.

Rod Remington, a man with a plan — a fashionable plan — in an apricot silk tie and matching pocket square.

Will Schuester, take note. Men of the world, take note.

And lastly...I don't know who this lady is, but I wouldn't want to meet her on a dark night, not with those crazy eyes. That said, her textured blazer provides a lovely contrast to the top beneath and the pale colour is wonderful with her skintone.

And now, for the one I've been saving. All hail Principal Figgins.

He's just everything you want in a man. He clashes different patterns with his vest, shirt, jacket. He knows how to add just the right dash of je ne sais quoi with that claret coloured tie. He doesn't buy a three piece suit, he makes his own.

Also, he's the spitting image of my dearly departed granddad, so I adore him.

I'm just going to leave this here.

Glee: Mattress

Part 2 of 3: Daddy Pop

Respect, Ken Tanaka. I support any man who wears such brightly coloured polo shirts and if that were all I were judging you on, you'd get Emma and a selection of free bowties too!

Bride-to-be Emma is blue, literally. Luckily for me, she's a gorgeous shade of blue with cute buttons on the sleeves and a complimentary floral brooch.

Blue flowers seem to be a theme, and this is where Emma gets into dangerous territory. Embroidered cardigans are great granny wear, but a pale skirt makes this look more light and summery than Sunset Years Retirement Home.

Sue pops in to poop on everyone's parade by denying the New Directions a place in the yearbook. Her tracksuit isn't anything we haven't seen before, but her expression...

And now, we return to our scheduled programming.

Or not.

Anyway, Will is blue too. And grey. And bland. A Project Runway/Glee crossover cannot come too soon to save him from himself.

When Will's not dressing like an older, poorer, less buff Nate Archibald, he goes in for cardigans and coats in grey and brown and confusion at the way his life turned out.

Hopefully Emma can counsel him about the dullness of his personality, dressed as she is as a darling bud of May in white, spring green and dainty daisy accessories.

Her tending loving therapy prompts Will to wear a brighter shade of blue and a dangerous — for him — red and black striped tie, but nothing dramatic.

That is a dramatic tie. Why? BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE. There are pinstripes and tiny triangles and that is a tie a pharoah would wear, snaps for Mr Schue!

And Mrs Schue, with her bogus belly? Will snatches it out from beneath this frilled purple number, and I would like him more if he'd snatched her shirt off too, and replaced it with a nicely ironed button-down and a moral compass.

'I literally have nothing to wear', by Will Schuester.

This is what recapping your repetitive rear feels like, William.

Glee: Mattress

Part 3 of 3: Glee! The Generic Opera

"Rachel photobombs everyone's else's picture anyway."

See what I mean?

Kurt is wearing an art pop/cowboy shirt (who ever thought they'd hear that sentence?) and an expression of disdain at the idea of being in the yearbook.

His hetero heroine Mercedes is kind of rocking it, actually. Her face says war but her cool purple t-shirt says peace — in hair. And let's be honest, everyone else is just cookie cutter versions of themselves. Artie's in an ugly sweater, Puck's in plaid, Finn's wearing a plain white tee and Tina's blacker than my soul.

McKinley High School uniform, male: sweatshirt/gilet over polo/button-down/t-shirt. Can be worn in drab hue of your choice.

Hi, Quinn! I wish we saw more of your plum perfection.

Speaking of perfection, matching a blueberry-coloured headband to your cardi is a beautiful thing, as is Kurt's Sergeant Pepper coat and rockabilly boots. Mercedes' yellow and purple jacket pops the colours in her shirt and the eyeballs right out of my sockets. Kudos.

Artie's bright braces are very on trend at the moment, as are Tina's cobweb leggings. But...is that a hole in her cardigan sleeve? Not fashionable. Never fashionable.

This is not a mattress commercial. This is a very tame orgy and it is creepy as heck.

Will gives the kids a stern talking to, blah blah blah, slept on a free mattress, blah blah blah, amateur choir status revoked. This is the plot of one or all of The Cheetah Girls movies.

Everyone looks suitably underwhelmed, as they should be. Rachel's shirtdress is a pretty berry shade (see what I did there?!) and Quinn's finally wearing a print, thank the Lord! There's lots of greys from the guys and Tina and a 'MERCEDES' necklace from Mercedes. Because we totally forgot what your name was, Marissa.

In the end, they're all in this together. And Rachel is wearing hideous knee socks.

Emma's yearbook photo is much better. Two bows on her blouse is a touch too much, but the sunny yellow is lovely and the floral skirt she wore in "Ballad" is a worthy repeat.

Nothing says power like a polo shirt in school colous.

Or the tracksuit that made you a legend. "Sloppy freakshow babies!"

Glad to see you went for the red tie, William. My advice? If your wife's baby bump turns out to be a cushion, just grin and bear it.

Or twitch your mouth like an underpaid clown. Whatever.

Glee: Hairography

Part 3 of 3: Willmagine

Dearest darling Emma only appears in one scene this episode, but she doesn’t disappoint in indigo wool which through some miracle doesn’t clash with her hair. Glory be!

Sue Sylvester’s back with a brand old track(suit) in iconic orange-red, trying once again to destroy the the world everyone’s happiness the glee club.

This is one of my preferred tracksuits, but the sense of déjà vu is strong with this one.

And stronger.

And str – wait, what? Could it be a tracksuit we haven’t seen before? That high collar is practically Elizabethan and the piping is very contouring. It’s the Oscar gown of sportswear.

No matter what she wears, Sue looks like Sammy Sane next to Terri. My first clue she’s faking her pregnancy is that while impending motherhood offers benefits such as fantastic cleavage, most women are prouder of their bump than their boobs.

That said, I love the tribal pattern and mix of close and wide decoration on Terri’s kaftan-esque baby-on-board blouse thing. The blend of light and dark hues is lovely.

Terri is doing variations on a tribal theme/cleavage, and this one makes her eyes beyond blue. Either that, or I’m blinded by Puck’s shirt in the background.

When it comes to trying to persuade Quinn she’s a fit mother for her baby, however, Terri falls hard. Those white articles look awfully like leggings, and tights are not pants, and if you can wear those and not have any cellulite showing, I’m not sure you’re real.

I bet poor Jessalyn Gilsig got a cold from the amount of décolleté she had to show daily.

Will sleeping shirtless would improve the show exponentially. Just saying.

Terri doesn’t agree, sadly, since his shirt off would mean her shirt off, so she buys him a car. I don’t understand it either, but apparent car > sex, and Will is so surprised he’s momentarily turned into Nate Archibald. That sweater has a heart pin sewn into the sleeve, I swear.

Now please take you seats for the WS Spring/Summer Show! Tweedy ties and blue button-downs are in this season, especially when paired when a worried expression.

When dreaming up this year’s style profile, we thought, ‘hey, you know what’s never been done before? A pale shirt and a dark tie, that’s what!’ Waistcoat optional, but enjoyable.

Maroon, burgundy and brown with hints of blue and incredulity are about to explode. Add a winning smile if Eve is guest starring and about to steal the show with her blondeness.

Boring is the new interesting! Expand your biceps, not your wardrobe! Wear that same tie you’ve worn a dozen times before!

For best results, don’t bother to do your top button. You’re only a professional.

Textures of burlap sack will give your Will Schuester style a distinctly rustic feel, whether in a leather jacket you stole from Elena Gilbert or a blazer you stole from Goodwill. Of course pink goes with brown. Of course it does.

For when nothing else will do, there’s always that one moody lavender shirt with a well matched olive and black tie which the recapper actually likes. Tease her with it. Make like you might dress yourself better in the future, even though you won’t.

This is how you applaud deaf people, and also those who have pillowcases instead of sleeves.

Who’d you borrow the shirt from, the Hulk?

No refunds will be given if you failed to take any pleasure from any of the pieces in the WS Spring/Summer Collection. Grab a Vitamin Water and tune in next time, when there’ll be more dramedy, pregnancy-related hijinks and poorly ironed collars. Joy!

Glee: Wheels

Part 3 of 3: the Will Schuester Follies

"YOU SICKEN ME!"

Sue always expresses my feelings on how badly these kids dress so perfectly.

But sometimes (a lot of the time) I get annoyed even by what Sue wears. This episode, she's dressed like a race car driver mated with orange and lime Tic-Tacs.

From Tic-Tacs to toothpaste - but I actually like this tracksuit. Of her extensive wardrobe, Sue's suits in teal are my favourites. They go nicely with her eyes.

Every woman should have a red dress. In Sue's case, it's a red tracksuit, but no matter - red always adds glamour. I also like the way she seems to have her hair dyed and styled in the past few minutes. A side-sweeping fringe would do her wonders.

Sue's sister with Down's syndrome is one of many heartstring-twanging themes this episode, but foremost of these is Artie's inability to use the schoolbus to get to sectionals. I hope his future is more interesting than his plain shirt and slacks.

Grandpa's sweater vest is better than nothing, in a sort of jazzed up argyle that's almost cool. What are your feelings on short sleeved shirts, YKYLF readers? I can't stand them except in high summer.

The other Glee men think all shirts should be long sleeved all the time, clearly.

Mike and Tina may have exactly the same expression on their faces, but they're poles apart sartorially speaking. Mike, I've said it to Mercedes and I'll say it to you, this is not the eighties, tone down the neon.

Tina, either embrace your early Avril Lavigne-esque style and tart yourself up a bit, or go fully Victorian. Lace and ribbons would do you so many favours compared to frankly ugly green plaid and random lock paraphernalia as accessories.

Green is good for Will, a great change from blue, white and grey. Unfortunately, he blends into the wall so well only his briar patch distinguishes him from the paint. Bad set designer, bad!

I see you're sporting one of TV's stock endless blue shirts, Will. Rolled up sleeves, popped buttons, sky blue tablecloth print, gormless expression...

This textured grey waistcoat is nice, but would be better over something with a bold pattern or at least some pinstripes.

(I wonder if Will ever changes clothes from the waist down).

What have we here? A flash of red t-shirt beneath a white shirt with red patterning?! Matching colours?! A MATCHING CUPCAKE?! This is the most exciting thing to happen to the faculty of McKinley ever.

I'm glad to see Will hasn't forgotten that shirt + jacket = properly dressed.

But a jacket doesn't make up for mistakes like a flat, drab colour on top of another flat, drab colour. You should never wear clothes that match your hair colour either.

Will, you look like a paper bag and I hate you.

Next on 'The Little Show that Couldn't (Dress its Way Out of a Paper Bag)', we have Tina, who is doing surprisingly well in various shades of purple. Her heather grey tee and the lilac streaks in her hair don't quite match her magenta eye shadow, but she tried.

When Tina goes full Lolita, she's adorable. A lace placket and skinny ribbon tie soften her in a way fishnets and chains everywhere can't. She doesn't look primed to decapitate anymore.

Artie clearly agrees with me, look at that face. Look at that mint green sweater vest, you heart throb. Have you been taking tips from Quinn?

To recap: I love Quinn, and all the rest of you really need to pull your socks up - except Rachel. Stop trying to make knee socks happen. THEY AREN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.