Glee: Sectionals

Part 1 of 3: New Directions for Dummies

So, here's what you missed on Glee: Emma puts her wedding on hold so the glee club can go to Sectionals because Will slept on a mattress and now can't go. Finn finds out Puck is the father of Quinn's baby and flakes on Sectionals but shows up after a pep talk from Will, and Puck wants to be with Quinn, but she isn't having any of that. Mercedes is chosen to do the ballad for the competition but then Rachel does it anyway, because Lea Michele's contract said so because Sue leaked the New Directions set list. Will Emma marry Ken? Will those crazy kids win the show choir comp? Will Rachel wear suitable hosiery?

Artie starts us off with some serious colour blocking. This is Chuck Bass, circa season two, the only time in the history of Gossip Girl he ever wore a sweater. Stick with brights, Artie, and you'll go places. Have you considered a matching bowtie? A bottle of Dom?

That sweater vest beats out the usually fabulous Kurt, who is playing it safe (read: boring) in piratical stripes and a trench coat. Are you a pirate-spy for Vocal Adrenaline?

Mercedes is glamorously gauche with too much gold jewellery again, but since there's gold on her t-shirt too, I'm okay with it. The geometric pattern isn't too busy, which is rare for her.

When I first saw Tina's outfit, I was all, 'yay, such pretty curls!' Then I realised she was wearing black armwarmers and pink eyeshadow, plus a cutesy hair clip and grungey accessories. She's like a Southern fried spring roll, dressing outside the realms of normalcy.

Finn also does black, and I like it just about as much as I like him in every other colour. Until there's a tuxedo involved or Kurt makes him over, I'm not interested.

But still, costume consistency is a great thing — it makes me believe these twenty somethings really might actually be Midwest teens. It's great to see Rachel's apron style wrap skirt, since that is something a teenage girl would wear with everything. And the strong blue cardigan with argyle print is surprisingly bold. Snaps for Rachel Berry!

As always, there is only one queen, and that is Quinn. Her braid porn is in fine form, and her simple teal empire line dress and sensible shrug are what young mothers should be wearing: concealing, not revealing, with not a crop top or Daisy Duke in sight.

Her baby daddy Puck smartens up for his rendition of "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (He doesn't sing it, bee tee dubs, just thinks it). Brown makes his hazel eyes pop, even brown plaid.

Did I mention Finn decides to punish the entire glee club because he's not Quinn's baby daddy? Here he is, returning to the site of all his former shower-singing sins. Letter jacket on, he's ready to think none too deeply and make none too smart decisions.

It's the return of carmine, guys and gals. Thankfully, Rachel's beautiful single-breasted coat is hiding the hideous plaid housedress she has on underneath.

In fact, most of New Directions are rocking the outerwear. Artie's pimped out in a tri-colour puffer, Mercedes is black and yellow (and pink) like the annoying hip hop song of the same name, and Quinn looks angelic in spearmint blue. These guys have really pulled their socks up.

These guys...have not. Tina looks like Edward Scissorhands and Kurt resembles Rihanna on a bad day. Bad beanie choice. In fact, beanies are bad. Don't go there.

As ensemble outfits go, this one's not bad - but it's not spectacular either. Black does work on everyone, but that generic dress shape so often used for bridesmaid dresses leads to a uniboob effect, like a unibrow on the chest.

That said, I Can't Always Get What I Want.

Of course our heroes win the day, and end it with some Kelly Clarkson. I don't remember Kelly wearing so much lavender or knee socks, Rachel, but you're off the hook since you just killed "Don't Rain on My Parade." Mercedes is back on form with a spangly peace sign, and Tina and Artie appear to be wearing matching armwarmers, as well as some more purple.

As for the boys...I would call that safari chic from Kurt, except his shirt/jacket/thing has a nehru collar and it makes no sense. And I'm fairly certain Finn skinned a bear to make that sweater.

Glee: Mattress

Part 1 of 3: Yearbook Blues

So, here's what you missed on Glee: Will personally buys a section of the yearbook so the glee club (*cough* Finchel *cough*) can have a picture, even though it gets defaced and Rachel photobombs everyone's else's picture anyway. Terri's fake bump is revealed to be fake — big shocker — and Ken and Emma are getting married on the same day as sectionals, which the glee club are now ineligible for because Will slept on a mattress, then eligible for again so long as he doesn't go with them. The club takes a picture, which gets defaced. And the point of the episode was...?

Quinn = queen of win. Our pregnant princess is the anti-Tina in Lolita-esque lace, but her milkmaid looks make it sweet, not scary. A print might be nice, though.

Print or no print, however, she needs to do YouTube tutorials on hair braiding, and steer clear of block colour cardigans and shapeless blouses. You're not a mother yet, Quinnie, especially a middle-aged one with no time to shop.

Speaking of middle-aged, Rachel's boring contrast combo is a size too small and a shade too boring. I will only say this once: Mercedes' neon obsession isn't always a bad thing.

If you're wondering, readers, the Sunday Times' style supplement suggests pairing a bright neon print with a softer colour, such as Mercedes' green sweater. She's right on trend for Spring 2013...in 2009. Or 1989.

Rachel tries to press gang each glee club member into posing in the yearbook photo with her. Artie is having none of it, even though I'm sure his ickily trimmed blue sky and clouds sweater vest would look great. Really.

But with her big doe eyes and coat in the exact same shade of candy apple red as his letter jacket, Rachel hooks herself a sucker in the form of Finn Hudson, idiot extraordinaire.

They groove to songs about smiling, which have nothing to do with the episode, and Finn dresses like a farmer in textures of brown, khaki and grey. This is Ohio, not Idaho.

Rachel matches him. With a plaid skirt. Ewww.

But if you publicly associate yourself with the glee club, bad things are going to happen. Football players are going to draw on your face.

And then you're going to flake on Rachel and go back to wearing your habitual plaid shirt of shame over your white shirt of sorrow, and your recapper (and the audience) will hate you.

This is an episode of highs and lows for Rachel, not only because she gets stood up. I mean, I love her chunky, cranberry-coloured cardigan, but not the elderly thermal vest beneath it.

This is very pretty hair. It's so volumised, it reminds me of the Little Mermaid. Puff sleeves and pinafores, however, should not be worn by anyone over the age of seven. Take note, wardobe department. Seven, not seventeen.

Seven. This frilly lampshade monstrosity, with tiers in all the wrong places and pearlised buttons, should be worn by a seventy year old.

Seventy.

Glee: Mattress

Part 3 of 3: Glee! The Generic Opera

"Rachel photobombs everyone's else's picture anyway."

See what I mean?

Kurt is wearing an art pop/cowboy shirt (who ever thought they'd hear that sentence?) and an expression of disdain at the idea of being in the yearbook.

His hetero heroine Mercedes is kind of rocking it, actually. Her face says war but her cool purple t-shirt says peace — in hair. And let's be honest, everyone else is just cookie cutter versions of themselves. Artie's in an ugly sweater, Puck's in plaid, Finn's wearing a plain white tee and Tina's blacker than my soul.

McKinley High School uniform, male: sweatshirt/gilet over polo/button-down/t-shirt. Can be worn in drab hue of your choice.

Hi, Quinn! I wish we saw more of your plum perfection.

Speaking of perfection, matching a blueberry-coloured headband to your cardi is a beautiful thing, as is Kurt's Sergeant Pepper coat and rockabilly boots. Mercedes' yellow and purple jacket pops the colours in her shirt and the eyeballs right out of my sockets. Kudos.

Artie's bright braces are very on trend at the moment, as are Tina's cobweb leggings. But...is that a hole in her cardigan sleeve? Not fashionable. Never fashionable.

This is not a mattress commercial. This is a very tame orgy and it is creepy as heck.

Will gives the kids a stern talking to, blah blah blah, slept on a free mattress, blah blah blah, amateur choir status revoked. This is the plot of one or all of The Cheetah Girls movies.

Everyone looks suitably underwhelmed, as they should be. Rachel's shirtdress is a pretty berry shade (see what I did there?!) and Quinn's finally wearing a print, thank the Lord! There's lots of greys from the guys and Tina and a 'MERCEDES' necklace from Mercedes. Because we totally forgot what your name was, Marissa.

In the end, they're all in this together. And Rachel is wearing hideous knee socks.

Emma's yearbook photo is much better. Two bows on her blouse is a touch too much, but the sunny yellow is lovely and the floral skirt she wore in "Ballad" is a worthy repeat.

Nothing says power like a polo shirt in school colous.

Or the tracksuit that made you a legend. "Sloppy freakshow babies!"

Glad to see you went for the red tie, William. My advice? If your wife's baby bump turns out to be a cushion, just grin and bear it.

Or twitch your mouth like an underpaid clown. Whatever.

Glee: Hairography

Part 1 of 3: Papa(s) Don't Preach

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: Sue’s in cahoots with another show choir, using hairography to succeed long before Willow Smith opened her tiny, irritating mouth. Quinn considers adoption, all because Puck sexted Santana. Kurt dresses Rachel up as a hooker clown to put Finn off, but Berry serves it back by pointing out she’ll always have the better chance with Finn because she’s a girl. Burn!

This week on The Bachelorette, we have two contenders for the title of Baby Daddy Fabray. In the blue corner, please welcome Finn Hudson!

Finn enjoys watching paint dry and the non-colour khaki!

“Why should I be baby daddy Fabray? Well, I wear lots of plaid, like responsible father and anti-house husband Rufus Humphrey. I even coordinate it with my t-shirt sometimes!”

“I’d be really good at supporting Quinn and the baby, because I’m so thrifty. I wear the same shirt over t-shirt combo all the time and drive my recapper to despair!”

“If you want a straight up, bore-you-to-tears in a polo shirt guy, I’m him. Did I mention my frequent shopper discount at American Eagle?”

Thank you, Finn, for those monotonous ensembles, but now onto more serious (and sexy) matters. In the red corner, please welcome Noah Puckerman!

“Well, first I know that a little black outfit isn’t just for the ladies. I rock a black sweatshirt, undo a few buttons and they flock to the Puck like flies to unattended food.”

“And sure, I wear plaid, but it says something about me. I’m grey clouds, I’m storm-tossed, I’m deep. I can't use an iron.”

“When I wear something like a Henley, I understand that contrast matters. It can’t just be grey, man. It’s gotta have black accents. They’ve gotta pop, like my biceps!”

“I play guitar. That’s hot. And I wear powder blue plaid over a wife-beater and don’t look like a hobo, although I like to think I still have the teen dad je ne sais quoi.”

“Did I mention I’m on the football team? No? Well, this letter jacket mentions it for me. It saves the wardrobe department having to think up another look for me, since every one is so original. What’s the big deal about me sexting with Santana while babysitting with Quinn?”

Now onto the girl who puts the ‘Oh’ in Ohio, Miss Quinn Fabray!

In case you didn’t know, I love Quinn. She’s like the Taylor Swift of McKinley High: a demure dresser, a lover of pink and pastels with the dirtiest dating history in town.

Terri still wants Quinn’s baby as she keeps forgetting to tell Will she’s not really pregnant. This makes Quinn blue — literally. Her twee raincoat with its big white buttons and stitching would be chic with heels but surprisingly goes well with a plain white blouse and jeans.

This blurry picture demonstrates two things I admire about Quinn, one of which is she’s recycling the floral top I fell in love with an episode agp.

Thing number two is the hair porn, specifically the braid porn. Je l’adore!

In her spare time, Quinn is an extra on Nashville. This marine blue is lovely on her, but the ruching on her shirt awkwardly scoots her boobs down a couple of inches. Not a good look.

Another beautiful braid for our yummy mommy, who has taken a leaf out of fake mommy Terri’s book and is wearing salmon. Who wore it better, readers?

What Quinn wears best of all is pastels, chunky lilac cable-knit and crinkly florals paired with a death stare. It seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, because she wouldn’t risk the calories, and then she’d knife you in the neck for serving her butter.

More to the point, what a darling cardigan!

Sadly, I’m here to criticise as well as compliment, and there’s that cardigan with the weird, out-of-place green flower back again. The pale yellow and cream are too little girlie; Dianna Agron is fiercely pretty, but you forget that when she’s been dressed like a five year old and it suddenly feels wrong to find her attractive.

Much better! If HRH Queen B of Gossip Girl taught us anything, it’s that fit is better than flesh. This fresh white and blue dress hugs Quinn’s tiny waist and the neat little shrug saves it from being beachy and adds another texture. Simple and sweet.

Glee: Hairography

Part 2 of 3: Hairstory

Sometimes, the New Directions can twirl and dip like One Direction. Other times, they need a little help from Mr Schue, who needs a little help himself with dressing like a grown-up.

Honourable mentions go to Rachel and Quinn for dressing like Amish ladies, Mercedes for not dressing like a traffic cone and Kurt, for a bizarre two-tone sweater with an Oxford collar and knee highs with shorts. King McQueen would not approve.

I don’t approve of how toned down it is this week! So much drab green, so much boring blue, and only a plain bowtie from Kurt! Finn and Artie are in block white like they’re about to be dunked in a baptismal tank, and Mercedes, Tina, Puck and the one who’s name I can never remember appear to be attending a funky funeral.

OMG, I just noticed the bow ankle straps on Rachel’s shoes. Grilled Cheesus, take the wheel, I’m off to find me a pair of those.

While we’re on the subject, Rachel makes rather a big transformation this episode, which is a longer time coming every second I have to look at this pinafore made out of a tablecloth.

Wearing fifty shades of pink and looking like a bathmat, Rachel ponders how to get Finn to see her as a woman, not a giant marshmallow in a headband. Goodbye to Rachel B…

…hello to Easy R, the Olive Penderghast of 2009. Even the Pretty Little Liars don’t dress like this, and they’ve got more love interests than Rachel has anklets.

From Emma Stone to Olivia Neutron Bomb (as my mother calls her) — or, more accurately, to Barbra Streisand stuffed into a sausage skin and struggling to be sexy.

No. N-O, no.

After Finn telling her about a conversation with Kurt where he explained his perfect girl was au naturelle, Rachel goes au naturelle and confronts Kurt. Unfortunately, her au naturelle is a floral romper suitable for toddlers.

This is much better, a lilac button-down which flatters Rachel as she should be, not Berry Boop as she shouldn’t. If only she dressed like this all the time…

Perhaps she should hire Kurt as her personal dresser?

That said, Kurt becomes a cross between Van Pelt from Jumanji and Justin Timberlake by adding a fedora to a checked suit and riding boots, multiplying that by a briefcase and coming up with nastiness.

This outfit should be burned.

There’s always something of the macabre about Kurt’s clothing, even this shirt has swords and teeth printed on it like a bad tarot reading. Also, bolo ties are never going to happen.

Whatever this is? Not going to happen either. Cute bowtie, though. Sassy checks.

Sometimes, Kurt confuses high fashion with just plain high, but his foray into plaid is pushing elegant. The shirt is busy, the jacket is bare and the military tailoring is excellent.

Don’t look so innocent, Kurt, we know you sabotaged Rachel. You’ll have to explain why you’re dressed as a young Spock with that obscenely high collar, though.

That’s a much more sensible collar. I wish we’d seen more of this than the other Hummel horrors. I even spy a hint of pink and navy cravat, and the boy usually gives such good cravat.

This is a before picture. It’s relatively fabulous compared to what happens next.

It’s the Jackson…Ten? New Directions whip their hair back and forth to "Hair/Crazy in Love", but Beyonce wouldn’t be caught dead in that ugly waistcoat without a sequin in sight. Hair should be bouncy, butts should be big and colours should be bright.

That’s better! That’s brighter! New Directions see your True Colours shining through, which is why they love you, which is a great closing number.

This song shows it doesn’t matter what you wear, so long as it’s a t-shirt in a pre-approved colour which does absolutely nothing for anyone’s figure.