Glee: Sectionals

Part 1 of 3: New Directions for Dummies

So, here's what you missed on Glee: Emma puts her wedding on hold so the glee club can go to Sectionals because Will slept on a mattress and now can't go. Finn finds out Puck is the father of Quinn's baby and flakes on Sectionals but shows up after a pep talk from Will, and Puck wants to be with Quinn, but she isn't having any of that. Mercedes is chosen to do the ballad for the competition but then Rachel does it anyway, because Lea Michele's contract said so because Sue leaked the New Directions set list. Will Emma marry Ken? Will those crazy kids win the show choir comp? Will Rachel wear suitable hosiery?

Artie starts us off with some serious colour blocking. This is Chuck Bass, circa season two, the only time in the history of Gossip Girl he ever wore a sweater. Stick with brights, Artie, and you'll go places. Have you considered a matching bowtie? A bottle of Dom?

That sweater vest beats out the usually fabulous Kurt, who is playing it safe (read: boring) in piratical stripes and a trench coat. Are you a pirate-spy for Vocal Adrenaline?

Mercedes is glamorously gauche with too much gold jewellery again, but since there's gold on her t-shirt too, I'm okay with it. The geometric pattern isn't too busy, which is rare for her.

When I first saw Tina's outfit, I was all, 'yay, such pretty curls!' Then I realised she was wearing black armwarmers and pink eyeshadow, plus a cutesy hair clip and grungey accessories. She's like a Southern fried spring roll, dressing outside the realms of normalcy.

Finn also does black, and I like it just about as much as I like him in every other colour. Until there's a tuxedo involved or Kurt makes him over, I'm not interested.

But still, costume consistency is a great thing — it makes me believe these twenty somethings really might actually be Midwest teens. It's great to see Rachel's apron style wrap skirt, since that is something a teenage girl would wear with everything. And the strong blue cardigan with argyle print is surprisingly bold. Snaps for Rachel Berry!

As always, there is only one queen, and that is Quinn. Her braid porn is in fine form, and her simple teal empire line dress and sensible shrug are what young mothers should be wearing: concealing, not revealing, with not a crop top or Daisy Duke in sight.

Her baby daddy Puck smartens up for his rendition of "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (He doesn't sing it, bee tee dubs, just thinks it). Brown makes his hazel eyes pop, even brown plaid.

Did I mention Finn decides to punish the entire glee club because he's not Quinn's baby daddy? Here he is, returning to the site of all his former shower-singing sins. Letter jacket on, he's ready to think none too deeply and make none too smart decisions.

It's the return of carmine, guys and gals. Thankfully, Rachel's beautiful single-breasted coat is hiding the hideous plaid housedress she has on underneath.

In fact, most of New Directions are rocking the outerwear. Artie's pimped out in a tri-colour puffer, Mercedes is black and yellow (and pink) like the annoying hip hop song of the same name, and Quinn looks angelic in spearmint blue. These guys have really pulled their socks up.

These guys...have not. Tina looks like Edward Scissorhands and Kurt resembles Rihanna on a bad day. Bad beanie choice. In fact, beanies are bad. Don't go there.

As ensemble outfits go, this one's not bad - but it's not spectacular either. Black does work on everyone, but that generic dress shape so often used for bridesmaid dresses leads to a uniboob effect, like a unibrow on the chest.

That said, I Can't Always Get What I Want.

Of course our heroes win the day, and end it with some Kelly Clarkson. I don't remember Kelly wearing so much lavender or knee socks, Rachel, but you're off the hook since you just killed "Don't Rain on My Parade." Mercedes is back on form with a spangly peace sign, and Tina and Artie appear to be wearing matching armwarmers, as well as some more purple.

As for the boys...I would call that safari chic from Kurt, except his shirt/jacket/thing has a nehru collar and it makes no sense. And I'm fairly certain Finn skinned a bear to make that sweater.

Glee: Sweet Dreams

Really and truly, we could have skipped this episode and reviewed the highlights (Rachel auditions for Funny Girl, Finn is in fake college, Marley is now a songwriter) entirely in flashback during a future episode. Or mentioned it in passing. Whatever. This episode was filler, and the only thing that saved it from my DVR's delete button was Rachel-as-Barbara in one of our favorite things ever — DRESS-UP MONTAGE!

Rachel's Melodramatic Song of the Week

It's a tie between 1) a mother-daughter duet of "Next to Me" complete with coordinating purple shirts and grey toppers...

...and 2) Rachel in the audition of her life. I know! She's finally chasing the dream of Fanny Brice in Funny Girl. Proud of you, Rach.

I can't make up my mind about this Maje dress with wrap skirt, though. Is it adorably perfect? Is it too twee? What Would Barbara Wear?

You know the answer to that — she'd wear a hat and a French twist, as Rachel did in this dress-up montage at the top of the show.

You guys, we here at YKYLF can not stress how much we love a good montage. And one that involves leopard print and eyeliner of perfection? Please. I am dying over here.

Said montage led to a glimpse of Little Rachel, and we now have an origin story for her wardrobe from seasons 1-3.

Knee stockings — check. Peter Pan collar — check. A dire need to be evaluated and accepted? If I'm reading the expression on Lil' Rachel's face correctly — check.

But this is Season 4, and Rachel will no longer be trifled with, nor will she dress like a toddler. I'm digging this top — it's got a bit of an 80s vibe with the rando print.

I'm also drawn to this simple blazer and the textured dress it was hiding. Again, we have a bit of an 80s influence in the print.

The shape was pretty cute, too, as blurrily seen here in her Dance of Joy with Kurt.

Oh! Right! Kurt was in this episode, and he wore layers. Observe the graphic top, casually tied scarf, and thin wrap. He's all "I'm too trendy to wear warm clothes, even though I'm actually freezing in this godforsaken loft."

Alas, Kurt had little to do in this episode besides appear in a song-hallucination during Rachel's audition, and then provide a plate of cookies while Rachel waited for the producers to come knocking on her door (or ringing on her iPhone, as the case may be).

Speaking of the producers, all three of these folks look familiar to me, but IMDb is of no help. What say you, YKYLF readers?

How Sue Sees It

She doesn't, what with that whole bringing-a-gun-to-school incident last week. So instead, we have Substitute Sue (aka Roz) who does an admirable job of keeping up the tracksuit tradition while sporting school colors. I mean, it's a bit expected, but how creative can one get with Adidas?

Anyway, peep that mani, perfectly offsetting her medal ribbon. Plus the pop of color, courtesy of her diving watch? I applaud your choice of accessories, Coach Roz.

Least Accurate Depiction of College

So, Finn's tried getting married, going to the Army, teaching high schoolers, and failing all that, has embarked on a new persona — Big Man on Campus!

I know we tend to hate shawl-collar sweaters, but this one doesn't bother me. It's a refreshing alternative to the usual hoodie seen on most college guys.

But back to the campus scene. What? I mean...what? There's no way that The University of Lima (anyone else catch the emphasis on the "The"? Hat tip to The Ohio State) has such an organized and good-looking student body.

Yeah, I'm guessing U of L is a suitcase college where things are earily quiet after 3pm and on weekends. And the likelihood of this many tan and fit bodies in the middle of an Ohio spring = slim/none.

But ya know, this is Hollywood, and in Hollywood, scenes like this play out at all colleges, and guys like Finn easily convince babes to shed their bikini tops and take a whirl on the slip-n-slide...

...and semi-suit up to rock out at frat parties.

BTW, I'm calling it now — Finn and Puck will pledge whatever-Kappa-whatever (Frat Bro #2's shirt is partially obscured, thus I can't make out the letters) and put their Glee Skillz to good use to save the fraternity from whatever ill is about to befall it.

I think I saw that on an episode of GREEK, anyway.

Oh! Right! Puck was in this episode too, as a sort-of-student at U of L (he's auditing a few classes, and no, I don't believe he knows what that means).

Although as he defines it, auditing means playing on the aforementioned slip-n-slide, rocking out at aforementioned frat parties dressed like a rockabilly guitar hero...

...and delivering some realness to Finn. Yes.

It's morning (afternoon?) in the dorm, and the boys are in their rumpled best. Puck thrusts a pink paper at Finn, who dismisses it as merely a warning from a prof for missing a test. Again, what? Was my school just particularly harsh with its sink-or-swim attitude, or are some insitutions this coddling? You guys, I can't tell what's real anymore.

Best Outfit of the Week

Like Rachel's audition outfit, Marley's military-inspired ensemble gave me conflicting feelings. Was it overly matchy? Was she channeling her inner majorette just a tad too much?

But the more I look at it, the more j'adore.

Bonus peep at Marley's cowboy boots (eh...do not like) and Unique's heels. Grrrrrrl...

More Gap...

Did you see Marley's folder in the top pic, in a perfectly matching shade of yellow? The contents of said folder bring me to this week's...

Least Compelling Plotline

Blah, blah Schue wants to sing old songs, the kids don't, Schue gets mad, he overhears their conversation, and relents in the end. I can't believe they spent half the episode on this minutia.

So instead, let's talk about Blaine's knitwear! First, he rallies the troops in a dandy contrasting cardi, followed by a coordinating outfit of the classic plaid-shirt-and-sweater-vest variety. Coach Roz, this is how you nail school colors.

Somewhere in there (again, Least Compelling Plotline) he and Unique decided that On Wednesdays We Wear Stripes. While horizontal stripes are not Unique's friend, I give golf claps for the expert mixing of purples. And I'm standing on my chair and straight-up cheering for Blaine's subdued yet snazzy stripes and yellow pants. It takes a strong man to pull of yellow pants.

Marley's on the knitwear train, too, first in this sweet aqua sweater paired with a pleated skirt and a song in heart. Yeah, lemme bring you up to speed — songwriting is her Thing, and that means we're going to be forced to listen to treated to original songs full of teenaged pathos, because New Directions will be singing one of these gems for regionals.

I suppose such wisdom comes easy to someone wearing an owl sweater.

Whooo wants to hear another song? Not me!

Tina's Latest Costume School Outfit

Remember when Tina was into Pilgrim Goth? And then 60s Mod? Well, her latest sartorial obsession is STEAMPUNK, Y'ALL!

I'm actually super excited for this, and hope it's not a one-episode passing fad attributed to her school-shooting PTSD. Just look at the textures! The accessories! The opportunities for snark!

I mean...she's wearing GOGGLES, for crying out loud!

This group shot is pretty normal, right? You're all "Oh, there's Brittany in her Cherrios uniform, Artie in a vest, Unique looking ladylike, and — OMG WHAT GOGGLES?"

Don't front. If you saw Tina in real life, you'd secretly want to be her.

BTW, Unique, I'm considering that exact pattern for my new stair runner. No lie. Oh, and Mardi Gras beads do not make for good accessories. See your pal Tina, there to your left, for accessorizing tips.

Most Scary Body-Snatching Moment

Here is Will.

Here is Finn.

Here are Will and Finn hugging it out.

NOW TELL ME — when you glance at the face over Jake's shoulder, does it not look like some sort of Will/Finn morph?

The more I look at it, the more unsettling it becomes. Much like this show in general.

Glee: Hairography

Part 1 of 3: Papa(s) Don't Preach

So, here’s what you missed on Glee: Sue’s in cahoots with another show choir, using hairography to succeed long before Willow Smith opened her tiny, irritating mouth. Quinn considers adoption, all because Puck sexted Santana. Kurt dresses Rachel up as a hooker clown to put Finn off, but Berry serves it back by pointing out she’ll always have the better chance with Finn because she’s a girl. Burn!

This week on The Bachelorette, we have two contenders for the title of Baby Daddy Fabray. In the blue corner, please welcome Finn Hudson!

Finn enjoys watching paint dry and the non-colour khaki!

“Why should I be baby daddy Fabray? Well, I wear lots of plaid, like responsible father and anti-house husband Rufus Humphrey. I even coordinate it with my t-shirt sometimes!”

“I’d be really good at supporting Quinn and the baby, because I’m so thrifty. I wear the same shirt over t-shirt combo all the time and drive my recapper to despair!”

“If you want a straight up, bore-you-to-tears in a polo shirt guy, I’m him. Did I mention my frequent shopper discount at American Eagle?”

Thank you, Finn, for those monotonous ensembles, but now onto more serious (and sexy) matters. In the red corner, please welcome Noah Puckerman!

“Well, first I know that a little black outfit isn’t just for the ladies. I rock a black sweatshirt, undo a few buttons and they flock to the Puck like flies to unattended food.”

“And sure, I wear plaid, but it says something about me. I’m grey clouds, I’m storm-tossed, I’m deep. I can't use an iron.”

“When I wear something like a Henley, I understand that contrast matters. It can’t just be grey, man. It’s gotta have black accents. They’ve gotta pop, like my biceps!”

“I play guitar. That’s hot. And I wear powder blue plaid over a wife-beater and don’t look like a hobo, although I like to think I still have the teen dad je ne sais quoi.”

“Did I mention I’m on the football team? No? Well, this letter jacket mentions it for me. It saves the wardrobe department having to think up another look for me, since every one is so original. What’s the big deal about me sexting with Santana while babysitting with Quinn?”

Now onto the girl who puts the ‘Oh’ in Ohio, Miss Quinn Fabray!

In case you didn’t know, I love Quinn. She’s like the Taylor Swift of McKinley High: a demure dresser, a lover of pink and pastels with the dirtiest dating history in town.

Terri still wants Quinn’s baby as she keeps forgetting to tell Will she’s not really pregnant. This makes Quinn blue — literally. Her twee raincoat with its big white buttons and stitching would be chic with heels but surprisingly goes well with a plain white blouse and jeans.

This blurry picture demonstrates two things I admire about Quinn, one of which is she’s recycling the floral top I fell in love with an episode agp.

Thing number two is the hair porn, specifically the braid porn. Je l’adore!

In her spare time, Quinn is an extra on Nashville. This marine blue is lovely on her, but the ruching on her shirt awkwardly scoots her boobs down a couple of inches. Not a good look.

Another beautiful braid for our yummy mommy, who has taken a leaf out of fake mommy Terri’s book and is wearing salmon. Who wore it better, readers?

What Quinn wears best of all is pastels, chunky lilac cable-knit and crinkly florals paired with a death stare. It seems like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, because she wouldn’t risk the calories, and then she’d knife you in the neck for serving her butter.

More to the point, what a darling cardigan!

Sadly, I’m here to criticise as well as compliment, and there’s that cardigan with the weird, out-of-place green flower back again. The pale yellow and cream are too little girlie; Dianna Agron is fiercely pretty, but you forget that when she’s been dressed like a five year old and it suddenly feels wrong to find her attractive.

Much better! If HRH Queen B of Gossip Girl taught us anything, it’s that fit is better than flesh. This fresh white and blue dress hugs Quinn’s tiny waist and the neat little shrug saves it from being beachy and adds another texture. Simple and sweet.

Glee: Hairography

Part 2 of 3: Hairstory

Sometimes, the New Directions can twirl and dip like One Direction. Other times, they need a little help from Mr Schue, who needs a little help himself with dressing like a grown-up.

Honourable mentions go to Rachel and Quinn for dressing like Amish ladies, Mercedes for not dressing like a traffic cone and Kurt, for a bizarre two-tone sweater with an Oxford collar and knee highs with shorts. King McQueen would not approve.

I don’t approve of how toned down it is this week! So much drab green, so much boring blue, and only a plain bowtie from Kurt! Finn and Artie are in block white like they’re about to be dunked in a baptismal tank, and Mercedes, Tina, Puck and the one who’s name I can never remember appear to be attending a funky funeral.

OMG, I just noticed the bow ankle straps on Rachel’s shoes. Grilled Cheesus, take the wheel, I’m off to find me a pair of those.

While we’re on the subject, Rachel makes rather a big transformation this episode, which is a longer time coming every second I have to look at this pinafore made out of a tablecloth.

Wearing fifty shades of pink and looking like a bathmat, Rachel ponders how to get Finn to see her as a woman, not a giant marshmallow in a headband. Goodbye to Rachel B…

…hello to Easy R, the Olive Penderghast of 2009. Even the Pretty Little Liars don’t dress like this, and they’ve got more love interests than Rachel has anklets.

From Emma Stone to Olivia Neutron Bomb (as my mother calls her) — or, more accurately, to Barbra Streisand stuffed into a sausage skin and struggling to be sexy.

No. N-O, no.

After Finn telling her about a conversation with Kurt where he explained his perfect girl was au naturelle, Rachel goes au naturelle and confronts Kurt. Unfortunately, her au naturelle is a floral romper suitable for toddlers.

This is much better, a lilac button-down which flatters Rachel as she should be, not Berry Boop as she shouldn’t. If only she dressed like this all the time…

Perhaps she should hire Kurt as her personal dresser?

That said, Kurt becomes a cross between Van Pelt from Jumanji and Justin Timberlake by adding a fedora to a checked suit and riding boots, multiplying that by a briefcase and coming up with nastiness.

This outfit should be burned.

There’s always something of the macabre about Kurt’s clothing, even this shirt has swords and teeth printed on it like a bad tarot reading. Also, bolo ties are never going to happen.

Whatever this is? Not going to happen either. Cute bowtie, though. Sassy checks.

Sometimes, Kurt confuses high fashion with just plain high, but his foray into plaid is pushing elegant. The shirt is busy, the jacket is bare and the military tailoring is excellent.

Don’t look so innocent, Kurt, we know you sabotaged Rachel. You’ll have to explain why you’re dressed as a young Spock with that obscenely high collar, though.

That’s a much more sensible collar. I wish we’d seen more of this than the other Hummel horrors. I even spy a hint of pink and navy cravat, and the boy usually gives such good cravat.

This is a before picture. It’s relatively fabulous compared to what happens next.

It’s the Jackson…Ten? New Directions whip their hair back and forth to "Hair/Crazy in Love", but Beyonce wouldn’t be caught dead in that ugly waistcoat without a sequin in sight. Hair should be bouncy, butts should be big and colours should be bright.

That’s better! That’s brighter! New Directions see your True Colours shining through, which is why they love you, which is a great closing number.

This song shows it doesn’t matter what you wear, so long as it’s a t-shirt in a pre-approved colour which does absolutely nothing for anyone’s figure.

Glee: Ballad

Part 3 of 3: My Choral Romance

Artie smoulders this episode, and that's all he does. What's your sweater vest made from?

"Your mom's chest hair!"

After that blinding ensemble, it's the onto the blinding loveliness of Quinn's wardrobe. Pale yellow over cerulean blue and lashes to beat the band – ten out of ten, Miss Fabray!

More cerulean in a hoodie from Puck, who seems unimpressed with ballad partner Mercedes (and who is better at dressing than Finn in every way). Doesn't his mohawk just pop?

I'm not sure Tina even knows how to look impressed. I've said it before and I'll say it again: go all goth or all grunge, and then we'll talk. Your bi-trendiness irritates me.

Carrie Bradshaw would be proud of that tie on a young lady, but hers would have sequins.

Maybe sequins are the next step for Mercedes, a way of segueing from neon into a less bright future? This big bold plaid is actually quite muted for her, and accessory overkill free.

But that's still not enough to impress Puck, who is trying to lull me into a false sense of security with his sportswear. I know you've got something to show me (not that, dirty-minded readers!)

Poles away from dirty and as pure as the virgin snow is Quinn, although a) she isn't a virgin, and b) that dress would look better on a five-year-old. Frilly sleeves are so 1998.

Quinn always has flawless braids and I need her to do YouTube tutorials. She also has a knack for mixing neutrals and brights and varying sleev length, which is hard to find in Glee.

And failing braids, she has perfect curls and the pallor of powder blue and soft white to offset her milk-and-honey prettiness.

This is standard Quinn, though, no surprises in store.

Here's your after-dinner entertainment: Puck. Shirt. Purple.

See it. Believe it. Lust over his forearms.

Mercedes doesn't care about the forearms of the forefather of Baby Fabray, and advises Puck that leaving Quinn alone is the best thing for her. Why you'd pay attention to someone wearing hot pink peacock print and My Little Pony friendship bracelets, I have no idea.

Leaving Quinn alone involves a salmon coloured beanie, a Henley, paint splatters and purple and a song, of course. Money and a roof over her head might be a tad more supportive...

Quinn knows all about matching, in her tiered yellow ruffles and matching headband. Unfortunately, her white cardigans are starting to make her look a little like a baby herself. Being pregnant doesn't condemn you to pastels, you know.

Are those jeans?! Wow. What a rarity, a female TV character in functional clothing.

This happens, and those are Dianna Agron's real tears. They didn't let her watch rehearsal, and this is what happened when Mark Salling sang at her. I SHIP IT.

So this episode: carmine, carmine and carmine, the chemistry of a car crash between our mismatched lovers and clothing that appears to have survived a car crash.

Lean on me, readers. This too shall pass.