Glee: All or Nothing

The Amount of Suspense in This Episode Has Nothing To Do With Regionals!

Frustrations come to a boiling point this week with several dramatic subplots. Ryder demands — rather violently — that Catfish reveals herself. Marley confesses, but it turns out to be (SPOILERS) Unique, who just wanted to get close to someone she liked. Rachel wails through a Celine Dion song for her Big Broadway Callback and sheds a few tears (relief? terror? shame? pride?) to boot, but the Panel O' Judges seems unimpressed. We'll see how that turns out. Some folks at MIT determine that despite popular opinion/probability/possibility Brittney is a genius. She returns to McKinnley with serious 'tude, but it turns out she just has feelings because she's been offered early admission and has to leave immediately. Blah blah, regionals drama, and oh, suddenly regionals are being held at McKinley. The New Directions compete with a so-so lineup of songs, but (spoilers?) take the trophy anyway. Cheering and hugging abound, and then there's a wedding in the choir room.

Rachel's Melodramatic Solo of the Week:

Celine Dion's "Love You More." For a Broadway callback. Really? Reeeeally, Glee? In what universe would they a) let you choose what song to sing for a call back, b) let that song NOT be a showtune, let alone one from the actual show you're auditioning for, and c) have a pennywhistle player on hand to accompany you?

But whatevs, I like the demureness of this Jil Sander dress. This dress says calm, collected, semi-professional — a good dress to audition in. However, if we know one thing about Rachel Berry, it's that short sleeves and above-the-knee hemlines automatically reduce her age by ten years. Rachel is auditioning for Fanny Brice in Funny Girl on Broadway. Adding four inch platforms doesn't add on apparent years, Rachel. Neither does standing slightly pigeon-toed like the models you see in Vogue.

Big Reveal of the Week:

The identity of Catfish/Katie/whatevertheheckisgoingonthere is...

Marley! Looking particularly pretty in neutral tones with a possible snakeskin pattern, and her effortless flowing locks (standard Marley issue). This makes me think of an Urban Outfitters catalogue for July/August or thereabouts. But I like it.

Also, just kidding, Catfish is totally not Marley, it's actually...

...Wade/Unique! She discovered that she had feelings for Ryder, and so posed as a petite blonde in order to get his attention over text. This is Unique's "I'm Sorry" face. As plain as her polo is, girl still has FIERCE eyelashes. I would kill for those lashes.

The confession from Unique is heartfelt enough, but Ryder has no sympathy left, having been totally embarassed in front of everyone. Judgement is swift and harsh, just like it will be right now: Ryder constantly looks like a poorly dressed Ken doll. There, I finally said it.

Unexpected Plot Twist of the Week:

Brittany S. Pierce: Mathematical Super Genius.

Cute giraffe circle scarf, Brit!

Sadly, it was all downhill from there. I'm losing IQ points just looking at this Free People dip-dye skirt and oversized sweater situation. What's the look she's going for?

A coral beret (cute!), an acid wash denim vest with odd pins (mateless earrings?) and a faded graphic tee of the Old Navy/Gap sales bin variety leaves me equally cold.

And we end with this pin-up style updo (NICE!), paired with an Anthropologie feather-print cardigan and a ribbed striped shirt.

Brittany, what? Strange patterns, unusual color combinations, bizarre layers... and underneath it all, an Einstein brain. The thing I love about Brit, though, is how despite everything, no matter who goes and who stays or who dates who, Brittany always always dresses like her fashion advisor is a three year old girl. Still, I'll take the animal hats of seasons yore over this confusion.

Unlike Santana, who always dresses like she's the number one biatch on America's Next Top Model. I lurrrve this sheath dress in black, white polka dots and mint. It's bold and graphic and pop-art-y.

Did I mention I lurve it?

"FINALLY!!!" Moment of the Week:

Obviously Will and Emma ("Wemma?" asks the priest. I like "Wilma" more, personally) finally getting married ughhhhhhhthattookforeverrrrr in the choir room after Regionals.

Emma's hair has been flatironed within an inch of its life... but the lacy dress is all right and her sweet little bouquet is too perfect. Let's hope they can make it last (the marriage, I mean).

Nailbiter of the Week:

I am reeeeeally worried about Blurt. I mean Kaine. I mean Kurt and Blaine. Blaine wants to propose, like, yesterday, and Kurt still thinks they aren't even a couple anymore!? duhWHAT? Does Blaine not know how teen marriages turn out? It's like he doesn't even watch this show.

But boy howdy do these fellas know how to dress! Well, Blaine's is a bit mundane compared to his usual steez, but Kurt looks fabulous! The rusty orange against the subtle blues and maroons of his vest and scarf are amaze. UHMAZE. Also I adore how much lift his hair gets these days. Back in season one, he had the flat-to-the-skull emo sidepart.... and now this! So proud.

Blaine still owns cute sweatervests and adorable satchels, though. I love the bold red and navy for him, even if it does remind me of his Warblers uniform. #preppy

Yawn of the Week:

Regionals. Sigh.

These dresses from the Hoosierdaddies are cute and I'm giving windmill snaps for the boys' red shirts and black suspenders, but they definitely look like an underage wedding party. Or an overly coordinated homecoming court?

The New Directions do a bit better with slightly more classic colors and lines, but the fellas looked so casual next to the girls.

More Asos...

 

I personally think the hemlines of the dresses are too long for most of the girls, but the dresses are a win other than that. And can we talk about Kitty stealing the show with her bombshell bouffant and totally nude lipstick? It was impossible to get a clearer image of her, because girlfriend was busy with her twirls, kicks and hip-bumps. Werq.

Sleeper Agent of the Week:

I don't always think about Sugar Motta when she's not onscreen, but when I do, she's usually wearing gold lame and leopard print.

GASP! Dreams do come true! She legitimately came to school dressed like a 1991 Barbie doll (Beverly Hills Barbie? Rodeo Drive Barbie maybe?) and she knows it.

And then she proved the probability of her true secret identity: Britney and Madonna's secret love child. I can't get over the gold studs and the perfect chignon under that hat. And the biker gloves.

Oh, and also? Sugar spends the entire regionals performance of Icona Pop's "I Love It" in character. As in, like, acting. It's incredible. Observe:

Don't ever change, Sugar Motta.

So that's that for Season 4 of Glee. It was a rough road, you guys. Somewhere along the way, the show started limping along, but hopefully with one more character closer to NYC next year (welcome to MIT, Brittany!), we'll see less of the hallowed halls of McKinnley, and more fab fashion.

Glee: Sectionals

Part 2 of 3: Advanced Placement Passion

Emma certainly looks like a bride, doesn't she? The high, virginal collar, the pretty white embroidery, the seraphic orchids in the background?

...and this is her groom. This is the only picture of him I could get, and he's dressed like a bumblebee.

Who wouldn't choose this face, instead? Admittedly, this face thought a drab grey shirt and a drab grey tie were a good idea, but he's so cute!

I mean, but he's not cute in the slighest! A shirt without a tie is like a broken pencil: pointless. And, deep inside that collarless, charmless brown jacket, I think Will knows that.

Maybe Emma will set him right?

Um...the Emmasaurus Rex looks darling in one of a never-ending supply of tie-necked blouses, beefed up with a bright red coat which somehow doesn't clash with her hair. How?!

Terri turns up for one last hurrah in yet another carmine hue (not salmon, which is strange for her). Her deep cleavage is now only mildly inappropriate, as she's no longer pretending to be pregnant.

Cleavage or no cleavage, Will rushes to Ken and Emma's wedding, not to stop it, but just to be useless and look dapper. A nicely cut suit will do wonders for a man, and this one makes Matthew Morrison not seem scruffy, which is no mean feat. In fact, he's rather handsome.

A refresher course in Emma's beautiful, Audrey Hepburn inspired wedding dress. Sigh.

Then this happens.

Then this happens.

Emma's leaving McKinley forever and Will is somehow alright about it?! Sure, Sue just got suspended and sure, his current shirt/sweater combo makes good use of the beautiful thing that is blue and grey, but that is no excuse for callousness!

Especially when Emma looks so lovely in green and cream, backlit by some enterprising set designer?

Let's get a closer look at that beret, shall we?

Close enough?

Close enough.

Glee: Mattress

Part 2 of 3: Daddy Pop

Respect, Ken Tanaka. I support any man who wears such brightly coloured polo shirts and if that were all I were judging you on, you'd get Emma and a selection of free bowties too!

Bride-to-be Emma is blue, literally. Luckily for me, she's a gorgeous shade of blue with cute buttons on the sleeves and a complimentary floral brooch.

Blue flowers seem to be a theme, and this is where Emma gets into dangerous territory. Embroidered cardigans are great granny wear, but a pale skirt makes this look more light and summery than Sunset Years Retirement Home.

Sue pops in to poop on everyone's parade by denying the New Directions a place in the yearbook. Her tracksuit isn't anything we haven't seen before, but her expression...

And now, we return to our scheduled programming.

Or not.

Anyway, Will is blue too. And grey. And bland. A Project Runway/Glee crossover cannot come too soon to save him from himself.

When Will's not dressing like an older, poorer, less buff Nate Archibald, he goes in for cardigans and coats in grey and brown and confusion at the way his life turned out.

Hopefully Emma can counsel him about the dullness of his personality, dressed as she is as a darling bud of May in white, spring green and dainty daisy accessories.

Her tending loving therapy prompts Will to wear a brighter shade of blue and a dangerous — for him — red and black striped tie, but nothing dramatic.

That is a dramatic tie. Why? BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE. There are pinstripes and tiny triangles and that is a tie a pharoah would wear, snaps for Mr Schue!

And Mrs Schue, with her bogus belly? Will snatches it out from beneath this frilled purple number, and I would like him more if he'd snatched her shirt off too, and replaced it with a nicely ironed button-down and a moral compass.

'I literally have nothing to wear', by Will Schuester.

This is what recapping your repetitive rear feels like, William.

Glee: Mattress

Part 3 of 3: Glee! The Generic Opera

"Rachel photobombs everyone's else's picture anyway."

See what I mean?

Kurt is wearing an art pop/cowboy shirt (who ever thought they'd hear that sentence?) and an expression of disdain at the idea of being in the yearbook.

His hetero heroine Mercedes is kind of rocking it, actually. Her face says war but her cool purple t-shirt says peace — in hair. And let's be honest, everyone else is just cookie cutter versions of themselves. Artie's in an ugly sweater, Puck's in plaid, Finn's wearing a plain white tee and Tina's blacker than my soul.

McKinley High School uniform, male: sweatshirt/gilet over polo/button-down/t-shirt. Can be worn in drab hue of your choice.

Hi, Quinn! I wish we saw more of your plum perfection.

Speaking of perfection, matching a blueberry-coloured headband to your cardi is a beautiful thing, as is Kurt's Sergeant Pepper coat and rockabilly boots. Mercedes' yellow and purple jacket pops the colours in her shirt and the eyeballs right out of my sockets. Kudos.

Artie's bright braces are very on trend at the moment, as are Tina's cobweb leggings. But...is that a hole in her cardigan sleeve? Not fashionable. Never fashionable.

This is not a mattress commercial. This is a very tame orgy and it is creepy as heck.

Will gives the kids a stern talking to, blah blah blah, slept on a free mattress, blah blah blah, amateur choir status revoked. This is the plot of one or all of The Cheetah Girls movies.

Everyone looks suitably underwhelmed, as they should be. Rachel's shirtdress is a pretty berry shade (see what I did there?!) and Quinn's finally wearing a print, thank the Lord! There's lots of greys from the guys and Tina and a 'MERCEDES' necklace from Mercedes. Because we totally forgot what your name was, Marissa.

In the end, they're all in this together. And Rachel is wearing hideous knee socks.

Emma's yearbook photo is much better. Two bows on her blouse is a touch too much, but the sunny yellow is lovely and the floral skirt she wore in "Ballad" is a worthy repeat.

Nothing says power like a polo shirt in school colous.

Or the tracksuit that made you a legend. "Sloppy freakshow babies!"

Glad to see you went for the red tie, William. My advice? If your wife's baby bump turns out to be a cushion, just grin and bear it.

Or twitch your mouth like an underpaid clown. Whatever.

Glee: Hairography

Part 3 of 3: Willmagine

Dearest darling Emma only appears in one scene this episode, but she doesn’t disappoint in indigo wool which through some miracle doesn’t clash with her hair. Glory be!

Sue Sylvester’s back with a brand old track(suit) in iconic orange-red, trying once again to destroy the the world everyone’s happiness the glee club.

This is one of my preferred tracksuits, but the sense of déjà vu is strong with this one.

And stronger.

And str – wait, what? Could it be a tracksuit we haven’t seen before? That high collar is practically Elizabethan and the piping is very contouring. It’s the Oscar gown of sportswear.

No matter what she wears, Sue looks like Sammy Sane next to Terri. My first clue she’s faking her pregnancy is that while impending motherhood offers benefits such as fantastic cleavage, most women are prouder of their bump than their boobs.

That said, I love the tribal pattern and mix of close and wide decoration on Terri’s kaftan-esque baby-on-board blouse thing. The blend of light and dark hues is lovely.

Terri is doing variations on a tribal theme/cleavage, and this one makes her eyes beyond blue. Either that, or I’m blinded by Puck’s shirt in the background.

When it comes to trying to persuade Quinn she’s a fit mother for her baby, however, Terri falls hard. Those white articles look awfully like leggings, and tights are not pants, and if you can wear those and not have any cellulite showing, I’m not sure you’re real.

I bet poor Jessalyn Gilsig got a cold from the amount of décolleté she had to show daily.

Will sleeping shirtless would improve the show exponentially. Just saying.

Terri doesn’t agree, sadly, since his shirt off would mean her shirt off, so she buys him a car. I don’t understand it either, but apparent car > sex, and Will is so surprised he’s momentarily turned into Nate Archibald. That sweater has a heart pin sewn into the sleeve, I swear.

Now please take you seats for the WS Spring/Summer Show! Tweedy ties and blue button-downs are in this season, especially when paired when a worried expression.

When dreaming up this year’s style profile, we thought, ‘hey, you know what’s never been done before? A pale shirt and a dark tie, that’s what!’ Waistcoat optional, but enjoyable.

Maroon, burgundy and brown with hints of blue and incredulity are about to explode. Add a winning smile if Eve is guest starring and about to steal the show with her blondeness.

Boring is the new interesting! Expand your biceps, not your wardrobe! Wear that same tie you’ve worn a dozen times before!

For best results, don’t bother to do your top button. You’re only a professional.

Textures of burlap sack will give your Will Schuester style a distinctly rustic feel, whether in a leather jacket you stole from Elena Gilbert or a blazer you stole from Goodwill. Of course pink goes with brown. Of course it does.

For when nothing else will do, there’s always that one moody lavender shirt with a well matched olive and black tie which the recapper actually likes. Tease her with it. Make like you might dress yourself better in the future, even though you won’t.

This is how you applaud deaf people, and also those who have pillowcases instead of sleeves.

Who’d you borrow the shirt from, the Hulk?

No refunds will be given if you failed to take any pleasure from any of the pieces in the WS Spring/Summer Collection. Grab a Vitamin Water and tune in next time, when there’ll be more dramedy, pregnancy-related hijinks and poorly ironed collars. Joy!