Glee: Sectionals

Part 2 of 3: Advanced Placement Passion

Emma certainly looks like a bride, doesn't she? The high, virginal collar, the pretty white embroidery, the seraphic orchids in the background?

...and this is her groom. This is the only picture of him I could get, and he's dressed like a bumblebee.

Who wouldn't choose this face, instead? Admittedly, this face thought a drab grey shirt and a drab grey tie were a good idea, but he's so cute!

I mean, but he's not cute in the slighest! A shirt without a tie is like a broken pencil: pointless. And, deep inside that collarless, charmless brown jacket, I think Will knows that.

Maybe Emma will set him right?

Um...the Emmasaurus Rex looks darling in one of a never-ending supply of tie-necked blouses, beefed up with a bright red coat which somehow doesn't clash with her hair. How?!

Terri turns up for one last hurrah in yet another carmine hue (not salmon, which is strange for her). Her deep cleavage is now only mildly inappropriate, as she's no longer pretending to be pregnant.

Cleavage or no cleavage, Will rushes to Ken and Emma's wedding, not to stop it, but just to be useless and look dapper. A nicely cut suit will do wonders for a man, and this one makes Matthew Morrison not seem scruffy, which is no mean feat. In fact, he's rather handsome.

A refresher course in Emma's beautiful, Audrey Hepburn inspired wedding dress. Sigh.

Then this happens.

Then this happens.

Emma's leaving McKinley forever and Will is somehow alright about it?! Sure, Sue just got suspended and sure, his current shirt/sweater combo makes good use of the beautiful thing that is blue and grey, but that is no excuse for callousness!

Especially when Emma looks so lovely in green and cream, backlit by some enterprising set designer?

Let's get a closer look at that beret, shall we?

Close enough?

Close enough.

Glee: Mattress

Part 2 of 3: Daddy Pop

Respect, Ken Tanaka. I support any man who wears such brightly coloured polo shirts and if that were all I were judging you on, you'd get Emma and a selection of free bowties too!

Bride-to-be Emma is blue, literally. Luckily for me, she's a gorgeous shade of blue with cute buttons on the sleeves and a complimentary floral brooch.

Blue flowers seem to be a theme, and this is where Emma gets into dangerous territory. Embroidered cardigans are great granny wear, but a pale skirt makes this look more light and summery than Sunset Years Retirement Home.

Sue pops in to poop on everyone's parade by denying the New Directions a place in the yearbook. Her tracksuit isn't anything we haven't seen before, but her expression...

And now, we return to our scheduled programming.

Or not.

Anyway, Will is blue too. And grey. And bland. A Project Runway/Glee crossover cannot come too soon to save him from himself.

When Will's not dressing like an older, poorer, less buff Nate Archibald, he goes in for cardigans and coats in grey and brown and confusion at the way his life turned out.

Hopefully Emma can counsel him about the dullness of his personality, dressed as she is as a darling bud of May in white, spring green and dainty daisy accessories.

Her tending loving therapy prompts Will to wear a brighter shade of blue and a dangerous — for him — red and black striped tie, but nothing dramatic.

That is a dramatic tie. Why? BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE. There are pinstripes and tiny triangles and that is a tie a pharoah would wear, snaps for Mr Schue!

And Mrs Schue, with her bogus belly? Will snatches it out from beneath this frilled purple number, and I would like him more if he'd snatched her shirt off too, and replaced it with a nicely ironed button-down and a moral compass.

'I literally have nothing to wear', by Will Schuester.

This is what recapping your repetitive rear feels like, William.

Glee: Mattress

Part 3 of 3: Glee! The Generic Opera

"Rachel photobombs everyone's else's picture anyway."

See what I mean?

Kurt is wearing an art pop/cowboy shirt (who ever thought they'd hear that sentence?) and an expression of disdain at the idea of being in the yearbook.

His hetero heroine Mercedes is kind of rocking it, actually. Her face says war but her cool purple t-shirt says peace — in hair. And let's be honest, everyone else is just cookie cutter versions of themselves. Artie's in an ugly sweater, Puck's in plaid, Finn's wearing a plain white tee and Tina's blacker than my soul.

McKinley High School uniform, male: sweatshirt/gilet over polo/button-down/t-shirt. Can be worn in drab hue of your choice.

Hi, Quinn! I wish we saw more of your plum perfection.

Speaking of perfection, matching a blueberry-coloured headband to your cardi is a beautiful thing, as is Kurt's Sergeant Pepper coat and rockabilly boots. Mercedes' yellow and purple jacket pops the colours in her shirt and the eyeballs right out of my sockets. Kudos.

Artie's bright braces are very on trend at the moment, as are Tina's cobweb leggings. But...is that a hole in her cardigan sleeve? Not fashionable. Never fashionable.

This is not a mattress commercial. This is a very tame orgy and it is creepy as heck.

Will gives the kids a stern talking to, blah blah blah, slept on a free mattress, blah blah blah, amateur choir status revoked. This is the plot of one or all of The Cheetah Girls movies.

Everyone looks suitably underwhelmed, as they should be. Rachel's shirtdress is a pretty berry shade (see what I did there?!) and Quinn's finally wearing a print, thank the Lord! There's lots of greys from the guys and Tina and a 'MERCEDES' necklace from Mercedes. Because we totally forgot what your name was, Marissa.

In the end, they're all in this together. And Rachel is wearing hideous knee socks.

Emma's yearbook photo is much better. Two bows on her blouse is a touch too much, but the sunny yellow is lovely and the floral skirt she wore in "Ballad" is a worthy repeat.

Nothing says power like a polo shirt in school colous.

Or the tracksuit that made you a legend. "Sloppy freakshow babies!"

Glad to see you went for the red tie, William. My advice? If your wife's baby bump turns out to be a cushion, just grin and bear it.

Or twitch your mouth like an underpaid clown. Whatever.

Glee: Mash-Up

Part 2 of 3: Rumour Has It

Where does one purchase a grey shirt, I wonder? And where does one get off on not pairing it with the perfect charcoal and purple tie to please this recapper? Hmmm, Will?

Luckily, Ken's ever so dapper this episode. The tangerine shade of this polo shirt is to die for.

Emma's wardrobe is always to die for, as is that cute 'derp!' facial expression. Her blouse is white, no frills, no fuss, but her teal cardigan is brought up by a subtly different brooch and exposed stitching around the buttons. I give it a solid B plus.

C minus. F. Ungradeable. Ungradeable, Emma. Are you even still in there, or did that giant marshmallow eat you up?

THIS is more like it. So Audrey Hepburn, demure up front and a party in the back with trailing ribbons and a corsage. The full length opera gloves are a wonderful touch, as is the headband and 'I do' updo.

The only problem I have with this gown - I have to call it a gown - is that the empire waist makes Emma look like she might be smuggling a baby under there. Hey, if Quinn can do it.

Then this happens. You could have 'danced' all night, could you?

Ken strikes back against the frisson between his fiancee and friend by forcing the football players to choose between the game and glee. Strangely enough, he makes this big tough move while wearing baby blue above and powder blue below. Only a real man could pull this off.

Ken Tanaka is a real man. He knows his colour wheel.

Pale blue and black here, very businesslike. I wouldn't necessarily match it with maroon shorts, but each football coach to their own.

Oh, Will. Only Ken gets away this shade of blue and even your quaintly patterned tie I've definitely seen before can't absolve you of the sin of being deadly boring.

Grey shirt or no, this outfit brings far more to the table. A taupe waistcoat that could really do with some snazzy buttons or braid, a mulberry coloured tie which could easily be matched with a pocket square...so much wasted potential, William.

Some men know the value of piping and heroic distance gazing, William, remember that.

Emma clearly does, matching her fiance with a lovely aqua cardigan and chunky Wilma Flinstone beads. She doesn't have the heroic distance gazing down yet, so we'll settle for bunny in the headlights as Will walks away from her, possibly recalling his wife and/or fake unborn child.

Hi, Sue. Baby blues and baby blue, is it?

I'm very much ready for a new Sue outfit. The towel doesn't really count as an accessory, meaning this is the exact same tracksuit we've seen a dozen times before.

This, however...

A zoot suit with a marvellous scarf print necktie, a fedora with a band that matches the suit, that razor sharp collar - it's a triumph, Sue Sylvester, a triumph. Please get stood up for swing dancing more often, this ensemble is my favourite thing ever.

Just look at the huge lapels, readers. This is a beautiful thing to behold.

There's something clerical about this black and white tracksuit and Sue's bared teeth. I fear the second coming of the Inquisition, with stakes and flames ready for all the glee club members.

Glee: Vitamin D

Part 3 of 3: On the Down-Low

 Pray silence for Artie's Oklahoma!-esque sweater vest. May it die a horrible death. Soon.

Letter jackets, I do not like. The English have started to pick them up as a trend and I do not approve, and the American ones get the same treatment. Get a proper jacket you can change on a daily basis! Imagine how sweaty Finn's must get. Ewww.

Emma in the naughty corner? Say it ain't so!

But it is, gentle reader, because she has the eyes of a faun but the blouse of a maitre'd at an Italian restaurant. Has she contracted some rare disease? So many ruffles...

Luckily for Emma, Ken would probably still be after her even if she did suffer Blue Nile Ruffle-itis. His shorts are too short. That eclipses any good points of colour or cut.

Garish, marker yellow/green, plus a tiny engagement ring. Horrifying. It's called a rock for a reason, Ken - you should be able to knock someone out from twenty paces if you throw it.

HIS SHORTS ARE TOO SHORT. And what's with the fanny pack, is it a football thing?

Tee hee, fanny pack (sorry, but we call them bum bags, and a fanny means something different, and that makes everything hilarious for me).

Rachel fell from grace into this category with a surfeit of pink. Yes, I liked her pink and white cardigan of earlier. No, I do not like it when she dresses like a candy striper.

This episode shows us Rachel's morning routine, which includes pink and blue and nothing to get sweaty about (on the elliptical, that is). How does she get a boyfriend, remind me? Personality?

That's it, pray the decongestants will save us all from this Flashdance fashion flashback.

Now, I've had a lot of things to say about yellow this Gleecap. Why I don't like it here: Rachel looks like a French Fancy and Mercedes looks like a Brazilian footballer. Kurt's trousers are eating his feet, and Finn is wearing some kind of body-warmer only ever to be worn by aged farmers.

Hey, Puck. How you doin'.

Ahhh, another body-warmer! A fuchsia coloured one! Kill it!

Another pair of plaid trousers, this time eating Tina! Kill them!

Rachel: blue looks lovely on you. Try not to choose such a boring shirt next time.

Tina: black on black is not a fashion statement, and your hat and highlights clash.
Mercedes: dear GOD, cross your legs. And stop wearing sports socks indoors. And mini skirts. And those weird super high sneakers.
Quinn: if you don't want anyone to know you're pregnant, stop hanging onto your belly/hoo-ha like a life raft. Just a piece of advice.

This is just a big old pile of awkward. Kurt is dressed as Jane Fonda back in the day, and his white trousers disgust me. Actually disgust me. Artie, Rachel and Finn fail to thrill with basic stripes and block colours, and Mercedes is a big old mess with a choker. Nuh-uh.

The silvery lining? Tina, despite her fluoro-rosary, is rocking some plum knitwear. Quelle surprise.

I've Stopped Believin' these kids could dress their way out of a paper bag.