Glee: Vitamin D

Part 2 of 3: Holding Steady

 Sue is stirring things up again in a hideous banoffee coloured tracksuit. No me gusta.

It's John Travolta during Summer Lovin'!

Well, the position's the same even if the article's different. This tracksuit pops up again and again, and I actually like it. It's a signature piece. Love the piping.

This segment is about steady, staid, and uniform. For Sue, this means please, please stop wearing brown. You look like a baggie of something.

Strong and steady is Terri's crazy, her inappropriate fake-pregnancy cleavage and her nary a hair out of place 'do. Is it frosted to her head?

Brightly coloured jeans are a bold choice, but one which matches part of the pattern in Terri's top. It's so nice to see colours on bottom halves too, even if the real business is going on in her blouse. I think the turquoise really pulls the whole outfit together.

More turquoise, more not safe for work cleavage. Uniform and awkward.

Even deeper cleavage on a blouse we've seen before! Terri, hang your head in shame - without getting an eyeful of your own baps.

A keyhole! That's a keyhole! Cerise and a keyhole on a supposedly pregnant woman in a school!

This is a pretty colour on Terri, and the sleeves are very nearly puff and therefore charming (I'm ignoring her cleavage with all my might). Will...well. Navy on plaid. No snaps for you.

Without Matthew Morrison's attractive head, I have to say these boring shirt and tie combos look worse, if that's even possible. The craziest it gets is a polka dotted tie with a pinstriped shirt, and even that's hidden beneath a positively feminine powder blue sweater.

Meh.

BORING. I always think this jacket is velvet, and God help us all if it is. Emma is darling as always, but an off-white blouse is nothing new, even with a cutesy daisy pin.

Finn's drooling in a sweater. Actually drooling. Pretty true to form, I guess.

And equally true to form, Puck's in a hoodie and Artie's wearing a doormat from the seventies.

You know how I said Mercedes looked McQueen? Well, Kurt is too much of a McQueen. He looks like he's a member of a Red Army-based boy band. One Insurrection?

Za vashe zdorovye, Kurt!

Glee: Vitamin D

Part 3 of 3: On the Down-Low

 Pray silence for Artie's Oklahoma!-esque sweater vest. May it die a horrible death. Soon.

Letter jackets, I do not like. The English have started to pick them up as a trend and I do not approve, and the American ones get the same treatment. Get a proper jacket you can change on a daily basis! Imagine how sweaty Finn's must get. Ewww.

Emma in the naughty corner? Say it ain't so!

But it is, gentle reader, because she has the eyes of a faun but the blouse of a maitre'd at an Italian restaurant. Has she contracted some rare disease? So many ruffles...

Luckily for Emma, Ken would probably still be after her even if she did suffer Blue Nile Ruffle-itis. His shorts are too short. That eclipses any good points of colour or cut.

Garish, marker yellow/green, plus a tiny engagement ring. Horrifying. It's called a rock for a reason, Ken - you should be able to knock someone out from twenty paces if you throw it.

HIS SHORTS ARE TOO SHORT. And what's with the fanny pack, is it a football thing?

Tee hee, fanny pack (sorry, but we call them bum bags, and a fanny means something different, and that makes everything hilarious for me).

Rachel fell from grace into this category with a surfeit of pink. Yes, I liked her pink and white cardigan of earlier. No, I do not like it when she dresses like a candy striper.

This episode shows us Rachel's morning routine, which includes pink and blue and nothing to get sweaty about (on the elliptical, that is). How does she get a boyfriend, remind me? Personality?

That's it, pray the decongestants will save us all from this Flashdance fashion flashback.

Now, I've had a lot of things to say about yellow this Gleecap. Why I don't like it here: Rachel looks like a French Fancy and Mercedes looks like a Brazilian footballer. Kurt's trousers are eating his feet, and Finn is wearing some kind of body-warmer only ever to be worn by aged farmers.

Hey, Puck. How you doin'.

Ahhh, another body-warmer! A fuchsia coloured one! Kill it!

Another pair of plaid trousers, this time eating Tina! Kill them!

Rachel: blue looks lovely on you. Try not to choose such a boring shirt next time.

Tina: black on black is not a fashion statement, and your hat and highlights clash.
Mercedes: dear GOD, cross your legs. And stop wearing sports socks indoors. And mini skirts. And those weird super high sneakers.
Quinn: if you don't want anyone to know you're pregnant, stop hanging onto your belly/hoo-ha like a life raft. Just a piece of advice.

This is just a big old pile of awkward. Kurt is dressed as Jane Fonda back in the day, and his white trousers disgust me. Actually disgust me. Artie, Rachel and Finn fail to thrill with basic stripes and block colours, and Mercedes is a big old mess with a choker. Nuh-uh.

The silvery lining? Tina, despite her fluoro-rosary, is rocking some plum knitwear. Quelle surprise.

I've Stopped Believin' these kids could dress their way out of a paper bag.

Glee: Makeover

Part 1 of 2: Moody Midwest Makeovers

There comes a time in every high-school focused show when the writers rely on the time honoured tradition of a makeover. Sure, Glee has had a few classic makeover episodes, but this week killed it, y’all. So in honor of that, I'm doing this recap old-school style - the way we used to cover Glee before it started sucking. Don't get too used to it. We're still not out of the After School Special woods just yet.

In Ohio, Blaine and Brittany face off in a presidential battle with Artie and Sam as their running mates. Were there makeovers involved? You bet your ass there were. While the kids play political ‘Pygmalion’, Will wrestles with a choice to make a difference for arts education across the country; otherwise known as this year’s boring subplot. On the east coast, Kurt and Rachel seem to be settling into New York City quite nicely. Kurt’s killing it at Vogue.com with the lovely SJP as his mentor, and Rachel gets the makeover of a lifetime in the Vogue Vault. Oh, and Brody totally macks on her right when Finn shows up. Dramz Alert.

Let me begin by presenting the many faces of Blaine Warbler-Anderson. Or is it Anderson-Warbler? I’m sure we all agree that Blaine regularly looks cutes patoots in everything he wears, but I fully support his bow-tie/polo combination. Especially since the polo is just a hair too tight and tucked. Class. The mustard cardigan is toeing in Rachel Berry territory. I’m thinking he should drop that polo underneath and switch it up with a graphic tee. I mean, what 17-year old kid doesn’t own a graphic tee?

Blaine’s presidential garb is a little more professional than I would have thought. You’ll notice the absence of a bow-tie, as well. It’s nice, clean and conservative. Nothing jumping off the page to make you say, “...gurrrrrrllllllll”.

Speaking of his run for presidency, Blaine’s running mate is everyone’s favourite former stripper, Sam. They’re a pretty adorbs dream team, even if Sam is as thick as the product in Blaine’s hair. I think I’ll rename Sam the Bow-Tie Buster, since he convinced Blaine he looked like Orville Redenbacher. Good eye, Straight Sam. Now if only you were just a little bi-curious.

It’d be fairly difficult to beat a team of Blam, especially when one is hammier than an Easter Dinner...

and the other has the same reservations about taking his top off as Courtney Stodden.

On the other side of the race, Brittany convinces Artie to be her running mate to “bridge the human/robot divide” and to “ensure that both students and vending machines will be voting for [them]”. Yes, even though Brittany has become a main character, her little zingers still make me giggle like a 14-year old at a sleepover. And yes, that is two students face deep in each other. Seriously, watch Glee’s background – that’s where the best sight gags are.

For her makeover, Brittany gets all sexy librarian up in this bitch. Personally, I preferred her patriotic dress to the cobalt blue blouse. Whatever, Brittany looks fantastic in blue and thankfully didn’t spend the whole episode in her Cheerios uniform. Sidebar: IT’S THE FOURTH SEASON, LET THE UNIFORMS GO.

Look at that face. You wouldn’t think it’d be capable of delivering the hilarious exchange:

Artie: “So I could be Cheney to your Bush?”
Brittany: “I’d rather be landing strip.”

Brittany’s feather print top is super cute and just another piece of evidence that she looks brilliant in blue. Plus, look at the little piggy earrings! I won’t say that I squee’d over them, but I also won’t say that I didn’t. 

So how does one convey the frustration and trepidation of a teenager about to go through a makeover? By butchering a classic grunge song from Hole! Unless you’ve spent the better part of the early 90s on the bathroom floor of a Four Seasons with mystery bruises on your legs, an eternal case of dry mouth, and raccoon eyes that might as well be tattooed on, you do not have the rage to sing “Celebrity Skin”. 

Artie’s wardrobe was nice and predictable this episode. Sweater vest on top of sweater vest, then a smart looking tie for the debate. Although I have to take some issue with his brown toned vest because I know that boy did not just bring a scoop neck sweater vest into my house. I most definitely was hallucinating during that nightmare.

Could Artie and Sugar be the next power couple? Probably not since he constantly wears patterns inspired by Russian nesting dolls, and Sugar looks like she rolled around in a closet with Liza Minelli. Pearls and fur for daaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

It seems that in Ohio, if you’re over 21 you aren’t allowed to evolve as a fashionable person. OK, Emma is still the cutest little Holly Hobby with a career; who else has floral patterned rubber gloves?! But even the girliest of girls gets over pink at some point. 

Sue is... well... some things probably shouldn’t change. Although, can we just get her an Adidas sponsorship? This hideous sky blue, two-stripe tarp she’s trucking around ruins her shape. Elastic bands on the bottom of a track jacket are your friend, gurl. They’re everyone’s friend.

I’d hate to wake up with Will Schuester’s dilemma every day: do I wear a plaid shirt with a solid tie, or do I wear a solid shirt with a plaid tie? It’s a Sophie’s Choice à la mode, y’all.

But you know who doesn’t need to change? This queen. You stay sassy and classy, Birdie. 

So what’s happening in NYC with Rachel and Kurt? Well, Blaine would have you believe that he and Kurt spend every night together Skyping episode of 'Treme' while wearing adorbs PJs. But we know that ain’t so.

Glee: The Rhodes Not Taken

Part 2 of 3: Trouble, Y'all

Kurt's on fine form in blue and white pinstripes this week - I love the detachable bowtie, I have one on my favourite blouse. Kurt and I are blouse buddies.

KURT AND I ARE BLAZER BUDDIES TOO. I have a blazer just this colour, although I try to avoid wearing t-shirts underneath, as I think it makes me (and Kurt) look like an ageing rockstar.

Did I mention April Rhodes/Barbie the Stripper is an alcoholic? She gets Kurt into the sauce to get him to like her, when all she had to do was compliment his outfit. Abstract patterned shirt, caramel coloured tie, oh Kurt...oh dear God, those trousers are way too short.

I mentioned Kurt turns into Don Draper, and how. "Betty, my grey suit. My effortlessly good hair and sometimes tragic demeanour. Betty, my ugly necktie that looks like a curtain.

"Betty, my soul."

The closest thing to Betty Draper in Lima is Emma Pillsbury, guidance counsellor extraordinaire. Admire the elegant flick of her hair.

Respect the way she blends two types of purple flowers in the two mediums of clothing and accessories and manages to put pearls back on the fashionable table.

Marvel at how she dresses up even the drabbest cardigan with a pop of colour (Rachel Berry, I'm talking to you).

Worship her sweater clip/cardigan guard, nonchalantly holding her green cardi exactly the right distance away from her collar.

Thrill at her tie-neck blouse, complimented by a gorgeous plum coloured cardigan with military brass facings and matching skirt.

And when you've done all that, just look how darling Emma looks in sky blue. It's her first pastel of the episode, and the puffed Snow White-esque shoulders are to die for.

...salmon again? Okay Emma, I'll let you off this time, but I don't like repetition. At all.

That's why I don't like Tina. Black and blue and boring all over.

And that's why I don't like Mercedes. She keeps wearing the same glittery headscarf and gold jewellery, though the black and aqua pattern on her t-shirt is cute. The other one is just boring.

'Just boring' sums up Artie completely. He lives and dies in argyle -

White shirts -

And sweater vests. In this case, a sweater vest that looks like a doormat.

April doesn't seem to want to corrupt Artie, but she teaches Mercedes and Tina to shoplift: Tina gets beanies, Mercedes gets brighter colours, they both gets snazzy stolen sunglasses. I think these two should hang out more often, they both like heavy, ugly jewellery.

Tina's not a fan of Kurt's fabulous plaid tie and waistcoat combo over a baby blue shirt, and I'm not a fan of New Directions all in blue with neckties.

Later on in the season, the girls are allowed to dress like girls.

I promise.

Glee: Preggers

Part 3 of 3: The More You Ruv Someone

'The more you love someone, the more you want to kill 'em'. Terri's being a brat and Will is reduced to dressing in winter jackets indoors, so I am not amused.

And why is Terri being a brat? Because her baby is a pillow, and that lovely empire line salmon pink shirt is covering nothing more than a beard! If I were Will, I would've known she was faking. She's not wearing those ugly maternity jeans with elastic across the top.

He doesn't suspect a thing, and why would he? They look like the perfect toothpaste ad couple in their white, him with his mild chest hair and her with her frills.

Terri has the inspired idea of buying Quinn's baby, and pops up in her car to offer folic acid and advice. Her sensible blue V-neck and jacket and neat manicure look sane, at least...

But Emma is the queen of female fashion on this show. Admire that leafy collar. Worship it.

Ken appears underwhelmed, but he's wearing the most revolting shade of lime green, so I don't value his opinion one bit.

Covering up as much of Ken's bizarre baby duckling hair as possible is the best idea, and he does pull off strong colours well. Can we keep him in red and black, please?

Subtle green and black are surprisingly good, though. As is that subtle patterning, go Ken!

But here's the red again, Football Coach in Red. You know who does colour well?

Emma Pillsbury, who looks divine in a loose knit red beret, avec pom-pom. The heavy red wool coat is a trench-coat-pea-coat beautiful thing, exactly the same shade as the hat. What I truly adore is the bow tie-neck of her blouse peeping out at the top, so chic.

She is chic personified.

We return to more humdrum programming, to Will in his shirt and cardigan combo. He needs to take it to the next level, maybe add a pattern in the cardi as well as the check in the shirt and stripes in the tie.

I suppose matching a charcoal jacket to a charcoal and black tie is kind of snappy, but what is it with Will and blue? With men in general? Are there any men reading this who can tell me?!

But then, blue is much better than grey/no colour textured vest over a grey/no colour shirt.

Is that the same shirt as earlier, William? I give up.

...and here, he appears to be wearing a scarf and jacket over a bare chest. Is that a failure on behalf of the wardrobe department? Because I see grey wool - admittedly with threads of blue and black wool running through it - and then I see chest hair. No more.

Ewww.

Extremely pale blue button down this time, with a plain tie and a plain waistcoat somewhere between the colour of the walls and the cabinet. I would kill for a pop of red or purple. I would kill for some green, even. Or some gold?

Because Olympically-speaking, these lot wouldn't even merit a bronze.